Senecio adn Tide II

[Mirach]

"So you also have an extra sense... kind of. Can we do that like some mandatory health check up for everyone working in the theatre?" Senecio asked. "Could you heal everyone just like that? If that is something you want, I'd like you to do it, and then draw me a schematic. Names and lines. You said you are able to trace the transmission. I don't know everything about everyone, but I do know the people. I'll know what to do with such schematic. Well, regarding employment, at least. Say, if I came to you later with a list of people that we call to sign some papers, would there be a way to make those people impotent and unable to even get aroused? I think Hans would like this little project too. That's something we can find a solution to. But regarding you, aren't Personifications also Beings, to a certain degree? It seems I wasn't entirely right in my impression. You definitely seem to be out of tune with yourself. But it may not be because of your human experience trying to cling to a Being nature, as would be logical to assume. It seems that Riversong was already like that, out of tune with himself." Senecio paused, looking at Ben and trying to get into the character of Riversong, like he would do for a play. "This may be just my interpretation," he said finally, "but I suspect Riversong might have used you as a form of suicide. If he was a personification of wanting to be and do something, and couldn't do the one thing he wanted, that might have been too hard to him, and he was an expert on souls. Maybe he was planning from the beginning to use his soul to make someone new, and not come back anymore. Which it a really shitty thing to do to you, that he dumped his powers and problems on you, on top of those you had as a human. I don't know what you need, I am no expert on that. But there are many Beings here who might know, like they could advice Erdel about being a demon. You know how excited everyone is about him and Xia? It seems that young Beings are incredibly rare. And I think you are a young Being, too. It's not evident at first, because you have Riversong's memories, but I think that bastard actually succeeded in his convulted suicide plan, and that you are actually young, just turned recently by that seed of power that he put into you. I think you are similar to Erdel in that way, even though you know your powers because you're a Personification. What if you're also in that impressionable period when emotion can have a big impact on your future and what kind of Being you will be? Would you accept Hans's opinion to see whether my assumption might be right? Would you maybe accept some guidance from him, or from some other older Being you prefer? I think if you do that, Hans might also accept your offer to help him."

[VisAnastasis]

Senecio could feel Ben's feelings were trembling and changing; previously apprehensive, distant impression turning into something genuinely softer and much more present. It seemed like he was fighting tears stubbornly, his lip woobly, but not sad ones this time. It reminded Senecio of Being's tale of how important to him it was that he was seen for himself and that his efforts were recognised for his own. Someone did not treat him like an ancient Being play pretending. Someone told him he was young, and that he was in impresionable period where he can grow and should be cared for. Someone validated his struggles and was looking at him, not who he should be. The moment Senecio called Riversong a bastard, Ben chuckled, choppily, hoarsely, but with a genuine timid streak of brightness - and the actor could see that instead of just someone he wanted to help but tried not to get attached to, Ben allowed himself to see the actor as someone he could feel safe to like and put more trust in.
