Senecio adn Tide II

[VisAnastasis]

"I see... For now, it's just important for me to know you keep in mind that you have the freedom to wish for more, " Tide finally nodded slowly, with a little more assurance. He seemed a little thoughtful and hesitant about something else, though, and he explained very carefully. " And I am not smart, so it's hard to put it into words... I just can't help but worry about your bonds, because it somehow feels to me that the more people treat you with care, the less you believe their attention is deserved. It always feels like you're treating bonds you make like something can be torn from you at any time and are trying to not get too dependent on them... Even with me, who always showers you with affection, you are anxious I'd not want you anymore whenever we have even small arguments, "he revealed his insecurities. "I just wished I could understand better. To be honest... Hans has been preparing another little more, let's say pricey gift for you and was looking forward to gifting it, but he's a little anxious about doing big sweeping gestures after you were conflicted with his offer to adopt you in a human way, so he's currently waiting for a good moment to give it... but I'm honestly worried if any moment would be good currently since you're so easily overwhelmed by people trying to get close to you. It's not much of a luxurious gift and is rather a show of sincerity, so I don't feel like it's proper to spoil it... but like with adoption, wouldn't it be worse to not know and be caught off guard and reach uncomfortably to his offer because he's trying too hard? I know he looks tough, but he is very fragile when it comes to people he loves. It would break his heart if his sincere efforts backfired, so at this point, I'm unsure if I should tell on him or not, even if he'd be angry at me... "

---

"Oh, "Conrad's voice shook a little, and he seemed a little dumbfounded as if he never really thought of it that way, as if himself being the focus was thought so far away to him it didn't even cross his mind. " I guess... I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You're much more like Melody than I realized... All this time I thought I loved songbirds, so why do I find myself surrounded by foxes instead? "he chuckled nervously as if struggling to deal with an unexpected turn of events. Something in his eyes grew a little sad, though. " Honestly... it's really hard to wrap my mind around why you would want such a thing with someone who is so serious and solemn about it as me, and not someone you could have casual pleasant time with, like Mole or Alpha. If it were me putting in the effort, even if I have no experience now, I'm confident in my ability to learn things, so even if you have more experience, I am at least confident I can match you with effort... If I could master Lownlandian laws, I can surely figure out some things that you like if you guide me. But I'd have trouble... just complacently accepting without giving anything, " he whispered hesitantly, as if too shy to look up, caressing Svarik's hand that was holding his. " It sounds so strange when you say things like wanting to return the care I have given you... In my mind, if anything, you and Melody were always the ones who had given me way more than I could ever give you... I know it is shameless of me to treat this like a transaction like I don't believe anything should happen unless we can do equally for each other. After thinking a lot about it, I wouldn't exactly say I am against intimacy, however little I know of it. Rather, when I face both of you, I am stuck, and my legs are heavy as lead, and I keep looking up at the mountains way higher than the ones of Highland, of what you are and what you gave to me. It is so vast and awe-inspiring... and so much. I am humbled and overwhelmed with the desire to give you more, to return what you gave me. But no matter how many heartfelt songs I play, or how many hugs, sweets or trinkets I give you, it's never enough to get on your level, just like I can not build a mountain by merely stacking stones. I did give you plenty of safety, reassurance and sweets, but you changed my mind, my heart, and my whole life. I wouldn't exactly say that I am repulsed by... concept of intimacy... or that I would oppose it with negative feelings. I do not... necessarily dislike it.  But I can not be Conrad Falcon if I can not strive to return the good I've been given. I am not the kind of man who can just take and take and feel good about it. I'm perfectly aware of how petty and transactional I sound, but I can't help it. I love you with all my being, heart soul and body, " he mirrored Svarik's words shyly. " And the heart wants what it wants, and sometimes what it wants is twisted. You love a pathetic petty man that can not take an inch more than he can give... "

[Mirach]

"Don't tell on him," Senecio smiled a bit. "You can tell him that material gifts are fine with greedy little me. It’s just the fatherly status of an adoption that I have complicated feelings about. It’s not him, just some memories I haven't dealt with properly yet and I don't want to be reminded on my father every time I have to do something legal."

---

"Okay," Svarik smiled just with his eyes. "We can do that. We can do both of that... under the one condition that I have. That you take the time to focus on yourself and figure out your boundaries, so that I can trust you that you won't push yourself into something you don't really want for my sake. Is that alright?"

[VisAnastasis]

" In that case... it might be a good idea for you to stop by Hans briefly today before the end of the day, when you feel like, so that you can don't have to fall asleep wondering what the hell new gift could be... It's just really hard for me to describe it without spoiling it, as it's a lot, but also not a lot considering Han's way of seeing you. As I said, it is technically expensive, but it isn't something one would go to the shop to buy - it's more of a meaningful gesture than something you can wear or eat. But it would do you good to clear some of the anxiety regarding adopting and reassure him that only adoption is a problem, but gifts are good, " Tide nodded slowly. " To be honest, while he does like teasing you, he is quite anxious after you grew more distant with him with adoption, that's what he began looking into if law change to sibling adoption would be possible, but he didn't want to give you false hope yet. But it seemed by the talks of others that you and Janus will get it covered, so I'm very happy for him... He's very worried about putting too much weight on you these days, you see, but he is struggling, too. I am not telling this to spoil you, but one more reason why I smiled a lot today was thinking about his gift, and also thinking about his current adorable idea that he spoke to me of for the noble house name change when he adopts you, you see. I won't tell you his current thoughts about it, you should hear them from him, but I am just giving you a heads-up because he is anxious to speak on the matter so as not to bring you more pain unknowingly. But if I don't tell you it's important to him, you won't know, and I'd hate for you to grow more distant if all I need to do is tell on him tiny a little bit. He's... the kind of person who would rather delay things indefinitely than risk making something good worse, so he needs a lot of encouragement to do things right away instead of trying to wait for a perfect moment that won't come... "

