Senecio adn Tide II

[VisAnastasis]

" It might not be a bad idea for you to join us in this and give us a bit of unpaid labour then, if you are in the mood. You would be more useful to us for this than your Spirit companion, since there are no problems with quality of law offered, but a priority of reforms, and you are more qualified for that, having more insight into the urgency of different parts, " Ben explained with simple straightforward tone, despite the look of law student, his confident demeanor with the subject matching well with idea he was primed for a councilor. He waited until there was enough space for Erdel and Senecio to both sit before he continued, pointing over various spread notes as he explained. " First of all, the law suggestion you wrote is impeccable. It would pass with flying colours in an ideal world... But simply put, a lot of interests are at stake, and time is not on our side. If this were suggested a few years into Svarik's rule, we would have more leeway since a lot of other urgent matters would have already been passed, but right now we're in a mess of trying to reform a huge amount of things in small time, and we have to do it in a way that does not make other factions feel threatened. We are on thin ice, so any unjustified huge detailed change with countless pages on this level would feel like Svarik pushing other factions into doing what he wants without giving them leeway, so what would happen is that there would be a lot of pushback from all greedy bastards that would nitpick the hell out of every point, and it would be a process that would drag on for months. So, what we are aiming for is - having this be a very final version, that will be worked toward in smaller parts along with other reforms, sneaked in whenever possibly over the course of this year, " he firmly pointed around, indicating the whole document. " ... While our very first goal is to strip it down ot barebones safety and start of financial reform that we'll work out in a way that we give both military and nobleman faction part of the credit and merit, so instead of fighting for it for few months or forcing Svarik to go the tyrant path by pushing for it with pressure, we can pass most urgent parts in first few days when we get back to capital, so reforms can start right away and only be added on over time," he explained decisively - it seemed that justt like Erdel, Conrad also knew situation in theatre would be hard on Ben, so instead of having them face helplessness with no outlet, he was a step ahead, and gave them a task he trusted them to be able to do as well as he could, of working to protect the victims and assure their phisical and finanfial safety first. " Shorty summed up, first, we need a good explanation for choosing to do this first that will look like it focuses on the betterment of the empire, so it does not just seem like it is pushed for just because Svarik feels like it. Have to avoid any tyrant traps, as I said. For now our working idea is to tie it with the need for good public propaganda spreading now that after ten years of no emperor and great uncertainty, public morale is very low, and big cultural sites like theatres are a good way to oversee and control public opinion. Amount of propaganda tied plays increase in any case always, around time new rules is selected, and people that want to suck up to Svarik would increase and try to write and make art for him in any case, so we have good precedant to claim Svarik wants reforms because he is conscious about monitoring public opinion more closely. That way, if we pass barebones start of laws now, we will also have an excuse to, as soon as you publish the play about Bull, right away push into some more theatre reforms that will protect the right of speech. If we pull it off just right, we will be able to get Svarik to push for changes right now, but then also make him look more reasonable by pretending to yield to pressure he'll be receiving from all sides, and act like he's the one compromising by allowing more critical public speech, even though it's exactly what he wants, " he explained. " But to make first version pass within few days upon our return to the capital, we have to give two factions something tangible - military faction and nobleman faction. Falcon also said to what degree we could, including decentralisation of the military. Most important thing we need to include is proper protection for young actors, better oversight over health and basic financial support for each theathre. Now, for appeasing military, we plan to make money appointed for each theathre go through military appointed faction members, and make money larger than needed for running in order to allow a certain amount of embezzlement to make it profitable for them. It's unfortunate, and we'll have to weed out embezzlement with time, but we are basically giving more money everywhere so we can watch expenses carefully and get a better idea of how next year's budget will be adjusted accordingly. Also, to take care of health, we will appoint one reliable healer from capital per theathres, so they can also report regularly to Falcon and make sure military personal are kept in check. Now that capital has Simbel, me, and this bastard Erdel, need for healers in capital will drastically decrease, so this way, we will also make sure no qualified healer is out of work, and that we have Falcon's people to make sure nothing is without oversight and there are less chances for abuse to be perpecuated, by every faction being more concious of what they do because they are watched by other factions. Now, for appeasing the nobleman faction, we plan for decentralizing army more. Nobility fears the army's power and wants to lessen it, but they don't know yet that it's Svarik's plan, too, so it would look like Svarik is giving them a concession by lowering his own army power. Decentralising the army will be process done bit by bit, but for theathre purposes, we have an issue of protection - we need enough qualified people to employ at theathre for protection, but they also need to be someone local forces can not easily pressure, since they will only answer to central capital forces, not local forces. So, we basically plan to use middle rank military ranks that are more reliable and handpicked, and place a bit of them in each theathre, to scatter the armed forces a bit, and have them act as stationed forces. Long term goal for military pockets like those is to slowly turn them into a more elite guard force than currently underfunded local guards, but for now, we plan to wrap it up in some pretty glory ribbon, like putting it in a way that it's important to oversee public opinion for now so we can make sure the empire does not fracture in first years of Svarik's role. Something that does not feel trivial, but that also won't make anyone too zealous, more like safety precaution measures. Basically, plan is to trick all factions by giving them bit of carrot, while slowly stripping down power from army and turning its focus from war into protection of citizens, and directing nobility to focus on making profit instead of trying to grow their own military power to oppose empire official military, " man finally looked up from huge amount of papers, not being able to hide little more fiersty grin as he spoke of people he clearly did not have high opinion of, though his feelings toward Senecio seemed much softer and regardful. " .... So, summed up, people are bastards and we have to bleed them for their money's worth. So we are going protection route first - nothing is more important than enforcing that throughout land first, offering both safety and financial stability in the transition period. It's better for imperfect change to start right away, then to push for perfect change months away, now that we unfortunately have to look out for any tyrant alegations. Lot of this is in progress, and don't worry, everything we write will pass through Falcon before it gets before the council, but it would be good if you go through process with us, so that we don't push out from the first draft anything you deem most important. As shorter and smaller first law is, quicker we can pass it, but if it's something is important, it's okay to sneak it in if it only adds a day or two to how quickly we can pass it. " he looked at papers wistfully, as he admitted. " ... it is long overdue, so I really hope we get to make a version that gets to pass on the very first day back, but knowing bastards back home, three days is more realistic estimation... "

[Mirach]

Senecio seemed a bit overhelmed by the the politics at first, but then he realized that it's not about a perfect knowledge of laws, but about people with the power to decide, and about a game that is being played on multiple levels - and he knew how he would play the role of a greedy bastard. "So you're trying to pass many reforms," he said thoughtfully, "and are looking for the best strategy? I must admit we didn't look at it from this angle. We just tried to make the best theatre law. But if we look at the bigger picture, if the law is so good, do we need to call attention to theatres in particular? It's not the only place that emplys people. There are also schools, inns, shops and manufactures and other places of employment. Most of the law we wrote would be applicable to them, too. Wouldn't it be easier in the long term, if you tried to pass a broader law that would benefit more people employed in different places, that would also include theatres? There could just be an addendum regarding theatres where it needs to be specific. But one part of what you said I have to disagree with. Do not bring soldiers into my theatre, please. I agree with a strengthening of guards with soldiers that don't report to local authorities, but do not station them at the theatres. There would bepower in their position and you never know what people will do with power over others. Station them somewhere else, and make it safe for anyone to seek them out for protection, so that they can be where they are needed as long as they are needed."

[VisAnastasis]

