"Maybe it would be better," Senecio said quietly, looking down. "He would at least know that I really didn't lie to him. Me, he can always doubt. I would rather have you tell him too much, than having to speak with him about it myself. You can tell it to him without the shame I would feel..."
Demon grew quieter with last words. He felt the talk grew to serious, to call it simple chat along with breakfast. He quietly removed tray, and put it on table aside with one hand, before he removed the mask as well, leaving it aside on bed - and tilted his head at actor, leaning over him, watching him meaningfully, seriously, as if trying to understand something about him.
" Why would you... feel shame about it? Before Hans, or anyone in the world? " he bid him quietly. " I thought you liked it. Every time I seem to figure out something about you, it's too elusive, and escapes me, like a beautiful tune, too quickly sang, that makes you trembled, before it fades, before you have to hunt for it ane. " he whispered. " If we are to be close, I need to understand. Why is there so much shame for you, in what we did, where there is none for me? "
"I... I don't know... It always seemed to me like something you don't talk about. Whenever I would mention it, I would get strange looks... so I learned to not talk about it. I do not know anyone who would feel the same, or enjoy the same. It seems to me that I am just weird, and not normal..." Senecio said quietly.
" But it's something I want to talk about. It's okay if you talk of it with your partner, isn't it? I want to know, if you want to share it. This is a big aspect of your life, and I yearn to reach higher understanding of you. " Tide whispered quietly, tamely - but determinedly, confidently, as ocean is confident in power of its waves. He leaned closer, and he lightly touched actor's hand, in offer to hold it, but not imposing if actor didn't want it. " I will ask, but you don't have to answer... You said you didn't enjoy it the first few times, but that later, you grew to enjoy it with time... " he whispered to him, as ever, actor could realize, paying attention to those little sensitive details, that left impression on him. " Would it be okay to ask... to talk to me, about that first time? I am your boyfriend and friend, after all. I have already seen you in pleasure. I won't give you strange looks.... "
" I want to understand my boyfriend, in all his delights and insecurities, both. There is no reason upon this beautiful earth, almost as beautiful as him, but falling just behind... " Tide whispered quietly. " That I would not want to know, or look him lesser for it. Will you tell me, then, Senecio, about that first time? "
"I fear it will make you sad..." Senecio sighed. "I don't want to make you sad. But you want to know, right? You deserve to know... The Emperor visited the city one, before I was born. My father tried to do what he trained me for after that, but he failed. He never forgave himself that failure, I think..." he started quite broadly to put the things into context. "He did not get close enough, you see? He could just watch from dstance because the security was too tight. And he saw the only people who got close to the Emperor were actors. He went to the theatre one evening, and really liked the performance, so he invited the actors to his chambers to perform for him privately and have a meal with him. That was when my father decided that I'm going to be an actor, one good enough to perform for the Emperor himself, even before I was born. And he held on to the idea, for any price. When I was twelve, he brought me to the theatre for an audition. He even gave some money to the man leading the audition..." he smirked a bit wryly. "He did not take money, he *gave* it... He told me to perform well, and do anything they would ask from me, that not getting the role would be a failure, and he does not accept that. And... so I did everything they asked from me... When they asked me to strip naked, I stripped naked.When they asked me to dance, I danced. When they asked me to hold still, I held still. When they asked me to swallow, I swallowed... I got the role. "
Tide indeed gulped. There were subtle signs, that he felt strongly and intimately about what Senecio told him - a little bit of bathed, controlled breath, sweaty, but lightly clenched hands, and a little glistening sparkle of unrest, in his beautiful foamy eyes. He tried to say something, but words were lost to him for a moment, and he took a deep breath, before he dared trust his voice.