---

" I see you doubt me for the same thing I doubt you, " Falcon couldn't help but smile faintly. The fire in his eyes grew a little brighter, though, as he shook his head. " Really, must I return the question you asked back at you, my sweet star? You know I would never purposely make you do something you hate, right? Rather, instead of acting like we are both so reasonable, wouldn't it be more mature of us to admit we both suck at defining clear-cut boundaries? " he grinned a little, and as if he couldn't help himself, he leaned a bit closer and endearingly pinched Svarik's cheek - and kept caressing it afterwards. " There's nothing so dramatic going on in my mind such as - oh, I don't quite like this, but Svarik wanted me to do it, so I will endure. It's more like - I have no idea what I am doing or what normal people do in this situation, and Svarik wants to try it, so as long as it's not a self-serving experience directed just at me, it will be fine to try it. It's not much different than trying exotic food - I may or may not like it, but I can't tell if I never ate anything uncommon. It's more about... level of trust. I am just so unreasonably comfortable and safe with you. All my safest memories are memories with you by my side... so please, don't think of it in any dark way as me enduring something. I'd naturally refuse if you tried to wingman me into sleeping with any random man or woman even if they were the coolest most skilled people in the world, because I am not interested in men or women of any looks or personality. Just one man, and one woman, and that is all. It's merely that I feel so safe with you that it is very physically hard for me to imagine you doing something that would actually hurt me. Your touch is as soft and soothing as laying down in a field of dandelions... so how do you expect me to be afraid in any way that would matter? Reasonably embarrassed and anxious and flustered to death, yes, but not afraid. As Semai, even our minds touched so closely it was hard to distinguish where one ends and the other starts... so how can you expect me to make clean cuts? I think you shouldn't act like you'd be all that great at making clear cuts, either. I am not saying that you wouldn't naturally recoil if I suddenly groped you or pinned you down or something, would you say no? Of course, yes, like I would if you were to do something alarming without warning. But even before we got into a relationship I was holding you close all the time and carrying you around like a plushie, and you'd just shrug it off and make yourself comfortable and snuggle next to me without fear, even at your most fearful. I don't think boundaries are either of our strongest traits... and if anything, I am a man who treats myself carelessly and gets stabbed and hurt often, so I'd even dare to say that you treat me more preciously than I treat myself. Naturally, I will give my best, but as long as there's love in your eyes, I can't imagine being in actual distress... One word of coldness, distrust or dismissal can destroy me much more than anything you could do with your silly weak hands. You can destroy me with words much more than you could if you stabbed me. As long as your words to me remain warm as they are now, it would be really hard to hurt me in any way that matters... "

[Mirach]

"I tried to explain to him how I felt about the adoption idea and why as well as I could. Maybe I didn’t do it well enough because he took me by surprise with that idea. I don’t want to make him anxious, but I also don’t take it that well when he makes big decisions about me without me, and then presents them as a surprise. I prefer the feeling of being in control of things to this kind of surprises. Could you maybe try to explain that to him? I'm not sure how to without some misunderstanding or making him feel bad."

---

"Okay," Svarik nodded, reassured. "That's good to know. It's not the same for me, just so you know. I don't suck so much at defining clear boundaries, I believe. Well, not in this, at least. I have more experience, good and bad, so I know what I enjoy and what I absolutely don't want. You don't yet know what those things are for you, but if you ever find out, you tell me, yes?"

[VisAnastasis]

" I understand... That's why I am worried about this present, because it's hard to imagine how you will feel about it. It could go either way, because it's one of those things that technically affects you, but doesn't really change much of your everyday life. I would rather explain it as a gesture of acceptance and protection than something that would make your daily life different. But that could only be my view as a Being, and you may see it differently, as human. It's just important if you want to refuse, you can refuse, as long as you do it gently. Even adoption. You can refuse anything you don't like," Tide whispered quietly and a little thoughtfully." I am just rather worried Hans will keep trying to give you more and more, and how it may actually draw you apart instead of bring you closer. No matter how mature he wants to be, all of us were affected by... by your loss. His way of coping with bad things is to try to run from it and overcompensate, and his love language is giving, but he is clumsy with gifts, he will try to keep and keep giving endlessly in hopes his affections will leave enough of a mark to ease your despair. You must reassure him that he doesn't have to tear of stars from the sky for you," he smiled sadly." Because that madman may actually do it eventually. If you don't like the gift he prepared you, you must stop him. Otherwise , he will just return with something bigger next time. He will just keep adding more and more of food you like on your plate in hopes it will cheer you up and give you more will to live, and there is love in the gesture, but you just can't eat that much... You are the only one that can choose what from it you wish to eat and what to leave aside, though... "

---

" I didn't mean it in way that you wouldn't be able to refuse specific things you dislike, but more in a way that in general things, lines are blurrier when people are very close. Perhaps not in intimacy, but I am quite sure you wouldn't be comfortable with just anyone being as needy and snuggly with you as I am, and carrying you around like a stuffed comfort toy, right? I wouldn't even entertained the thought of closeness if you were not the one that asked. Who is way more important than what, for me," Falcon replied quietly, but he seemed more sad and thoughtful as Svarik mentioned bad experiences. Indeed, he did seem to act more clingy with it, as if seeking reassurance that Svarik is alright by snuggling closer to him, leaning his head more against king's back and rubbing his head against his shoulder tiredly." It would be rather helpful if I just knew what you absolutely don't want so I just never ask. But it's not easy to say, right? Would it be easier to write? If you don't want to do either, though, you don't have to, I will figure it out along the way. Instead... How about you tell me more about the other thing? About things you tried before and really enjoy, things that felt best, things you long for, things you always wished to do... You can write if it's too hard to say. I would just like to know... So that I can ask Eros for advice about it, " he offered gently instead while huddled closer to him, , as it seemed it was his expression of respect, and proof of his pure intentions and wish to focus on good." I can't promise I will do great right away, but I am confident in my ability to learn, and... I feel like if I can see that I can do well despite my inexperience that... I will be able to be less insecure about it. Now, I have no knowledge, and without knowledge there can be no confidence... Since I know nothing and you already know what you enjoy, it would help if I could have some starting point I could learn from. You encouraged me to seek Eros out yourself, so I might as well draw out all advice I out of him as I can... What I ask from him depends one what you tell me, though.... "

[Mirach]

"If you think there's a reason to worry with this gift, then it might be better if you tell me ahead what it is," Senecio said. "I don't want to disappoint Hans, but if it’s something that makes me feel out of control again, I would like some time ahead to figure out how I feel about it. Don't worry, I'm an actor, I can totally act surprised still."

