Senecio adn Tide II

[VisAnastasis]

Conrad, who was for once in his life, without doubt, clueless of the complexity of the situation, did notice the increased closeness, but he did not seem embarrassed or suspicious of its meaning - rather, he just appeared to enjoy that Svarik was that comfortable with his touch, which meant he didn't have to be too self conscious about what he does, which seemed to be what he preffered.

When Svarik sat down, after he assured he wasn't cold, man sat down on a cloak at his side, too, and since meadow king didn't say anything, he turned his head to the horizon again, watching the waves that were foamy and faint  under the dimmed light. Without the sounds of human activities overwhelming it during the day, at night when most of people were at their homes, the music of the sea was more clear and soothing to listen to, washing over them.  

[Mirach]

Svarik remained quiet for a while, listening to it. He knew it was a best occasion to talk right now, but he was afraid to do it and break something they have right now. Finally he gathered his courage. "It wasn’t just Lipka that I talked with Eros about," he said quietly. "I was confused, but it turns out there was a term that explained it rather well. Do you know what polyamory is?"

[VisAnastasis]

Falcon didn't seem to expect that subject to go in that direction. Under the dimmed light of a lantern, where their features were harder to distinguish, as well as his expression, but he seemed to be thinking.

" I did get to hear a bit more of it in practice recently... My biggest source, though, was actually Melody, but she could not put it to equal words like Eros did," he explained." Me and Melody discussed her past... I mean, I want to understand what she likes and why, and what those people in the past meant for her compared to me. But somewhere along Eros's tarrot game, we touched the subject and put a name on it. He seems to be good at putting names to feelings. He explained that ancestor of your was poliamorous. He had two wives and loved and respected both, in his own way, but because he loved Melody more passionately, his other wife hated her and wanted her gone. He explained it is a classic case of poor communication and a circumstance where jelousy and lack of attention to ome side results in unbalanced poliamory... "

[Mirach]

"Yes... that's one example of it," Svarik nodded, drawing his knees to his chin. "Not a most positive one. I guess because of it I perceived polyamory as something wrong. And I've got a girlfriend, so if it's wrong, I shouldn't be loving someone else, right? So I've convinced myself I didn’t... but I can’t convince myself any longer."

[VisAnastasis]

Falcon seemed thoughtful with it, and maybe a little gloomy, as if many thoughts were weighting on his mind.

" Honestly... You look so troubled, so I am getting a rather bad feeling about this... " He admitted quietly, looking down. " I really am trying to be as open minded as I can, Svarik... When you brought up Lipka, it was sudden, but I was not too surprised - you are handsome and charming, it's expected you have someone in mind already. But because of that, it still didn't quite made sense - you had ten years, so it was easily plausible you met many people you are fond of... just... How many?" He asked carefully, but it seemed like he was bothered somehow." I don't... Want to bring you down... But even if it's just one or two, I fear you would have to put all your free time into balancing all that. I could not support you having so many bonds without making everyone in it happy, because I am so done with handling royal intrigues and killing intentions and poisons hidden in teacups and all that. But it would also mean... we couldn't have nearly as little time we have right now. The time we have.. will naturally decrease with you even having even one family to invest in, and that is bad news in itself already... But this would be having several families," he admitted gloomily, as he seemed bothered." I mean... I am ready to give it my all to give you a chance for a happy life, but you are not going to... Make me work for a ghost king, right? One I can only heard about, but never get to see... "

[Mirach]

Svarik bit his lip as he saw that for once, Conrad had no clue about what he is talking about. He felt even more anxious than before with it, but he wanted to finish what he started and get it out. "It’s... not so many," he murmured. "Just Lipka... and you."

[VisAnastasis]

For once, Falcon indeed was surprised, tensing up and holding his breath unwittingly, appearing at a loss for words at first, as if through his eyes were flashing all choices that led him to this point. He breathed in slowly then.

" Svarik... " He turned to him slowly then, tentatively observing his expression, for the first time in a long while, watching him with the same apprehensive intent look he did when they were just meeting and he was testing his worth as a king." You understand... the real weight of what you are saying, right? How can I trust what you are feeling isn't just... so much admiration that you are unsure if you should put bigger name to it... when you put it hesitantly like that? If you have something important to tell me, do not beat around the bush like that. Tell it to my face as it is. "

[Mirach]

"It's more than admiration," Svarik said quietly, embracing his knees. "Uncertainty about the feeling is not the reason of my hesitance. But... we are best friends and Semai. And you have Melody and I have Lipka, and I'm a bit afraid to find out what your feelings are towards me. I don't want to make it awkward or complicated, and I'm sorry if I'm doing just that. But I don't want to hide and suppress what I feel aymore, either. I love you, Conrad."