" Fuck it... That... feels a little better. Like in the game of hot and cold, you know? Being offered some fucking guidance in this mess... not guidance on how to better be a Being I was supposed to be, but... guidance on how to better grow up, from someone who had seen Being children grow up... okay. That feels closer to right. But would you deem me too stubborn if I added a big fat footnote to it? " he said with a little apologetic grin, and he spoke slowly, like he was genuinely trying to figure out his real feelings and find a middle ground, not just refuse like before. " It just... feels really shitty, making something so fundamental to guality of life into a deal, precisely because I am the only one in the world that can do it. I know I used rich man buying lunch... but yeah, it does not fit when it is more like, you having an illness, and one single person in the world having a cure, right? It is too big an abuse of power for just one guy, " he confided quietly, and maybe because of the law terms, Ben quite reminded Senecio in that moment of Hans and how keenly important ensuring equality was to Hans. " It is just... Too shitty for things tied to health to be bargained for. If I have to make a deal, I would rather make a vague, non-committal kind. Like, I do everything I can for him, and... he judges how much he feels is okay to do back for me. I... don't want anything he potentially gives me to be given under the guise of returning the favour of giving him basic health care. I also... had days when I could not stand or sit for long without pain. Happy flare-ups are particularly sad to me. It's hard to watch someone who works so hard to protect others not be able to be happy without punishment, " he continued slowly, admitting very carefully, as if with every work testing and feeling up if it is safe to trust him. "... So... If it has to be a game because Beings play games... I would rather it be do-something-vaguelly-nice-enough-for-me kind of deal, than do this-specific-thing-in-exchange-for-not-collapsing-every-day kind of deal. It is... not like an adult experienced Being like him won't have easier time coming up with something to do for me than a youngester like me, " he grinned, with a more amiable, silly and toothy grin, for the first time since they started talking, looking more his age. " My position is fucked up as it is, anyway, so it probably won't be hard for him to dig something out. I can already feel the headache of manoeuvring into a somewhat safe position when I am sandwiched between Spiriit Kingdom and this Kingdom. Spirit Kingdom is bound to protest and twist things to suit their narrative... I am still having a headache trying to figure out how best to put myself. It... would be very nice if I could put things in a way that feels more right - that I am not Riversong, but merely a result of his suicide. But it will be in the interest of Spiriit world to deny my feelings, and claim I am confused and that Tide and others brainwashed me into believing I am something I am not, so they could use my powers. I am already shuddering thinking about the effort I will have to put to not be kidnapped around to be taken advantage of. So... it's not like I am talking from a high place of someone with no problems to solve. I very much don't want to be treated like a child who can't decide what it wants and has to be taken away to a safe place and protected from bad influence. It would be safer if I posed as adult Riversong, who changed his mind about his affiliation and wants to break away from Spiriit world because Death is here. That would be physically safer, because words of an adult is harder to ignore, but it would suck in a different way - it would be truly horrible to have to act like Riversong. I am wondering if acting like myself here and acting like Riversong in Spirit world would be possible without any side thinking I am lying to the other side. I'd rather someone help me stay sane when the best political situation is using the stranger's dead guy's name. It sucks that guise of Riversong who is travelling around and doing new things is safer than guise of young impressionable Personification that is very enticing to try to brainwash and mold into your faction, " he was watching at the waves around his feel thoughtfully, as he continued. " It is... nice when someone does not think about me as Riversong who is trying new things, at least. Just... Ben wanting to do his thing. I want to help Hans, and I want to help you in the theathre, but again, just like for Riversong, being the only person in the world that can do a certain thing sucks. If I just go to theathre and heal everyone, rumours will pass through that there's a magical healer around, and I will be suffocated from humans too, where they will run over me with both illnesses I can and can not cure. Everything takes energy, and I just can't handle the volume, so for things common healers can fix, and even more, unusual things common ones can't, but Simbel can fix, there needs to be a system where human healthcare is more accessible, as well as trips to Simbel for more unique cases. I have to stay free only for cases where volume is manageable, like this, so I don't die by being stretched too thin. So, I can't do what Riversong did and be completely transparent about my abilities, or I will fall into the same life as he did, of only being demanded to do things until he would work himself to the bone, and had to retreat to live by himself. I would go mad if I had to hide in some hole in either mountains or sea. So, I was thinking more of a deception route. We did not work through the details