---

"Who is definitely important to me, too," Svarik said and took Conrad's hands and wrapped them around himself, leaning into the embrace. "And it's fine," he said. "I'll tell you, just don't want to talk about it on the ship where we're not quite alone."

[VisAnastasis]

I didn't catch everything that happened between you two... but I can guarantee you he'd never adopt you in Being way if he didn't mean it, as he only adopted four people ever.  But, while in the eyes of Beings, you are someone most precious to their Spirit King, in the eyes of humans, the power imbalance between you is great. As far as I understand, early on you had talked about the concept of patrons, and it seemed that with it he was able to see your perspective better, but it stung with him deeply. It is an unfortunate reality, but as long as you're a commoner, and he is a rich nobleman, you'll be viewed as his recent entertainment that can be discarded at any time. He doesn't speak it much, but it affects him greatly when people belittle his love for you into acts of the entertained patron. That's one more reason why he wants to adopt you the human way, to close the power gap more properly. Status as his heir will protect you more. But even adopted children can be disowned, so just adoption is not grand enough for him besides, he can't adopt you right away, and even if just spreading rumours that he's looking into adopting you will help, it isn't enough for Hans. He said he's often approached by other people in theatre who try to coax more favour by bringing you down and think they can take your place. So, basically... what Hans wants to give you is trust that you will want to keep working with him, even when you no longer have to, instead of as things stand now when you have to work for him because he owns the theatre. So, knowing Hans's scale, it's pretty much obvious where his thoughts would go, isn't it, Seine?"Tide smiled faintly, and tensely while observing Senecio's reaction. "Seine... Currently, Hans is a theatre owner, and you are a person who won enough of his favour for him to make you his right hand. When you just met, he introduced you as someone who helps him, but someone who's he keeping on a leash... so, he's giving the leash to you this once. He wants to give you a theathre deed and gift the theathre to you, Seine. You'll be the owner, and he'll be your right hand should you choose him as he choose you before. Do you understand why I said it's in the same time something that would change a lot while not really changing much? You'd still be able to make plays and have all fun you want to... you'll just no longer be helpless employee of fickle nobleman, but one that calls the shot. As long as I'm the person investing and owning everything, Senecio is right, I will always be but his patron, Hans said. With theathre being his, and investments mine, power gap will be more properly balanced. Even when I adopt him later, and all that's mine is his, theathre will be something that's forever only his own, and can't be taken away from him, and I want to give him more things of his own so that he's more secure, instead of having him depend on me for everything and he insecure I'd take it all away from him if we happen to argue, Hans said... "

---

"I didn't mean that it has to be now. I just wanted you to keep it in mind for when it comes to such things, "Conrad leaned heavily towards him, indeed, as if worn out by the unexpected direction of the conversation and drawing strength and reassurance from Svarik's closeness. " I didn't think we'd talk of all this now, either, it just turned out that way. I was a bit proud of myself, you see, as I was picking up what romantic thing I can do. I thought you might be nervous about Lipka coming and the talk, so I wanted to make your night with something nice and romantic. I even went as far to sneakily pass through my music notes with Melody while you talked with Erdel, and refined lyrics for a love song I made for you two. I thought it would be quite cool and romantic of me if I sang you guys a song while we watch the stars as we go back... But you always ruin my pedant overthought plans with simple joys and perfect reality. How can I want to release my hands to play a lute, when I am so perfectly trapped? " he murmured, and indeed, while before he would try to be more respectfully restrained so he wouldn't make Svarik uncomfortable, his embrace really felt unusually clingy for himself, and he rubbed Svarikj's back while embracing him, almost enough to call it snuggling, as if unable to not express some of his quiet happiness in that way. " Even Melody's grip is stronger than yours, yet I can't bring myself to want to move a breath away. Nobody in the world can hold me down with such silly, feeble trap, but you. It is a comfortable, soothing honeytrap, a present that smells like dandelions, cotton candy, and spiced milk... The trap is made of golden joy, not chains. It is no wonder it's impossible to leave... "

[Mirach]

"A whole theatre?" Senecio blinked. "Damn... That really is quite a present. Heh, that will really piss off some people," he grinned. "Thank you for the warning, this is a gift I need dome time to deal with. Owning a theatre is not like owning some nice boots, or a carriage. I... I still would need money, too. The theatre needs renovations and investments, and the actors need pay. I'm getting the impression Hans would give me what I need, but it's a nebulous concept to me. How do I ask him for money without feeling awkward? Patronage is easier, more familiar. I think our understanding of it differs, though. To me, a father is someone who wants to mold you to his own will, but good patron is someone who sees the art you do, and supports you in making it because he appreciates you and your art as you are. Sure, a patron can dislike you, but that also true for any other relationship. Also, he gives you money without you having to awkwardly ask for it... It is an honor for an artist to have a patron. But I think Hans sees it differently.  Okay, hm..." he paused to think. "We were talking about what I want. I think I have a bit of a clearer picture now. I want to be with you, and I want to make plays with Hans and act in them. That's what I like most. Owning the theatre is nice for the power over what's going on there. But I'm not a businessman, I don't know how to find best offers for renovation materials or sell tickets, and don't want to spend my time on that when I could be playing pretend about a Beast King with you instead. Being a theatre director is a full-time job that I would rather leave to someone else while I stay an actor... who just, coincidentally owns the theatre."

---

Svarik smiled. "You just need to say a word and I'll let you go. What a devious trap indeed..." He turned and kissed Conrad on the lips, slow and light.