" As I said, you don't have to be extremely worried - everything we write will pass through Falcon first, and Falcon is going to pass through all policies with Eros, and use Eros's special future vision that measures the overall decrease of unhappiness in the world to test whether different policy combinations would spike collective negative emotions in unexpected ways. Even since they met, he ropped him in to go through all his law proposals, and made him deliver his updates on law notes back and forth from the capital. Basically, using God of Emotions to make law quality control... That scary guy's mind is built different, " Ben grumbled with the most deadpan expression, no matter of all their current differences, both Erdel and Ben agreed Conrad was in his own category. " ... But he is just one man. No matter how great he is and all, he can't do everything, and we must do this as well as possible so he can properly focus on Svarik's corruculum, he's working on it constantly, and it's extremely important for Svarik not to lose other councillor bastard's support that he can catch up on things he does not know quickly. So while it is not something Falcon can't figure out, it's something we must do, so he can do things only he can, so we can push changes more efficiently. Once cirriculum is actually written, we can start learning through it together with Svarik and teaching him, to free Falcon for other task, for now, he first has to complete it. Svarik has a learning disability due to being a listener, and we can't easily teach him the way most people learn, so this bastard here and I must pick up some slack behind the scenes in our free time, " he explained, while taking out some papers to keep adding notes according to Senecio's comments. " So, worse thing that can happen is Falcon bashes our notes and we have to redo it, but we want it to pass first thing back in capital, so we can't afford redoing things too many times, so it's better to do good first. And yes, I get that you tried to make best law - as I said, if we could afford going the tyrant route, we could change more in the short run, but in the long run, it would push us toward militarisation since all factions would resist us, so we unfortunately we have to push things we want sneakily.... "
" First, for making an umbrella law that would benefit all kinds of employees, yes, that would be great in theory, but if we do that, the army faction would raise opposition, insisting that they should get benefits instead, and it could again lead to rising voices for the war, " Erdel murmured more quietly, since he was the one pushed for military function, knowing how they think well. " Andf army has been overpromised, overbenefitted for a long time, and brainwashed - big chunk of higher ones are in favor of new war with Highlands. If we made laws that would benefit workets blanketyl, army would argue they, who are to bleed for country, should have more benefits compared to others. Which isn't wrong in itself, if they were to bleed, but what we actually want is seperating army in smaller pockets so we can gradually brainwash them into thinking protecting citizens from half is more noble than war, which we can't do while big chunk of army is centered around couple big clusters. We have to decentralize. "
" There are also problems with nobleman factions. They are in great part interested in their profit, " Ben agreed grumpily. " If we made laws that benefited all workers at once too much, noble factions would oppose and accuse of of trying to take market control from them. Every nobleman has different stakes in different industries, investing in different kind of businiesses, so they would stall law and pay for protests against us. Could turn into bigger mess easily. "
" We have to delay monopol and any other regulations for later phases and focus on safety first, since big concession to nobles who own monopolies will be delay for dismantling them. So we can improve safety first and work up to better right slowly. " Erdel added. " Biggest things we could perhaps umbrella together with theathre law reforms would be apprenticeships reforms... Mechants guilds would be too hard to reform, but we were eying making apprenticeship reforms soon, anyway... Currently, the pattern is similar as it's very easy for apprentices to fall into the same kind of situations as young actors. "
" Yes, matter with actors is most urgent to adress first because there's much higher number of actors, and people trying out acting more casually than they would a trade, but both are systemic problems, " Ben murmured, like Erdel, dancing around the subject due to regard for Senecio, but seeming quite grim, his feelings darkened. " Falcon was planning those changes anyway, but currently we have lot of problems with poverty, so he's first trying to pass laws about a better system for food distribution for poor, so other things have to wait. Umbrelling anything too large would delay any start into months again, though... Biggest number Hmm... How quickly can you make that play about Bull you intended to do? " he asked actor suddenly. " Perhaps we can package a story about theathre reform like, yes, important propaganda surveilance need, but also a test to, based on its results, in the same way we claim that we can later add more blanket reform for apprenticeships. So, we can pretend it's small little trial thing, pass basic threathre reform we spoke of when we get back  -but then suddenly, on no - your play about Bull comes out, and as soon as it comes out, other factions will use it to force king to acknowledge bigger freedom of speech and give them more ability to criticize the crown - and in exchange, they will allow us more of our conditions in turn. So, then, we can in return for giving up our oh so precious inability to be criticized, we can push for second wave of theathre reforms with more details, and comperhensive apprentice system reform. That way, what happened to those theathre mechanisms kids won't happen as easily even if it's tied to apprenticeships in trades untied to theathre work. Svarik's inability to be criticized is a chip we can use very well, thankfully, but we can only do it after you raise enough fire with the play. So, how quickly we can pass those other things depends how quickly you plan to make it. "
" It is really good bargaining tool for all factions, and we can only use it once, so it has to be used for something that should be pushed as soon as possible. So I think Senecio's timing and how well they can make it is crucual here. But I do definitelly also agree with his soldiers point. We were still brainstorming it because there are logical limitations, but I also agree the more I think of it that it could be too risky stationing them at the theatres. We do plan to send one healer per units that would be Falcon's men,to report directly to Falcon if anything starts working not as intended, as manual correction, but it's better not to leave that opening. We merely wanted to have good stationing spot that we could use right away. "
" Indeed, currently, very big danger is soldiers we send clustering around Bull priests. We do not know what local clergy could be in on the abuse happening. So easiest path would be stationing soldiers in fortresses occupied by Bull priests, and factions will push for it for cost saving purposes, but we absolutely must never allow that. We can under no circumstances make it into situation where we would strenghten priets faction by accident, Ben said decisively, and he took out and brought map of lowlands to center of picnic blanket, studying it carefully. " Hmm... Unfortunatelly, every other solution will cost more money, but we'll have to open a wallet on this one. Hmm.. We want to decentralise and use a professional army so they can be gradually trained to serve as protection for people, anyway. In long run, best way is to build new establishments far from military forts and Bull temples, closer to cities, so they will get swipped up and tyoo busy helping civiliants to think battle thoughts.We have to build something new and package the tale like we are building something dramatic and important for sake of empire and so on and so on... something that makes job feel super important, like making sure to prevent civil wars by keeping public discontent at minimum. We build seperate place, but also assign healer as we planned to each group, so they can still report to Falcon if any abuse of power starts occurring. How does your Spirit friend feel about drafting a base for law for how managment of those special buildings would work and what obligations per law and what benefits per law those that work here will have? We have to make benefits here slightly better than benefits of working regular army job, so people would feel more motivated and grumble less when we oh, so coincidentally, start having them attend lessons and seminars to requalify them to solve things more peacefully. There's lot of dry things to write, so some unpaid labor here would help, since this is all highly confidential information, since we can't widely share information of our plans to decentraize military, and this law has to be written sneakily, so that it looks like we're doing our best to give good perks and make army look good as part of our propaganda to raise morale for the people, while in secret we would be setting foundation to declaw the army. If your friend can write it until we go back to capital, we could put building those new buildings and giving those neat new jobs for soldiers to convince the army faction, so we could have great foundation for all future army decentralisation and people protection, " Ben stroked his chin thoughtfully, clearly intent to squeeze every help he can get, when he himself was also working for free. " Currently, a huge issue through land is that the army is overfunded, while guards are underfunded, because anywhere were rebellion would break out, emperor could just send in the army, so it would not matter if guard wasn't foolproof in addressing people's problems, all they had to be is good enough so rebellions don't happen often. The only reason while Conrad could be so insanely effective is because we took in any army rejects he saw potential in and gave them unaturally high education and trained them into his own underground force that does what underfunded guards could not. Sooner we start turning soldiers toward more protection-related jobs, the more personnel there will be to help people and research crimes, so everyone as a whole will be more protected than now, when either nobility, either bull priests or rich,can  overwhelm local guards by too large a margin for them to make a dent in crime... It sucks, but all those things are connected, so anything we do, we have to force through priests, army and noble factions, though currently priest faction holds relatively okay, since Selgaon and Dirnek did not start their fency pilgrimage yet, so we are overemploying the bastards to manage their faction to the maximum while they are present. "

[Mirach]

"How fast we can make the play?" Senecio asked. "Well, I'd say three days, but I don't want to work on such insane schedule ever again if I can avoid it. But three days would be a good estimate of the total time spent on it. Ideally, we want to spread that work over a longer period. So if we start tomorrow and make it a priority, I'd say a week or two. It won't be a big production, I only want to involve a couple of actors I fully trust. I'd rather make it at least two weeks though, so that it's not too close to our Being play premiere. It would appear more natural that we were encouraged by the success of it and got a bit cocky and got the idea to criticize the king. In that time, you could start pushing other laws that are a priority to you, so that you can be like "yes, okay, we don't like this theatre reform that will enable criticizing of the king, but if you accept these laws, then we won't oppose it". And I'm sure that Hans would love to help you if he can have some real influence on laws. If we do this cleverly, I think we could also use the cooperation on this for our... other agenda."

[VisAnastasis]

" Indeed, " Ben grinned, seeming comfortable and thriving in the chaos of the situation. " For the timing question, it's not just about how quickly it can be written or how it would be bad that it's too close to Being play - it would also be too suspicious if it's written in three days. You can't write something that has a lot of improvisation; it has to have things put firmly down, since it's going to become famous historical piece for being what led to the protection of the speech clause, so it has to be in a format where it's easy for other theatres to play it, being a champion play of free speech and all. Just because we are setting it up to do so purposely, it's not a small thing. If you spoke too harshly against the emperor, your head would roll for treason. So, since it's culturally important, there's also no reason not to make it good, since time is needed for marketing as well. Two weeks sounds best for me, too, to start spreading hype while you actually work, and so we can work on other things in the meantime while we wait. "
" As for Hans's law help, yes, it would be great if he took part. His insight, speed and skill is great. It's a real pity, seeing perfect law like this, " Erdel glanced a little wistfully at papers around them. "... It is pristine, but it is like seeing a book about wolves written from the perspective of someone who researched literature about them meticulously. You won't know how fighting wolves feels if you have not tried to push back against the pack. He was at a disadvantage to begin with. If he were able to go to the capital and just observe for himself, it would be harder to write a law so hard to pass. "
" But I hope you don't get wrong idea, and think we are trying to push your friend into going to capital just because it would be neat to start getting more of his help in the future, although employing him as part time king's law assistant would be beneficcial to both sides, him who wants to have influence, and us who lack people we can trust with confidential plans for future, " Ben rushed to add sternly, revealing more hesitasntly, his voice more distant, as he gazed at map he brought out, where capital could be seen. " ... It might seem an unusual start of prescription, and I am ready to explain in any detail you require - but shortly put, I believe whatever else we decide, your friend going to the capital is a must for the sake of his health, too. Alpha told me about his and Svarik's plan to organise a big event at Spring Equinox so people would go out of town for the festival, and Alpha could paint roofs pink, so it would feel different and easier for your Spirit friend to feel things are different from his trauma and face it more easily, but I believe it's a mistake. Not a plan, but timing. The date is too far. I believe it should be done as soon as possible, so we can get your friend to the capital sooner, " he said decisively, continuing his explanation further, showing this was something he must have thought through a lot since yesterday on his own. " Spring equinox is at March 21. Sure, we should have some great Simbel holiday for it, too, but I think we should do roof planting one sooner. I checked the archive of old religious calendars last night, and I was thinking of suggesting 1st February to Conrad and Svarik, even if the deadline is a little tighter. It is historically important, and can be tied symbolically to Spring, as it is the day that falls halfway between December's winter solstice and March's spring equinox. Luckily we did not miss it yet, and there's about two weeks left, so we can match it as we see best, to overlap with the timing of the start of your play. Normally, it would be a little tight, but Simbel is great at planning things, with his mind abilities. It would be even better for our plan, actually, I think - Simbel can distract Bull priests faction as they plan for festival together if we claim we had Bull revelation, God spoke to us and all that, so they would have no choice but be distracted by festival preparations, " Ben parrotted imagined God with his hand most casually and disrespectfully. " So, with Bull faction distracted, we can only focus on dealing with noblemen and army factions. More chaos and more things happening in same time instead of just one linear event from point a to b would make it easier to fake that these are historical events that just happened to flow into one another, not that they were artificially orchestrated by us. "

[Mirach]

"Well, you'd have to arrange that with Svarik and Simbel, I have no influence on that. But before we get back to the law, I'd like to know more about your plans with Hans. I only know from Erdel that you have the power to help him, and you would like to do it. I also would like him to get better, but I know Hans. He won't let you touch his soul unless he feels comfortable with you and trusts you fully. Is that what you would like? And if we can achieve that, how would you help him? Why does he need to go to the capital?"