yet, but I thought it would be safer if I posed like Bull's believer, who prays to the Bull, and then the Bull occasionally heals people I pray for himself if he chooses to, so he can show his miracles and whatever. That way I can hide behind Bull's name and build myself a position where I can shake Bull faction a bit and claim Bull gives me revelations on what he wants sometimes, and it would be more credible if it is oh, so clearly demonstrated, that Bull's powers work through me and Bull listens to my prayers, " in Ben's grin, he had seen the same mischievous grin as before while they were talking about tricking Nobleman and army factions, only now less guarded and cynical. " Wouldn't it be actually... kind of fun, you see, if Melody was setting foundation to be the Saintess for the Siimbel, for me to grow foundation to become the Saint for the Bull? Would it not be so fucking funny to see those old geezers sweat when they witness people I *prayed for* get better? That way, if someone is a human garbage like Guliermo, I don't have to be politically forced to heal them, I can just pretend to pray for them, but not have to do anything, or instead give them an incurable illness, as a treat. " his grin grew wilder. " I can not heal people just by looking at them. I would have to lay hands on them, and it might take shorter or longer depending on the severity of illness. But if we claim it's like a praying session, and that you are trying to score points with me by letting me pray for your worker's health, do you think maybe something like that could work out? I know it might seem contradictory, if I am so repulsed by pretending to be Riversong, but okay with this. But pretending to be Riversong is pretending to be another person. Pretending to be Bull's saint is not pretending to be person, just... creating a new profession. Hell, you know, benefits might not be bad - I can choose my own working hours, interfere in politics, but still not have to be tied to one place and move when I am needed, using revelations as excuses to be absent. So since the imaginary job's benefits are so good, maybe I should just go for it and become Bull's Saint full-time? I will totally never get to the level of actual insane level of forgiving real Saint your boyfriend is, but as far as pretend games go, in your opinion as great actor yourself, don't you think I could play a pretty neat fake Bull's Saint? "

[Mirach]

"I think you'te much more knowledgable and skilled in political games than me," Senecio said. "If that feels right to you, then go for it. It really is a convenient excuse for you to act not like the healer but merely a mediator whose prayers sometimes work and sometimes not, according to Bull's will. You can even explain the ears as his blessing. And the deal also sounds fine to me, but you'd have to make it with Hans, not with me. Should I explain the situation to him and introduce you? I can do that, just tell me how much I should tell him about your plan of his treatment. Do you think he knows why he can't sing and have these flare ups? I feel like it's something he might know, but I'm not sure."

[VisAnastasis]

" It is better if you explain the situation to him and introduce us, the only important thing is that he does not find it suspicious that you said you'll go with Erdel at sea, but it suddenly turned into a meeting with me. Way too suspicious. Should we maybe go with you informing him why he has trouble singing and has flare-ups, and say that is my conclusion, but to decide how best to help him, I'd have to observe him more, or something like that? Maybe we can mention beforehand some smaller thing, like possible help with Simbel, and then, depending on how things go, when it feels right, tell him about new soul pieces from me and Svarik's suggestions? As I said, there could be more things that we can come up with if we brainstorm options; this was just what I thought would be the least invasive. As for the question of how much he knows, I heard he tried to Sing when you were dying, and that last big thing he did with his singing was after he was hurt, when he gave form to Janus, and Tide made him promise he will not try Singing again since that time it almost killed him. Trying to Sing is definitely exceedingly painful and his health still seems on the mend from the last time he tried it. So he definitelly knows forcing out a Song is technically possible, but that it can shatter his soul. As for flare ups, though, he seemed exceedingly frustrated with himself, so maybe that part he is more under impression his body is not behaving properly when he is feeling strongly, which technically isn't wrong, but it might not be bad idea to inform him how it's tied into his Singing and vibrations from it. Wouldn't it feel better, to feel all your problems have a clear easily understandable cause, then to always be on the edge because you never know when something might start going a bit wrong? " Ben suggested, as he spoke, despite offering possibilities, his words sounding much less clinical and colored with more open, clear concern. That concern colored his feelings toward the actor, too, as he hesitantly looked back at him and added, more free with him, but also more careful, choosing his words slowly, as if trying to inform him without stirring his wounds, much like he wished for others. " It... is always nicer to know, isn't it? You know... When we go to the theathre to conduct my dramatic praying... when I make you that chart where I connect the dots for everyone... do you want me to include you in the lines... so that you know? Thankfully, your health seems quite stable right