Senecio and Tide

[Mirach]

"You are concerned about that?" Senecio asked, the surprise making him loosen his defensive posture a little. "I will just tell them I have someone else... They can't fire me if I am their boss now..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Yeah, precisely. That's why I am making you a boss, obviously. So they depend on you, instead of you depending on them. " Hans rolled his eyes a little, looking puzzled, as if it was something that was very transparent from his side. " Old habits are hard to brake. Sometimes, pull is strong enough to hinder your life, even if you tell yourself you know you don't really want it. You can brake of from it the hard way, or easier way.... I figured, easier way would be to.. To empower you. Situation changes and you can distance yourself from it easier, when you no longer depend on anything from people that used to hurt you. Tide will, I see now, make sure you don't depend on them for pleasure any longer, already... But existential dependency is as harmful. " Hans murmured quietly, avoiding his look still. "You clearly... Love acting. You want to keep doing it. You don't want to be forgotten. Your career would suffer, if you suddenly started refusing to sell yourself to them. They would be condescending to you and refuse you roles. It is cruel prize to pay, just for trying to start of meaningful relationship with someone. You'd be in position of humiliation and powerlessness, where people that hurt you would ridicule and dismiss you, insulting you, putting pressure on you to crawl back to them, desiring to *put you on your place*. "Hans paused, before he smiled, somehow hesitantly, but for himself. " Best way to spite them, is to take all that control away from them. They get off on control... Best way to make it easier for you in to take away all the power they had over you. When you no longer have to depend on them for anything, pleasure or roles, when you can just organize any play you like whenever you feel like, give yourself any role you feel like, do it your way - then, no matter what they say to threaten you into submission, they words will be empty threats, for they would have no way of taking away security of your position. "

[Mirach]

Senecio looked a bit confused still. "Just so we are clear..." he said, "...you are not going to demand that I... correct my perverted ways, if I want to date Tide?"

[VisAnastasis]

" You already *are* dating Tide, you know. " Hans raised his eyebrows a little, with some mix of bemusement and bewilderment. " You both like each other.... It's not like my say on the matter would change that fact, wouldn't it? I kne already, all this, yesterday. I dare to say, I know more than Tide.  "

[Mirach]

"Must be after you talked about it with me..." Senecio muttered. "You would have used it as an insult otherwise. Or at least understand why I want to talk about it to Tide first..."

[VisAnastasis]

" No, I knew it al beforehand. I had two days to prepare for meeting you, and I used them wisely.  " Hans corrected him, simply, without anything dramatic to it. " You don't have to believe me, but it was simply just a line I did not want to cross. It would have no point or purpose."

[Mirach]

"So you insisted that I cross it instead?" Senecio frowned, not understanding Hans' demanding to know in the new light that the fact of him knewing put on their yesterday's conversation.

[VisAnastasis]

" Because I didn't know that is what you meant, you stupid gingerbread!" Hans's composure broke of a little, as he turned to Senecio for the first time, and actor could see some supressed, but concentated anger in Spirit 's eyes. " It was no big deal to me. What was big deal, though, is how you made me all worked up for whole night, for nothing. I was worried sick, wondering, what the hell did you mean. You made it sound all like some intricate murder mystery or mysterious blackmail or something... You literally, literally stressed me out for nothing. You made me sent out my men at night, to sniff out for trouble than was not there. You made me make timetables for people to keep eyes out on you in all times in case of something turning up, for nothing.  " Hans gritted his teth." For nothing....  "

[Mirach]

"You knew it and it was no big deal?" Senecio asked wonderingly. "You must be first... No, second, after Tide... And how could I know you are going to alarm everybody instead of working on the script? You could just wait until I have talked with Tide, as I told you... It wasn't as if I would tell you I can't speak about it at all... I just thought that he deserves to know first, and to hear it from me, not from you..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I was working on script, but that doesn't mean I was not working out this as well. I was multitasking. I can work on many things in same time. " Hans brushed off quietly, looking away. " You have your own thing? - fine. I was not disgusted of it. What I ended up disgusted with, is how you treated my offers to help make this transition easier for you, though. Like I was offering you some kind of.. garbage. I will not forget that, anytime soon. " he winced, looking away and up, somewhere aside, himself this time, somehow defensively, as if he spoke of something that in turn, burned him heavily. " *Complicated* can mean way too many things. You can't take necessary precautions, when all you know something is *complicated*. Literally everything, call be called complicated. If you slipped, all you had to say was that it was just hard to brake of from those people after so many years of being with them, even if you knew it wasn't good for you - and it would be plenty, to be understandable, and it would be truth, as well. You didn't have to make it sound like I was such an annoyance to you, for looking out for you. You didn't have to leave me in the dark, like that. Safety is extremely important thing in my line of work. Do you even understand, how it looked? You literally told me in list, of all your abusers, but suddenly wouldn't say a work? "he gritted his teeth. " It looked sinister as hell. That's not what you say, when you're like a timid girl, shy to share your tastes in bed.... You do it, when there's, like, a serious problem involved. Something that sends chill down your spine... Not something... this silly. "

[Mirach]

"Well how was I supposed to know you find it silly, especially after the insults? Most people would think it *is* a serious problem, and would straight away put me on that list of yours, and underline me..." Senecio muttered darkly.