[VisAnastasis]

" We will have to make more detailed plans, but yes, in any case, whatever else he agrees to do, I believe we should gently coax him to the capital. For Beings, especially for tricky ones like Singers who have a deep perception of themselves, their minds greatly influence their health. Capital, in his mind, is still a place where he was tortured and trapped. A bad song he is stuck in that is so loud it drowns out his own song. It could never sink in that it changed, so anxiety from lack of closure is one of the couple of things that delay further recovery. Beings that work for him noticed he got much more stable since he met Svarik and got to cooperate with him a bit. It did not feel real to him that Thief died just because he got the news - it started feeling real when he got to see the new king and get the feeling he could ally with him instead of fight him. Difference in experience lets things sink in. Singers are especially resistant to allowing change done to them. I also have a case of a Highlander Singer Zephir in capital whose been through a lot. He can't walk well, he lost his eye, and other shit. Unfortunatelly since he's resistant, I can only make changes for the better for him gradually, as he gets more confident and feels more stable in his environment. You perhaps noticed it with the makeup you do for your friend? Or is it too early to tell with the naked eye? Hard to tell, but with time, the more you do it for him, if things stay like this, you should be more easily able to see improvements to his scars. They are clearing out more from the depth to the surface. For now, it's probably easier to just feel under touch that they are getting less rough under fingertips, and that color is little more faded, right? On one hand, it's a huge help that you are enabling him to see his face as it feels right to him - it makes it feel more real, and easier to imagine being okay. On the other hand, more importantly, it is pretty personal for Beings to let you touch them where they have been permanently hurt. It's important you are giving him new soothing memories that he can think of as default memories tied to his face, instead of memories of being cut. You give him the core memory of the texture of soft makeup instead of the texture of flowing acid. You are doing great enough for setting the foundation for change, so timing is great, " Ben shook his head seriously, as he added. " ... It is not comfortable talk, and there are different things that can be done, depending on how better you want him to get... But I hope you won't get silly ideas that I would randomly suggest just pushing my hand into his soul and rewriting changes by force. Yeah, I can physically do that, but without his consent and other measures first, it would be the cruellest torture, " he muttered little darkly. " ... I myself was so hard to treat because my soul was too fractured to handle touch, but needed to be treated, trapped in a loop of only getting worse. It is an extremely shitty and scary feeling, knowing you are actively dying but that conventional tries for help would only make you die faster. Your friend has finally gotten little more stable, now that he feels more security and less terror with Svarik as king, and that you are giving him new soothing experiences. Do you think I would compromise your hard work by pushing him over the edge again? How far we do all depends on how better you want him to get, but I would never just shove my hands in there. It would be like trying to straighten a crumbled, wet paper by force. Yes, I have power to force it open, but paper would get all torn and messed up and its contents could be lost for good. I have no interest in fixing one thing wrong with his health, that one horrible experience was brought just by forcing a different horrible experience on him. Sure, whatever I do wouldn't leave him in a worse state than he already is, and maybe we'd have to accept some drawbacks if he were actively dying like I was, and we had to rush in to do something to stop him from dying permanently, but there's no urgency to force a fix now that he is more stable than ever in the last centuries. This stabler state isn't a sign we have more margin of error to fuck up without killing him. It's an opportunity to help him more. "

[Mirach]

"I'm glad to hear that, it really wouldn't work and I'd have to stop yplou from doing that. So what would you like to do instead?" Senecio asked. "I don't quite understand the need for urgency with the visit to the capital. If there's no need to rush and he's becoming more stable, why do you think two months is too long and we need to get him there in two weeks?"

[VisAnastasis]

" It's because... he's getting too happy, " Ben unexpectedly gave him a small, bittersweet smile, looking at him thoughtfully. " You saw him yesterday... He had two flare-ups. Ironically, this stable environment where he can allow himself to feel very happy... it is good for his health, in a way, yes, but it can also be double edged sword. He wants to keep doing what he likes and enjoy it... can you imagine how miserable it would feel, to have flare-ups like those nearly every day, reminding you of your weakness each day, interrupting you whenever you are overjoyed? Can you imagine us only starting the next steps in two months instead of two weeks? It can easily slowly build up into a negative, shameful experience and backfire. Each flare-up exhausts his body and forces him to need more rest. You have built too lovely life with him, to keep his feelings neutral. I guess... trying to explain why all this is happening would clarify better, but... Ahh... it's so damn frustrating. All Riversong's knowledge on this is from his thinking in Spirit language, so it's hard to translate it properly when there are no human words and terms for any of that shit. Hmm... maybe a metaphor would work best... hmm... "  Ben ground his teeth in frustration as he struggled to explain, but then, his face suddenly cleared up a bit, as he saw a seashell on the side. He took it and one beach stone from the side, and on one of the law books he brought, he smashed the seashell into a couple of fine pieces. Then, he brought pieces together and placed broken pieces against each other, so that they held a clear shape of the seashell for others to see, but would clearly crumble if he was not supporting them with his hands. " ... For explaining purposes, this is how your friend's health is right now. His soul is not injured in conventional way - fractures aren't full like here, but there are lot of weaknesses all throughout his soul. That's why he can no longer Sing. Singing causes vibrations throughout body, mind and soul, so his whole being instinctively knows that if he forces himself to Sing, it could shatter his soul and kill him permanently. His vessel has gotten too weak, and strong vessel is required to be able to Sing without suffering more bachlash stronger the song is. Singing is incredibly painful for him, and each try would get him very sick, since vibrations being forced through him feel sickening, like this,  only if we had an example of how each tone setting you on fire would be, " he shook a broken shell in his hand, so it could be seen his movements threatened to break the delicate balance and bring shards apart. " ... So, never Singing is only sure way to avoid setting him rapidly onto path of actively dying, but it's not like it's fully safe, either, if he keeps getting flare ups all the time. For me it was similar, where my body refused to let me use my powers, because even one use would be too much for my vessel to handle, and it would shatter my soul permanently. My theory about his flare ups and why they happen when he's both too happy and too sad... is because his soul is trying to automatically brace itself for Singing, despite song isn't coming, because he subconsciously knows if he sings his soul could get shattered. His vibrations get woozy and unstable, to discourage him from singing, but it also makes him unable to see, stand or feel well. It's not like forceful shaking like Singing... more like fearful shaking, anticipating the grave consequences of Singing. It is a pattern of the past. I imagine he always used powerful Songs when under great stress and danger in Being war, to get out of it... and when he was so joyful he can't help but want to bring cheer to his loved ones with Special powerful Songs. So, basically, reason he had flare up yesterday... was because he was just that happy he felt like Singing even if he could not. And unfortunatelly, it will just keep happening, and it is not as dangerous as actual Singing, but we never know if continous flare ups will take a toll if it happens too often in short time, " Spiriit spoke more quietly, his tone dry and mechanical, but Senecio feeling clear grin and determined kind of sadness in him as he now gently shook the shell he held together, to demonstrate what he meant. " ... If all we want is to bring him to state where flare ups don't take as big toll even if they keep happening, urgency is not that great. I know it's much more ambitious, but instead of just making him little better... it is my personal wish to enable him to Sing again. True, he was riddiculously overpowered Singer, with few equals in history, so it would not be possible to expect him to be as strong as he once was overnight. He would have to slowly get stronger and stronger gradually, without rushing over centuries, to be able to exert more powerful songs gradually. But getting him to Sing smaller simpler Songs that follow natural flow or the world, so that he can Sing small lullabies and cheerful songs when he's happy without it crumbling him down? It's not easy, but I believe that's a goal that is within the scope of reality. It would not be possible a hundred years ago, while Thief still lived, nor three years ago, when he was dealing with shitty and miserable things - but it's possible now, because he is in a mindset that allows hope. You know him better, so you can know better if he can maintain same hopefulness for two months of constant flare ups. I am not saying it's impossible... He's ressilient. I am just saying... it would feel shitty to prolong it longer than necessary, when with some extra work on our side, we could shorten his suffering. Like... it's not like it is not possible to try to make him little more miseralble, just to make him have less happiness induced flare-ups, so his soul does not get too unstable within two months of wait, but... how would it not in every way be medically trashy and unethical of me, to suggest to you to make sure you always try to bring him down a notch whenever he is getting too happy, just to make sure his soul gets unstable less often? "

[Mirach]