now... You must have been medicated well, and were taken good care of recently. But I can also trace past diseases, too, that have been medicated and either went away or are in remission. I can include all that in charts, too, so that now only active diseases, but bastards whose victims are relatively okay now but had been better medicated won't get away without you knowing where lines are connected. And... you don't have anything too serious, not anything that would manifest right away, or that you could transmit to Tide - but if you don't plan to become a Being too soon, it might be good to be careful if you plan to engage with humans. I originally planned to just take care of that quietly while turning you into Being, so you don't have to fret about that, but you seem pretty casual about discussing it with me, so if you don't have immediate plans, I felt it might be best to discuss it now, so you can make informed choice. " he whispered quietly, his voice soft with sorrow and compassion, as he threaded carefully to avoid bringing up bad memories, talking about turning him into a Being with such casual acceptance, as if it was completely natural, fully different to how actor imagined it - with no dramatic test, no high ground or grand conditions, talking about planing it as if one was planning a helpful medical procedure, not an extremely magical unique event. " Would you like to wait with it and have us take care of it all when becoming Being? Or is it unpleasant to feel it, and you'd prefer I pray it away with our mighty Bull, so that you can put it behind you? And... " he paused carefully, since it was a personal subject for himself too, before he added. " I mean, if I am being presumptuous and you don't want to become a Being, that would be quite an embarrassing assumption from my side, so interrupt me if I am wrong, okay? But if you do... regardless of what you become, you will be a Being child, too, so you'll have to take good care of your mental health, okay? And if you want to become a Demon, not for my sake, but your own, you will have to take special care, so you don't end up oosing miasma. I would not feel assertive enough to give you this recommendation on the first meeting if you were not assertive with your well wishes for my well-being, too... but if you want to become a Demon, before you turn, I hope you'd take my advice to heart, and take as good care of your health as possible first, so you can have as healthy foundation as possible. Like you have seen with Hans's scars, things you feel are real manifest greatly in your form. Any... scars you currently have... if you feel like they are a tangible part of your identity, they will manifest as part of your form. I could smooth out your scars for you, either all or those you particularly don't want, if you point them out to me, so that it will be a smaller chance, when you get used to not having them, that they won't repeat on you after you are a Being. I... used to have a lot of unwanted scars and chronic wounds... from my childhood. I am very grateful to Simbel and Svarik, for... making sure I was well healed before I turned into a Being. After my soul was shattered, some things kept reappearing and hurting, and it was a nightmare, but thanks to their care, now that I am better again, I am thankfully back to fragile, but healthy default. I can't imagine what hell it would be, having chronic health problems for eternity, because your mind can't catch up with your actual health. So, all I am saying is, whether through me or other means, adressing your phisical and mental health is very good choice in meantime while you're preparing yourself for the big step. And... it is unintuitive, buy, ahem... " suddenly his face got little redder at unexpected thought that made his feelings flare up shyly too. " Your boyfriend has those large jaws, and you guys seem particularly bitey, so, uhm... If you want to actually *keep* some permanent scar, like, if you want a permanent bitemark, might be good idea to pick a nice spot and make it, if you are up for that kind of thing and want it to more likely stay after you become Being. Beings would sometimes come to Riversong, asking for help in making things like lovebites or tatoots permanent, too, because tatoos usually can't stay permanent and either make going betwen layers difficult, or dissappear once you pass through layers, so you have to get tattooed over and over again unless you can get the feeling of the tatoo as part of your mindset. So if you want tatoos for eternity, also, good idea to get it quickly so you can get used to it, so I can tell you to think through it well, and inform me regularly on what plans are and what are we trying to keep or gain, so we can plan toward it better? It is very easy to dissociate if you feel like your appearance is not how it is supposed to be, it was also a nightmare for me before I got this appearance back, when I would touch my face and feel like things just were not on right places where they should be under my fingertips.  