[VisAnastasis]

" Hans would never throw more obligations on you in the guise of a gift. He was doing all management needed in the meantime, anyway. He can still keep doing the same as your right hand in theatre. But in the long run, he was looking into talking with you to soon hire a proxy in secretary position, to take over necessary tasks, so that you two can have more time to do things you like. You must have wondered how Hans is so relatively free despite his huge estate and underground status. He used to do a lot on his own before, but in the last hundred years, he has delegated most of his tasks to various aides and only oversees everything. It would be a nightmare and a full-time job if he had to manage all his assets on his own. He only steps in when there's trouble or only he should be privy to information, like in his communications with Sir Falcon. In past, he delegated so much, so he could have as much time as he could to deal with Bull priests and legal troubles, and a careful balancing act so we don't get into conflict with emperors... it is nice to see him delegate things so he could do something fulfilling, for a change, " Tide whispered, watching Senecio wonderingly, as he explained gently. " I know it's hard to feel Hans's sincerity sometimes... it is so veiled up in layers of money and superfluous richness. But we were poor for most of our life, you see, and we rarely had a stable base in the first layer for more than a few years. Only reason why we could stay here long enough to gather wealth is that Janus got uncorrupted 3 centuries ago. Only someone with the type of skills like Janus can create complex enough protection and concealing charms in buildings to hide Beings from the Spirit world properly. Without Janus, building our house as safe as it is wouldn't be possible... so lot of Hans's pride is tied to things he owns, now that he can't Sing. He doesn't want people he loves to feel poverty as acutely as the two of us did. Likewise, he wouldn't just throw a theatre full of expenses on you just to humble you with having to ask him for money when you can't afford to maintain it. That's why he also rushed to do a lot of basic maintenance and rebuilding of the stage, and he also set up a trust fund for you, where he put double what would be enough to pay everyone, and to make lot of renovations for a year, as a theatre investment that would start operating once ownership passes to you officially... That's what he set aside enough for a year, because he hopes he'll be able to adopt you much sooner, and after adoption, theatre funds can be just taken automatically from his personal investment funds. We begged on more than one occasion during our lives, Seine, and he doesn't want you to beg. He does not even want you to feel awkward to ask. Hans does not want to mould you to his own will. He has no use for someone exactly as himself. If he did, he'd never abandon all comforts of Spirit Kingdom just to live off dirt with someone silly like me, "the creature smiled wistfully. " He appreciated you as a person, not an artist. He doesn't hang out with you because you're a great actor, like patron would, and you don't hang out with him just because he's a great writer, do you? From where I see it, it's perfectly understandable why he doesn't want you to see him as a money bag who will only keep giving you money as long as you do well when his relationship with you has nothing to do with whether your theatre is successful or not... "

---

Man returned it shyly. More than with Svarik's offer for intimacy directly, the fact Svarik was open to it felt like a stronger reassurance that meadow king indeed doesn't feel unsafe with him. It seemed most of Conrad's vigilance was tied to his fear of accidentally causing him distress. With some of that vigilance finally dissipating, the man seemed a little freer, as if the great burden was lifted from him. He closed his eyes ever so slightly, and raised his hand to brush Svarik's hair, passing across it and holding the back of his head, as if trying to steady his shaking arms against it.
" The problem is wanting it... How can I possibly want to escape something so lovely?" he whispered to his ear as kiss ended, and as his lips were free now, unexpectedly, he cupped king's face with his hands, and instead of upon the lips, he planted a kiss on his forehead... and then another, and another one, covering Svarik's forehead and cheeks with chaste shy kisses while brushing his hair, speaking between kisses. " Have you ever felt so fiercely grateful to someone... that you felt like you could kiss them? I have... but I never did. I never thanked you without restraint... of how much affection is proper for best friend to give. Not with just warm words, but with full sincerity... proportionate to how desperate I was to lose you. Thank you, so much... for fighting so hard... for staying alive after the Long night... for enduring everything so bravely... Thank you for sticking through thick and thin with me, fickle as I am... "he laughed with a sob. " I am so sorry for not thanking you sooner. It is so long overdue it's funny... "

[Mirach]

"Ive also been poor, so I get it. But it's still a bit awkward to me, to get so many things for free. It's easier to justify it to myself somehow, and the patronage is the justification that's easiest to accept. In truth, I don't really see him a patron, more like a friend that I enjoy hanging out with and doing fun and creative things together. Thats all I really want, and feel like its more than being a patron or adopted family. At least to me."

---

"I should thank you too. I wouldn't make it without you, but you already know that," Svarik whispered, tearing up a little. "I'm just so grateful that we can be in this moment. It's been so hard to get here, but we did..."

[VisAnastasis]

" If you feel bad about receiving too much, you know you can always make him a gift back, you know. Both gift and naming culture are pretty big things in the Being world. It doesn't have to be something expensive, as long as it's sincere. Few Beings are as rich as Hans, after all. It's sincerity that's important. Take Janus for example. He knows you like elegant and pretty things, so when he was choosing the design for your key for the basement level this morning, he asked Hans to bring him the most elegant keys he has as a reference, and he asked all of us Beings present to make a vote on his sketches so that he can pick a most suitable design for you. Did you notice your key is simple and sleek, but has the subtle thorny rose engraving at the head of the key? He was quite serious when he explained that he didn't want the key to look too ornate so it wouldn't be heavy or overdesigned for your taste, but he wanted some nice detail tailored just for you, so he picked a rose because you seemed to love that giant rose bouquet you got from Hans, and since you like pain, he thought little thorns would be something more true to you, and something you'd like more than empty pretty swirls, devoid of meaning. He made similar kinds of personifications on heads of keys for children's keys, too. He's a little clumsy, but he gets the spirit... You don't have to get expensive things, meaningful things will do, " Tide shared his thoughts brightly. Indeed, he was grinning wildly, for good reason, as it seemed his whole morning was full of cute shenanigans between Janus and Hans who were rebuilding the theatre stage. " You don't have to, of course, even make gifts, if you don't want to force it. Hans wouldn't like a forced gift, anyway, and he doesn't love you for gifts. Only important thing is your sincerity. I'm sure he'd be over the moon, if you merely told him how much you appreciate him more often. He's weak to praise and affection, really. And I think what friendship is in your eyes, adopted family is in Hans's, and that's why he wants to show you that you are more than just a friend in his eyes. After all, with eternity, both me and him have many people we are on friendly terms. But family is different. Hans had many friends in Spirit Kingdom, too, you see... But when war broke out, he left them all, so he could be with me, " demon was smiling softly and wistfully. " I wanted him to stay safe, you know... I desperately tried to convince him to stay... but he wouldn't listen. He got enraged with my pleas, and he slammed his tiny feeble body against me and hit me with those cute weak hands. He grabbed me by the collar, trying to shake me like there's no tomorrow, unsuccessfully so, and through tears, he furiously dared me to escape without him only if I want to court death, "the creature chuckled, as if at the warmest memory in the world. " My Llyr is fiercest, most spiteful Spirit there is... His love isn't for everyone. It's more of a raging storm, than a gentle wind. But I adore him, fierce as he is... I am really happy those days, seeing him more lively again, much more like himself, after he met you... "