"So, on one hand he's more stable than before, but on the other hand, just because of that he can get worse, maybe even rapidly?" Senecio asked with worry. "If we just keep busy with the play and the laws in the two weeks, it should be fine, right? But I still don't know what you want to do to make him able to Sing again in such a short timespan. That would be huge, but wouldn't you still need to do something to his soul?" He looked at the broken shell. "To glue it together, you'd still need to reach into it... Or do you think it would just heal on its own if he sees that the city is safe? What exactly is the plan here? And what relationship do you need to have with Hans to be able to do it?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Best way does not have to be let magical life tied creature wave a magic wand way. It's not the case that you have to reach into a far mountain for a wise, cranky old man, and only have his help alone. This cranky young man is not alone; he has backup." Ben grinned a little more widely, and a little snidely, he turned to Erdel. " Bastard... bring me a bit of that dry grass over there. I need it to make a proper point, " he directed the vampire, who obediently, with no word, went and picked up dry grass from a side and placed it at the side in the sand. Spirit took it, and pressed strawlike grass within his hand, doing something to it with focus - one corner of it started to melt and turn golden. Senecio recognised it was real gold, and while it was clear that once the creature could churn out large quantities, because it was frail now, it was a slow process that felt calming and meditative in its own way, similar to how it looked like when Sage was brewing tea. He brought the slowly melting gold to one of of cracks and began gonig along the edge of it, slowly filling crack with gold. " ... There was an ancient custom once, back when pottery was much rarer and more precious. When it would break, they would use special techniques within molten gold or silver to fill the cracks in a way where where final result leaves a mended cup that has golden lines as signs of mending, but vessel is again firm enough to be able to be filled with hot or cold things without breaking, " he was explaining more gently as he was slowly working on filing the seashell pieces with gold. " That's what we need to accomplish for the final result. Pottery that is mended enough to be used again. A vessel that is strong enough to support Songs again. It is not like he lost his ability to Sing... it is still there. It is just that his vessel is no longer strong enough to support it. I am not saying it's easy, and there are different ways to address it. We can keep brainstorming so we can choose the best path, it is just my impression that going the most non-invasive path is best for his situation. And for him, that would be a combination of all our hard work, but primarily, on the magical side, first Simbel and Svarik, " he said, focusing quietly on his handiwork as he spoke, as if it made him easier to focus on something so distant like that to not dwell on darker thoughts subject carried for him. " I told this to Svarik when we were discussing Janus's health, too. For some Beings, softer, gentle music like Svarik's would be much better than strong healing of Death, because it feels safer. Problem with our options... is that there are limited due to just how starkly bad his experiences were. There's only so much you can do, when even closeness feels like violation. I... have gotten much better, but I can barely manage to handshake people when I put my determination into it. That shit's not easy. Your friend is doing great, with shitty lot given to him. Even if Tide donated some soul pieces to him, his soul would reject it since it is too invasive an operation, so we can't use someone's existing soul transplant. I asked Beings around, and it seems that Tide used to caress Hans's soul often before as bonding thing between them, but that after what happened, if he ever tries it, Hans throws up. Even when Tide touched where it does not hurt, it feels nauseating, because the structure is unstable. Lot of things can be molten gold that are unconventional, like happiness from stable life with you, and doing his makeup. Those thing would help, although very slowly and not without hardships due to the happiness they bring. So what I was thinking was three way solution. First, doing all small things that can put him in favorable state. Your makeup, stable environment, giving him tasks that bring him fulfillment, like writing laws and plays. Bringing him to capital, and supporting him while he faces places with his bad memories, so it can sink in that danger is gone, so he is more stable for next step... Next step... I think should be bathing in Simbel's waters until he fully gives into their influence. That's another reason why facing capital as soon as possible would be good. So he can get Simbel's help as soon as possible. Rather than just mechanically fixing the problem, being treated with Simbels' water is... a more spiritual personal experience. For people that had bad experiences... if it's done at their pace with regard to their feelings, feeling of cleansiness and... purity Simbel brings... is... very good... incentive to have a more positive experience instead, " Spirit murmured while not taking eyes of his demonstration, as if meeting Senecio's gaze could reveal too much of his inner turmoil, despite actor could already feel unusual vulnerability with which man spoke. " It... sucks in its own way, and it means facing lot of baggage, but... Svarik also went through it because he needed that extra strenght for Long NIght. Simbels's waters... are all like mushy gold. They can mess him up if he forces it beyond his boundaries, but if you keep firm watch over him to make sure he has a good instead of violating experience, it would strenghten his soul enough for whatever else is done to him to be more effective because he will be more responsive to change. What we do next depends on if we manage to get perfect conditions. Svarik's music is soft enough that it can feel safe enough to allow torn soul to mend together more closely. So, in worst case, while he is under impression of Simbels' waters, he would be responsive enough to Svarik's music to, little by little, add little more gold in those cracks. That is least invasive way that could take couple years, so it's more risky and messy if he keeps having happy flare ups. Other path is little more invasive and can only be done if he trusts me enough in meantime. In that path, we would still use Svarik's music as means of healing, but we would not only be slowly filling gold over time. I would create personalised extremely thiny and small soul pieces, each soul piece matching given crack on his soul, bland soul pieces completely matching his signature, to minimize rejection. I would then lean in those new soul pieces, and Svarik would use his music to mend them. It would create incredibly fine gold glue, where those golden scars are so fine you can barely see them. He would still require regular gentle soothing songs and baths in Simbel's water for that new gold to become accepted and regular part of him, just like it takes a while for molden gold to harden. But, it would mean that there would not longer be happy or saddness induced flare ups, becuase his vessel would be strong enough to not need that gut reaction, and although very soft safe songs at first, he could Sing right away, instead of it coming slowly over years or decades, if we were to just use Svarik's song and Simbel's waters alone, without my help. I am not saying it's wrong. It's better to do it than not if that's all you can. I also suggest this path because leaning new soul pieces against him is much more surface level and less violating invasion than if I reached into his soul and into deepest parts and tried to glue them together with no new connected tissue, but force. I could do it, and it would technically be better than him being at risk of shattering, but it is violence and I would not offer such thing unless he was going to die permanently if I do not do it. What I suggested is way where even if I unfortunately have to take part, it is as little invasive from me as possible. "

[Mirach]

"That sounds hopeful," Senecio said, "but ultimately, the choice is his, along with the decision to go to the capital and to use Simbel's water. We can just try to help him feel more ready, but if he says no to anything of that, then it's a no. So how do we balance this? We need to tell him about the options, but if we do it right away as you are introduced to him, he will recoil. We need to introduce you through the law first. You should spend some time working on it together, so that he can get to know you."

[VisAnastasis]

" I can't say it's easy to say nothing. It's like being able to see ghosts and having to act casual and do normal things and having to pretend you don't see them when they are swarming all around. I am not really sure if I can easily pull of acting like I didn't carefully think through all possibilities before meeting me if he tried to inquire. So it won't be easy, but I will give my best... I am not confident either my acting or he could easily last for two months, though. Singers are very perceptive, " he sighed, as it seemed, knowing his temper and how worried, in his own way, he was, he was not too confident suddenly. " I mean... I am not exactly a pleasant person, so in any case, I am not sure if spending more time with me would help him find me more reliable. I think think first getting more used to Simbel's and Svarik's idea of helping would be easier since it's softer, instead of thinking of someone pushing new soul pieces into you. My presence is not naturally soothing like Simbels's. I am just a guy, " he shrugged his shoulders grumpily while tracing the shell now firmly glued with gold with his fingertips. " I... am not sure I know how to be a reliable person if I have to pretend to be a kind of person who casually saw his medical flare up yesterday, and instead of thinking of how to help, all I could think of is how to get volunteer law work from him, pretending like I am not holding any insight into his health and like I am a kind of person who only cares about his own job. Would you think a person like that tryly wants you well, if all they do on your first meet is use you for your skills? " he was grumbling while grinding his teeth, looking in very dark mood, which looked strange when combined with how carefully he pressed glued gold shell so broken parts that were dryng would align under better angles. " How would I ever recover from playing a careless, thoughtless ashole high noble like that? I don't know him well enough. I don't know what a good solution would be. It's so hard to decide what to do when there are things only you can see... " he shook his head in frustration, clearly struggling. " ... I really don't know what is best; if I did, I'd have approached him yesterday myself. Start feels hardest, and what is good limit between what we should say to give him hope, versus what we must not say to not frighten him away. I definitelly think we should do festival at 1st february in any case, so roofs would be repainted sooner and he does not have to wait two months. Perhaps it would be less scary visit if he were to go with all of you as support, and you could first support him and take part in festival with him, so after painting is done, he can experience the city along with other people for the first time, under positive impression of the festival? Lot of things that fall on my mind are large, but if none of my ideas feel just right, we can brainstorm more. We have lot of healing inclined Beings, so I could try to come up with other options if you pinpoint the direction to me that you feel he would accept. Breaking ice and control of information seems harder. Huh... Hm... I guess, well, that we could sortoff in roundabout way have me suggest for him to try drinking bit of Simbels' water to see how it goes? Eros can bring non-living things with him, so he could bring him small amount to see how it feels. It's not as effective as when it is at pond, but it's close second. But I still would recommend that he drinks it in Simbels' presense. Maybe you, him and Simbel could have small preaceful conversation and try it out a little to do your best to create a positive connection? It needs to be a spiritual experience, not just technical. It would be good chance to test it now that he is more stable, so he can more easily see where it could lead. Plus, if we at least come up with something to offer, I could pretend more easily that I was just a regular bastard, not a bastard without blood and tears that only cares about his law expertise... "

[Mirach]

Senecio watched the mended shell. "No, you're right, that's not a good option. I didn't mean it like "don't tell him anything". Just don't start with it too strong. We need to find some balance where we can be honest and not scare him. How about this: "So this is Ben. He's a bit shy, so he asked Erdel to introduce him to me, and then asked me to introduce him to you, because he was a bit distressed by your flare up, and wondering if he could offer some help. So he would like you to get to know him a bit, so that you can decide if that's something you would want to eventually try. There's this law that he needs some help with, so maybe you could work on it together to see how that works out? By the way, that would really help our theatre law to be accepted as soon as possible..." That's just a first draft, of course, it's open to suggestions. You can't really get him to trust you by pretending something. Just a guy is perfectly fine, as long as you put some effort into it and try to be just a little more pleasant. You don't even need to succeed all the time, it should just be visible that you're trying. And how about inviting Svarik as well? You say he needs some law education. It might be good for that if he observes you working, and can help with some minor bits. Working together towards a common goal is great for breaking the ice."

[VisAnastasis]