Appearance you have feeling right is important part of health, too. Also, you have a unique advantage of Being human, and humans being able to enter Simbel's pond... so even if you become a Demon afterwards, you are in a unique position where you can first dream with Simbel, plant flowers in garden of his mind, and go into his pond to focus on your health and mentality, and only become Demon afterwards, so you would have constitution less likely to produce miasma. I hope you don't feel like I am meddling - if you choose not to do this, I won't hold it against you. I could take advantage of your wish to help Hans, and guilt-trip you and tell you shit like that, I hope you'd go to the pond and do this, so Hans would feel more inclined to follow to support you and do it himself. But it would be unfair. Hans is strong, and he can certainly do it even if you don't join him. It would just be my personal hope, because you'll be very young Being, too, so I'll fret for you less if you have a strong health foundation, " he said gently, returning to him the worry Senecio gave to him as a young Spirit. " Whether through this way, or if you choose some other unique way that works more for you... I will either help you or cheer for you. You don't have to give me exactly what I said - all you have to give me is something. Not a course meal, just a small bite will do. Just enough reassurance that you have done your best to be in as healthy a space as possible before you ask me for the change, that's all. "

[Mirach]

"Oh yes, about that... you already know? I was actually going to ask about your experience on going from human to Spirit," Senecio said. "I already asked Erdel about becoming Demon, but I'm not decided yet. Another option is just to stay human and go for immortality. Seeing how much of a hassle it is to grow up again as a Being, I'm not quite sure yet. But I'm still leaning that way, just because it seems cool, too, and I'd love to be able to shift shapes. But again, seeing you and Erdel, I definitely don't want to do it right now, before dealing with some of my own shit. You're not planning to leave, right? I got a ring from Alpha that ensures I don't die by accident in the meantime so there's less urgency. Unless you give me a timeline, I'd like to prepare properly. I don't want to drag a ton of baggage into it. Doing the Simbel thing with Hans seems like a great way to rope him into it, too. And thanks for the heads up about bites, I wouldn't have the idea, but I love it. And yes, you should include me in the chart, I want it as complete as possible. I'll talk to Hans today. I'd rather do it alone first and I'll call you later to introduce you. I'm just wondering when would be a good time. We were planning a trip to Fourth city, and if I talk to him there, I can't call you right away. That might not be bad actually, to give him more time to think about it. But there will be Tide and Alpha too, and it might be better to talk to him alone. Maybe it would be better after we get back, but he will surely ask about my trip with Erdel. What do you think would be better?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Hmm... he definitely seems like he would be very excited to hear how good a time you had, and would be suspicious if you only mentioned I was there at a later date. How about telling him once you're back, so that you can talk it through and get over it before you go to Fourth city? I don't think you would want your trip to be spoiled by him being startled by the scary, sudden info dump out of nowhere. So maybe getting it done first would be best? If you ask for long term plans, I am not certain yet if I will return with others to capital, I might or might not, depending on how work is going and what Svarik's law lesson plans are, since that... Erdel and I plan to learn with Svarik. But I do plan to go between here and there depending on how everyone's health is going. As for today's plans, I am not planning on going anywhere until... Ball tonight. I, uhm, sort of have, kind of a date, so... my plan is to first work on the law, and afterwards I... I  have to go out shopping around to find something good to wear," he explained, little more tensely and sheepishly, before continuing." And, yes... I knew about possible Being plans for you, but not if there was anything concrete yet. Alpha approached me so I could help him make that Ring for you, and I originally planned to first meet you before helping him, just to make sure I would not be making some scary bastard unkillable, but I agreed after he explained to me about theathre and how he wanted to make you ring urgently, before next time you go on stage to play, so you could be more at ease playing. He asked me if I would be open to making a deal with him to change you into Being if you choose that path, since as a Star he felt like he had more to offer me. I explained how there's no need for that and that you and I will just talk it through and decide together what is best for your mental health, and in consideration of your complicated position of Demon King's consort and all that," Ben explained simply, clearly intent on giving him all needed transparency, informed choices being extremely important to him." I am glad you are taking my suggestions to heart, and naturally, it would be fucked up if I preached about your mental health, but forced a strict timeline on you. I don't think Spirit Kingdom would be brave enough to risk trying anything underhanded since the war started after Grendel's queen died, so just make sure you are observing the situation carefully so you avoid danger. It is my opinion, and I won't force it on you, and it is not intuitive, but actually, becoming a Being is a very good safeguard in its own way against being tortured if captured by the enemy, now that Death has promised to start returning Demons as themselves. As a Demon, if captured, rather than enduring torture or your family not being able to find you while you are years in captivity in who knows what hidden layer prison, it's better to take the ring off and die, so Death can bring you back to your family. While ring would make sure you don't die no matter the torture, for me, too, in its twisted way, it's reassuring that even if