---

" Indeed. It was... so terribly hard, " maybe for the first time more openly, Conrad dared to admit what he, who always boasted he could do everything and that it's all easy, normally never would. Perhaps not able to hide it when seeing Svarik's expression so close, his eyes welled up with tears as well, and he tried to hide them from others, by leaning his forehead gently against Svarik's, as he kept caressing his hair. It seemed to take his whole willpower not to cry. " You... are so fragile... I always feel like you can slip right between my fingertips if I am not careful... like that day at long night. It doesn't matter that you got back. I still saw you die. Living those couple minutes without you was... unspeakable. Thank you so much... for being born into this world, and staying in it, " he whispered hoarsely, his whole heart bared fiercely in the statement. " Me without you was a person who wanted to kill all vampires because they were too big a liability. We without you was a person who distrusted Simbel, and at first even treated him like pond on my property and threatened to restrict him if he dares to be too greedy or demand to be treated like a god, heh... Me without you would have been a tyrant ruler on a lonely throne drenched in blood, or a corpse in a lonely grave. You always dragged me, heavy and forlorn as I am, kicking and grumbling, into choices good for me. " his hand caressing meadow king's hair was shaking even more. " Me without you would have been an incredibly lonely and forlorn existence. My knowledge would be empty, without your wisdom. Really... thank you, for always filling in where I lack. Thank you... "

[Mirach]

"So, he gives me money as a gift, and I can give him a gift in return. Maybe something I'm good at, like acting or make up. That’s how patronage works, to me. But in human culture, money is power, so a gift that’s worth more money will be always seen as more worthy from the outside, even if nobody says it aloud. Is it different in Being culture? What determines the perceived value of a gift?"

---

"You're the one who almost killed yourself with your own melancholy, but sure, I'm the fragile one," Svarik smiled shakily. "Thank you too... I feel like we're both fragile in a different way, and wouldn't really make it without each other."

[VisAnastasis]

" Actually, in Being culture, the expensive gift is most of the time a sure way to earn a grudge. If you try to push it onto Beings you'd be seen as an unsightly person trying to indebt them by force. Anything that feels like an attempt to suck up to win their favour is unpleasant, " Tide explained. " The most important metric of Being gifts is sincerity. How deeply were you thinking about a person's tastes and needs, how much effort did you go through to get something meaningful... Let's go through some examples. " Demon suddenly grinned as he spoke softly as if giving him a treat. " Hans gave a lot of things to Janus those days... but those are all things with the clear purpose of trying to tie Janus down here and make him live here. Janus knows Hans has good intentions, and he does need those things, like childcare items, or a home for children to live in, and he is grateful, but it is a shackle he accepts, not something one can bond over. On the other hand, take the wallet you gave Janus for example. When Hans bought you a new one, you gave your old one to him because you didn't need it any longer and thought it may be of more use to him. You may not have put too much thought into that particular one, but still - it was so clearly and transparently well-meaning, simple gift with no greed or wishes to indebt him, only wish to be of help to him. You took him out to teach him about buying things, answered his anxious questions as clearly as you could without making him feel lacking for not knowing, patiently waited for him to calm down when he'd panic during transactions, and then wrapped up the whole meeting by giving him something to remind him of you and keep him grounded while shopping alone in the future. So, it's more accurate to mark the event as a whole as a gift than a wallet... He was quite cute this morning, in how gently he handled that wallet while we waited for him to buy cookies for the tea party, and he'd often fiddle with it when nervously waiting for the change. It may not have been hard for you and you might have not thought much about it - but it was something "he" really needed. Sincerity can be in any form... It can be in making homemade meals you know someone loves the most or doing something only you can do that other one needs, or waiting in a long line to get someone their favourite sweets. In your case, it can be in giving away painful scorched blood from your surgery to someone who eats pain with no ulterior motives whatsoever but to feed them. It is in giving away a happy memory to buy a balm to soothe the pain of someone you care for, or in sharing your special makeup ingredients and the formula with someone with a scarred face and always pouring your heart into covering their face and never being sloppy because you can see it's important to them. It is going out of your way to make the coolest play in the world just because your boyfriend wanted to see it and it was important to him. It is placing colourful sprinkles and sweets in seashells, or gathering nice driftwood and crunchy sand without being asked to, just because you genuinely wanted to give someone a meal suited for their taste, " Being still couldn't stop smiling, despite Senecio's more cynic remarks. " You always undersell yourself, just because it comes innately to you, so whatever you decide on, as long as you're deciding out of sincerity, not anxieties, I know you'll do great.  Your sincerity was always dazzling, and it's natural for Beings to be drawn to it...  "

----

" Well, with the weight of my crimes and remorse, it was hard not to be melancholic. Many fates rest on my shoulders and many people stand to lose too much when I don't give my best, so what kind of fragility can I afford? A bloody major, an underground leader, a faulty glue stretched out too thin, desperately trying to hold the country together... What right do I have to falter even more? " Conrad bit his lip. " Yet... when I'm with you, silly immature thoughts swirl through my mind like a storm. Long-forgotten, selfish desires return to me... Desires to be petulant, needy, and fragile... " Timidly and carefully, the man lowered his head to the side. He trustfully leaned it against Svarik's shoulder, as if hiding in his embrace, indeed, allowing himself to be uncharacteristically clingy. " I keep showing you my undignified side. I want to say childish, whiney, unreasonable things... like, please, let me stay like this for a while. A proper boyfriend would use this perfect chance to sing you a song he wrote for you, but I yearn to make immature petty excuses. Not being able to hold you is too high a price to pay for having my arms free to hold and play lute... I feel too fragile to pay such a toll right now... "

[Mirach]

"So, what I get from this is that I probably shouldn't overthink it," Senecio murmured. "Overthinking is... usually not good with me. And should we go already? It's getting a bit late. Which of the cocktails from here would Hans enjoy, do you think?"