" Was it... always like that, at the time? Many men at once, taking you, exchanging, while you *perform* quietly? " he whispered hoarsely then, holding himself together bravely together still, for there seemed to be as personal, refined piece of insight, he sought to understand. " You said that first few times, it was painful, but that then you started to enjoy it and have pleasure from that terrible pain... " his voice trembled a little, but he continued. " Could you tell me, please, about... * that * first time? That is what I wish to know... About how it felt, the first time, when you felt pleasure, at their hands. "
Senecio hesitated, apparently feeling more shame about that memory than about the first one, feeling pleasue from it somehow making it much worse, as if with that, he was also taking a part of the guilt for what he knew was bad. "It was... " he said, but his voice broke. He took a gulp of the light white wine that Tide brought with the breakfast, and tried again. "It was a different role..." he whispered, but then he managed to steady his voice. "I had to play a prisoner. I had to be bound for it. I was gagged and I could not move. I didn't have to do anything. That was... freeing. They could do anything with me, but nothing of that was my fault... They used a whip. Not a heavy one, just one that made a realistic sound
and didn't hurt as badly as the real thing, so it would appear real on
stage. But it hurt still. And with that pain and helplessness, it suddenly felt good. I got hard. They laughed with that, and teased me. It encouraged them to be more rough... and the more rough they were, the better it felt, and the more they laughed..."
Tide listened quietly, with bathed breath. He managed to control himself, though it took inhumane effort, one of someone honed in control so deeply as he was, not to be engulfed in rage. And still, he allowed himself a shaky, bathed breath, and when his eyes clouded with tears, he breathed through them, but did not hide them with shame, letting them fall. He took a deep breath anew.
" A twelve year old child... A twelve year old... " he shook his head, but his voice broke for a moment anew, as well. He leaned closer, tense, as if he desired to approach him somehow, but as if some invisible force was between them, the weight of a heavy memory they now shared. " I feel... pain. But I thank you. The pain does not give me pleasure, but your trust, does, extremely so. " he said, with rasp voice. " Please... Understand me, though. I am in pain... but I am also.... angry. It is wrong, what they did to you, but not from reasons they instilled in you. It is physical response. Your relief, from being free from having to do anything, was so strong. Combined with pain - it was an intense experience. It gave you pleasure, that was so nice thing in your barren life, that you desired it again, at any cost. There is no shame in it. There is nothing to laugh about, at sanctity of pleasure, that you felt, and deserved - though not at hands of people so vile. " every work Tide said was heavy, coming hard over his weighted tongue, but it seemed he drew from same inhumane power of will, to say them, as heavy as they were, because he needed to acknowledge them. " That pleasure is yours. They forced it onto you, but it doesn't matter. They used your body, but it's still yours, and it doesn't matter. You felt good, but it is still rape. You came back for it, but it was their fault as well. They made you connect the purest, simplest of pleasures, with their abuse. They made you feel like only way to feel something so strongly, is to return to their cruelty. It is conditioning. It is still rape. " he said, with tears, but also iron in his voice, with strong certainty of trust, but he couldn't help but lightly, vulnerably, but reach for actor's hand, and gently place his palm over it. " There is nothing abnormal about you... Only thing ill, are people, that scarred you so deeply, that two decades afterwards, you are still engulfed with shame, of their acts and laughs. They forced it upon you when you were too young to understand it, and instead of what they did, you found shame in how they did it. They put their blame on you, to release themselves of it. Not a bit of blame in this is yours - not even a sprinkle. Not a thing is wrong about you. It doesn't matter to me where your pleasure comes from, as long as you experience it, like... like it doesn't matter to you, that I eat dirt and shells, as long as you know I find pleasure the food, okay? I will never judge you, for your tastes... "
Senecio took a gulp of the wine again, with some relief. "I tried to find other partners so I wouldn't have to return..." he murmured. "But if I told them, they found me weird and sick, and left me... and if I didn't tell them, I found them boring... I really don't find it comfortable speaking about it with someone else yet. Could you please talk to Hans? Tell him what you want, you at least can enjoy the talk... As long as he won't tease me bout it, it's fine..."