Ben looked quite heavy with the actor's words, but was still relieved that what they asked him to do did not lead to presenting him as a villain. Still, asking him to be more pleasant seemed to have done quite an emotional blow. He did not get angry, but grumpiness seemed to significantly increase, coming off in a new, to the actor, forlorn way.
" I... have sort of been doing my best to be pleasant this whole time. If it does not read as that, I am really cooked, hah... " It seemed he was still trying to be, his weak attempt at a joke and a smile trailing off, suddenly unsure what to do with his stiffer posture, holding onto the shell a little unsurely and awkwardly, like someone reminded they can breathe manually, that grows self-conscious about each breath. " I... am not sure what you want from me. If you want someone pleasant like Simbel, he is right there. Svarik is right there. You can not tell me that I can not get his trust if I pretend to be something I am not, but then tell me to be more pleasant. Isn't it already tedious enough to talk to me when I am speaking like this? Is the polite subdueness not unpleasant enough already, if I raise it ever more, what would it feel like, except incredibly fake? " he asked a genuine question quietly, without sarcasm, as if truly asking for something he did not know. " I do not understand you people. You are all so soft spoken and demure about all this. I am trying to match your energy out of regard, but there's nothing in this situation that does not make my blood boil. Thief never suffered for what he did. Many who should have been punished died peacefully in their beds. Tarmagil died thinking he's doing a grand deed, sacrificing himself to the vampire general, his last moment being happy. That bastard at theathre died before I could meet him, and I can't even do anything about all those other bastards without either making Svarik sad, or messing things up with Conrad and your Spiriti friend, because we can't possibly be planning three different sets of revenges without each of us messing up each other's work, " he was shaking his head more firmly, his previously subdued well thought out words coming through with more force, and much stronger feelings - Senecio could feel Erdel was tryly right, that seeing those people in theathre walk around freely, with whatever special sight Ben had, was making his blood boil. Yet still, despite being reminded on those deeper thought upset him, it seemed he was still trying his best to tone it down, and there was a great anxiety brewing with the tense try to rein in his feelings - an anxiety that, after all the effort he put in a good first impression, he would screw it up when he let himself say too much. " I... I mean... It is not like I am saying that I believe any of you guys are without blood and tears, either. I in no way think I have any moral high ground. It is merely the law of recency. You've been dealing with this outrage and garbage for a while, so it's a familiar trash for you. But this is a trash I am seeing for the first time, so it's naturally that I feel more disgusted than veterans taking trash out each day. "
Erdel bit his lip, glancing at Senecio, looking regretful, as if he was worried that in distress of worrying about making more mistakes and not doing it right, Ben might just dig himself into deeper hole.
" Well, what we choose to do all depends on uhm, what kind of things reassure Hans, " he glanced at actor, as if hoping for help, trying to figure out by his expression what actor is feeling. " Senecio knows better, so, uhm, it would not be good idea if Hans thought you were indifferent to what was happening, if we just, hm, focus more on empathising your good points, like how hard you're working on the law, too..."
" We have been working exactly same amount of time, there's nothing more special about my commitment than yours. I am only the one writing notes because I had caligraphy lessons so my handwirting's better, you can't call that harder work, " Spiriti grumbled, despite anxious restless swarm of negative thought kicking in, still refusing to act anything but gentle toward shelf whose molten gold he was waiting to cool. "... I am willing to try anything you ask of me, but I am not confident. I mean, yeah, is it pretty neatly reliable that I am not meddling with personal vengences or trying to dig into your wounds unnecessarily? I am only talking about technicalities. Only functions. All clean, without any unnecessary familiarity and personal questions. I am doing the whole respect-other's decisions-despite-you-want-to-stab-someone very sucessfully. Very demure. Very mindful. I am confident I won't accidentally hurt him if I dance around everything unpleasant. But I am not confident if emptry pleasantries would actually help him trust me. "
" Ahm... I do think Senecio's idea of working on law together is good, in any case, since he's trying to be more friendly around Svarik, so you can more easily center around teaching Svarik. Teaching Svarik should be natural neutral subject, so I think it's great idea in any case. I do not think it's bad idea for you and Hans to see Simbel, too maybe? " He added to check. " It can't hurt since Simbel is here, if you and Hans talk with Simbel a bit, if we maybe phrase it more as it being clear he does not have to do anything, just talk a bit? Or would that feel little too obvious so we should get to it later, maybe bring Simbel again? Bringing Simbel now that we have Eros should be much easier, actually, since, not having a soul, Simbel is only creature Eros can bring here instantly whenever needed. So it's not like it has to be right away, either. But I am wondering one thing. To what level we need to get Ben comfortable with Hans? " he whispered suddenly, as if he just connected some dots and asked for other's opinion. " Naturally, he would have to at least be comfortable enough so that new soul pieces Ben would make would not be rejected. For that, we in any case definitely need Hans to warm up toh im to some degree. But do we need for for pressing soul tightly against Hans's soul part? If it will feel somewhat nauseous and triggering in any way, since Tide can hold souls, and he trusts Tide, how about this? Simbel is doing his water soothing thing. Then Ben makes soul pieces, but Tide is the one who takes new soul piece and presses it against the fractured soul in the right place. With his water bending, he should be able to do it as skilfully as Ben, right? Tide can hold it in place while Svarik heals it, and in meantime, Ben can focus on making new soul piece. Alpha and Senecio can focus on supporting Hans and soothing him so it's all less scary. It's all Hans's deicsion if he accepts any of it, of course, like we all agree, but dividing labor in smaller chunks like this seems more dorable. It won't work at all if Hans hates Ben's guts, but in any case, more I think about it more it seems like Tide would be good choice for pressing soul pieces. If Hans throws up right now even when Tide handles his soul, it would make sense to me that it would still be better if Tide does it, if it would be even worse when someone else would do it. But I don't do soul healing so this is just my impression on how things are to Beings...  "

[Mirach]

"That might be the best way," Senecio said. "But if he doesn't tolerate even Tide's touch, then how do we even attempt such a thing? Do you think the combination of Svarik's music and Simbel's water will help with that? And, I'm sorry," Senecio said, fearing that he messed up as well. "I'll be honest because I'd like us to trust each other, too. Actually... I am choosing to trust you with this plan about Hans's soul, if he agrees to it, and I chose even before meeting you, because of Erdel. He knows you well, and he told me I could. So, uhm... I know you two have a history, but it was you calling Erdel a bastard that threw me a bit off, you know? Towards me, you were doing great, even thought you're right, it felt kind of tedious. I didn't get to see much of what you really think. By the way you know that Hans is also quite vengeful, right? You don't have to censor yourself in that way, you could perfectly well be plotting together. I'm not that much into it, but I do not mind. I'm a bit less okay with you being rude to Erdel. I know you know each other well and have a history, and Erdel vouched for you, but... it makes me wonder if this is how you are with people you are close with, and if I really want that, you know? But I would like to get to know you better still. I've... got a theory about making friends, from the perspective of someone who just finally had some success in that recently. It might be bullshit, I don't know, as I said, I'm in no way an expert. I think that being pleasant is the first step, but it's not one mould fits all. You just start with the willingness to get to know each other, then reveal yourself bit by bit, and see which bits fit together. If all of you fit together perfectly, congrats, you just found a perfect life partner. But usually there are some bits that fit and some that don't. So, being pleasant is just not purposely grating the bits that don't fit against each other, even if you know they're there, and instead interacting with those that do. I think you've already done that when you befriended Svarik, but now you're trying to only show the bits that are compatible with him to everyone you get to know, and it might work sometimes if they're similar to Svarik, but not everyone is, and then you might feel frustrated... It's good to have more friends, so that you find someone to fit with your every bit - well, unless that bit is being an asshole, in that case it might be better to not find someone fitting with that but work on it. If you won't be touching Hans's soul, then you don't need to be extra close to him, it's enough if he would trust you. And the indirect way might work as well, like it did for me and I believe I can trust you because I trust Erdel. But Hans is not that close to Erdel, so it would have to be my word, and that would sound much better if it's direct. So, should we see if some of our bits fit together? Damn, that sounded wrong. I need to come up with a better terminology..."

[VisAnastasis]

Various feelings were flashing through Ben's mind, all of them mixed with pain, confusion and dismay, as if someone had stabbed him when he did not expect it. At first, his gaze was taken aback, before it slowly morphed into understanding, and that understanding morphed into a wounded, resigned ache.

" Hah... Damn it... I... hoped we could cooperate well as long as all we exchanged was words. As expected, mashing our bits together hurts like a bitch...  " he laughed, and his laugh was hoarse and irregular, as if he were spitefully fighting to not shed a single tear. " I... think there has been.... a misunderstanding," he spoke hoarsely and distantly when he finished " I am not doing any convoluted shit Beings do, of expecting any such thing like friendship just because we are spending time together. In fact, I don't think it's a good thing to have a lot of friends. The more you have, the more people there are who can stab you in the back. Ideally, I would want to have none, but Svarik and Simbel had been through too much hardship to keep me alive, so it can not be helped. I am not being friends with them because I believe their love for me is unconditional. I believe they would kick me to the curb easily if I do something they disapprove of enough. My wish for their happiness is unconnected to what they do to me, and my wish for your happiness is unconnected to how you treat me, too. I truly want you and your family to be happy, " he paused, his distant pleasant smile filled with opposing pained emotion, as he added slowly. " I will never hold your Spirit friend's health hostage behind your behaviour. I believe playing with people's feelings and putting them through trials to prove themselves worthy is truly a shitty thing to go through, so I would not do it. I refuse to be like idle, cruel Beings who can easily do something to change everything in someone's life for the better, yet they put people on trial to judge if they are good enough, pleasant enough, prim and proper enough to deserve help. I refuse to engage in any such petty charade, " just a little, his expression weavered, as he enveloped his hands more closely around the little shell in his hold, as if for comfort, as he whispered. " I truly... Want to believe that sin you are committing is sin of ignorance, not arrogance. That you are only blinded by your love for this bastard, so you can't think clearly... I want to believe that you do not realise what you are asking when you ask me not to call names, a monster that killed two of my family members in cold blood. I tryly want to believe you that you have no idea what you are asking of me, " his voice was withdrawn and dry, and his feelings were strained as if restrained into something resembling neutrality by sheer force of stubbornness. He refused to get mad even though his mind squirmed and wanted to, and still, Erdel lowered his head with deep, profound guilt and shame at his words. " How would you feel... if someone killed Tide and Hans, just so they could kill that guy Guliermo along with them? Sure, Guliermo got quite an insanely painful death, and I feel sad I was not there to add even more agony to it - but would you honestly feel it was worth it that Hans and Tide died just because another person had to die to such a degree that anyone else dying would be an acceptable tradeoff? Your friend is a kind of person who wrote off death of people I adored most in the world as acceptable collateral damage. Yet still, he hid behind Svarik's back and refused accountability, so I gave up my revenge. He befriended every single person I was marginally close with while I was asleep, so I gave up on any arguments that could disrupt the fragile peace so we can keep existing in the same space. My power was used to grand him Beinghood, yet I did not take away anything he was given.  I am working on laws important to us both, not because he is a good person, but because of good people that deserve this law to be passed with flying colours... I find the law you have written beautiful, and I want to bring it into the world, even if it takes a convoluted path to do it in the end. I would never have asked you to eat that much shit by having to call the murderer of your family that got away scot free by pleasant names... but you know what? I genuinely, truly, do want to help your Spirit friend, Hans. I would be ready to eat shit for your friend's sake, and call this traitor whatever you want me to call him. He... he is a true monster. He is a man I deemed my friend, and who promised to change the world for the better with me, only to instead act out on his own, take everything from me and call it the greater good. " Closer he looked, the more Senecio could see that there was no hate in Ben's words - each slowly, increasingly laboured line was coming from a deep place of hurt, and that Spiriti would not have been that hurt if his opinion of Erdel was not as high as Erdel's was of him, which led to this whole strange, unusual connection both struggled to name or adress. " Calling that worm a bastard is more than he deserves, but I will do it if all you need for me to prove myself is for me to suffer. Will this amount of suffering suffice? You asked me to be honest, though, so we can trust each other. I believe there are different kinds of trust. I trust you fully that you care for your family and for your friends. But I do not trust for a moment that you are saying any of this because you actually want to be my friend, so I would appreciate you not acting like that is something that is on the table. You just want me to stop being mean to someone you care for. I can do that. But I also believe you are being very unfair to me, judging my character and reliability based on how pleasant I am to Erdel, not on my own intentions, effort and merits. I might not be pleasant company, but I believe in my sincerity. If I try hard enough with other people that care for him, like Alpha and Tide, I believe someone will have to acknowledge it. I did not accept your friend Erdel's request for help because he asked, or because he vouched for you, " he snarled, and Senecio felt those words really hurt him. " If Erdel's guarantee is the only reason why you are magnanimously trying to be pleasant to me, don't bother. I don't believe others' guarantees; I only believe my eyes, so I only accepted your offer because all I saw made it clear you genuinely care for your family and would act in their best interest. That is the only thing that is important to me - that I can trust you to not screw Mister Hans over, even if you hated my guts.  I want to make sure your friend gets the best and most suitable medical care for him. "With those words, Senecio could finally see more clearly the reason for the strange dissonance since the very start of conversation, as in his last words, confusion crept into Ben's words - for all this time, reason his words were clinical and dry was because he did not speak like someone discussing plans with potential friends... but words of a healer discussing all potential treatment plans and pros and cons. It seemed Erdel was both right and wrong in that Ben was doing strangely well after what happened with Death. It seemed man was only seemingly doing so well because he concluded he was so hard to love that he would be less disappointed if he no longer dared to raise his hopes up. " ... I will never act all dramatic and offended, like you saying something unpleasant is worth your friend suffering for even a second longer. I believe in my skills. I believe I can perfectly well show you I can be a reliable helper, not because of anyone's garbage guarantees, but because I am skilled and willing to put in the time. I am willing to discuss and brainstorm other possible ways. I don't need any promise of empty pleasantries or friendship in exchange. I don't understand why you'd think I'd want you to be stuck with someone you find unlikeable or insufferable... I have spent the whole night combing through thousands of years of useless and lonely mountain memories for the sake of coming up with as many possibilities and coming to this brainstorming with you, prepared to find the best solution for Hans. If that is not enough sincerity to convince you to give me a shot, well... huh, it would hurt, but I can always try my luck with others. Alpha or Tide... Or Svarik.... or Simbel...  Or maybe even that bastard Death, though I'd hate it, but it would be my bad luck to be forced to do it, if all other options fail... " his lip was wobbling. " If I knock on enough doors, someone will have to care enough to help me... hah... scratch that. I have bad luck, so if I word it like that, it will only be ironic foreshadowing that will kick me in the gut, haha... I... I just chose to work with you because I liked you and I thought we were on the same page, and we all wanted your friend to get well as soon as possible. If I am persistent enough, I will statistically have to succeed even if I do not work with you... "

