Senecio adn Tide II

[VisAnastasis]

" It is just that I am very... tightly packed unit. I am Me, but I also bear a lot of marks from being Us. " Tide replied a little unsurely when discussing his origin, as they didn't discuss it too much. " I am not speaking changes to liking, or tastes. For example, when I gained a piece of Cernunnos's soul, I feel a touch fonder of sunlight and feel newfound pleasure of watching flowers. Those are little changes, like finding new thing to love, like changing one tiny voice from thousands. But growing different as a whole? It is like changing thousands of voices. I just am what I am... I have always been Us. Lot people would call me stubborn like I just don't want to change. But truth is, changing is really foreign to me since I am such stable Being as I am. It took me forever to even figure out gender, something I knew I deeply wanted to have. Changing my fundamental desires is a whole different beast... "

[Mirach]

"Like reaching a consensus in a council made of many various people?" Senecio asked, trying to imagine it in terms he understood better. "I guess that could take a few hundreds of years..."

[VisAnastasis]

" It isn't that conscious and tidy... I wouldn't really use the word council. More like, a giant colony of cats, that are friendly and love each other dearly and groom and sleep on top of each other., and occasionally hiss or meow when frightened or lonely. I don't really hold "conversations" with a lot of versions of me in my head... I assume it is mostly what humans feel is talking to themselves, it's mostly instinctive, " Tide explained, sounding little unsure as he spoke of it. " Do not worry, I am still me, as you know me, and I do care for you with all of me. It is just that I am made of lot of tiny cats that combined seem like, um, a giant cat from the distance... giant, very huggable cat... "

Hans finally snorted at the half baked comparison, not able to keep a straight face with that, although not placated, tying in quietly in conversation.

" It's not like Senecio will dislike you if you don't use flowery language, " he sighed, addressing the actor. " But your understanding is quite close, it is like a council, but only if the council had thousands of members, if those members all had a deep understanding, respect and love for each other, and if they can't speak but only hear each others thoughts and feelings. It's hard to describe if you haven't tasted the feeling by being his Semai, but Tide's love for himself basically built an insanely strong foundation for his personality. Tide was in different form, but basically almost the same dork ever since we first met, " he finally looked at him, as he added with some sadness. " He is a deeply concerned doting kid, and only a miracle would change that. He is a stubborn, helpless idiot, that will step on boundaries you set million times, because his god damn concern is just too loud in his mind to remain unvoiced. He can't help it and no plea or time is enough to change that... not even 300 years... "

[Mirach]

"That can happen, when boundaries don't align fully. His concern is over your boundary, but refusing it is over his," Senecio said matter-of-factly. "Neither of you is in the wrong. Or both are."

[VisAnastasis]

" I am not in the wrong, " Hans crossed his hands somewhat defensively, sounding heavy and troubled. " Your overbearing concern is annoying as it is, but if at least it's kept in a private setting, it's at least somewhat bearable. When expressed in public, it's just all the more pitiful. We have a very clear rule of not drawing attention to me when I am unwell in public, " he frowned. " But you never let me keep even as much dignity, do you, that tiny bit I really, really need? Blurting it out like that, especially before Death... You... really hurt me back then, doing something like that again, despite promising not to.. "

" And you promised me you won't try to Sing, yet you Sang! You never let me do anything for your health, and now I can not even ask how you are? It's unreasonable, " Tide bit his lip, turning to Senecio nervously, almost like a child pleading help from the teacher on something unsolvable to it. " Senecio... Seine... H-how can you tell me I am at fault here? You, y-ou must say it because you can not see what Hans did to himself... "

" Stop it! Now you're just trying to frighten him on purpose, that's so uncalled for. and unfair... "

" I am just saying it as it is. Seine, Hans is not in the proper health and mindset to Sing! " Tide replied fervently, waving his hands desperately. " Trying to sing, it's like lighting his body on fire and burning through his soul as music passes through it. It's... a maddening experience. It puts all his cells through terrible stress that it can not handle anymore, and the dread and fear only brings him closer to the edge of corruption. He is not fit to Sing no matter how much he tries, and Singing anything too strong or too long could corrupt him, or kill him.. "
" I just sang for, like, a minute or so, geese, and it was a very tiny, tiny song... "
" ... And he is still dealing with the aftermath of that. H-how am I the one unreasonable one here? "

[Mirach]

Senecio gulped and folded his hands in his lap, as they were shaking too much to hold the cards. "T-Tide..." he whispered. "He knows that. He did it to save my life. And maybe he did. Maybe he gave me just enough time until the others could arrive. You can't know that. But he knows what he did to himself and why. You don't need to remind him."

