Death and Tide

[Mirach]

"I can't say I'm comfortable with the idea, but when it comes to survival, it seems some discomfort doesn't matter," Death muttered. "Same for your form. If you think I could fit into your current one, it's better to be squeezed tight than wasting your energy that might be needed in a fight."

[VisAnastasis]

" If you didn't have poisonous form, I'd maybe agree, but if you are tightly packed and panic and bit me from the inside, it'd be more dangerous than having bigger form. Internal organs are sensitive, besides, my stomach would fill with blood in that case, and maybe I'd have to make a hole in myself to take you out so you wouldn't drown in blood... So, yeah, it wouldn't be ideal. I'd rather give you more space to move and breathe if I end up hurt." He whispered." I wouldn't suggest as big form as form of  two floor house or something... But bigger than this. I fear those forms are less refined and more unsightly..." He bit his lip, as if apologizing for himself." But m-maybe if I try one or two, you can choose the one that's least unapealing to you, if we are doing this... "

[Mirach]

"Well, I'll be literally in a place with no view of your form, so I wouldn't worry about that. Or you can just give me a muzzle. You should give me one anyways. Having more space is not exactly a prevention to biting in panic, and we can't know what happens during the night."

[VisAnastasis]

" We can't know..." Tide shook his head quietly." Would you be able to breathe with a muzzle? You wouldn't be able to eat if you wear one, either. Night is long, so I thought that I could put down some food for you to swallow couple of times. Um, I mean if you're not grossed out. I mean, I used to eat for both me and my friend like that, swallowing bits of food for him without chewing so he can eat there. But it's not a good scale for normalcy - my friend was basically chill with whatever as long as it's safer and we don't have to split. We survived because we were sticking close. Pretty much worst things would always happen when we would part, so I am biased against such things."

[Mirach]

"I can eat before and after," Death said. "I would be more calm with a muzzle too, knowing I can't hurt you accidentally."

[VisAnastasis]

Tide seemed touched by the concern, and he couldn't come up with an argument to disagree now.
" When you put it like that, well... Okay, " he whispered. " I'll agree. What kind of muzzle would you be comfortable with? I've never seen any for snakes, but I imagine we can make a primitive one by trying some cloth or strings. If we had time, maybe I could have knitted one, but we don't have that much... "

[Mirach]

"A ribbon from a soft cloth would be best," Death said. "Maybe Emil even has some, they used to have snakes here."

[VisAnastasis]

" We can go ask him. By the way, if I may ask... have you two maybe argued or something? " he asked then slowly, measuring up the little creature with some worry. " He was rather cheery and pleasant before while I was there with you two... but now he seemed quiet and sombre. I figured you might have had some falling out. If you're uncomfortable, I could go ask him myself if he has the ribbon... "

[Mirach]

"Did he?" Death asked thoughtfully. "We didn't argue. On the contrary... I gave him some of my poison and he made a medicine from it, and gave half to me. I don't know if I did something wrong..."

[VisAnastasis]

" What could you possibly do wrong? You're a teeny-tiny snake... " Tide smiled a little faintly, but he did seem a little confused about the situation. " He doesn't seem to have figured out who you are, he'd probably at very least ask me what I'm doing with someone like you on the trip, so it can't be that. He looked kind of downhearted, though... " he noticed Death's neck and back were a little slimy, and he connected that with info about medicine Spirit gave him. " Is it some kind of medicine for the soul that he thought would work but didn't? With how eager to help he is, I'd imagine he'd be depressed if he offered help but it didn't work out. It could be anything... Are you sure he didn't do anything he'd feel down about? "

[Mirach]

Death thought for a while. "It did work," he said. "Not really heals, but lessens the pain. I thought you could use it for your hand as well. But maybe... he gave me a massage with it, and asked me to tell him what feels better. At one point it just felt better to not be touched at all, so I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have?"

[VisAnastasis]

Tide understood what was happening with that already, and he smiled a little sadly.

" Oh, you sweet silly noodle... Do not even think of such nonsense, please. Don't ever neglect yourself like that. You must be honest with people about your feelings if you don't want them to accidentally... hurt them or you. I suspect that may have been what happened. " he said with compassion. " Think about it. You look pained in general, you probably looked so all the more when he began touching you. If you are only relaxed after you asked him to stop, well... it could easily look like you were too polite to tell him no even if it wasn't something that you wanted in the first place. " he noted, observing Death with a bit of worry. " Do you think he could have gotten that impression? He is a human, but it seems to me that, being so close to his father, he grew up as much in Being as human culture, with our understandings of consent. If I were him and connected those dots, I'd probably be rather depressed, too, thinking I have been too pushy and rough and worsened your injury, causing you pain that could have been avoided - and that you stayed quiet until you just had no choice but to admit it's too much... When the damage's been already done. "

[Mirach]

"But there's no damage," Death said. "It did help a bit, but it was getting exhausting and painful... but of course it's painful when you touch a wound, that's no big deal. It's just that I'm just getting a bit resigned, I guess. At this point I'd just consent to anything if it helps, because too much depends on it..."