[Mirach]

Without a word, Senecio got up and walked away from Ben and from the emotions he felt from him, towards the sea. He took off his shoes and stepped on the wet sand, letting the sea come towards his feet and ebb away. He stayed like for a while, trting to gather his thoughts. "It could be me, you know," he said as he finally turned back towards the Spirit. "Maybe if my father lived just a year longer, or if I got into the theatre just a year later, maybe I would be a better assassin. Maybe I would kill Svarik or Lorenzo. It would still be me, just in different circumstances. It's just scary to think about. But we were talking about your healing. There has really been a misunderstanding, it seems. From everything I learnt about Beings -or maybe just about Hans and I'm generalizing - cold, clinical healing does not work well. It's not a matter if I would let you try, it's a matter of how he would respond to it. I thought the point of this is that you want to get Hans's trust so that you could help him. What did you think the point was?"

[VisAnastasis]

While Senecio was gathering his composure, the others were dealing with their own emotions. Ben just gritted his teeth and stubbornly turned to play with the shelf, so he would not have to watch Erdel, who did not say anything, but struggled to keep his pained, guilty grief suppressed as much as he could, and as if the world was too loud for him, he quietly embraced himself around his knees and hid his face there. Senecio has never seen him shaken like this, refusing to say the word to his defence. Ben, though, looked the opposite, as if being caught in vulnerability would be the worst possible outcome, like a wounded animal that can not let its guard down so it does not get eaten. He only looked up quietly when Senecio spoke up.

" I thought... we were brainstorming for the best possible solutions that can help Hans... not measuring how proportionally less trustworthy I am to be presented to Hans based on how frequently I spew curse words, not even at random people, but at person who betrayed me... " he replied, and he slowly stood up, and he started walking toward the actor slowly, with a little fragile smile. "... Won't you at least agree it was a little bit of a dick move, to tell me that you don't know if you would want for yourself to be friends with me if how I treat Erdel is how I treat people I am close to? You had a sample size of exactly one, and the worst sample at that... Would you not feel hurt, too, if I told you I am not sure if I would want to be your friend, if how you treated Lorenzo is how you treat your close friends? It's even worse. You are one who betrayed Lorenzo, yet Erdel is the one who betrayed me, yet I am the one judged for how I treat him? " he stopped couple meters from the shore, so he could watch actor's face, but be on safe distance. " ...I am well aware your boyfriend who suffered horrible losses in the war still has pure enough heart to kiss Death's hands and love him sincerely... Not everyone can be, like, a saint.... But at least he had thousands of years of head start to get to that point where he can acknowledge Death's circumstances were shitty, too, and forgive him. I was barely able to bury two of my family members in Simbel's pond, along with the third, days before Long Night, after they had been buried in an unmarked grave. I nearly died at Long Night myself, and then I had to deal with all the garbage of trying to figure out how much of me was still me while actively dying, and then I was sleeping until just two days ago. Don't... you think it's a little too short a deadline to expect me to become a saint like your boyfriend? Even law exam deadlines were less brutal... " he was trying to lighten the mood, although he knew it was futile, trying to put in the effort, despite he knew Senecio could feel the resigned ache he tried to suppress for his sake. " ...The world is a messy place. Many people misunderstand what Svarik is to me. Yes, he is a person who endured a lot to save me, in the end. But he is also a person whose mercy destroyed my last family member first. From the very first night I met him, when I was sent to assess if he could be convinced to grant us justice, my ankle was broken, and he forced himself to heal me, despite it cutting his own hands. I could see on his face that he had innocent, softest guilt while hoping, if he were to indebt me enough and be nice to me, we all won't have to fight, despite guilt fo toootally sucessfully deceiving me was eating him. That softest, stupid, childlike hope, that refused to think of any complexity of situations and think of tradeoffs, and held a sincere prayer for everyone to bury their differences and live... I realised right there and then from our first meeting that it was truly shitty, that he was so lovable and heartfelt that I could not help but be fond of him, " Spirit said, with a soft, wistful smile. " Everyone in the world is nuanced; there are just some nuances we can bear to forgive and some not. I am certain Guliermo and Tarmagil had to have been kind to at least someone in their lives, at least a passing stray cat - but just because they are nuanced, does not mean I have to not hate them. Svarik's nuance is his unintended cruelty - you can not be nice to everyone. His overzelous mercy is poison to people who long for justice. He poisoned me - yet he did it so innocently, in pure hope of a better world, that I swallowed that poison, even if it made me want to die, but I could never hate him, and not for a moment wish him anything but happiness and health. I betrayed my last family member, Demian, too, no matter how much I loved him, because it was the only way to save Svarik, and I did it, even though Svarik back then was only someone who I thought too highly of to deserve to be collateral damage. At that time, I was nothing to Svarik yet, and I did it not expecting any good from him. I am not judging Erdel as a bastard from a high vantage point of being a saint. I am perfectly aware I am a horrible person, too, that bit the hand that fed him, just like Erdel bit many hands to do what he did. But pretending like I am not hurt by his actions is not an act of kindness - it would be disrespect to Erdel himself. There's too big a nuance at stake, you see - nuance that we were friends. That he knew in advance my family would die. Even if he did not plan to stop the plan, he could have told me. We could have tried to come up with something *together*... But he did not. Introducing me as a variable would make things harder to predict. He did not trust me to be on his side, so he told me nothing. Even if things were already in motion, he could have still told me in the last moment, when there would have been no time for me to save anyone. But the bastard knew I would have rather joined the fight and died together with my family, and he selfishly did not want me to die. So he kept silent, and I remained at the lunch table back home, waiting innocently, blissfully unaware, laughing with Demian, waiting to have lunch with people that will never come... That is why all other vampires merely did injustice to me - but Erdel is the one who betrayed me. He deemed it too high risk to try to do something together, nor give me death he knew I would have chosen, " he whispered hoarsely, and with litle sad grin, though, he suddenly added, in sad but softer tone, gentle like a pained caress - following few words actor felt were meant more for withdrawn Erdel than him. " I am not foolish, you know... I knew from the moment Svarik sheepishly smiled at me for the first time, that I won't get justice. That is why I did not want to live... I did not want to live in a world where everyone I cared for kept backstabbing me, just when I thought the last backstab was done. I thought I lost everything already, but yet - after losing Demian and Crow Vindonen, I realised there is still more I have left to lose. Vampires did not get death their deserved... but it also meant I did not lose my former friend. I do not necessarily hate the nuance of Svarik's overly merciful world... It brought me endless pain... but it also somehow turned into an unexpected, stupid shield that threw itself on the blade to protect Svarik's life while I was not around. Svarik's choice made all of us suffer, not in the least himself... but it still gave me this moment. Without Svarik's excessive mercy and stubborn refusal to let others die, this would have been just a simple, empty beach. There would have been no Erdel nor Ben, nor Senecio Moonthorn. So, even though it hurt me, too, I am grateful to Svarik, for making this a beach where three people for whom it's important are writing a law that can change the world, instead of an empty beach." those words were clearly both for Erdel and him, and now, they became more words for the actor, as he continued, clearing his throat to stop his voice from shaking under weight of heavy emotions as he added.  " It is messy, and unpleasant and so damn hard, and every other damn word cuts like a shattered glass... but not sadder than an utterly quiet beach with no picnic blanket, papers or three of us would be. All... All I am saying, there is so much nuance to all in the sadness we are entangled in, and I would appreciate it if you did not think you are an imposter for whom I happen to want happiness only because you happened to have been lucky enough to have trained a year less and not been skilled enough to kill Svarik. You did not want any of this shit thrown at you from birth, either. I would feel the same wretched compassion for you as toward this bastard who killed my family, if you killed Svarik whom I love. If you had been spared, I would have just been forced to show you that compassion while calling you a bastard, too, with the same resigned bleeding heart as I show to him. You did not want to be brainwashed and act like a child soldier, either. That's what would make it all so horrible. We would all live in much more wretched reality, yes - but it would still be reality where I could not truly hate you, even if you had broken my heart like that. How could I hate you, who had been jumping from hell to hell your whole life, with the same zeal I hate Guliermo, who had been putting people through hells his whole life? There are nuances one can and ones he can not overlook, and your hells are too sad for me to hate the version of you that was more skilled a killer, we would all just be more miserable with it, so there's no reason for you to feel so gloomy over a version of yourself that never existed. There are only reasons to celebrate, isn't it? That we had some stroke of luck in this wretched world, that we are living in the world in which you failed in assassinations, so even if we did not avoid any other shitty things beforehand, at least we avoided one more unspeakable loss? " he smiled frailly. " Whatever we choose to speak of next... I would appreciate it if you tried to think of me with the nuance I am thinking of you with. I admit my feelings might have hurt you back, but don't you see... why I could not help find myself hurt, when being called out on exactly the single thing I am struggling with the most? I know it was meant to reassure me, and I am sorry that I snapped at you for it, but... would you not feel shitty, too, if I told you to your face that I did not choose to trust you on something tied to acting because you are good at it or because you proved yourself to me, but because someone else advocated for you? That I chose to do the acting thing with you before I even met you, because of someone else's guarantee, even if the way you act is unpleasant to me. Would it not feel shitty if you were being treated not as your own person and judged by your effort and sincerity, but by your affiliation? I had had enough of that. It did not matter that I studied hard enough to have calloused hands; nobody acted like I was qualified to be a councillor by my own efforts - I was just a kid nobility pushed for the council seat, that is all. It does not matter how much I make Riversong's power my own - all Beings say they believe me, but they keep forgetting themselves all the time and just treat me like Riversong play pretending he's a human. It did not matter how sincerely I prepared for this brainstorming today... My words and actions toward the party that hurt me were judged, not my effort to help the party completely unrelated to my pain. It's not your fault. I got defensive too soon. Even if it hurts, that's just another one of my problems, not yours,  " he mured, looking down at the now fully cooled down healed shell tensely, so he would not have to watch the actor's face as he but asked. " I would never submit you to the mortifying ordeal of being a friend to such an unlikeable person as me... I would just... appreciate it if you could talk to me as if you never, ever received Erdel's guarantee. Would that be alright? I do not want to go through what I went through with Death ever again. It's much more comfortable to be openly disliked than to be paranoid about what measure the person before me only tolerates me because someone else asked for it. If Erdel did not seek me out, I would have sought out you or Alpha to come up with the best way to help Mister Hans. It just... sucked that I was briefly existing in the world where we were getting along decently enough for the first meeting because we were working hard on something important to all of us... and to find out that was not the case. We were merely living in the world where you disliked both my distant tone and words toward your friend, but was ignoring your own discomfort because you were definitely, without a shred of doubt, pleaded to be patient with me by this oh-so-subtle, totally-not-seen-through rascal, " for the first time, he called Erdel something other than bastard, though it was clear it was incredibly difficult to him to call him by anything from their happier past, as the sad smile on his face was dripping, again, with not an inch of hate, but only with the same painted, deeply wounded love as before. "... I am aware he meant well, but be honest - he asked you to be nice to me, didn't he? I would prefer it if you don't listen to him. It's unpleasant enough feeling when people walk on eggshells around me because they don't want to offend me, because they believe doing so might lose them access to Riversong's powers. I will only help whom I want to help, and it will never be a magical test to determine if someone is saintly enough to deserve help, nor tied to how nice people are to me. It will never be a shallow gut reaction and will always be my choice based on the nuance of the situation... "