[VisAnastasis]

While Hans glanced at him with a hopeful look, pleasantly surprised hy actor standing up for him, Tide, who was absoltely certain Senecio would take his side, was stunned with the remark for a moment. He struggled, but could not find the words right away.

" S...Senecio... I understand this was a special case. It isn't... my intent to blame him. I just... wanted to help. It is not fair, " demon's eyes welled up. " Death, who has known me so shortly, at least lets me do something for him... but you are my best friend, for eons, and you don't only let me do anything, you insult me for my concern for you. If n-not for you, whom I owe my life and happiness countless times, w-who I should be conncerned over?"

" Do not cry, Tide. Do not dare to cry right now, " Hans replied hoarsely, his voice weavering. " You always do this. We argue, you cry, and nothing changes. I am so tired of it. Tide, I do not have much left, other than my dignity and some leftover confidence, but you keep undermining it. You could have played cards with us instead of guilting me, that would have made me felt better. You can yet take us to the ball and help take our mind off things, but you don't want to do what I plead you, do you? You just want to keep me from forgetting and nag me about it any time I stumble, or sway, until yu finally guilt me to go back and rest, don't you? All I ask is for some breathing air, but you don't want to give it to me..."

Tide, who was on verge of tears, kept trying to hold them in, trying to follow Han's request, but failing at it.
How can I be nonchalant about it, " he whispered haltingly. " When I have helped dozen of Spirits, hundreds of Demons, thousands of humans... yet I can not even worry for you without annoying you? You're always lashing out on me for it... you can h-hate me all you want, b-but I will always love y-you... "

[Mirach]

"He does not hate you, Tide," Senecio whispered shakily, realizing too well that the spirit Sang for him despite it was hurting him. "And you can totally worry for him. I worry too. But he's not a child, he knows his limits. He would not go as far from spite as to harm himself, right, Hans? He knows that would hurt you too. So when he says he wants to go to the ball, I trust him that he won't cross the line when he doesn't only hurt himself but you too. If you trust him in that, he'll be able to trust you too and not hide from you if he's not feeling well. I understand him because public image means a lot to me, too. You can totally worry, nobody asks you not to. But... maybe... you could worry a bit more discreetly?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Dis...creately? " Tide's voice shook. " But I am discreet. It's not like I jumped on him right away. But I first had to wait until... Until you were alright again, and then, until I got the chance to speak up and... and it was burning me on the inside that I had to wait even as long to ask... "

" Tide, that's not discreet at all! " Hans gritted his teeth. " You, I know you don't care what people think of you, but I do! I tred so hard to be nonchalant this morning, when I had my tail cut off, and my whole spine was on fire, do you think I would have been able to keep my mood up if Senecio didn't decide not to make it a big deal? I needed him not to make big deal out of it, and he didn't. He didn't let me down. " Hans whispered with trembling voice. " B-but you are trying really damn hard to let me down right now... "

Demon's lip trembled, and Senecio could indeed see, what Hans meant about his having a hard time to change - it was as if Hans was talking to a wall...defeated, pitiful wall, but wall, still.
" My worry... is expression of my love. It isn't about your weakness. It... is because I love you, that I desire to look after you... It's not... that I don't care what people think. Everyone cares what others think to an extent. It is just that... Like I like to bring you lunches at work, or carry Senecio in my arms... expressing my love openly, is who I am. I want to share my love with the world, not pretend like I don't even love you enough to adress your hurt... I care what people think of me, but if I don't express my love openly, it is I who will think terribly of myself... "

Hans pressed his temples, in weight of someone who had to deal with this too many times.

" If you trusted me to know what's best for me, we would not be having this problem, " he said finally, wearily, hiding his face. " You are just guilting Senecio at this point too, but it's not true my state is his fault... Rather, my happiness... is his fault. I took a calculated risk. Death is our ally right now, so if I died, you'd guilt him to bring me back, and if I grew a little a touck closer to corruption, well, what of it? As long as I am alive, I'll have chance to improve. But Senecio wouldn't, if he died. I know what's best for me. It is having someone like him, who cares about my preferances, not just what's best for me. Its damn luck I was here today. Not, perhaps, because I contributed much to the rescue... but I made sure Senecio is brought to the hallway, so none from the audience can see him. Maybe Singing helped or not, but that's not important. It's important how Senecio is feeling,and you'd not have thought he'd feel terrible if others saw him like that. " he gritted his teeth. " And after all the effort I put in making sure he has as litttle as possible to feel bad about, I won't forgive you for guilting someone like him, whom I owe sincere happiness, for my misfirtune. If I did not love him, I would not Sing for him. "

[Mirach]

Senecio lowered his look and wrung his hands under the table, hating to see two people he loved quarreling. He felt a bit pathetic as it reminded him on being a kid whose parents quarrel about him. He knew objectively that he is not the reason of their quarrel, but he was also aware that he triggered it, even if it wasn't his fault. 

