Death and Tide

[Mirach]

Death took his time to answer. He ate the cookies in silence, as nd only after the fifth one he said: "I know how it feels to have love for yourself," Death whispered. "I wouldn't want to go back to not knowing that. And I can't really feel that way on my own. It's just enough to know that it's possible to feel that way..."

---

Svarik made a gesture and expression along the way of "me too". "Could you get us some pen and paper, Conrad?" he asked towards the corner of the room.

[VisAnastasis]

Jake nodded. He sipped his milk quietly, thinking about it, but then, he coughed, and replied, slowly.
" Well... You know... I agree it's a good thing. But I don't think it's something you should be conflicted about. It is good that you know the feeling now, isn't it? Just because you wouldn't have consciously chosen beforehand, doesn't make it any less special. Sometimes, the best things happen by accident. " he said. " But you seem to me like someone that will end up stuck with a paradox for too long, if you just leave it as it is. You'll keep thinking about how you wouldn't choose it if you didn't know, but how you had to know how it felt to know you would want it. You'll just make yourself feel bad. I think the best thing to do to rid of those mixed feelings is to admit to Tide that you choose it for the sake of living, but would have chosen it for the sake of him if you knew how nice it'd be. From what you tell me, you seem really remarkably compatible, so it probably feels good to him, too, doesn't it? So, if it feels good for both of you, I don't think either of you really loses with it. You can be Semai as often and as much as you feel like after you talk through the shock that it was to... unexpectedly find something you really enjoy. "

---

Falcon nodded, and he took and brought it to him, trying not to show up in the reflection. When Cernunnos noticed the paper, he recognized what it is, and looked hopeful and curious, wondering what they will write.

[Mirach]

"It is not about Tide, though. I wouldn't choose specifically him. He is a lot more than that, but all I want is that feeling. I feel like using him..." Death murmured 

----

"How are you feeling?" Svarik wrote, still concerned after what Tide told him.

[VisAnastasis]

" Well, did you ask him how *he* feels? Maybe he doesn't have some grand goal too - maybe what he gets from it is likewise, just feeling good. " Jake suggested, trying to explain it in simple terms. " There's nothing wrong in doing things for the sake of feeling good. It's a bit like making love - you don't have to be in love to do it. Two people can just do it because it feels good. It's only important is that both of you know what you expect from it, relationship, or a good feeling. You should talk to him about it, about what you both get from it. I wished I had that talk with Ben beforehand, too... It's most important you're on the same page. "

---

Cernunnos's face grew a little sad, as it looked around. When it breathed into and wrote on the glass from a couple of times, Svarik understood why it looked so guilty.
" Paper... got bloody. nothing to write with. so sorry, but... feeling so well. Tide, thank you... for the first time... in centuries I... Am able to remember the nights. Without the shadows... my mind isn't torn to shreds... anymore. Can't walk yet... but leg doesn't hurt. it begins to.... really feel mine...  "

[Mirach]

"There wasn't much time or occasions for it," Dearth said. "And I don't know what I should tell Bell when he wakes..."

---

"Paper got bloody? All of it?" Svarik glanced at Tide for explanation while smiling at the news from Cernunnos. 

[VisAnastasis]

" You don't really need an excuse before him - he didn't wait for you, either. Besides, even if you want an excuse, you already said it - you accepted it to stay alive. He surely rather wants a world with you than without you... But in any case, you should stick out for yourself. Choose what makes you happy. You are too into bending to suit other people and feeling bad if you don't do it all the time. I can tell you one thing for certain. " Jake murmured thoughtfully while refilling Death's plate with more cookies. " That feeling of loving yourself... It's not as common as one would think. Most people are in one way or the other bitter about it... And if you became Semai to Bell, you'd gain nothing of it. The only thing that would rub off on you would be his bitterness, pain and hatred to himself. Really condescending feeling, all in all, full of insecurity and doubt and thinking he's worthless and not good enough. " he smiled faintly. " It wouldn't help you, really... I actually don't think you are that much compatible. That is, you are compatible with powers and ability to become Semai - but you are both an emotional mess, in ways that clash and only make things worse. It would feel bad for both of you. This way, with Tide, it seems both of you were just in the right state of mind for it... That's a good thing. There's nothing to explain yourself to Bell for.  "