[VisAnastasis]

Conrad's face grew just a touch redder, as if, despite it was what he asked for, he still didn't know what to do with it.
" A-alright... that is... more direct. And... it is not like I don't believe you yet, alright? I just... don't have enough information to form an opinion yet, " he said suddenly, pressing his temples as if, on the contrary, he was dealing with too much information. " I was just... thinking through so many possible variables for the future... but this was never one of them. Let's... just think this through first, from the most pressing w-wories, " he stuttered, trying to grasp the situation in the only way he knew - by untangling it first, " Even if we... hypothetically assume we are willing to do something about it... I feel like I have been struck with an ominous doom flag. Does... Does Lipka know? You still do want to be with her with all your heart, right? " he asked seriously. " If you admit to her you don't want to be just with her, and she leaves you, would you be able to take it? And would you end up blaming and being bitter to me, for being the last drop that caused your break up? If there were other girls you loved to put the blame on, I know there would be no way whatever happens between you and Lipka would be my fault, but the way it seems right now, if you don't get together, well, then it would be like, 99 persent my fault... "

[Mirach]

Svarik sighed shakily when his admission was only met with calculations of possible outcomes. "She doesn't know," he whispered. "Well, I guess she might suspect it. She's a bit like Eros, able to figure out and name these things easily." He paused, watching the sea for a while. "Look, I really don't want to complicate things. This is how I feel, but I'll only act on it if everyone involved agrees - you, Lipka and Melody. But I'm telling you first, because if you say no, there's no reason to ask them. We can... try to forget this and get back to what we had before."

[VisAnastasis]

It was Falcon's time to be shaken as Svarik's immediately backing down had a really bad effect on his state of mind.
" You know you can not just say something like that and just back down right away, without even giving the other person time to give you an answer, right? How would I trust your resolve at all like that? You... are not trying to see things from my angle at all, " he gritted his teeth, growing increasingly agitated. " Obviously, I have my priorities, just like you. Whatever we are to each other, there is one single thing I can never let to happen - the future where you would grow to resent me. It's better even to watch you grow old and die than to witness a day where you would grow bitter towards me. Naturally, I am worried you would blame me if Lipka breaks up with you. I know really little about her, the most I do know though, is that she is important to you, and you don't want to lose her. I know you would feel like shit if you lost her because I would feel the same if I lost *you*... "

[Mirach]

Svarik played with the edge of his cloak absently. "I'm not backing down..." he murmured. "I'm just telling you that whatever you decide, it's okay. I don't want to pressure you. I can also give you all the information you want, if I have it. About this one... if Lipka breaks up with me, it's her decision. I wouldn't be bitter at you or at her. I'd just be sad. I'd only be bitter at myself if I lose both of you because of this. It’s just... this isn't really about information. You can't decide what to feel based on the pros and cons. I tried, it doesn’t work like that... You already know what you feel. I'm not asking you what you want to do with it, that's where the evaluating of every angle comes into play. We can do that together then, I just... would like to know."

[VisAnastasis]

" I just think... my feelings are more complicated than yours. It would take more to explain that few words, so I would rather see what your intentions are before we speak of my feelings, " Falcon replied quietly, " I know I just berated you for beating around the bush... But this is all unexpected to me, and I stand to lose as much as you if I make the wrong choice, so please, allow me to beat around the bush a little. I mean, you are not giving me a lot to work with. This is not classic, girl meets boy and they decide to start a family, where everyone knows what to expect... How can I tell you if I want something if I do not know what you mean by that? I can not consent to just everything blindly, can I? " he avoided his look before he whispered. " For random example... let's just say I say, yes, fine, let's do this... If it's not me, but she that says no, will you tell her the same as you did me, to forget about it, and keep things as they are? Because, let me tell you one thing... " he said gloomily. " You... are literally the only person on earth for whom I would consider taking this drastic leap, and... if you were to back down and dump me instantly... I mean, how would you feel if someone asked you to be in a relationship and were to dump you right away in favour of their other lover? It's like setting myself up for failure, to either just say yes or no before you tell me how far you'd be willing to go... "

[Mirach]

"That's why I'm not asking you if you want to do this," Svarik said. "I just would like to know how you feel. Easiest option, you don't see me that way, we don't do anything and there's no need to tell Lipka or Melody. But you're beating around the bush, so... it's not the easiest option, is it? That's all I'd like to know now, so that we can figure out if we want to do this. I just had to approach one of you first, there's no other way. I don't want to ask you to take a leap just to take it back in the last moment and not leap with you. Let's not leap anywhere just yet, I'd only like to know if you would be willing to, and if you wouldn’t mind sharing with Lipka. Because if she says no... well, I'm rather hoping she won't, but it wouldn't change what I feel to either of you. I guess it would be her decision, if she's willing to accept it or not."

