Senecio adn Tide II

[Mirach]

"I'm trying to explain it, but I'm tierd of doing it already. I'm not able to feel love. That died with the fairies. I am fond of her, but I know how love felt and what I feel to her is not it. And she wants it from me and I can't give it and that just makes me feel guilt instead of love. If it would only be about the option that she would be killed, I fear it but I could deal with it. But the option of corrupting her because I can't give her what she wants is much more terrifying, and I don't know what how to deal with that. Just love her and she won't be corrupted, you say. But how am I to love her when my love is dead?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Xia could grow corrupted if she is feeling unloved for too long... But everyone defines the feeling of being loved differently. Xia wouldn't have felt free with you if you didn't treat her the way that made her feel loved. In my opinion, treating someone good is more important than fighting over definitions. But I am not saying all this because of her alone. I am saying it for your sake you, too. "the demon whispered, trying a different approach. "You are starved. Your situation is the opposite of Xia... You need to be put in a position where you can give to others. Or are you denying how obsessed you were to heal my hand, to heal Cernunnos, to heal Erdel? But if you only focus on healing, you'll just have a handful of chances for that. You need more. So why not change your mindset? After all, a gift is important as long as it's valuable to the person getting it. And weren't your talks with Xia important for her? Wasn't it a gift for her when you reassured her about eating animals? Wasn't it a gift for her that you cuddled with her so much and always felt safe with her, for her who was made to protect? Wasn't it a gift for her that you always remembered to give her a bite of your food? Was it not a gift for her that you trusted her enough to lay your life in your hands as we made the escape here? " he shook his head. " Sure, her human language skills suffered from not learning new words, but still, why was that? Because in you she found someone that understood her own language and she could hold conversations with freely. Those were all things important to her, that you've given her. Isn't it amazing, to know you've provided someone with such value? Love you claim is highest thing one can give is a feeling... but how you treat each other is the truth of whatever you have. If you are willing to snuggle with her, feed her from your hand like many times before, read her books, teach her new things, and spend time with her... how are all those precious gifts not as magnificent as love? And if you may have a chance to give important things to someone so easily... why not? Little things, that you can use to practice. Love doesn't manifest spontaneously out of anywhere. You need to grow it, out of many acts that add up. Why not? After all, being able to channel your feelings into acts is one of the best ways to give you more chance to escape growing corrupted, too. For Xia, you have done what to you was little, but to her a lot... And her love was able to bloom, like a seed. Every person you meet plants a seed in your heart, but only you have the choice to let it stay or tear it out. And withdrawing into yourself is equal to pulling its roots out of the soil. What's the point of saying something can never be if you're not willing to try? Healing takes courage and guts. How can you climb a mountain if you choose to never move? You don't have to run. It's perfectly fine to crawl. All of us crawled at some point..."

[Mirach]

"I just want to be her friend, that's all," Death said tiredly. "I don't want anything more. But neither anything less. And I feel like it's spiralling out of control..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I think your definitions of friendship... must be different," he noted the same thing as Jake, but in a warmer, softer tone. " You both are so different... You have so much to offer to each other. But you must be on equal terms. You must understand that she is a child, barely even a month old... Just like she must understand you perceive world uniquely. " he whispered. " You do, from what I've seen. To not manifest any organ of bodily pleasure... you must really not adhere desire, from the core of your being. Emotional pleasure is the highest one for you... And how could you have any of such thing, with everyone wanting to kill you, and the pressure of an only person close to you desiring you physically? " he bid, his voice wavering a little. " I know it is a heavy burn and a heavy thing to ask... But please, understand that emotional pleasure is all Xia wants to give you, no more or less. But you have to let her. She won't grow up sooner unless pain forces her to. Her feelings to others are pure, and emotional pleasure is the highest form for her, too - through sharing it with you, she grew fond of you. If you want to get control of this situation, you need to absolve your control over her. You ask her to not say she loves you, to not call you an uncle, to not acknowledge you a person of worth to her - to treat you differently than her heart tells her to. How can you be a worthy friend to her, if you reject her truth? Likewise, she would not be a worthy friend to you, if she demanded more than emotional pleasure from you. Your feelings are yours, but hers are hers, too. It's not her fault that only way you're comfortable with other's people's feelings and acts to you is when they're lukewarm... Whenever there's anything more profound and real involved, you get cold feet... "  

[Mirach]

"What am I supposed to do then? I really don't know how to handle something like this. I can't think of love without remembering my fairies. I can't think of friendship without remembering Riversong," Death said.