---

"I don't want a proper boyfriend when I can have you being needy with me. It's so precious to have you like this. Please don't leave..." Svarik whispered.  

[VisAnastasis]

" We don't have a bedtime, you know. Nothing in the world is tying us down... We can leave if you'd like, or stay if you'd like. I told you to pick as you feel is best. We could even stay over for the night for a change of scenery, I'd have enough money for the inn. " Tide made sure to clarify, before answering Senecio's question. " But if you've had enough adventure for one day and are craving to go back home, it would be a cute idea, to bring Hans a taste of the journey, even though we bailed on him and didn't kidnap him too. I am good at making cocktails and have lots of ingredients at home, but there's nothing quite like someone sharing a piece of their adventure with you and bringing you something that made them think of you. So, just browse the menu, and simply pick something that you'd feel would be such a waste not to give him. If you aren't too familiar with his taste yet, while he often buys the most expensive things when he needs to show off dramatically, Hans rather likes things with soothing fruit or flowery scents. Food like apple pies with a soft crust, or pancakes with fruit jams, or juices that don't contain anything bitter like a lemon or orange that can sting if too thick, or cocktails with strong scents of flowers... things that feel refreshing and soothing and don't sting the throat. Oh, since you're picking drinks, not food, it's not relevant right now, but for the future's sake, just make sure to never get him anything oily or too strong, like eggs, sausages, fried skewers, or any oily things like that. He doesn't handle oily or scorched fool well, after his imprisonment, and would throw up if unprepared. Spiced food is fine, but he doesn't handle anything bitter too well. With most things with gentler flavour, or sweets and desserts, you have a win. Hans has quite a sweet tooth, he just likes more gentle things and doesn't have as much of a universal sugar rush sweet tooth as me who can easily empty a dessert shop in one go when there are a lot of shiny things in it. "

---

" You're spoiling me too much... I was high enough maintenance as a friend, how are you even going to cope if I become even more overbearing? " Falcon couldn't help but smile. He did not raise his head, though, and made himself more comfortable in Svarik's hold, and carefully closed his eyes, his shoulders slowly relaxing and slouching more against him. Indeed, after the emotionally charged conversation, the unexpected direction it took, and the reassurance Svarik felt that safe with him, it seemed the man felt a little embarrassed and disoriented and desired the comfort of his closeness. " I liked spending time with you so naturally that I never noticed the point from which liking spending time turned into loving it, and from which loving it turned into needing it... I owe an earnest apology to everyone I thought acted foolish when they fell in love. I didn't know it would be like this... I truly didn't... "

[Mirach]

"Okay, then I know what I'll get him. We don't have a bedtime, but I'm tired and I'd like to go home already," Senecio said and went to the bar to ask for a cocktail he could take with him.

---

Svarik hummed in agreement and held Conrad close, enjoyinh the last part of the trip as the stars shone anove them and the ship was sailing back to the shore.

[VisAnastasis]

Tide make sure to freeze it so it wouldn't spill and it would be safe on the way back. When they were ready to depart, he wrapped up Senecio comfortably in cloak before he leaped back, carrying him in his arms.
By the time they arrived, others have returned, and while Svarik and Conrad left for theatre, Melody and Erdel brought Death back safely and were currently with him to make sure he is alright after chilly trip and isn't lacking anything.
As for Hans, they found him in the common room of the mansion as they got back. There didn't seem to be any emergency or anything serious, but he was talking with one of his aides about some new supplies that he arranged, and judging by his feelings he seemed quite content with conversation. That contentment turned into shy spark of joy when he felt their presence behind his back, and he stopped mid sentence in the talk, and when he turned his head to see them and wave at them, corners of his lips raised up softly right away.

----

Conrad must have really needed the closeness, and despite still getting used to the redefined relationship, more and more as time passed he seemed to allow himself to rely on him and relax more and rest in his presence. As if he forgot about the rest of the world, it was the first time when they were outside at night that he didn't raise his gase to the stars, and kept it against Svarik's shoulder instead, huddled closely without moving, as if stirring would ruin the perfect moment. After a while, as night grew colder, he used the blessing he got from Tide that day, and warmed the air around meadow king, Melody, Erdel and  Death who were closer to them on boat, but he still didn't leave Svarik's side, almost as if testing how just needy he can be. When they got back to the port, they parted from others, and after a timid kiss and hug exchanged with Melody, pat on the back given to Erdel, he was first to take Svarik's hand in his again, looking determined to hold hands all the way to theatre, where Janus waited for the talk with meadow king.

[Mirach]

"Hi," Senecio smiled. "Sorry we bailed on you there. We... well, we don't really have an excuse, we just felt like it. Here, we brought you a coctail," he said and after Tide has defrosted it, he presented it to Hans with a little bow and a shower of sparks.

---

"Do you want to wait for me while I talk to him or go with me?" Svarik asked before knocking, as he still didn't let go of Conrad's hand.

[VisAnastasis]

The little smile turned into a wide dazzling grin with the sparkles and dramatic gesture.  
"Oh... And here I was, planning to guilt trip you to death for going on a family outing without me... but damn, as far as apology gifts go, this one is very cute, " He chuckled, and took the glass, not drinking it yet, but bringing it closer to savour the scent first. He looked a bit flustered, clearly surprised by the unexpected gift. " Well, since guilt tripping is off the table now... really, don't worry about it. You did look like you were dancing on the edge of a panic attack for most of the day, so it's good you got to unwind a bit. And I also got to do some resupplying work in the meantime, so it worked out. "

"Were you arranging additional supplies for Beings that are staying over currently? "Tide bid curiously looking at new boxes.