---

"Oh, actually, clearing out so much miasma was an insane feat. Apparently, unless you can boil it to the temperature of lava, the only way to do it is to attract it and trap it into something it is attracted to. We used the most obvious and stronger thing, blood. I can bend water, so I could bend blood to pass through every little corner of the fort. " Tide explained a little embarrassedly. " I turned into a big form, and While helped me out, by cutting me and healing me while we gathered my blood. We were really late, on the border of sundown, though, so we didn't have time to warn Cernunnos, and I was very shaken from continuously being healed and being cut to lose blood. I had to rush it. That's how Cernunnos got all tousled up and turned, with the river of blood we used to collect miasma. And that's, um, how we didn't have enough time to prepare the fortress. I fear we broke half of his things, and that the papers first got drenched with blood, and then with water as I cleaned the fortress anew. So, we, um... kind of ruined all of his books. "

[Mirach]

"But it is my fault he is like that," Death sighed. "If I would be able to return his love, I don't think he would be like that. But I don't think I am actually capable to love someone in that way when I am fully myself, not a human. Even with my fairies it wasn't that type of love. They were more like children to me..."

---

"Oookay..." Svarik murmured, processing the information quickly for the sake of conversation, despite it obviously being a story for longer. "What about Emil?" he wrote. "Is the other fortress safe?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Yes, you are probably too self conscious for that in normal circumstances - but so what? You are you. He is at fault for hoping to get something else than what he could have." Jake replied, sternly and firmly." He is the one that has unreasonable expectations. Instead of working on himself, he kept waiting for you to change to suit his needs. He loved the idealized version of you, not you, just like he loves idealized version of Svarik. You really ough to stop blaming yourself for not being the you that he likes. You should instead work on being you that you like."

---

Cernunnos read the little note, and then he nodded shyly. He breathed into the mirror again.
" Emil... Visits often... Since kitchen... Smells on blood... He brings meals... We eat together... we... Safe...." He write, although the last words were a little uncertain, as he glanced at Tide.
" Oh..." Tide understood." Cernunnos actually defended us and defeated one of the demon hunters. But the hunter realized that he's hiding in the fortress, and promised to come back to kill him after he is reborn. So Cernunnos is probably a little on the edge about it. "

[Mirach]

"He idealizes Svarik as well?" Death asked. "Hope he can deal with it better than me..." he murmured.

---

"I don't think Death would allow that," Svarik said, nodding to Cernunnos reassuringly. "But was the other fortress wiped with blood too?" he asked Tide, a bit confused. "Is there no paper at all in it?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Come on, you've known him for so long, you know that he does. Everyone he loves dearly, he just sees them as those perfect, flawless people, victims of circumstances, who never did anything wrong, and are the best and always nicest, gentlest, sweetest - and then he panics or gets upset when they don't live up to that image. " Jake rolled his eyes. " Your only real mistake in the situation is leading him on. I know you're immortal, and hoped time will get you to develop feelings for him so he'd be happy eventually, but you really can't make a pot if there's no clay there, to begin with. You did feed into his obsession, yeah - but if you do want him happy, the best thing is to destroy all hope he ever may have had. That's the only way you'll get him not to just keep pining for you for centuries... I am sure you both cared for each other, but honestly, it's really unhealthy dynamic. That's one more reason why I left - I am not a fool. I am not going to pine for someone that loves someone else. He's not a type that knows when to quit, though, so he definitely won't decide to cut the line on his own, so you should do it for him. "

---

" No, the other paper was untouched, but they don't have paper, remember? Cernunnos explained to me that before you brought him paper from the sea, they only used and reused old parchment. You brought the technology to them, as they were isolated for too long to have it. And, since Cernunnos was writing a new book, you see... " Tide appeared embarrassed. " All papers and inks you brought with him, and so, all got spoilt. I think Emil mentioned that they'll try to figure out if some parchments survived the water and blood, but he didn't seem too hopeful... "

[Mirach]

"What would you do it I do it?" Death asked.

---

"We'll bring books and paper on the way back," Svarik wrote.

[VisAnastasis]

Jake tensed, looking at his cup of milk thoughtfully, loweing it. He didn't drink anymore, and after a moment, he whispered.
" It..  is in no way connected. Whatever you do is yours to decide. I don't want to expect anything, and I don't know what I should expect, anyway. Look at it... More as my sense of right and  wrong. It is not right to lead people on if you are not interested. Look at it... More as a absolution. " He said quietly." I won't run back to beg for anything - but I want him to feel free to choose a life that isn't just waiting. Whether he chooses to seek me our or not is irrelevant. He should be absolved, to choose to move on, in whatever way he finds suitable - just like you. You have chances to make friends now. Don't waste that chance, now that you are doing well, for regret over something that wasn't meant to be."

