Re: Svarik and the company II

[Mirach]

Svarik sat down in one chair. "So how have you been?" he asked. "And who is this lond you are working for?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Oh, just some pampered highborn. A upbeat, talkative fellow.  He is quite a boring lad, though - can't stop talking about all of ten generation of his highborn ancestors. " Jake grimaced a little bit. " But his kids are nice. They love sweet treats. The household is huge, and there is lot to do, and little free time, but pay is very good, so I can't complain, I guess. I am not sure how long I'll stay here, though, so it's nice you managed to find me. How are you all doing? " he glanced at vampire little worringly, as if searching for signs of discomfort or burns upon him. " Are you, um.. Okay, dear? It's kind of... Bright sunny day, outside... Do you want me to roll curtains on the window? "

[Mirach]

"There's no need for that anymore," Svarik said. "It's a long story..." He then told Jake about the demon Ben and how he created Xia and made Erdel a higher demon and new spirit Bell, currently in the form of a flower. 

[VisAnastasis]

Jake listened carefully. He was quiet for a moment after it, seeming thoughtful.
" Thank you for telling me more. " he said. " I waited, in household of one of Falcon's associate at sea, called Sage, until I got the news. Falcon just told us that Riversong was alright, and not much else, and that was enough to me, at a time, as I knew he probably didn't want burden me with such things. I felt free to go my own way, then. I did say to Sage that, if anyone by name of Riversong seeks for me, not to bother telling him - but I guess I forgot he may not be only one seeking, so I forgot to make that precaution. " he smiled a little sadly at them. " Can't say I am not surprised, but I will be honest - you did bright up my day. Little happens here in my life, other than making different foods every day. I imagine nothing feels quite exciting at first, after you've been in household of Conrad Falcon for too long, hah?  "

[Mirach]

"I can imagine how boring it must be," Svarik nodded. "Wouldn't you rather like to work for the Sage? That's a much more interesting household..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I would have stayed there, to be honest, had Riversong died. But sooner or later, I figured, he'd come searching for me, and I did not want him to find me. " Cook explained simply. He sighed a little, though, as he added. " Besides... It feels too much like home, but not quite like home, there. Tide is fun, Sage is so dignified, and Hans is really amazing fellow, though he was flirting too much with me to be comfortable, to admit, since I don't want relationships right now. Besides, they are always in contact with Falcon. I loved that guy, it'd just open up the wound. It's better, like this. I just want to get far away, as far from it, as possible. Being bored is better than always being reminded, sir. " he smiled a bit faintly.

[Mirach]

"Reminded on what?" Svarik asked quietly. "Something that you are missing or something that you don't want in your life anymore?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Both. Sure, of course I miss that place. I was happy there. I have right to feel a little nostalgic, I deem. " cook smiled politely, but his look fell down, on his tea, and he looked thoughtful. " It no longer made me happy, though, and I do not want to live there anymore. I had to be honest with myself - nothing really did make me much happy, after... Long Night. All that Semai business, and all... That is why I left. I need some distance, and I need something new.... " he frown, as if at some dark memory, coldly measuring it up, and refusing to let it touch him. " And I simply do not want to ever see him again. "

[Mirach]

"I'm not quite sure if any of us will see Ben or Riversong as we knew him ever again," Svarik said. "There will be the demon, Ben Temalion, when he is reborn a decade or so later, and there will be Bell, when he is well enough to change into a more complex form again. And that's his true name that changed. There is no Riversong anymore..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Perhaps. But it makes no difference to me, does it? I do not want to meet either. " Jake whispered quietly, evading their look. He looked weary anew, and somehow resigned, understanding he can not avoid the questioning. " I am tired of this whole *third wheel* gig, you know? Besides, I can't forgive him, be him one, or two people now, however weird is that... He still hurt me. " he stated the fact, despite it seemed, it was not easy for him to speak of it. " I had no value to him, at all. I tried to amend that for long, but it had no point... He never wanted to be my Semai, sir. Not since he stopped being... human. The moment he remembered his Spirit life, I had no chance of ever being considered equal to him. " he just shook his head simply, frowning, trying to stay composed, it seemed. " He... Is just so hopelessly in love with Death. It is like a fire, that will never burn out. It persisted, from what I figured by Tide's stories, since he was a Demon life Deity once long ago, then as a Spirit, and then again - moment he became Riversong, the flame burned anew. He desires Death, and no one else. Well, actually - he did have a bit of a crush on you, while he was human.. " he brought himself to joke a bit, it seemed, under heavy memory. " But no one was ever equal in his eyes, to Death, as soon as he remembered him. White built up so much, this whole Semai thing for me... Said it would be wonderful... But it was the worst feeling even, to be bound with someone who deemed you so... worthless.. all while  idolizing someone who never returned his love, ever. I wish them best, and hope they may finally get to a proper relationship, if it's meant for them... But I want to move on. I do not care anymore, that he can not. I can not indulge him on my expense any longer - I have done that long enough. "

[Mirach]

"It just doesn't seem right to me, that you would have to give up the life you enjoyed because he wronged you," Svarik said helplessly. 