" I will talk to Hans. I will try not to say too much, not to embarrass you more than I can't.. help to. It's okay if you're embarrassed before others still, we just delved into delight, that is this relationship... " Tide whispered hoarsely, and he didn't trust his body to move without revealing more of his feverish thoughts, so he just pressed actor's hand lightly and meaningfully. " But I want it to be different, between but you and me. Honest, simple... Trustful. I want us not to be ashamed, before each other. That's why... I needed to ask you these questions. They lingered heavily upon me, because.... Your heart is beautiful, but it's full of bitter poison. You have been poisoned, a little bit, each day... And you need help dearly and tenderly... but not help, as in, to get someone to *cure* you from your sick and vile interests. You need someone to draw the poison out of that wound of shame that persisted from your childhood to now, a little bit each day, so it can heal... " he gulped, fighting the little tingling wave of desire, as he vulnerably and timidly reached for the actor, and but lightly, in respect not daring to do more, passed with his fingertip, slowly across his lips. " And I only hope, that someone, could be me, because... because I like you, dearly... my dearest... "
" It will be different with us... I will make it special, even if I had to draw out all the poison with my lips.... I will give you bond you desire, sweeter than cake, because you are sweeter than cake to me. " Tide whispered quietly to him, not retreating, and not using opportunity to take any advantage of him either - but instead, he leaned a little, and with bathed breath barely concealing his desire, he leaned his lips upon Senecio's knuckles, in little simbolic kiss - as if one you would give upon something beautiful and admired, too sacred to sacrilege with anything rougher.
" I am honored with your trust in this. You have given me tools to make sure to not hurt you unknowingly. I will cherish it, and if you ever need to speak of such things, I will speak with you, without judgement...." creature whispered to him, holding his hand trustfully. " However, now... I need to ask... about these ropes you mentioned..." he smiled vulnerably, pressing his hand." I can not cover your mouth, because I need you to say safe word, if needed. But you said, what - bounds? Hm... I think I can work with that." He whispered - he seemed vulnerable, as if before something he never did before, but that he was willing to explore, as long as they figure out the safe route" We will just have to find some quality ones, that will restrict you properly and hurt as you struggle, but not seer into your wrists too much. I need something quality, not cheep stuff you can get at market. I can work with blindfolds, too... I admit, I don't want to use whip, I am way too strong for things like those, even fake.... but maybe we can work around that..."
" Hans wouldn't storm in, in my private chambers, unless there was some emergency - and what could be urgent enough? " Tide whispered, holding actor 's hand vulnerably and gently. " We only had breakfast. Wouldn't you like to.. cuddle with me a while?" He asked, with voice a little hoarse with longing. " We don't have to do anything. We can save exploring for tonight, when you have more time, yes. But wouldn't it be nice, just to be closer for a while? I enjoyed cuddling with you a bit through the night, but I would rather more enjoy it when you are awake and conscious of me..."
" Actually, this once... I would like exchanging a bandage later... okay?" Creature asked little vulnerably, brushing Senecio's hand that he still held lightly with his gentle fingertip." I think I would just like to remove it, and stay without it, for a little while... If you were a Being, you would understand what I mean right away... But since you are human.... I am little embarrassed still... would you mind to close your eyes for a moment, please?" He smiled a little fraily." If you trust me, that is..."
Tide watched him for a moment thoughtfully, thinking. Then, he slowly removed the bandage from his hand, as it hurt. And then, he took a deep breath.. and air trembled as he skipped into deeper layers. Moments later, there was stronger pressure, on the bed, and it creaked lightly, as if something much stronger and bigger as on it. Demon had used a short time in which he was not bandages, to change form. In little, vulnerable gesture, actor could feel his presence growing nearer and nearer, and creature leaned against his body and lied halfly beside him, halfly on top of him, despite its weight, its pressure very light.... He felt something that could be described, as softest cottonest fur imaginable, softly pressing against him... And when he looked up at him, he sow him as a magnificent, cute chubby wolf like creature, as form as same as one Tide used before Svarik and Hans, when entertaining and looking after little Xia.
He was leaning against him, tense and anxious in anticipation of his reaction, but as if desiring to grew closer and closer, to engulf him and mark him as his own with its scent. In the dim light of the room, he was glowing, like a star.
Creature nodded shyly, seeming little reassured with warmth in his look, and with actor, despite sudden change, still regarding him equally and asking for permission just the same. It howled, and lowered its ears meekly, as if act of humbling and giving in, as it shyly leaned its beautiful fur that could only be described as some kind of magnificent glowy mane, upon actor's chest, leaning toward his hands, woofing, shyly demanding petting.