št 5. 12. 2019 o 0:08 VisAnastasis [via Cherrizon 2] <[hidden email]> napísal(a):

" I think your definitions of friendship... must be different," he noted the same thing as Jake, but in a warmer, softer tone. " You both are so different... You have so much to offer to each other. But you must be on equal terms. You must understand that she is a child, barely even a month old... Just like she must understand you perceive world uniquely. " he whispered. " You do, from what I've seen. To not manifest any organ of bodily pleasure... you must really not adhere desire, from the core of your being. Emotional pleasure is the highest one for you... And how could you have any of such thing, with everyone wanting to kill you, and the pressure of an only person close to you desiring you physically? " he bid, his voice wavering a little. " I know it is a heavy burn and a heavy thing to ask... But please, understand that emotional pleasure is all Xia wants to give you, no more or less. But you have to let her. She won't grow up sooner unless pain forces her to. Her feelings to others are pure, and emotional pleasure is the highest form for her, too - through sharing it with you, she grew fond of you. If you want to get control of this situation, you need to absolve your control over her. You ask her to not say she loves you, to not call you an uncle, to not acknowledge you a person of worth to her - to treat you differently than her heart tells her to. How can you be a worthy friend to her, if you reject her truth? Likewise, she would not be a worthy friend to you, if she demanded more than emotional pleasure from you. Your feelings are yours, but hers are hers, too. It's not her fault that only way you're comfortable with other's people's feelings and acts to you is when they're lukewarm... Whenever there's anything more profound and real involved, you get cold feet... "  

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NAML

[VisAnastasis]

" But she is neither your fairies, neither Riversong. And isn't that awesome? Just like I am not Grendel, Xia is all her own, completely different and magnificent in her own right, no matter the similarities. " Tide whispered, with a little faint, hopeful smile. " Isn't it great, that I am not Grendel, Death, just because I am a demon king? I know Heart of the mountain grows in spirals... that tales of the world repeat... but they are never quite the same. I thought you were getting along quite well with Xia while you considered her just herself. Only when you drew an unfortunate comparison today, things suddenly changed. Likewise, we had a pretty bad start, when you only sow me as a demon king. But I'd say that now that you have grown to know me as Tide and seen me for who I am, I can quite say that I enjoy much more where we are going. It is nice... " he admitted unexpectedly. " To know you and be known by you. I know you don't love me yet - but has it occurred to you that two people can be good friends even if they don't feel with the same intensity to each other? Despite the differences in our intensities, I think we can get along and look forward to getting along with you. Come on, be honest. I really doubt you look at me, for example, and think of Riversong... To be honest, I am not quite sure what you'd be thinking of when we're together, but pretty sure it's not that, at least... "

[Mirach]

"I sometimes do think of him," Death admitted. "It's hard not to compare..."

(OOC: Sorry, I'm totally uninspired to write this talk with Death. He's aromantic asexual, enough said, but I don't know how to wrap it up. Could we move on somehow?)

[VisAnastasis]

" Oh? But... what comparison is there? " Demon seemed surprised. " I don't know what impression I give... but I really am not secretly falling for you. I can't speak in names of people absent like Erdel or Cernunnos, but why is it so hard to get that neither Xia nor I want you romantically? I'm, like, insanely happy with what I have right now, and while I up often up for a bit of fun, it'd clearly not be fun to be physical with someone whose nature isn't to be, so, no, thanks. " he replied surprisingly confidently. " Xia just wants someone to cuddle with and spend time with, Erdel wants solid support, and pretty sure Cernunnos just wants a huge black snake to cuddle with. It's really not... as deep as it seems. I am as surprised as you but trust me, I really don't desire you, not like that. " he couldn't help but blush a little. " After... being with Senecio, it's really hard for me to think of anyone that way, actually. He's just a whole different level... Desiring you would be like choosing to pursue carrot when you can have a delicious overly sugared Nanaimo bar. I mean... if you enjoy a sugar rush, of course, you will pick a Nanaimo bar... right? "

(OOC: Don't worry, I get it, it feels a bit repetitive after the talk with Jake, it's just that it's hard to let him and Xia keep tense and withdrawn - the conversation just seems going that way. As well, Tide would hardly ignore him withdrawing, it'd worry him. I think it really depends on Death. I know he doesn't have to be instantly convinced, but maybe he'll be a bit assured when Tide talks to him how much he adores Senecio? Tide is hopinh that stating others don't see him like that may help... )

[Mirach]

"Riversong claimed he wanted to be my friend too," Death murmured. "It's hard for me to tell the difference. I can't before it's too late."