"Thank you, Hans..." he whispered. "You are right that I'd hate the audience to see me like that, after I put so much effort into getting to the end of the play. But you are being a bit harsh to Tide, too. You were trying to hide that you are hurt in front of whom, exactly? Two human listeners who can hear that it's not true and two Beings who can tell the same by just looking at you? It's a bit like I'd walk on the street bleeding and claiming that I'm fine. I can imagine if I'd just sit down and let someone call a healer, everyone would be relieved then, and not really perceive it as a weakness but rather as being reasonable. Not letting Tide show his concern in those circumstances puts him into a bad light, too. He wouldn't embarass you by bringing attention to your weakness in front of someone who wouldn't notice it otherwise, if you're not in immediate danger, right, Tide?"

[VisAnastasis]

Tide wantd really badly to say yes, his hands trembling.
" I... I admit I didn't think that far, conciously. I choose to speak up because I could not keep quiet with him pretending to be fine any longer. It only worried me more, when we have been through this quite few times already, and I know how badly he feels when he tries to Sing... "

Hans, who grew quieter with Senecio's words, took a deep breath with Tide's comment, too. Maybe because of his questions, it seemed he struggled, but tried to answer more personally instead of generally.
" Senecio... I understand why you both are... worried. Especially when Tide makes it seem such a big deal, " he whispered. " But it isn't... quite like drawing attention to injury and it feeling natural that it's not big deal to call a healer. My state isn't someting that can be put a pretty bandage on, " he struggled to say, avoiding his look. " Comparison... I guess you can compare it to human epilepsy better, perhaps? It is something without treatment to cure it, triggered by some strong visuals or sounds, only in me, triggered by Singing. There is no magical pill doctor can give me. And... t-this state brings a lot of painful memories to me, " he whispered haltingly. " There is no cure, but to wait till it settles. There is nothing that can be done, but to play cards, and you were playing cards with me, Senecio, so that's plenty for me. What's not plenty for me is drawing attention to me... and while I said before everyone, I clearly singled Death out. "

" But... Death can already see you clearly. While Eros can feel your pain, Death, surely, can see just how bad your state is, " Tide whispered, and like Senecio predicted, he seemed confused indeed. " How could I pretend before personification of healing that you're just... fine? "

" He knows not to butt in where he has no businiess with something. It's not like I wanted to pretend like I am super great, I just wanted to be nonchalant and don't make it a big deal, " Hans sighed powerlesly. " I know you grew fond of him and don't get it anymore... but he isn't like Eros, and not even Svarik. He is a stranger to me. How I feel isn't his businiess, and I don't want him to ever dare to get ideas... of trying to think of making me his businiess because he feels bad for me. Besides, he barely broke a sweat, and helpled Senecio so much today, and little I tried to do, backfired at me so much that it's laughable for a Singer. Drawing attention to my state, in front of someone I dislike, who had done so much more than me for the person I love, is just adding sault to the wound... "

Tide was dumbfounded by those words, that were more concrete and honest that mere " don't worry you are annoying me". Cofusion even stopped him from crying.
" I... don't get it, " he whispered. " Hans, he is " personification of healing". He already knows you're in bad shape. But he is... reasonable. He wouldn't think you laughable for trying to save someone you love by all means necessary. I don't know what he thinks of you, but I am sure it isn't low opinion... "

" Tide, if he walked in even few seconds later, he would have walken in on Singer who went as far to hurt himself badly, not even for something grand and heroic as to save someone, but to help someone breathe a little bit. And even worse, he would have walkd in on a Singer that failed even that, a Singer that made a sacrifice that took a toll on him, and still wasn't able to do anything, " he said sharply. " Without him today, Senecio would be gone. It's enough blow to me that I tried with... with all strength I could master, with every atom in me.. and that I could just make him breathe a bit better for a little bit. Drawing attention to my state is nothing but reminding him how different I was before, when he knew me, when my songs could move mountains...now they can not even move a morsel, " he gritted his teeth bitterly, and actor could feel great pain in his voice. " It's the... it's among top five worst feelings, having someone who has known how powerful I was before, seeing me recuded to this pitiful state. Not... not even pouring sault to the wound. It's like setting me on fire, to draw more attention to my state in front of him... "

[Mirach]

Senecio still didn't look directly at either of them. "Could we... perhaps not talk about dying and choking right now, please?" he whispered. 

[VisAnastasis]

Tide bit his lip, and Hans looked away as if he wished he was anywhere but here. Still, at last, he turned to them at last, even though it felt more like he was trying to be the collected one than that he was.