[VisAnastasis]

" Well, yes.. He did wrong me quite a lot, I guess... What am I, compared to Death? I could feel the immense sense of loss he felt, when we became Semai, and Death did not even try to intervene, to stop it. Yes, I could feel it in his mind - you're just a cook, you know. What do you do, make food? It's no difference to the world that you think it is. Seeing it through his eyes, I felt that indeed, what I had such passion about... Is worth nothing. I am not passionate anymore, about anything. " cook admitted quietly, sipping his tea. He paused for a moment, before adding quietly. " I... Am sorry. It is still fresh to me. But please, I want you not to feel bad about what he did to me. If I will be honest... I hurt him a lot too, unintentionally. It took me some solitude, to accept, that it was a little my fault as well.. I made the same mistake as he did with Death, I think. I never confessed, either. " he shrugged slowly, reflecting on that while quietly sipping the tea. " I was okay, sire, never to do so - just to be his Semai, it felt like a reward on its own. I thought to myself, it's okay if there never is anything more, if I can just be a companion in his mind. I dared not hope, to watch him as anything but a distant, unreachable star. I did not realize he will know right away, how I felt about him, when our minds became one. " he smiled a little pittifully, at a memory that must had been terrible. " He just... Did not like me back. He loved Death, and he only wanted to find Semai to fight for your life at Long night, anyway. He thought I was nice enough, but he never even noticed before we bound.... And when he did, it was but a source of panic and fear to him. His mind was so vulnerable, and tender... Clouded by betrayal of his mother, and not wanting to be touched by anyone... It was too hard for him, to accept anyone's love, but Death's. Never to be touched by human hands, never... His mind screamed. I think I can hear it only now, after we separated. It took me a while, to accept that lot of terrible lowly things he thought of me at a time, may have been but at least somewhat born from pain of having someone so near, and of such intimacy. Damage was already done to me, I fear. I am not passionate anymore, about anything. " his look was locked on the floor tiredly. " It is okay, sire... He did not just... wrong me. It was both sided. We were just... Wrong for each other, I think. "

[Mirach]

Svarik nodded slowly. "You probably were... And I am also probably selfish for trying to convince you to come back because I miss you, so you were probably right that you should have asked Hans to not tell any of your friends where you are. But I am certainly glad that we found you and are able to talk again."

(OOC: Still not able to try the tablet... my computer doesn't have the needed port, and I had to order the adapter from amazon, becasue they don't have it in Slovak stores)

[VisAnastasis]

" Yes... I should have asked... But I am, too, glad I did not, still. " cook smiled a little bit more warmly at Svarik. " I certainly did not miss Riversong... But I missed all the rest of you guys so much. You appreciated me. You brought great joy to me, whenever I could treat you something you loved. You used to make life so much eventful, so much fun... " he glanced between king and vampire kindly and warmly, before shaking his head wistfully, and growing a bit sadder again, as he added. " I missed you so much... My heart will brake anew, when you leave... But it's better this way. I know you care for Riversong, and Riversong cares for you madly, too - yes, I am quite sure he will continue living in the city, and one city is not big enough for the two of us. Besides, even if he would, by some miracle, leave... Still, it's too fresh. Everything would still remind me of him, and maybe never I could push back, all the heavy words that fell upon me from his side. Just, always one thing on mind... Riversong. Riversong. Riversong... " cook's hand clenched the teacup firmly, in some anger, a gesture somehow frustrated, powerless - but it seemed to Svarik, by some longing and loss in his tone, that he did not quite move on as much as he was saying, and that he still had strong feelings for him, feelings he needed to fight with and suppress, hoping that they one day may finally grow cold and die. " I... Need to get far. Somewhere far away, where nothing, nothing can remind me of him. Where I can not think of him, wonder about him, or burden myself with him. I need to... Forget him. I am sorry, that in the process, I'll have to leave you, sire... I always had great respect and love for you... But if I stay close to him, then... Then I will just waste all the rest of life I have, on him. I am... contaminated... by his harshness and coldness to me... I just wish to... Get to the point... When I can again think of myself... as something else... that Death's worthless substitute, ever pale in comparison. There was never chance for us, as soon as he became Spirit. After everything... " he smirked gravely, with frustration. " He will still continue loving Death, blindly and immensely, while slowly wittering in his shadow and neglect. That is... how he had chosen. "