[VisAnastasis]

" What kind of consent is that? Of course, he's going to be upset when he realized you just went with the line of least resistance. " Tide seemed at a loss, raising his eyebrows as if it was inconceivable. " Of course it's painful to touch the wound, but that's not the point... Logic is not the point. You said it yourself - it was exhausting and painful. He hoped to give you a good experience but ended up giving you a bad one, and it could have been prevented if you said no right away.  The damage is done... Don't you understand what I mean? He counted on you, to be honest with him. Maybe you have been in the end, when you couldn't take it anymore, but that was long overdue, wasn't it? " he gazed at him intently. " It didn't have to reach a point where it was too exhausting and painful for you to continue... It's reasonable for him to feel bad if he likes you. Consider it from his point, please. He has just caused needless suffering to someone he was happy to meet and spend time with... You can act all collected, but you can't convince me having someone meddle so closely with your neck isn't a type of thing to leave some mark on you... " he was looking at him intently, his eyes kind, but piercing, not buying excuses. " Or shall you try to argue with me about it? You can conceal it with Emil, for he does not understand how it feels to exist as a Being, but I hope you don't think you can trick me into thinking it was just fine, when you, you that suffer everything quietly for aeons - had to ask him to stop in the end. "

[Mirach]

"I wouldn't have, if he didn't prompt me," Death muttered. "It would be better, it seems... It did help a bit, althout he process wasn't pleasant. I don't think it was supposed to be pleasant, or even could be, with my state. It wasn't needless suffering. I thought that was the intention? If I had to only agree with pleasant things, I wouldn't get anywhere."

[VisAnastasis]

" How would it be better for him to think everything is fine if it's wasn't? I don't want to berate you, I just want you to be more honest, with others and with yourself. I am not speaking just for this. Ever since we went on the run, you have been too tolerant. You... Are neglecting your boundaries completely. " Tide whispered." I am not saying we don't all do that sometimes, but if everything you do is for the greater good, you'll eventually snap. You are on survivor mode even when you don't have to be. What would it cost to explain to Emil that you'd just prefer him apply the balm instead of massage you because it's too much for you? That would have been okay, too. You didn't have to let him .. go all the way the first day you met him."  He shook his head firmly." I examined your neck two times and you always were cautious and asserted your boundaries, as you should. You shouldn't just summit yourself to every ordeal just because world would be in danger if you don't get better. It is an almost certain way to traumatize yourself and doom the world instead... You must not put yourself through more than you can handle. Yes, we can't avoid our hunters, but that doesn't mean we can't avoid some heartache. You deserve to be treated with care and dignity, and that's how Emil wished to treat you - but when people don't know you, you need to give them clue and teach them what you find fulfilling. An experience... An experience can be a wholesome and pleasant one sometimes..." A memory, an image of his beloved boyfriend passed across his face, and he couldn't help a little longing smile." ... Even if it's painful. It's not about inevitable pain, it's about other feelings, too. It is about how cared for and protected you feel..." He said passionately." ... And you can't feel safe being handled if your heart is not into it, and you're berely tolerating it. You didn't mess anything up, no need for regret, okay? Emil is worried for you because he likes you. All you've got to do is talk it through in the morning about how it all really made you feel, so you can reassurure each other you are both okay - if that is true. Without real honesty it won't feel like a real resolution..."

[Mirach]

"It's tiring..." Death murmured. "It's tiring to ascertain where those boundaries are, it's tiring to explain and reason about them even before myself... And where would you set boundaries for healers? If someone's leg is hurt too badly and needs to be cut off to not poison and kill the patient, will you not do it if he feel uncomfortable with it? More and more I feel like that... like being poisoned by this if nothing is done."