---

Demon's eyes lit up, and tears welled in his eyes anew, this time with thankfulness.
" Most important... Bring yourself... Please... It is.. what I desire most.... Bring you... I bring my... Best honey..." Creature replied in the mirror, and he sighed the simple *I love you* to them, a little shyly, that being one of the few things he learned with Xia - and tiny demon fox chuckled, sighing *I love you, uncle * back to him with affection.
" Some book on sign language would be great too." Tide suggested." We could really use communicating with him easier, especially since he is so isolated. Emil and him really warmed up to While too, they ough to have easier way to speak. ."

[Mirach]

"It took me a long time to realize that I can't give him what he wants. A very long time..." Death sighed.

----

"Are you going to let him keep the mirror?" Svarik asked.

[VisAnastasis]

" And I think it took him all untill the Long Night, to realize the same thing. He was so nice to me... Until he remembered you. I don't think he realized how much he was really hoping you would come to him and stop him from becoming Semai with someone else... Until you didn't. It all went downhill from there.." Jake murmured, quietly tracing the rim of his cup. " I think... It wounded him deeply. I think it had to take that, for him to understand you didn't want him enough to stop him. But after you met again, you rekindled the hope. I know... I can't compare to you. I am honestly in mess right now, anyway. But thinking he may spend another eternity hoping... It feels wrong. Not even he deserves it. " He sighed." My life is miserable, yes, but at least I left. I refuse to be the idealized, quiet Jake he sow me as, a victim of his lashing out, that endures it and longs quietly for him. I won't live like that. You should free him too, so he doesn't have to live like that, either..."

---

" It feels right... I would like to. But they were Hans's deal. He made it and will pay for it, out of worry for me and Senecio." He whispered." I will have to ask him first, but I am confident he will agree, after I tell him how nice he is... He needs reassurance that he is wanted, and all those things he built for growing plants and bees, and everything... They are brilliant. I hope with time he will love to share his knowledge with the world."

[Mirach]

"It's not Ben Temalion," Death said. "I'm holding his soul, and it is not there. It's all in Bell, and I don't know how long it will take for Bell to wake. Or if he will be the same as he used to be... But once he wakes, I will meet with him and do that.

----

"He actually already paid for it..." Svarik said. "I healed him as I could, but it was only enough for a third of the tail..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I only heard a little about it. About how a part of him separated and became someone else. " Jake whispered." I don't know what will be either. But if it counts for something, hey, you can always come talk with me about it, if I am alive at a time." He offered him, unexpectedly, watching him a little thoughtfully." I know you can find me anywhere I am, and if anyone knows how frustrating he can be, hey, I can. I can support you. We can talk it out and complain behind his back to cope. I don't know what will I be able to afford by the time he wakes up, but hey, even if I am on the road somewhere, I can fry us some bugs. What do you say? Will you come to hang out?"

---

Disbelief and worry flashed across Tide's face, as he took in that information. He seemed to grow miserable with it at first moment, but then he pushed the thought aside, smiling faintly.
" It... Really is a blessing, to have such sweet friend like you. " He whispered hoarsely." It is always worst at first, that's why I hoped he will wait after the play. But I guess I was wrong. Third of the tail? That's so much. No wonder you were tired, it's been ages since he was healing that quickly. It's a miracle..."

[Mirach]

"I'll certainly come to tell you when he wakes," Death said. "It may take a while, though. But no longer than it will take Ben to be reborn, I would guess. Something tells me it might take exactly the same time, after all. They have been connected for long."

---

"Just a healing spell," Svarik smiled a bit. "Anything else you would like us to bring?" he wrote then to Cernunnos.

[VisAnastasis]

" How long would that take?" Jake looked a little withdrawn with it." I wanted to leave for Southern island. And further. And further then... But Svarik convinced me to stay just a little longer - to give it a chance, see if Bell will wake up. He asked me to stay a month..."

---

Cernunnos was all shy, but his eyes brightened with hope, as he shyly requested.
" Maybe that... Rainbow candy... Cotton candy... One like flower... Emil enjoyed... So much..."  He looked hopeful." And... Maybe Death?" He inquired innocently, but not without shade of worry for not seeing him." Emil enjoyed... Him too..."

[Mirach]

"For Ben, my best guess would be ten to fifteen years. But who knows, Bell might surprise us. They were connected, but are no longer. I would give him that month..."

