Re: Senecio adn Tide II
Posted by VisAnastasis on
URL: http://cherrizon-2.93.s1.nabble.com/Senecio-adn-Tide-II-tp19275p23798.html
Conrad neither nodded nor shook his head yet, just watching at the level of Lipka's hands quietly.
" Your tries to placate me are obvious but understandable. From your point of view, it is natural that you would want to find the most efficient and practical way to appease me so we don't turn the conversation into a conflict, as neither of us wants Svarik to be sad if we can prevent it. That is why I said it is useless for me to give you something if it isn't what you'd actually appreciate, otherwise, what we would be exchanging wouldn't be the real thing. It would be empty exchange of gestures and half truths that hold no special meaning to either of us. Do you really wish that? To only exchange empty things between us to keep up appearances? " he asked, looking up and maintaining eye contact this time, his gaze thoughtful and withdrawn, but his thoughts clear. " Do you expect me to close my eyes and pretend the carrot you offer me is not a carrot? Tell me - do you not dislike the mere concept, that we should build whatever we don't have yet on such an unstable foundation of you pretending to offer me a way to reassure you, and me pretending to fall for it? If what you desire to know is whether you should be wary of me, do you really believe you'd be able to gauge it from pretences if I am determined to hide whatever truth you imagine I may keep from you? Just like you said that I could have easily told Svarik I wasn't jealous while I could secretly be, couldn't I just as easily be lying to you when I claim the same thing? And you could easily be lying just the same, couldn't you? It is just too easy, for both of us to endlessly dance in the same loop, of you being considerate to me, and I being considerate to you while we both just end up insecure. In my opinion, it would be rather shallow and pitiful state, if we were to merely pragmatically get along because we want Svarik to not be unhappy, as us not getting along would sadden him. The way you speak of it is diplomatic and distant... as if we were divorced parents trying to negotiate and figure out how to most efficiently use our time with the kids without distressing them, " he smiled sadly, as he quietly asked. " It is an exhausting thought to me, and would it not be so for you, too, to always carefully gauge to figure out what is the most practical way to handle this, and always double question if I am honest, or if I am just going along so I wouldn't lose Svarik by showing grudges toward you? You said you just do not want to be left out, but how would it be possible for you to exit the circle if you never step into it in the first place? Would you like to take part in the classes because you want to, or if it is rather a matter of wanting an activity between three of us, regardless of whether it is learning or something else? We can all pool things we like and figure out something untied to learning at all, not even one bit, if learning is not something you feel inclined to do. Unless you give me your honesty, I will never be able to give anything but empty pleasantries right back at you. Just because it is not love, why should we not strive to build something stable and more sincere? "
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At Svarik's words, Simbel's pupils shook, and he held his breath, as if someone unexpectedly poured water over him, as he froze up, not knowing how to respond. Rich turmoil of emotions flashed through his eyes, from disbelief, and uncertainty to pitiful shrivers of hope.
" You.... mean to say... if... if I were to ask you for it... Would it change your mind? " he finally spoke up hoarsely, his eyes shaking visibly. " I... I know great harm was done, trials have passed, and decisions were made, and it would be shameless of me, to ask. Yet... " his voice was a little cracked with hope and anxiety, as he slowly, carefully continued. Erdel must have felt Simbel was thinking such thoughts, so he asked preemptively, for him who after a thousand years of being starved with nothing still struggled to accept the idea that his personal desires matter, and that he can ask to receive. " If I were to ask... would it make a difference, in a decision you already made at their trials? And... Would... living next to him not bring you pain and unease? "
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With the words, Hans's lips immediately curled up in a little smile, as it seemed that the invitation brightened up his quiet little withdrawn mood - indeed, it appeared Spirit was especially pleased whenever Senecio would take the initiative to invite him or do something for him on his own.
" No, no, it's alright, I am mostly delegating things, this is just one of Spirit King type of tasks that piled up in the meantime, following up on some reports. It's just pondering material, though, of gathering data, I can't make any decisions yet until I consult with Falcon and Svarik, anyway, so there's no rush around it, " he reassured him, springing to his feet and making sweeping movements across the glowing orb, the light slowly growing dimmed as he was turning it off. " Tide likes to group things arbitrarily with no set rules, like crow putting together random shiny things, you'll definitely need one more pair of eyes to help out, " he proclaimed as if it was a matter of practicality, despite his lips twitching upwards on their own, his feelings clearly reflecting anticipation of something he was looking forward to.