" You both wanted context for my bitterness... I am sorry my context is not pretty. But I get being reminded on unpleasant things. This whole conversation is a foreboding reminder to me, that reminds me of nothing but being beaten, gutted, and on and on. Really not a conversation I want to keep going. Senecio, you should not let anyone make sure feel bad today, least me. Could we... perhaps just go to the ball, and drop this subject already, please? " he looked at both of them with distance, seeming suddenly rather withdrawn. " What is such a big deal? Yeah, long story short, I felt powerless and I am angry when people I plead take my dignity into account make me feel powerless. Just let me be angry and disappointed in Tide for a while, Senecio, and Tide, if you want to placate me, just don't ruin this little bit of the day for me, okay? " he clenched his hands in fists. " I am basically keeping myself together on last morsels of determination to make sure Senecio has some good time today and even that puny little wish is seriously compromised right now. If anyone of you dares say one more depressing word, I'm seriously going to bite someone... "

[Mirach]

"Yes, please," Senecio said. "We can talk about this later, when we are all feeling better. Let's just go to the ball, we are missing the best dances. Can I do your makeup, Tide?"

[VisAnastasis]

Tide, despite he looked miserable about Hans giving him the cold treatment, at least understood a little bit better why he is so upset at him, and realized he did mess up, so it seemed he tried with all he could to ignore the heavy rejection, and do this for them.
" I, I just need to put on my dress again. " he straightened, clearing his throat. " Just give me a moment, please, to get back in it. I took it off before because I didn't think we would still go, after all... " he stuttered an explanation, as he turned toward the part of the room that held his dresses.

[Mirach]

"Of course," Senecio nodded. "I'll prepare the brushes while you do."

[VisAnastasis]

Tide nodded, and he went to get ready. Eros, who was quiet before, didn't speak now, either, he just went to him and helped him get dressed in his lavish dress.

[Mirach]

(OOC: I thought Eros left since they were speaking about Death openly)

Senecio meanwhile readied the makeup, letting Tide help him with preparing the colors and brushes.

[VisAnastasis]

( OOC: Eros wouldn't be interfering and taking sides even if he were to stay, and since the characters began arguing right away, I assumed no one had told him to leave, since it doesn't affect the plot much since Eros figured as much that Death is hurt, and that Tide likes him and they didn't reveal much more than that in conversation - but we can always say Eros sneaked out through the layers when their arguing began, so he wouldn't burden them )

Tide had a hard time pushing the quarrel aside, but since both Hans and Senecio opposed and pleaded him, he tried to be strong for them. He was reluctant at first, not wanting to prolong the process and delay them any longer, but since no one would see him under the mask, anyway, he timidly suggested the mixture with bright purple glitter, as shiny materials seemed to be one of few things that could comfort him a bit right now.

[Mirach]

Senecio indulged him happily, creating a piece of art similar to the one Hans and himself were wearing, despite the fact that it will not be seen fully under the mask.

[VisAnastasis]

Despite it would not be visible to others, having Senecio indulge him with such care, and not having Hans protest that their three makeup's match, seemed to relieve Tide a little bit. He even seemed a little distracted and taken aback when looking in the mirror, as, with the dress, shawl, and little flowers along his neck, it seemed he was rather pleasantly surprised with how much he liked it.

He seemed to impulsively lean a little toward actor's face, but then he flinched a little suddenly.
" Seine, I... I was wondering... could we perhaps put a pause on the kisses for a little while? " he asked then suddenly, speaking out for the first time since they began doing makeup. " Could I caress your hair a bit instead? It feels strange not to thank you with a gesture, but the thought of kissing... It's too soon... "

[Mirach]

"Oh... All right. Sure..." Senecio murmured.

[VisAnastasis]

" Are you... disappointed with me? " the demon asked, in a tone of voice that surprisingly sounded rather fearful and tense. " I, I know I have strict enough boundaries on intimacy as it is and that you always desire more, but... I swear I am not making them stricter on purpose. I do enjoy being intimate with you, I did not intend to feel like this... "

[Mirach]

"No. It's just... I can't really imagine how hard it must have been to you," Senecio whispered. "How scary... I'm sorry, Pearl."

[VisAnastasis]

Tide's hands trembled, as he reached for actor's hair, and leaned his hand on it from the side.
" I... am glad I did not disappoint you, too. But... yes, " he whispered hoarsely, steadying his hand by not moving it much. " It was... a horrifying feeling to... to handle you like that. To, to think that, if it didn't work, that would be my last memory of you, " he fought bravely not to tear up, determined not to ruin makeup. " I promise I will give you better, nicer memories, and that it won't be our last kiss. As soon as I can, I promise I will... "