[VisAnastasis]

" You are making it really hard for me to beat around the bush, you know... " Falcon sighed, looking away into the distance, and he finally tried to explain, pushing his whole mind to avoid being vague this time, " It's really not about sharing, alight? I don't mind that. Rather I am afraid of losing what we have. The way I love is a wide, all-encompassing way. The way I would describe it is... a desire for increasing closeness and freedom with you. I feel, whether we are friends or partners, it is something I can have... but not if Lipka says no and you take her side. I can be really free with you, as your best friend... but if every my freedom could be taken wrongly, as cheating, then I could not longer have it, and I would really feel like I lost just about best thing I had in my life, " he turned his head to Svarik, with all his mental energy to maintain firm look. " I love you, Svarik, " he said firmly, " I love you with a fluid kind of love Beings had in mind when they came up with that family binding ritual - whether you become my best friend, brother, or love,  it only matters it's a strongest, freest and deepest kind of love. It matters that I can be unreasonably close to you, whatever name I have to put as an excuse for it. But... I also love you with a selfish kind of love, " he said, barely keeping his face straight. " Where I am ready to fight for all the time and affection I can get. I love you in a way where... if Lipka refuses this, I would naturally ask you to just forget all you told me, and still come back together with her, because I would want you to be happy... But the moment I would tell you that, I know I would be dishonest with my feelings, because it would grind my heart to the tiniest shrivels, if you picked her over me like that...  This is how I honestly feel. Is it really hard to understand why I don't want to put you into bad spot, then? "

[Mirach]

Svarik sighed deeply, with relief. He looked a bit giddy with it. "Thank you. That's what I needed to know. I wouldn't be able to change how I feel about either of you. I'm glad Eros helped me figure it out, because I think it's the key I was missing for untangling my relationship with Lipka, too. I thought feelings for you meant I'm losing the love for her, and I haven't even considered the option that it doesn't have to be a choice between one or the other. Now I'm sure that I love her, just like I'm sure that I love you. If you said no, I would know I shouldn't act based on them, but my feelings wouldn't change. And if she says no and demands I only love her, it wouldn't change my feelings either. I would still love you, so the choice whether to accept it is hers alone. So you see, if Lipka refuses this and you would ask me to come back together with her, it wouldn't change my feelings either. Nothing that she or you decide would. If you would want me to be happy, you shouldn't ask me to get back with her if she refuses to accept them. But I have faith in her. I know she's keeping a secret from me, but I've been keeping one from her as well, even though the reason was that I haven't figured it out myself yet. I think now we can finally be honest with each other. If I am mistaken and she will only want me for herself... then I'll see that she's not the one I fell in love with. I will be a father to her child then, but I wouldn't be her husband. So, cross your fingers for me that I'm not mistaken in her."

[VisAnastasis]

Conrad held his breath as Svarik spoke, especially as he neared the end of his words, and as well as he admitted he knows about the child. He seemed relieved and a little flustered at the end of it, but also a little ashamed because of feeling relieved.

" I... see..." He managed to reply slowly, looking light headed." Then... I won't push you into staying with her... It isn't really my intention to work against myself, you know? I just... Don't want you to miss out." He said quietly." I don't want that child to have a bad life if she could have a loving one, too. It is your child, and I care about anything tied to you. Your mother had a misfortunale life full of loss and trauma, you had it... I don't want your child to have it, too. I feel if I am selfish about this, I could be a cause of misfortune for yet another generation. " He said, pressing rooth of his nose as if he felt his brain would shriver down and fall out." I... Was worried, but it was also a selfish choice. We were discussing whether we should tell you about the child before or after this trip. I thought, if you knew about the child, you would absolutely want her to come to the sea, and in name of all elder gods, I am so not letting her fly anywhere right now - with my kind of luck, we would totally fall into some accident that she could lose the child over. But... It is not a complete truth," he admitted tentatively." Not if I am honest with myself. Even since I learnt of the baby, I had been feeling a certain... Sense of finality. That once you learn about it, you won't feel like spending that much time with me any longer, and will focus on your family. It is natural, but... I just wanted to feel I at least had and used up time we had on this trip fully, so I can tell you the news with clearer conscience... "

[Mirach]

Svarik smiled a little. "You two conspirators honestly thought I wouldn't hear the extra heartbeat?" he asked with some amusement. "Don't worry for the child. I'll make sure it has a good life. The only desicion left to make is Lipka's now, there's nothing else we can do about that," he said and looked relieved that it is so and that he can now be certain of his feelings. 