( OOC: Oh, I am so sorry to hear that, dear :(
It seems there always is something, but I will cross fingers for it to come soon, it's a little longer wait, but I'm sure it will be worth it, and hope it will be just what you wanted <333

[Mirach]

"Are you sure that you can run away from this?" Svarik asked quietly. "In your voice, I hear that you are still carrying with you wherever you go. It does not matter if you are in the same city, or miles away. It may be a matter of time, not distance. It may even be that only facing him again would help you to let go..."

[VisAnastasis]

" You really think so? " Jake asked quietly. He did not speak for a moment, looking rather pale and tired, as he was staring into his cup, cup with tea that was already growing lukewarm. " I do not know... What is a wise path to take. I am not looking for a wise one - just one where I can leave all this behind me. He would not want to see me for me - he would only do so, for he feels guilty, and wishes to apologize... and what is but an empty apology worth to me? What would it change? Nothing. I am still miserable, and he is still miserable. " cook murmured with some defeat. " I left without goodbye to him... Because he was becoming a jerk to everyone. He was so powerless and grieved, that he can't use his powers around like he used to, that he became sour, and was chasing people away from him, instead of letting them help. In his helplessness, he became bitter. I hoped my leave will be a wake up call to him, that he is crossing all lines... And it was, by what Falcon told me. It got him to struggle to win you all over, again. That is all I wanted. " he admitted quietly. " It is true... Not bidding him goodbye... It feels like... an unfinished business. Lot of things were left unsaid... But what's the use of them? None. If he wants to be happy, he needs not me. " he shook his head, as he hid some deep, chocking pain, behind a tender frail smile and a joke. " He needs to, like... ask Death out, like, on a fancy dinner in some fancy restaurant, as soon as possible. He needs to finally confess and put his feelings to words. They need to get together, and became a couple at last - it is, way, way too long overdue. They need to see if it's meant to be. Third wheel.. No. They do not need that, and I need no drama like that in my life... I just need some peace, and quiet. Somewhere where I may be comfortable again, just being on my own, without all those... thoughts.. "

[Mirach]

"I believe that place is back at Falcon's mansion, not here..." Svarik said gently. "You are not a third wheel, but his Semai. That does not change anything between him and Death. If you see it as a mistake, then by doing it, you prevented him from doing the same mistake with Death. I did ask Tide if there could be a way for the two of them to become Semai anyways, but now I see it might really be a mistake for them. I actually do not know of any Semai who were also a couple for long. In love, you need some privacy and little secrets for the relationship to work. It is a dance of getting to know each other and falling in love. When all is revealed this suddenly, I don't know if it could work. Do not think you stand between them, just like Falcon does not stand between me and Lipka. Riversong wanted to be Death's Semai for the same reason you wanted to be his - because he was afraid to ask for the other relationship. He still does not understand that, I think. I really believe that it would be better for all of you to face him instead of running. And now I'm not telling you this because I'm being selfish and miss you..."

[VisAnastasis]

Man was quiet for a while anew, thinking carefully through what king told him, not wanting to rush into deciding anything, and wanting to find words, to convey his feelings properly.

" I do not think he would ever really be happy, just being Death's Semai, yes. " Jake agreed quietly, then. " He would wish for more, much more. But could you please, understand... That it is same with me? " he bid Svarik quietly. " I, as well, thought that I could be content, with nothing but that. But I just... can not. Seeing him happy with Death, whom he loved so much - it would be right. I wish nothing but that happiness, for them. However, I was honest with myself, and with it, I sow, that I would not be happy, either... By being just a Semai. To live a life, filled with regret, longing, jealously and envy... I do not want that. " he shook his head quietly and sadly. " Please, understand me... What if.. If... What if Falcon would had been in love with you, not just cared for you platonicaly, as a friend and companion? Of course, you'd wish to be with lady Lipka regardless - but do you think it would ever be enough for him to be happy, just to be your Semai, then, and watch how much in love you two are, from the distance, with a heart that is burning away and braking each day? " his voice was hoarse, and there was a lump in his throat. "  I am in such position. It is miserable, hard position to be in, true, but.... What else can I do, sire, but leave? What else, is a right and noble thing to do, for all of us? "

[Mirach]

"Do you still love him?" Svarik asked. "After you saw his mind, and what he thought of you, after he offended you?"