---

Svarik was nodding to the first, but with the second request, he shook his head. "I don't think he would want to travel so soon," he wrote. "But I'll bring a letter from him, if he agrees."

[VisAnastasis]

" Alright then... I will give him that month. " Jake calmed down a little and cleared his throat. " But, actually,  I didn't just mean that you should come and tell me that he is awake. I know you can be a bit awkward with such things and don't get subtleties often - but actually, I invited you to come by for social interaction if you feel like it," he explained, smiling faintly. " I don't... want to be all edgy and act like you are a source of all my problems. You healed my soul when Ben's resistance hurt me, and you were always well behaved. You're a pretty decent guy, all in all. It'd be nice to see you again, in general. "

---

Cernunnos seemed brightened up to hear it, but still a little worried.
" Is he... okay now...? Not dying... anymore...? " he wrote, looking at them hopefully, as, despite framing it as Emil's liking, he seemed to have grown attached to his guest as well, love coming easily to him, who was so deprived of contact and affection for so long.

[Mirach]

"Well, I will be here for that month anyway," Death said, feeling indeed a bit awkward. "So, when you leave, I don't have to wait for him to wake if I just feel like talking to you?"

---

Svarik looked at Tide to answer that question.

[VisAnastasis]

" Yes. " Jake confirmed, with a little smile. He stood up and refilled Death's glass of milk. " I know it's new to you, that's why I'm stating my intentions clearly. You can come by when you feel like, whether I am here, or who knows where. When I think about it... This horrible world... would seem a little less lonely if I could count on you to stop by and hang out every once in a while. I'll be direct, and say, I hope you'll be pleased to hear I am not hopelessly in love with you or something like that. It would just be nice to have you as a friend. "

---

Tide helped write the reply this time.
" Things are still uncertain, but ever since we became Semai, he's been doing better. He also slept through the last night and rested well, and your honey helped us get through the worst before we got more supplies. Thank you. I can't wait to visit you again, to thank you for what you've done for us. I'll take it from here. Don't worry, I'll help him get better... " he wrote, and Cernunnos seemed to relax after he read it, as worry has been plaguing him for a while. He knew the conversation took some time already, though, and that they must be wanting to end it soon, when they told him all the news. He looked around longingly, observing the sunlight, but then, he laid his palm on the mirror anew, with even more longing and wonder, looking at his friends, hoping to burnt the image of seeing them happy and safe into his memory, smiling gratefully at them, his emerald eyes full of love.

[Mirach]

"But aren't you leaving to get away from it? Why would you want me to seek you out, in that case?" Death asked.

----

"We will see you soon," Svarik wrote. "I'll let you know when we will be leaving, probably the say after tomorrow."

[VisAnastasis]

Jake was quiet for a moment, sipping his milk.
" It is... complicated," he admitted quietly. He seemed unsure if he should share at first, before finally - he told him something he didn't even tell Svarik or Erdel. " It's just... when you look at your life through the lens of the life of someone that has lived for thousands of years... You feel very... purposeless. If I stayed, what would be of me? Would I remain there, just cooking every day, until the day I die? Trying so hard, for what? So what they put in their stomach would be a little more edible? Riversong... never learnt to cook. His mind though it is absurd, to bother with something so trivial... And... he is right. The purpose I built my life around, is utterly trivial. " he whispered. " I don't want... to just live a quiet life and pine what I can't have, like a lovestruck fool. I would have lived such a life if I stayed. I don't know what I want, I just know I want... something more. Something... completely else, than what I had so far. I just can't find something so different, looking in the same place... "

---

Being nodded, as he read it, hopeful about the promise of seeing them again so soon, as he grew fond of them and was looking forward to seeing them again terribly.
" Please tell Death... thank you... He was nice... I give him... a lot of honey... " he wrote the last words, and shyly, he made a heart shape with his hands, and then send them a kiss, gazing at them affectionately, more trustful by now that they won't forget him, and will come to visit him again.

[Mirach]

"I'm not sure if I agree with Riversong there," Death said slowly. "Nothing is trivial and no purpose is less grand than other. If you are looking for it far away, you might find out that no such place exists. Every *far away* becomes *here* when you get there. If you want to travel, then by all means, do that. But do not belittle the work you have been doing with joy just because some self-entitled Spirit doesn't bother to learn it or appreciate it. I do." He took another cookie to underline his words.

---

Svarik smiled and touched the mirror again to say goodbye with a promise to meet soon.