" I was mostly going through lists of things that arrived this afternoon. A lot of Beings are around those days, because of the play, and some new ones missed the premiere and are waiting for the next show, so I have to make sure we order everything they might need. Speaking of the household, it's a good moment, since I am just finishing up with administration, if you need any speciality items, you can either ask me or order them through servants, I made arrangments to make sure everyone knows it's within your authority, " Spirit informed Senecio, as he began sipping the drink, explaining as he drank brightly. " Regarding your items so far, some of the furniture you ordered the other day arrived, I put it in the warehouse for now, we can take it out and furnish your room when you are in the mood. Likewise, a batch of makeup ingredients arrived today too, I didn't know where you'd like to make experiments, so I put them in Tide's makeup room for now, so you can check them out and play when you feel like it. Oh, on the same note, I also finished arrangements for the soap thing we talked about. It wasn't a hard thing to do, so I made sure to remove all lemon and citrus soaps from our supplies and order lists, so you won't come across them by accident, "he spoke more vaguely - but it was clear he remembered a while ago when they talked about each other's triggers, and when Senecio told him he has dark memories connected to Guliermo and lemon soap scent. " Instead, I bought a big batch of that cinnamon soap brand you mentioned was your favourite, it arrived today as well, I'll make sure it's sprinkled throughout Tide's floor, just make sure to tell me if you're running out so I can order more. "

"Oh, so this is Seine's favourite soap scent? " Tide, who didn't know of the subtext, bubbled up brightly, reaching for one of the new supplies boxes, taking out one soap, and biting into it playfully to taste it instead of smelling it. He chuckled with a crunchy sound. " It's delicious! Seine, would you like me to mould the soap into some cute shape, like a heart or flower? Making shapes soaps is one of my hobbies, as you can see, I have plenty of different-shaped bubbly soaps in bathrooms on my floor. Do you like cute soap shapes? I can change it to any cute shape you'd like. "

---

Conrad seemed reluctant to part, as he seemed to enjoy the closeness of the date so far, but in the end, he gathered resolve to shake his head at last.
" It's tempting... but we're dealing with anxious and frail Being here. As great at negotiations, as I am, my presence is more imposing, so it would bring needless pressure. You're way better at negotiating warmly and soothing people than me, so this is a task you'll do great, anyway, "he praised him gently, and patted his back reassuringly with his free hand, as he encouraged him. " I believe in you, and I know you will make the best deal you possibly can, and whatever conditions you agree with, I'll help you fulfil them. So don't worry about anything, just be yourself and do your best, my sweet star. You've got this. "

[Mirach]

"Sure," Senecio smiled. "Can you make a duck? I feel like a duck would be the best shape for a soap."
"Thank you," he nodded to Hans. "I can't wait to play with the make up supplies after the rehearsal tomorrow. When's the rehearsal?"

---

Svarik smiled at him, and then gently knocked on the door and announced himself.

[VisAnastasis]

" I arranged it at nine in the morning, as I was originally going to rehearse the main role myself, and I thought you'd probably not wake up until noon as you're a late sleeper, so I wanted to finish rehearsals by the time you wake up, so I don't miss anything do you two guys silly shenanigans, "Hans explained simply. As he finished drinking the cocktail, he was shy about it and tried to pass it off as a natural gesture, but he carefully cleared the glass of droplets with his napkin, and then sneakily put it into the endless bag he carried at his waist - he meant to keep it for memory, as Beings seemed to like keeping little mementos of important moments. Spirit kept on talking as if to distract him from what he was doing. " I know you hate waking up early, so should I reschedule it for sometime later? It'll be easy, they might just grumble a bit, but I'll put on a super respectful apology letter and a little bonus and it will even things out. When should I put it? "

---

There was a short hesitation before a quiet voice carefully invited him in. Previously, the basement level below the stage Svarik saw was dark and dusty, but now, after renovations, everything looked much clearer and was fresh and spacious. There was little furniture for now, but everything so far, like little shelves with jars of cookies, childlike photo frames and a sofa, and tablecloths and blankets embroidered with pastel colours, was picked to make the place more welcoming and comfortable for the children.

At a corner of the room where there was more furnished resting space, the main furniture piece was a kitchen table with a couple of armchairs, and sitting at a table, Janus awaited Svarik. That day, when Senecio was there, the table was filled with teacups and cakes for the tea party, but now, it was full of various little trinkets and building supplies stacked up high. It had many open children's storybooks, placed as if research materials, and many little pieces of papers, crafts, and gear. Likewise, there were three boxes of different colours, so far half filled with things - it seemed the creature was preparing some gifts for his three apprentices while waiting for Svarik.

Being was very anxious and nervous about meeting, though, as he seemed tense and unsure how to greet the king. He hadn't tried to clean up the table yet or stand up as if frozen up in deciding what would be the socially expected thing to do in the situation, and he seemed a little embarrassed about welcoming Svarik with a messy table, but as he didn't know when meadow king would arrive he couldn't help it.

[Mirach]

"I think it's okay at nine. I'd like to go to bed earlier today, I'm feeling a bit tired. And the less time I have to stress before the rehearsal, the better."

---

"I'm sorry to interrupt your fascinating work," Svarik said. "May I take a seat?" he asked and pulled a chair to the table and sat down so that Janus wouldn't need to get up.