[VisAnastasis]

That was quite a direct question, and quite an uncomfortable one, for someone who was still carrying lot of pain and confusion.
" What is the point.. on focusing on something, that can not be? " he asked quietly, evading king's look, as if ashamed to look him in the eyes. " But, I mean.. I had had a crush on him for, like, three years - ever since he started coming up in the Falcon's mansion from time to time... He was so handsome and he was so cool, the best in his field, young protege - and, sure, did he ever sound so nice and sweet, when he'd come by and chat... " lad shrugged helplessly, grimacing, as if opening an old wound. " You can not just... Erase something like that, instantly. I did like him for a long while, and I may have flirted with him, but he was ever so clueless to notice. No... I don't know how I feel about Riversong... But, by Gods.. " he grinned painfully. " Did I love Ben... "

[Mirach]

"I'm sorry for asking. I don't mean to open old wounds, but I'm trying to understand because I wish I could help. Aren't you angry at Riversong, for replacing Ben?"

[VisAnastasis]

Lad again thought well, before answering, trying to name his feelings correctly.
" Replacing Ben... It's not exactly what happened, I think. I am more, like.. Disappointed. That Benjamin Bennet allowed the old memories to overpower who he was, in human life. " he whispered thoughtfully, trying to remember how it felt when they were Semai, in little a pleasant experience. " He chose to act on the outside, as if he was Riversong, and continue Riversong's path... But in lot, it more seemed like... he was just a human, scared and owerpowered by Spirit powers and memories, not knowing how to put them in perspective. The two just melded together. That they became one, all while trying to figure out how to feel about world, in light of their so different pasts and likings. I felt... That Benjamin alone, may have had a soft spot for me, and could have liked me... I am just sad, I guess... How he reacted to my liking. It defeated me, at a time, such harshness, and rejection so strong, that it was much like an urge to throw up. Still, though, I tried to see, if there was a chance, for middle ground... I tried my best, after that first bad time, sire, I really did. " he shook his head. " Yes.. I am angry... But not because he regained his memories and power. I would not wish him, to live forever, restrained. But... It did hurt a lot, all the time he would look away from me and demand me to leave the room, as if I had a plague... All the time when he did not want me around, when he would ask for Death with bathed breath... When he would refuse to eat food I made as if it was foul... When he would shiver before me, covering, and trembling, as if fearing I would jump at him, bring him harm, offend him... When all I'd do is but bid to sit down at his side quietly, to look out for him, with no obligations, whatsoever... " lad shook his head, as he added barely audibly. " I never laid a finger at him. I treated him only kindly... I never abandoned him in pain, like Death did. I, true, am not healer of souls, bid I did give him all I could, looking out for him, trying to be there for him, making him food he liked, offering him support... I did not even bid for anything more, than a place in his life, at least, and yet, all he ever did, was watch me as if I was nothing but an assailant, a perpetrator, in his mind... It hurt a lot. But Riversong, or Benjamin... However you chose to name it... It is still the same person... I do not care, that you name it *Bell*, now... It is just the same... "

[Mirach]

"Bell is just a flower now. He lost some parts of his soul, and I don't know who he will be when he takes a more human form. But his repulsion for you was more of a projected repulsion for his mother, I guess. I don't want to excuse him, I just know how it feels to be hurt like this. He needs to deal with that hurt just like you need to deal with tye hurt caused by his repulsion. And I am not sure if either of you can do that wothout the other..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I.. am guilty of not telling him how I felt, before we became Semai. He is guilty of the same - not telling me how he really felt. I would have preferred, if he told me, that he remembered he promised Death he will be Semai to him, than to stay silent and go on with it... Only to force me to feel the full dept, of his regret and remorse at ending up stuck with me, instead of that perfect King of Spirits almightly, that can, sure, do not wrong... It was an experience violating, suffocating, vulnerable beyond words.  It was not how it was supposed to be, to have a Semai. White told me... It was supposed to be... beautiful. " lad rubbed his eyes tiredly, though, despite his eyes were teary, they were tired, and under weight of all the suppressed grief, no tears came out. " You are right... I am not alright, of course. You wouldn't be, sir, if I may say so, on my place, either. I hoped time and distance will help me heal, but if you, a healer of souls, deem not so... What else could I do? " he asked Svarik quietly, with the same sad, deep grief in his weary eyes, dulled with pain - as if he hoped that king, whom he trusted, and who came all this way to find him, maybe he'll know something, that he does not.

[Mirach]

"My opinion is influenced by missing you, I fear, but I think you should stop running away... You are just letting this unhappy relationship ruin everything you enjoyed before. It's painful seeing you like this..." Svarik said quietly.