[Mirach]

Senecio remained standing in the sand, letting the waves come and go. "I am sorry," he said, and his tone was both apologetic and compassionate. "I really had the wrong impression here. I did expect a healer who can help a disabled Spirit. I learnt a lot about Beings in a short time, so my knowledge is still patchy, but one thing I understand is how deeply their body and emotions are tied to their soul. I still don't see how you would be able to help him without getting close to him. It's not a test or something. It's a neccessity for helping him beause he is not a human, he is a Spirit. You do just let any healer do a difficult and painful procedure to a loved one, you need to make sure that it's someone who has the neccessary skill and will treat them well. Erdel is also a Being, and everyone I talked with considers him a very young one, still developing his powers. They all spoke about how important his emotions are during this time, and I fear how you treat him could have some consequences. That doesn't seem to fit with your words that it's not some test to determine one's worth in your eyes. It does seem like a test that Erdel failed. And I understand that. I'm really sorry for what happened to you. From a personal point of view, I understand now why you despise Erdel and I don't want to hold it against you. But you do not want to be personal, you said it yourself. You approached me as a healer, so I am judging you as a healer. It does not seem fair to you, though. It's not right, because you are a Being now, too. Your soul and health is as entangled with your emotions as it is for Hans or Erdel. It feels like you would like to keep them separate, but you can't. I see a healer who wants to keep a clinical detachment from the patient, and in humans it would be fine, but for a Beinhg trying to heal Beings, it's not. I see a healer who wants to mend someone's soul while his own is in pieces, and you must forgive me if I do not trust such a healer. Maybe just trying to do something about it and not giving up is the effort I spoke about, and I'm sorry again for being so harsh with you, because that is indeed a very hard thing. It might even seem impossible, but I have to ask, how do you want to help others if you don't do that? Your touch will hurt them..."

[VisAnastasis]

As he talked, Senecio could feel he was finally getting somewhere and that it was indeed a much better way to reach the Spirit and make him change his mind, both with his compassionate words and gentler tone. Although he was still tense, the actor could feel that he was not getting more defensive and hurt, but rather becoming contemplative and reflective, as the heightened, swirling emotions began to calm down after the actor acknowledged his pain. Despite occasional spikes in tenseness, he clearly was taking his opinions with more regard when he felt he was being seen for himself.
" I... Had a lot of trouble with my health most of my life. I had to... endure a lot of invasive painful examinations, not even in hopes for a cure, but just barely trying to find more suitable therapy. There were also medical procedures I hated, but had no choice but to go through if I wanted a more normal life. It is fucked up enough to go through it even as a human. I would not want to force a Spirit through something they do not have to go through." very carefully and cautiously, unlikely before when he only spoke of healing clinically, this time Ben offered a more personal piece of his heart and experience, and he was tense, knowing he was giving actor more leeway to hurt him, but giving him more personal opinion, anyway, putting in an effort to share his real feelings. " I guess... that is also one more reason why you must feel like you perceive... unpleasant urgency from me. On one hand, I do believe you would also feel more urgency yourself, if you understood how anxious and painful it is to be a shell with no gold keeping it together, that shakes with each high vibration. I have felt like that, and it's absolutely firghtening experience to feel like you are a broken vase that can shatter if you put too much water in it. But on the other hand... I know my urgency might appear more clinical and cold, so it might have driven you further away. It is not like I am treating this as annoying to do list I want to get over with right away. This is just... a golden hour for treating him. This is a very rare, fleeting chance where he is stable enough that we can get away with less invasive things because he is in such good happy mental space. If we waited too long and something bad happens to fuck it up, I am afraid we'd be forced to convince him to endure much more invasive and unpleasant things just to keep him from shattering. I can understand I might have sounded too pressuring... But I genuinely want this to be as little invasive to him as possible. I know I am unlikeable, so while in more invasive ways I can edit his soul more quickly and easily for myself, the suggestion I gave was one with the least possible of my involvement, with the highest chances to give him a good experience instead. Svarik's music is soft enough not to feel frightening to ill Beings. Simbel is a very pleasant person, easy to love, so it will be easier for Hans to trust him. Besides, Simbel has one advantage none of us has - he does not have a soul. You asked how Simbel's influence can change things when Hans is throwing up when Tide tried to touch him? That's one part of Simbel's advantage. When you have the ability to touch others' souls, it's usually a tiny piece of your soul touching and holding into other's soul. No matter how gentle, it creates pressure and more vibrations. With no soul of his own, there's no pressure that can work in the same way. Simbel's waters respond more to the trust level. True, you can get a bad experience if you force yourself to try to let it reach you deeper faster than you are ready, but it reaches deeper more you trust it and safer you feel, the more it stabilises your music and cleanses along the way. It is... more like disinfectant for the soul than healing - it can hurt a lot if you are terribly injured, but you feel... clean. It... does suck that you have to do a lot of reflecting and all that, but I believe it greatly beats other options, like having to go through manual soul editing that I can do. That - that would be an extremely clinical and invasive thing to let stranger do to you and that's why I did not even suggest it in the first place, because I did not want to put him through that if we don't have to. And that, you are right - without deep trust between people, it would be more of a torture method than healing, " he was whispering, and Senecio could feel he was more vulnerable, and that his resolve was wavering, as he spoke. " That is why I thought... Method where my role is minimal, and the role of more pleasant healers is maximised... would it not be best for everyone? Why would it be good... to have to get any closer to someone unpleasant, just to get the healing you desperately need? It's too unfair. Having a nice experience with Simbel, soft healing from Svarik, with only the tiniest sprinkle from me for things no one else can do? I...  Don't you think it is the least complicated path? He can get the treatment he needs, move on and live a normal, happy life while gradually getting stronger and better, without having to struggle with someone like me. I can just come and go out of his life at ocassions Riversong's powers are needed for someone at sea coast. No obligations, no hidden clauses or pressure... Isn't that best? " his voice was trailing off while he was watching little shell, and Senecio could feel his wavering opinion and uncertainty while he was asking for Senecio's opinion now, not asserting his own this time. Actor could feel deep insecurity and lack of confidence, bathed in a sincere and as deep wish to help. He could feel that Spirit's choice to help Hans was sincere, made without a single ounce of greed or self-interest - that if he was to just enter their life, do it, and then exit as a stranger, he would not think of it as unusual or cruel. Unlike all other Beings he met so far, who wrapped deals as subtle hints of companionships, this was the first time when Senecio felt like a Being he met categorically refused to act like a Being, and instead of being burned by hopes of being on the receiving end of anything, he built a wall around himself by strictly focusing on what he could give instead.