[VisAnastasis]

Falcon snorted at the heartbeat notion, but it mostly seemed like all the tension of the talk had to get out somehow and it was the first thing to cling on.
" Well, yeah... while I monitor your activities and whereabouts thoroughly, I am at least trying not to go as far as to follow her menstrual cycles and when you two are doing the deed, you know. I did not exactly know when was the conception day, and if you only slept once or multiple times, and it takes 8 to 10 weeks until a heartbeat can be heard properly, so it was reasonably early for me to believe you won't suspect she's pregnant right away. " he pulled his hair back, as it seemed he was doing things with his hands to feel less awkward." Oh, and just so I can confirm since it's all a little surreal... did we just, like, both automatically assume Melody will be fine with it? " he whispered, likewise, with some surreal, but more embarrassed bemusement. " Because, if I am honest, my answer is... yes, I can hardly imagine why would she possibly be against it. But it's sort of funny how we're just taking it as a fact of nature like... shy is blue, water is wet, and Melody is chill with this... "

[Mirach]

"Yes," Svarik chuckled. "She's been in this kind of relationship before, so it's an understandable assumption. But of course we should ask her."

[VisAnastasis]

" Honestly, I am not even sure what exactly will change now, since someone is greedy on details, " Falcon snorted, looking at the foamy waves next to them somewhat timidly. " But, I mean, while I would definitely end up crushed in depression if it doesn't work out with Lipka, it's hard to imagine it that I would lose something if it works out, right? So, it's a solid yes from me, though my solid yes could end up being a little less enthusiastic yes if Melody opposes. But I am only saying this so confidently because I think she won't. I must stand in her defence, though, since I believe she will only be hesitant if Lipka is, like, really against it, to the point of hate, " he said quietly. " I think... she would be most afraid of going through the same thing she once did, of being in a relationship where no one feels quite right. I can not predict Lipka because I do not know her well enough, but she is a kind of person that was ready to just take the kid and raise it in the middle of nowhere if she felt too strongly about it, so she could be ready for everything. I am a little unsure of it myself. I am not... going to start finding things like suspicious ingredients in my pies, and poison in my spiced milk, am I? " he asked, only half-jokingly. " Because, whenever I was thinking on biting off more than I can chew, this was definitely not one of those things I had any concrete plans about, since that one time I asked, you said you didn't feel about me that way, and it would be just exhausting if I had to worry about another way I could die. I couldn't have... Melody live through something like that again, and I am not quite keen on constant anxiety like that. I barely began having more normal feelings toward eating, drinking and sleeping on one location since I met you... "

[Mirach]

"I know... I was a bit afraid to admit it now because I've told you before I didn't feel that way. And I didn’t... yet. But I gradually started to. But... you're losing me a bit there. Who do you think would want to poison your drinks? Lipka? Or me? Or Melody? Why anyone of us do that?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Oh, not you or Melody. If it would honestly turn out I knew you both so little, I would not even feel betrayed; I would just sign and personally hit myself in the head with a shovel until I am braindead enough I can not be saved, and someone comes along to bury me with it," Falcon replied seriously as if it was a most reasonable course of actions. " I was meaning on... Lipka. It is just really hard for me to trust people, and I know her so little, and can't predict how she is thinking. Honestly, while I have naturally never been in a situation like this, since I am competitive in everything, now that I know you feel like this towards me, while I was originally planning to sacrifice as much of our time together as possible so you can have more time with Lipka building your family... I can not just back down, knowing this. If we are doing this, I am not just going to limit myself by being with you only a little while just because you can have kids with her but not technically with me," he said, firmly. " And... yeah... if someone who was acting like my boyfriend's best friend suddenly got to be his boyfriend too and competed with me for his attention all the time, I don't know whether there would be a snap moment when I would just be so done with it and want him gone... My mind is, like, blank now, and I do not know where any of this is going, but I know that, now that things are like this, I can not just settle for any less than she is having. " he smiled, on the surface daringly, but with a frail, and also questioning expression, as if he was waiting for Svarik's reaction to his words. " Friends can reasonably be asked to spend less time with you as you are leading family life, but lovers can't, because they are a part of that family life, so you sort of dug your own grave on this one by confessing to me... "

[Mirach]

"Good," Svarik whispered. "Because I don't want you to settle for less. I was afraid you would... As to Lipka, she really isn't petty like that. And if she is, then I'll borrow that shovel when you're done with it."

[VisAnastasis]

Falcon snorted faintly, as if, if he wouldn't have some way to release pent up dismay and shock his head would explode.
" For the record, this isn't quite yet trusting her, but I am trusting you since you are so dead certain, so... for a time being, I am ready to do the most uncharacteristic thing for myself and set those thoughts aside and cross fingers you are right. So... what now, then? " he asked Svarik, just a touch hesitantly. " I mean, this is obviously something we will have to talk about a lot to figure out what exactly all of this will mean for us all, I mean... Trust me, right now, this is the very first time in my life I am making an impulse decision to do something big without first thinking through all consequences, but... I suddenly realized that this makes it our first official date, then, doesn't it? " he asked a little hoarsely. " And coincidentally, I just remember I am the worst nervous wreck when it comes to dates... "