[VisAnastasis]

" Well, like my dear Hans would say, how was it? Yes... you had too small sample size. Don't you think it's unrealistic to think every person that wants to be your friend desires you just because one single friend you had felt so? " Tide asked shyly. " Would it help if I told you what I do want? Honestly, above all... I want to be surprised. I want to see where this road takes us, unrestrained, spoiler-free. It could be anywhere, and isn't it exciting? But I do not wish to have you like that. It is just... You are not Senecio. I want Senecio like I want a nanaimo bar. To devour it until my stomach aches. You? I desire to have, but like one desires... a beautiful porcelain doll. " he gulped, looking down on his hand shyly. " I want to dress you in pretty clothes, braid your hair and play with you. Won't you... play with me? "

[Mirach]

Death hid his face in his palms. "I don't know! I don't understand these things!"

[VisAnastasis]

Tide's face fell, and his expression grew guilty. Slowly, hesitantly, as if it took all his strength to overcome the reluctance, he laid a hand lightly on Death's shoulder, unsure, as if ready to withdraw at a sign of being unwanted.
" I didn't... mean to upset you more." he cleared his throat, speaking, although barely, through teeth. " But we were one, not so long ago. I thought you understood... I am adaptable. Like water, I fill the shape of the container I'm put in. My feelings respond to others' feelings, like my mind. Because of my adaptability, my mood is influenced easily. Senecio desires me so, and I am overwhelmed with desire for him in turn. I can not feel any desire for you, because you don't desire me at all. When we were One, it was wonderful... I do not even remember thinking of any physical desire. Do you? Only desire I remember was a desire to explore, to experience, and play... Wasn't it... a good experience for you, too? Playing with me? " he bit his lip. " Or was it only nice for you because it meant you can heal me through it? "

[Mirach]

"That was nice," Death admitted. "Both healing and playing. But I've never been Semai with Riversong, so I cannot compare how it would feel with him. Do you think it would be different because he desired me? I don't know how being Semai with someone who desires you feels and how it is different with you."

[VisAnastasis]

" Of course it would be different. " Tide latched on hopefully, relieved to finally be asked something he could bring reassurance to. " It's not about desire in particular - it's about dissonance. I've heard from sir Falcon of Jake's and Riversong's situation... How being Semai was painful for them and hurt both of them deeply. For them, it wasn't desired in specific, it was a mix of not being ready and lashing out at each other in their own terms. Not being ready to trust each other with their thoughts, not being ready to be one. It's easy enough for general people who just learn of Semai concept and don't expect much to roll with it even with a stranger... but when you are binding yourself with... a stranger that you worry may kill you... " he looked at Death shyly. " It's different. You have to make sure there is no hesitancy anymore, and that you truly want it. If you became my Semai, but secretly distrusted and hated me, it'd be like a painful spear to my mind. If I secretly desired you and you felt all my pent up feelings, it'd be like an arrow of heartache that'd pierce you like lightning. It's about positive feelings. I had to be sure I really wanted to do it before I offer it, otherwise, you'd feel the backlash. And... I hoped to wait until I am sure you may... want it, too, so I don't get backlash, but... " he smiled shyly. " It seems I worried for nothing... "

[Mirach]

Death seemed a little appeased by that. "So if Xia were to be my Semai, do you think it would be the same?" he asked.

[VisAnastasis]

" Right now... I think there would be dissonance. " Tide had to admit. " You are both withdrawn and distrustful, maybe things would resolve itself on their own when you connect, but it's more likely your fear of being desired and her insecurity of being unwanted would clash. But it's really a rule of thumb - one should not become Semai while in argue or disagreement. But after you make peace, I actually think you'd be reasonably compatible. She is rather young, and you're rather knowledgable about the world, so my guess is her boundless energy with your knowledge would result in a pretty interesting Semai. " he smiled a little faintly. " It'd probably be, like, hopping around being in constant awe about everything, adoring rainbows and being awestruck at having intricate knowledge what they are at the same time. Xia is generally mostly restrained by her ignorance of the world, but without inhibitions of ignorance, it'd certainly have extreme hyperactive instincts coming from sudden freedom, and with her incredible range of forms and your wide perspective, you'd probably be rolling in and out of many forms and playing. A little mischevious shapeshifter, most likely. It's a funny thing, actually - when healthy young Beings form a Semai bond, their childishness and playfulness is often very overwhelming, and overflows into Semai form... "

[Mirach]

"Sounds intresting, but a bit tiring," Death said thoughtfully. "I just don't want to make the same mistake as with Riversong twice. But it seems there's plenty of other mistakes to make."