[VisAnastasis]

Hans took a deep breath. It seemed he was fighting to say words, that he knew were right thing to say - but that, in his pride, burned him heavily in doing so.
" Who I put on my lists is my choice, luckily, then, not yours... If tastes would sentence people, you would have sentences half the world... But I will give you one thing. About insults... You are right. It's hard to expect something good, after being insulted, so. " Spirit admitted over will, looking at a side still. " Rumors... Were too... conflicting.  I needed... To understand better, not what people think, but how you feel about it all. To know exactly how much should I involve myself, in all this, precisely because line of abuse or no abuse in this case is so thin. But, you got me... I will admit... " he shrugged, mumbling out words heavily. " I took way... Way too much pleasure, insulting you. After what you did, and then after you made Tide cry on top of it - yes. I found great satisfaction, to even it out, at least a little. It felt more good than it should had - but I am just a person, as well. I can't help what I like. " he murmured, adding darkly. " And when someone hurts people I care about, I am angry and like to take eye for the eye, that's all. I tried not to pass the line to point of no return - to insult you for what you like, only for general things... but you are, right, I did enjoy it too much, for it to be polite. I... acknowledge that.  "

[Mirach]

"I don't mind that..." Senecio murmured. "You had the right to do it and I deserved it. But you just can't expect me to be open to you after that..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I didn't expect details, only names. And I told you.. Rumors were too conflicting. " Spirit shrugged. He made longer pauses between sentences now, though, as if trying to lower the tension by giving them more time to settle down. " What you felt as child is its own topic - but I needed to see how you feel now, as adult. You underestimate, how many people are just... Not phased, by some things. Some people are just really into casual making of love, and it matters not much, with whom. I am coming from me, as well. I like intimacy for sake of intimacy. More the merrier. For me, if I knew not grim truth of theater - I'd be like, people free of inhibitions? That's cool, where do I sign up? " he shook his head quietly. " But I digress. I just needed to see better - if you really liked it so much. I needed to feel that line between pleasure and abuse better. When people don't know your reasons, they fill them with their own, you said... I am no different. You are not different, either. I concluded, there were three most likely scenarios - either, least likely, you keep doing it for pleasure of it, and there's nothing sinister and you can stop anytime without shame... or you do it for pleasure, and you find humiliation of it acceptance sacrifice, and keep returning because you are too addicted to it... or you really liked acting so much, that you sow humiliation as acceptable sacrifice to keep acting. And there's a big, big differences in all three. To know how to put myself in this situation, I needed simple and direct insight into how you feel about it - and I got it. "

[Mirach]

"Yeah..." Senecio murmured. "Second, combined with a bit of third. Anything else you want to know?"

[VisAnastasis]

" No... But I guess you do deserve to know yourself, how I plan to put myself according to that... You do deserve as much. " Hans sighed. He was quiet for a moment, before he added. " I... Will make no deals with you. I am not making deals, with people who act as if my help is unwanted garbage. But I will look out for you, still. " he said, simply. " I tried to figure out - how can I see the line clearly, in your case? But there's the thing... You noticed it with Tide, didn't you? When physical pain brings you to pleasure, but no emotional pain follows it - it's different. It is good for you, not bad... you strange, silly creature. When something seems weird, but it doing you good, I think you should pursue it, as long as you are hurting no one. " he shook his head, simply and quietly. " You may have experienced physical pleasure at their hands, but at cost of lot of emotional one. Shame, insecurities, anger - there's plenty that show your mistreatment. Your reaction made it clear enough, and your silence was very eloquent... It's fine if it's unwanted. I won't burden you with my unwanted attention... But I will look out for you, and make sure to keep your work place safe, that you can act with joy and free of abuse, and that there's always someone around, to protect you and make sure nobody takes advantage of you. I will do what I can, to make this change easier, and to... remove those toxic people around you, one way or another. I won't make any deal with you for such a thing. "

[Mirach]

"I'm sorry if I made you feel like the deal was unwanted," Senecio said. "You put a condition on it that I though I could not fulfill until I have a talk with Tide. I hoped I could make it after that, but if you withdraw it, I'll be thankful for what you offer without a deal. It will be awkward enough when I start working in the theatre again..."

[VisAnastasis]

Hans did not reply for a little longer. He was thinking about actor's reply, and he was playing with the pen in his hands, seeming occupied by it somehow stubbornly - but it seemed to actor as if it was some kind of strange habit, a tic, some way of coping with uncomfortable vulnerable feelings.
" Alright... I will bite... " Spirit at last sighed, and slowly, very slowly, after a moment, he asked quietly, this time, packing up request much more thoughtfully, than yesterday. " Could you, perhaps tell me.... why do you think it would be awkward? I would wish to know..."