[VisAnastasis]

"I see, I'll leave it as it is, then, and naturally, I'm coming either way as support. Remember, either way, if you feel overwhelmed, it's okay to bail. It's a good enough step forward that you had the courage and tried your best, and I'm confident enough in my skills to be able to do the role well even without much rehearsals, so don't worry about anything, "Hans reassured him anew.
"I'll come tomorrow to watch rehearsals, too, "Tide confirmed his previous promise to support him enthusiastically while fiddling with soap. "If you're waking up early, would you like to go to sleep right away, then? Or did you have any other plans? "he asked carefully - it was clear he was trying to make sure he was well tended to, without being misunderstood as trying to pressure him to sleep with him before going to sleep, even though they'd often sleep together before nighttime. " Would you like me to prepare you some nice scented bubble bath first, or are you just exhausted and want to go to bed right away? So far, you were usually, hm, so tired out that you'd fall asleep nearly instantly, so I'm not sure what you usually like doing before sleeping when you're not too sleepy yet. Would you like to play some board games before you get sleepy? Or would you perhaps like me to read you some nice book as you drift asleep? Most of the books on my floor are romance books with happy endings and love poems, though, so I'm not sure if you'd like it... "
" If you prefer some more varied reading... you can always stop by some of my rooms and borrow some books you feel like, "Hans coughed, as he didn't want to impose on them if they had other plans. " We're both quite big hoarders, Tide and I, though I mostly hoard and preserve books, not things, so most of the rooms on my floor of the mansion are packed full of books. It's probably the biggest private library collection on the continent, really, and you are going to be my heir and all... So, what I am saying, is you can invite yourself in any room and borrow books whenever you feel like it. Likewise, uhm, well... If you have some dramatic romantic plans in mind instead, I'll come up with a regretful excuse as to why I'm too busy to join you, but if you're actually just reading books... I could always come and be the one who reads. Tide gets overly excited and bubbly when he reads, anyway, so between us, I'm a much better narrator, and even though Tide can't sleep, when he'd be in the mood to be read to, I'd often tuck him in and tell him stories... "

---

It seemed Svarik breaking the silence helped Janus a little, as he was too overwhelmed and unsure how to greet him in light of their upcoming talk. Breaking the ice helped him a little, and he seemed a bit encouraged.
"Would you like... some tea and human snacks to go with the seat you took? "he smiled frailly. " I apologise for greeting you in a mess. It wasn't planned, out of disrespect of any kind. I am just in a little time crunch until the morning. You see, um... "he paused for a moment as if trying to offer a transparent explanation for the sorry cluttered state of the table. " Birthday dates aren't mandatory on human birth certificates, only year of birth. I asked Hans to check it a couple of days ago, and he couldn't find birthday dates for the children. They never celebrated, so they did not know either. I asked them to pick any dates in years they felt wanted, but they said it's okay if we just put the same day to it and not make a big deal out of it, and they picked tomorrow. They didn't want to burden me with it and said it's fine if I just buy them some nice human sweets. I am not fine with it, though. It would linger as a sad thought in my mind if I didn't at least try to make their first birthday celebration a sincere one... So I ordered three small colour-coded human cakes for them, and rainbow coloured candles, and pastel friendly plates, and I am going to stay in the gardens of our residence tonight, to build them a tree house from a children's storybooks they like, "he explained himself timidly while fiddling with one bright golden ribbon" It just doesn't feel right to just point fingers at the treehouse and just say it's theirs.... and all children book illustrations I consulted have big wrapped presents. So, I'm currently evenly distributing various useful items for their three gifts. I was sure I'd finish it before you came, but I never stacked boxes with gifts before, and pile gets spread out as it's filled, so it's taking me longer to fill it to the top than I thought it would... "

[Mirach]

"A bubble bath sounds amazing," Senecio said. "And it's been ages since someone has read to me before bed. It feels a bit childish. It's fine to feel a bit childish, right? Because I'd like it."

---

"Oh, so tomorrow was decided as their birthday? May I bring some presents as well? And I can help you with the wrapping if you want," Svarik offered.

[VisAnastasis]

That seemed to fire up Hans with determination, his ears perked up.
" My, I'm going to have to bring my A game tonight, then... Not that I'm building myself up for no reason, mind you, but I am a goddamn delight when it comes to doing character voices. Nobody has a better or longer narrating career than me, so look forward to it, lemon cake, " he explained, dramatically clenching hands in fists and raising them up. " Is there any book you'd specifically like, or genre you'd prefer? And would you like some snacks to nibble on with Tide while I read? It's no good to be lukewarm when we're already doing a sleepover party, so let's make it damn count! "
Tide laughed brightly at Hans's passion, with a clear sparkle of warmth and sentimentality - indeed he seemed very hopeful and happy about Spirit's more bright mood since Senecio joined them.
" How about you guys go to Hans's floor and pick out a book while I prepare a bath? " he suggested, returning Hans's passion with his own. " I'm going to make it so soothing and so packed full of bubbles and cinnamon and everything warm and nice that you're going to feel like you're basking in the world's biggest cutest teacup, Seine! "

---

" Would you genuinely want that? " Demon's eyes widened a little. He looked down on the packages thoughtfully, before he shyly whispered. " Whether... it's just out of politeness or kindness, or because you like children... it would be hypocritical of me to try to stop you, you know? I am, after all, but a fly caught in a net of my own compassion, and I do these superficial gestures because the effort is the only thing I can offer... So I'll never look down on your effort, no matter what reason is behind it. If you want to come, you can. And if you want to help me with the presents... you can do that, too, " he replied a little wonderingly in the end and continued as if finding it easier to talk about the children. " Would you like to sample the contents, to share if you feel like it's lacking something? I'm trying to put in the proper amount of sincerity, but I am not sure if there's enough. So far, I have a couple of fun easy human mechanic books I bought today, and some various samples of human medicines like painkillers, so they are stacked up in case they need it. I have pairs of self-warming gloves made by Alpha, in case it sometimes gets a bit chilly down here. I have an effective healing balm I made a deal with local fairies for, in case they get injured but are too anxious to ask for a healer. They have trouble sleeping, so I made them each music box with a couple of songs, that glow in the dark and can play by themselves for a while when you press different buttons. They seemed anxious about cutting their nails with scissors this morning, and it seemed quite an archaic thing, so I brainstormed and designed a simple human clipper of nails that they could use to cut their nails easily without cutting themselves. It can get dusty in here, so I got them a hair-cleaning liquid and body balm from a local nature Spirit that smells like pure spring flowers, so they can feel nice and clean. I got them each an artefact that can alert me in case of danger, and artifact that can create a little shield around themselves in case of emergency... Do you think it's enough? I haven't wrapped bows around each item yet, and after putting everything in, I also planned to make a lot of colourful origami roses and stack them up in the remaining free space, so you could help me with that if you'd like... Still, I keep browsing through references to see if I'm missing anything. It feels like a lot, but also sort of not enough at the same time, but I can't put a name to what could possibly be lacking... "