Spirit Kingdom captures me for some reason against my will, I can give them a middle finger and die so that bastard Death can respawn me here near Sea Heart. I have memories of captured prisoners of war, and even more fervent memories of Riversong using all indirect measures he could to avoid having Beings on Demon side of war in mountain captured. So even if it might be little more difficult to grow up, in my opinion, insurance is more solid, plus, you look really excited talking about other forms... I think it would suit you," he smiled shyly." If you decide that path, you would have to tell me in advance what you are hoping to be able to do, since not everything is as easily possible without preparations. Also, level of power is important to consider, because making people more powerful takes bigger toll on me, so I would have to plan and reschedule any other obligations around it, since I would have to recover from the strain. Some mid level power might be wisest, though I can't say it would not be fun in its own way to make you more powerful, just to fuck with Spirit Kingdom, " he chuckled a little, though he spoke serously, as it really seemed like a good thing that suck huge powers were safeguarded by Ben's mindfullness about political and mental complexities, otherwise, in any even less responsible hands, those powers would really be lead to even more unhinged results. " Now, whether going for Spirit or Demon, definitelly think it through well and choose what feels best. I would say go for Demon if there's even slightest chance you will want kids with your Demon boyfriend one day, since no matter how powerful I am and all, it is just incompatible genetically to have kids between Spirits and Demons. Also, demons don't have to breathe, so if you like diving in, not being able to drown is very nice perk to have, since Spirits can drown more easily, while Demons can drown but only if they are careless enough to stop breathing. Also, demons don't have to eat, but it also feels disociating and can make you unwell if you don't eat for too long, so you should eat none the less, but knowing you don't have to isn't bad if you're forced on the run and food is scarce. But if kids are definitelly not on the table and there is peace, and if you like sleeping, might be better to become Spirit. Spiriits not leeking miasma is actually very good if your mental state is extremely poor. What powers are compatible with your mindset is important to what we can do, too. We would need to set right foundation, at least with finding right blessings and things like that. Imagine it like - if I turned Svarik into Spirit, and he wanted powers tied to sun, plants, nature and healing, that would be much easier due to his strong sun ties and healing foundation, right? But if he for some reason really wanted, like, powers tied to fighting, and war, or some random weird power, it would be much harder and we would have to be more sneaky about building right foundation for it, and he would not be too high Spirit since figting is just so distant from his attribute. Erdel... is only so incredibly powerful with such potential because he won cosmic die cast of luck, and each stat given went exactly matching his nature. He can either be very powerful or otherwordly powerful, there's no low path possible unless his soul is purposely damaged. You asked me for my experience about becoming a Spirit. Actually, it does not feel much different at the start, physically, as shock did not kick in right away, and at the start, I was sort of going with flow and accepting of being Riversong and trying to grow into it despite discomfort. Plus, long night was ahead and I was focused on ensuring Svarik's survival, other things were secondary. It only hit me all like a horse kick after I got terribly injured at Long Night and had to face Death, too. Things only started feeling nightmarish after I realized how alien it feels, being so much taller than I was supposed to be, and having horns I kept getting tangled into things with, fingers that felt too eerily long, and face whose shape was not right in the mirror... frown that was not mine, and gaze unnatural and stranger one's. It... only sucked so badly because I was very injured, and because I struggled to fit in Riversong's shoes. I... really did not want to tell Death... that someone whose return he said he was waiting for was gone. I kept thinking... If I put effort, I would grow into feeling it, so... I would not be an impostor, mooching on his good will just because I was lonely, " he admitted quietly. " I don't think becoming Spiriit was too stressful in itself... just all things around it that I had to figure out, to which actively duying did not help. There is some stress tied to otherness you will feel when it dawns you are no longer human and will see humans around you grow old and die, but I think... I would have been much less scared by it if I was certain I won't die right away aand would have time to see people die of old age and pass away with my owl eyes as I get used to it. I was scared of permanent death, but I was even more scared that... I would die and just be gone for a very long time, and only return to life long after everyone I know is dead and there is no one alive anymore that knows me. So I just... clung to Death, the only one I had confidence would not leave me, heh... But since your health is doing okay, you don't have to fear most of those things, so I believe, whether Demon or Spirit, that things won't be as scary for you as they were for me or Erdel, or at least, they won't be scary in the same, but in some other, new, interesting way... "