[Mirach]

"Can you imagine it *not* being awkward?" Senecio asked wryly. "When I come there and just start telling them what to do? It's not only those people I physically had something with. Pretty much everybody knows, as you found out... There also this one thing..." he blushed a little. "I will have to have authority over them, and that's pretty much an opposite situation to what both them and myself are used to. I'm not sure if I can do that..."

[VisAnastasis]

" If it's for consolation... It can be easier to get used to, than you know it. It's opposite, but that's why it's a good thing. After everything - why wouldn't it be good for you, to be one empowered, for a change? That is why I am putting this in your hands, not anyone else's. " Hans said quietly, but simply, as he spoke of everything - the tone he seemed to use for what he deemed facts. " I did not plan to just throw you out in cold water, hoping you'd learn to swim. In pair, it's easier, to deal with those things... " he admitted, very slowly, very carefully dancing around words. " I planned... To tag along with you. It wouldn't be big deal, since I am owner of theater, and it's expected of me, as new owner, to take interest in what's done. I would make sure to follow you in step, and reaffirm your authority whenever it's questioned - fire people, on grounds of disrespect, if they dare say something insolent about you, their new employer, of course, if it's so necessary, and if you don't like them... " he shrugged innocently, lawyer speaking out of him for a moment, before someone else, more warm and mysterious, quiet and thoughtful, spoke out, using his lips. " And... Make sure that when you meet those people, and they tried to force you back humiliating situation... You have someone by your side who can tell them to go to hell, and find another job, if they're so bitchy about this one. Someone that can tell you - to hell with them... You are great, you can do this way better without them. That was my original intent. I am writer, for your play, after all. It would not be that strange, that I stick close by to you. That's what I thought... "

[Mirach]

"And what do you think now?" Senecio asked quietly.

[VisAnastasis]

" I still plan on doing it. I know it's right thing to do, to help you. Yet... " creature paused, as if thinking between being quiet, or being true of his feelings... He felt first would be improper, though, so he did continue the sentence. " Yet, I am... Cautious. You have embarrassed me yesterday, in the restaurant, before my friends. You have discarded my offer of friendship, like it was a dirty used handkerchief. You stressed me out for nothing, for whole night... I don't exactly feel... trustful to you, you know? That's why I wish to do it, as right thing... But I can't afford to attach myself emotionally, to something I can not relax with. That's why I think it's obvious why this is not something I feel... particularly thrilled or safe with. They are more things that fill me with dread. I do not like, that particular feeling, to put it mildly. "

[Mirach]

"I'm sorry, but when exactly did you offer me friendship?" Senecio asked, having a quite different view of the evening. "You insulted me and then offered me a deal, which was for Tide's sake, as I saw it, because why else  would you offer me something after you made clear what you thought of me? And I did not discard it. I was willing to fulfill my part of the deal, but you put another condition on it. I was trying to be as polite as I could when telling you that I can't fulfill it right now, but will do it after a talk with Tide. Also, I am not aware of any friends I would embarass you before, since you said that nobody can hear what we are talking about at the table. That's how I saw it. It almost seems like we were in different restaurants..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Nobody could hear us, but they could ?*see* us, and you, more precisely. I... Don't bring humans there. You was the first I brought to treat you there. They couldn't hear, but they could see... You ate as if I put some kind of bitter poison in your food. You left the place as if I was downright about to stab you in the back as soon as we go out. I was responsible for you, bringing you there, so I looked like terrible host, making you eat something you don't like. Everyone sow it. I felt awful about it. But I know I deserve it, for insulting you... I was ready to accept such reaction, if it arises. It's not that big deal. I just won't go there for year or two, that's all, and it will be fine.. " creature murmured, as if something else, was much bigger deal to it. It was still evading Senecio's look intently. " But really.. Think about it... Non literally, okay, for a second? What exactly did I offer to you? I told you, that I think it's still possible, for you to not sacrifice your happiness as actor, to have happiness as Tide. I said I wanted you to have both. I said - I don't want you to sell your body anymore. I said - if you want something you feel you'd not get with anything but your body, tell me, and I'll help you get it, without compromising yourself in such way again. It is a deal that implies you to have freedom to come to me when you need or want something, with expectation I can help you out with it. It's deal of much more personal kind, that if I offered you some one time thing, like a song, or some magical artifact or something. It's deal that puts me in position of protector, and guardian of your interests... " Hans clenched his hand around the pen, as if dealing with having to say such things, that for Beings, were probably not needed to be told out loud. " You are right... It's like we were in different restaurants... or more like, worlds...  "

[Mirach]

"Yes," Senecio agreed. "I did not mean to offend you. I hoped we could get along because of Tide. But it seems I really don't understand your culture... even not enought to make a deal to better understand your culture..." he smirked with some wry amusement. "I can only hope that Tide will forgive me if I make a mistake in it..."