[VisAnastasis]

" Yeah, fears can lead into pretty bad mistakes... Like... As a non specific example..." Demon asked hopefully." A mistake of trying to force someone to suddenly not love you after you spent days sending them positive reinforcement by cuddling with them and sharing foods and emotional intimacy with them? A mistake of telling a child, that has just mustered courage to tell you that it loves you after being insecure after she was unwanted the day she was born, that you do not want her just like Svarik? Just saying...  "  

[Mirach]

Death sighed. "I just wanted to avoid hurting her later, if she expects too much from me.)

(OOC: I started posting my Christmas exchange story: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21771724/chapters/51947389 , it will update tomorrow and then every 3 days, and it only has a bit of hurt and much comfort :))

[VisAnastasis]

" Alright... Why don't we just take a step back... and take a look at the bigger picture? " Demon asked hesitantly. " There's no reason to make excuses... Your actions are not the one who wants to prevent such future, rather ones of one trying to erase the facts of the present with fears of the past. Why is it such a big deal that she - that we care for you, right now? " he asked quietly, but with weight. " Do you plan on punishing yourself and people around you forever by clinging to both past and future instead of the present? You are starved of not being able to give, so why don't you just give us what you are able to give, and let us decide if it's too little for us or not? "


(OOC: I just read the description, Zira handing gifts as Father Christmas and a totally "random" mistletoe, hehe? (^_−)☆ Count me in! I'll leave the review once I read the chapter like always <3

[Mirach]

"It's simple with healing," Death said. "I like when I can give healing. But with giving anything else, I'm afraid to do it because I saw that I'm not always able to give enough no matter how much I try."

(OOC: <3)

[VisAnastasis]

(OOC: Sorry I took a while to reply, I didn't want to reply on the forum before I sent a reply to the story, but last few days I got food poisoning so I didn't really feel well these days, and I wanted to properly reply to the story. I am actually glad a bit more of the story caught up, I love binge-reading, I left a little review of what I loved the most on the latest chapter! <3 )

Demon gritted his teeth, looking somehow saddened.
" It isn't about quantity or quality, actually... It is about flavour. " he paused." Some people like cookies, some people like oranges... You'll never make a person that likes cookies happy even if you gave them a million oranges," he whispered sadly. " I should know. I... am an over-sugared Nanaimo bar, Death. Not everyone has the stomach for me. I am too intense for most. That's why Llyr is so precious to me, why Sage is so reassuring, and why Senecio blows my mind away. It's nice to find the people that find what I can give just right. We are off different flavours. You're not... sugary food. Not food at all. You're milk. A warm and soothing spiced milk. Not everyone is into that... " he gulped. " but I am... "

[Mirach]

(OOC: oh, you really didn't have to wait until you read that! And I hope you're feeling better already! The next chapter is up now and the epilogue will be posted tomorrow. And please, can we wrap this up somehow? I can't wait to get to the play :D)

"I guess it doesn't appeal much when one is not cold but hungry..." Death murmured. "I just want to be sure that neither of you is hungry. And since I don't eat, I don't know how hunger feels and how to discern it."

[VisAnastasis]

( OOC: I thought I'd reply by the day after, but then when I got sick I wasn't feeling up to doing anything, so tab just remained open all that time... And I thought I was alright by today, just a bit exhausted by it all, and I was tired of bland food, so I ate something spicy... and now I feel sick again, hehe XD I'm irreparable, really, but I don't really worry much, you can't die of food poisoning, it's just annoying, so I just have to wait it out :)
And yes, I really look forward to progressing, to interacting with other characters, it got to be quite a long talk, but I am not sure how to end it - if Tide could get at least a bit of confirmation that Death is not getting worse and won't fall into trap of withdrawing himself again more, he'll change the conversation.


" If I did not like milk, I'd not have picked you as Semai. It's not something I could have done just to save you - it wouldn't save you if you entered an unwanted bond. You had to be wanted for it to help. " Tide just said simply this time. " And if Xia didn't want you, she wouldn't pick you, either. So don't you think... It's about time you stop acting as if you taste like trash? I have a very intimate relationship with food and drinks. " demon tried to tease, speaking faintly. " And the only remotely trashy thing here is your attitude. "

[Mirach]

(OOC: Trying to, lol. He just wants to make sure he's understood)

"So you like me as I am, and don't expect anything else? Neither of you?" Death asked.