[Mirach]

"So what you suggest... making new pieces of soul... requiers no contact with you?" Senecio asked. "How is that possible? And... is that what you really want? You... seem like someone who has lost eveything, and only has one thing left to give your life some meaning. You want to help others, if you can. But without allowing them to even get to know you, helping one person and then moving on. But such a roundabout solution might not be available for everyone you'd like to help. I don't want to preach to you, but do you really want to limit yourself in the one thing you would like to do? That seems to me like I'd try to act blindfolded because I was scared of the audience's reaction and didn't want to see it..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I... I meant making new pieces of soul requiring less contact, not none. Me making new pieces for soul... It, it is like pulling thread from beyond deeper layers of the world, and knitting new soul pieces in perfectly needed shapes to match fractures from this thread. So, doing that knitting between my own hands, and just handing piece by piece to Tide to hold in place while Svarik heals it, like making brand new patches of fabric in the exact same material to match the torn tunic... It seemed the least invasive way. It would still require... I guess... some level of mild liking and trust so his soul would not reject new pieces until they grow more familiar, but wouldn't it be minimal? Like... like you don't have to trust a casual rich stranger too much, and it's not a big deal if you happen to travel to the same location, and he pays for a good lunch for you when you stay at an inn? If it's not something that costs them much, it's easier to feel like it's not too suspicious to trust if a stranger was offering you lunch, compared to offering you a house or something... " Ben's voice was trailing off in more uncertain choppy sentences, as he tried to gather his scattered thoughts - while before, he was defensive and untrusting, now he seemed to feel safe enough to show a less distant, more uncertain side of himself, although still sheepish, speaking hesitantly, like someone not used to others listening to him and observing him as keenly as actor has shown to be. " If... I know my acting is stiff and awkward... why should I choose to put the audience through that, just to get one or two lukewarm claps? Rather than either acting with or without blindfold, is it not more merficul to others if I do not act at all? " he smiled little shakily, but he started coming closer toward the sea where actor stood, although very slowly - Senecio could feel that safe distance was now closer one, as if Spirit felt safer with even slightest morcel of genuine concern for himself, despite denying it, overflowing with his own contradictions, fighting to contain and beat down any longing or hope in his voice. " What... do you even hope for me to do? Are you... thinking something along the lines... that maybe if I spend more time with him working on laws and stuff, he may get less nervous? Or is it more that you are uncomfortable with me refusing connections too strictly? It... may indeed feel too shitty if a rich person buys you a meal but refuses to let you buy him anything back. I thought there would be a slight level of displeasure tied to it, but, yeah, I guess it sucks somewhat, but... It is not like I can artificially create a problem to give him a false sense of closeness for solving it. I mean, it's not like I don't have any ongoing things that trouble me, but rather than thinking of any idealistic things like who is close enough friend for me to be able to ask them for help, I am more pondering who to ask for help based on who can give me maximum help but be minimally sad, " he admitted quietly, a flash of more tense, lonely feelings flashing through his mind as he explained. "... There are some theathre tied things that I want to handle, but whether I think of Svarik, Hans or you for help, I hesitate, feeling like it would be regretful if I just made you sad when you could be having a nice day untied to my dark through instead. I thought it might be best to give Mr Hans as few sad things to hear as possible, so he would not grow unstable, but I am not sure if I know how to connect with people unless it is over sad things... Sharing a meal is just sharing a meal, if there is nothing more personal tied to it... "

[Mirach]

"Would you like to join me?" Senecio asked, pointing at the sand. "I love the feeling of the sand being moved by water under my feet. I told Hans that's why I wanted to go to the beach with Erdel. Also to find some shells for Tide. Erdel, please, would you mind looking for some so I have a better alibi?" he asked, feeling that both Beings are clearly uncomfortable with each other, giving Erdel an excuse to ger away for a while. "The thing is, Hans is a very paranoid creature. He would not let any stranger buy him a lunch. Doubly so, because he's also proud. And getting new pieces of soul sounds a bit more intimate than getting lunch. He's also a Being, like you. The culture of exchanging favours is inherent to him, to such a measure that it hurts when not followed. Erdel was a human and he's already figured out that one, too. I believe it affects you too, more than you would like. Speaking of lunch and metaphorts, you got mine with acting, right? Because you're definitely not a mediocre actor. From what I heard, you're the only Being who can create new souls at will. You're supposed to be this uniquely powerful entity who can do wonders that nobody else can even dream of. But you're so out of tune with your spirit nature that even I can tell. Do you think Hans is not going to take one look at you and insist that you do at least some basic work on that before you touch him? How about making a deal with him? You let him help with the law and with some guidance about being a Spirit, so that in exchange, he lets you create new pieces of soul for him. But it's putting yourself on a very tight timeschedule, too, since you think it's best for Hans... Do you think you could manage that? And sad things might be good to keep as a backup in case he's in danger of another happy flare up. But you also can and should tell me if you need anything with the theatre, sad or not. The theatre is mine, with all that it entails."

[VisAnastasis]

Erdel looked unusually shaken and unsure, and stood up heavily, like he was stumbling through water himself, but he obeyed, standing up and getting past them without daring to look back, walking into the water quietly without diving in, his distraught feelings drifting further away. Ben watched after him tensely and quietly, not without a stubborn lingering streak of worry and regret that he unsuccessfully tried to suppress. Once the demon was gone from their sight, he sighed shakily, looking a little out of depth himself.
" I... am not a Spirit. I am just a human who happened to have inherited the role and powers of a depressed and suicidal Personification. There was nothing uniquely powerful and majestic about that person. On the contrary, he was a much greater actor than I, being a depressed bastard who would hop around and act out a role of a mysterious, elusive helper, desperately running from what he actually was... a pushover who everyone took advantage of. " Ben slouched his shoulders heavily while coming closer. He did not take off his boots, as for Beings clothes were more like double skin, and he looked thoughtful, as he stepped into moving water unsteadily, like someone doing such a thing for the first time, careful so waves wouldn't make him stumble. " ... I have thousands of years of memories of walking through the shallows of Singing River... That was most of Riversong's monotonous life. Most of his life, the river was part of his big experiment of studying to become a soul healer so he could help Death. He would step into the waters without even thinking about it, so he could call river animals over to him. That's why I have no memories of joy tied to it. It was just a fleeting, meaningless thing to him... " he shared quietly, while watching in deep thought the waves pooling around his feet, finding it easier to talk about it like this. "The more I think of these things, the more I feel like I disassociate... like who I am would disappear if I let the lingering horror of stepping into water every day with monotous repetition just to research souls would swallow me whole. If it overtakes me, I feel like I could no longer talk, like he would spend years without talking, and I could no longer curse, because he never uttered an impolite word in his life. I would fucking hate that, " he grinned a little, as he looked up at the actor, his gaze sad, but determined. " Everything is confusing, and a lot of things suck... but I feel the most like me when I am doing the things I know I want to do. Riversong did not want to do anything, listless and wallowing in despair, so when I want this deeply, I know it is something fully mine, and it feels real. When I do it, I can breathe, and make more of his being Mine. I know it might seem like I am not trying, but... it is really hard. I am a shell that has just been mended with gold, but gold is unsteady. Anything too strong could move the pieces apart. Personifications need to live by their attribute so they would not get ill and weak, and the attribute of life is to Want to do Something. I am not that great at it... it is hard to find things like joy... But if I tread carefully, I can find Wants, even though what I found is painfully inadequate to build things like happiness on. Because it's so hard... I am doing things day to day, little Want by little Want. Like - I really want to pass this law. I really want to figure out how to help Hans. I really... want to tell you the sad things I am mulling over, because it sucks being the only one in the know and trying to find a solution all on your own, like Riversong was with Death's illness. It fucking sucks, and I really want to not live like that, " Senecio could feel the shaky but sincere, determined desire in Ben's voice that sounded much more vibrant and true to himself than the monotonous medical voice he used before, and, despite being regretful to share sad things, he confided carefully. " There are a lot of things only I can see that are useful and great in a way, but... that are also depressing. For example... illnesses... are very complicated. I can not see most of them by glance, but there is a category that I can - illnesses brought on by small living things, whether parasites or microscopic life. And since microscopic life also has small markers of inheritance as humans do, I can feel which person's illnesses came from other person next to it, if it's transmittable illness. It's just a thing I can be in the know when I look at two people. Physical illnesses that are transmitted from person to person through bodily fluids... They are like that. And I have seen those in theathre, and... yeah... it... fucking sucks to see the age range of some things be ten years and up, " there was a shaky, powerful rage within composed way he spoke of it, the fist not holding shelf clenched tightly - it was clear Erdel had good reasons to be fearful how stressful seeing people in theathre will be to Ben, and it was only the law that Falcon throw in Ben's lap with promise of protecting the weak that seemed to serve as big enogh distraction from his rage. " ... It is a gut reaction to want to get in a fistfight and throw hands, but... when the matter of consent is dubious at best with older people, too, it's hard to figure out technicalities, and if anyone involved wanted any of that shit. Lot of illnesses are more subtle and require a longer period to be noticed, so it's possible lot don't even know they have them. So, if I were to go on a righteous quest to find who's worthy of getting cured without having any context, it would just be walking in circles and open a lot of wounds unnecessarily... but I did not want to make you and Hans sad, by having to open that can of worms. It seems too messy, " he admitted hesitantly, his intent not to remind Senecio of any horrible memories being clear in his mindful regret for having to tell him. " It would suck to heal someone like Guliermo... it would fucking suck. That's why I was still mulling it over. I thought it might just be safer just doing a clean go through every single person, regardless of who they are, and just later make sure whoever the perpetrators are to just kick them to the curb maximally. That's my current working plan, but I did not get any further than that yet, because Falcon gave me the law to study over as soon as I got back to the mansion last night... "