[VisAnastasis]

" But you are not at the point yet where leg needs to be cut off. Trust me, I'm a healer. " Tide smiled compassionately. " Like every patient, you fear it, but we're not there. We are trying to save it because it's a choice we made together. You want to keep the leg, don't you? We're treating the leg, we're trying different things out... It doesn't mean you have to consent to every treatment, or that you don't get to choose. For example, you did have a choice between applying balm and massage, and you choose... but I am just asking you to next time choose a little more gently and considerably. " Demon whispered, not taking eyes off him. " We are not doing nothing. We are still figuring out what's the best way to treat your illness. We could be aiming instead to erase you from existence, to prevent you from growing corrupted by peeling away the person you became, till nothing but force remains. Force of nature, even if torn up, can't grow corrupted on its own, with no feeling on its own. All that you are and feel are the limb we'd have to cut off, and I'm not having any of that. We want you to keep your leg. " he pointed finger at the snake, waving away resolutely. " We want you to keep existing. We want you to remain *you*. It's harder to try to nurture badly wounded leg to health, yes, but I wouldn't have come to meet you if I didn't want to do just that. I want *you*, and a happy you. You can't be happy you without respected boundaries, because without respected boundaries, you can't get that poison that's tormenting you out of your system... "

[Mirach]

"I don't have boundaries," Death said. "My soul touches and envelops many others, I can't have boundaries when I tend to them. My boundaries were of distrust and cautiousness, but the situation is changed now, and I can't afford such feelings anymore. If they would be in the area of discomfort and pain, then I've been behind those boundaries for along time. I don't know where I would place them now."

[VisAnastasis]

" If at least those boundaries of caution and distrust are all that's left, you should insist on some of them. You don't have to be all trusting just because we're in this together. I don't want you to let me do anything just because you are all panicked. I want to earn it. You can't just... say you can't afford your feelings. You have them whether you want to or not. " Tide sighed. " You don't... have to write an essay about boundaries, okay? You don't have to know clearly right away, just be mindful of them. If you're not mindful of how you feel, you'll break. For example, if you accept my suggestion and spend a night in my belly, it's a big thing. I know it's not a thing you'd accept before we escaped the capital, so I know it's not reflecting your real feelings. It's just something you feel is most logical, not something you are fine with. " he shook his head quietly. " That's why it's not like I'll smile and be happy of your acceptance in the morning. No, I'll apologize that I had to put you through it, " he whispered sadly. " Because you don't deserve that. You don't deserve to be forced to show trust to a stranger like that.  "

[Mirach]

"So what if it doesn't reflect my feelings?" Death asked. "Should I rather risk something much worse than that because I don't feel comfortable about it? Almost nothing I have done in the last centuries reflects my feelings. One of the few things that do was allowing a demon to keep his memories. And now we are being hunted for that..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Yes, we are, but so what? Screw that. I'd not change it even if I could. You did a good thing and I'm proud of you for that. I'm glad you did so, even if it got us into a mess. I'm delighted to protect someone in your situation. You are doing a kindness that reflects your feelings, and you have nothing to apologize for. " Tide grinned a little bit, widely, fiercely, and it seemed he had no second thoughts. " You wanted that demon to keep his memories, and I will do all I can for your will to pass. But that doesn't mean that even if you accept the less comfortable option that you should act fine about it. it's not fine. If you accept something you don't like, you have the right to complain all the time and give words to your frustrations. You have the right to tell me you don't like it and tell me I have a foul stench on the inside the whole night through. " he smiled faintly. " If you choose something against your feelings, you should still give voice to them. More you express how you really feel, better you'll be in tune with yourself, and hey - your state will be more stable if you're more in tune with yourself instead of conflicted and resigned to everything that actually displeases you, so what do you have to lose? "

[Mirach]

"That would give a new meaning to the expression of having a rumbling in your stomach. It might look like you are a rather vulgar ventriloquist," Death smirked.

[VisAnastasis]

" If you're feeling better, who cares? Do you want to curse? Curse! I'll rather be a vulgar vent..that, than have a miserable unsettled stomach. " Tide chuckled a little bit, as feelings seemed to gather up, and he added softly in a memory. " When... Senecio and I were in the city, we planned to leave the palace roof as the last spot for our romantic date... But he had a lot of pent up frustrations by then that was making him restless. So, I adviced him, and we instead ended up cursing down at people that couldn't hear us and making fun of their fashion sense. It was a silly thing. It was fun. " he sighed wistfully. " I am not used to such things because I like to be polite, but I was so happy... I could see how better he felt to be able to give voice to his bad feelings and get that stress out, and how glad he was that I didn't judge, or force him into a romantic situation just because norms dictate it... That's what I enjoy so much with him. That's how a healthy bond is supposed to be... "

[Mirach]

Death smiled faintly. "Okay then... Could we first think of some other possibilities? The problem is the stale miasma gathered over time. I know we don't have much time, but maybe we could find a way to drive it out?"