Senecio adn Tide II

[VisAnastasis]

More than with words, little embers of hope could not help but be rekindled when Death chose to sit down with him. Still, it seemed he was determined to not get ahead of himself, to speak with no bias, and to give him the impartial truth he promised him, clear from any deception.
" Do not... make me, either better or worse person, than I was. I... Riversong might have wanted to help dearly, but he barely could do anything for you. You carried the fate of the world on your shoulders... he could not ever carry the fear of being pushed away. You were always the one getting him out of trouble and were always the one he ran out to for help and comfort... Only once you pleaded to me, if I could bring your faries back... and I could not fulfill your one wish. I was not a healer that could heal you, nor a fighter, that could protect you from Grandel. I... very much agree, that it is without doubt the worst day of your life, but... But finding you in pools of blood and tears, with your wings torn off was... the very worst day of Riversong's life, too, " Ben spoke hoarsely, clenching his fists and looking at them, as if not daring to look up, his speech uneven, as he seemed to be mixing up how he addressed himself, despite his resolve to break away from being Riversong, as if it was particularly hard to think of himself as separate in moments like this. " I could not protect you, I could not bring them back, nor heal you, nor stop the war you hated... All I could do was fixate on one thing that seemed slightly within my reach. If only I could learn to heal souls... I could heal you, and we could be happy again. We could laugh and play again, and everything would be as it was before. It was not really... much more than childish yearning for a happy ending when every day is a nightmare. It was petty childlike jealousy - not really yearning to be either your partner or Semai for the sake of it... more like not wanting to see you choose someone else. Because if you choose someone else, it would mean someone else is more important to you.  It... would be wrong, though, to call what Riversong acted on the result of guilt. He would not feel guilty for being helpless to spare from suffering someone he gave no damn about, " he shook his head slightly, adding with a more bitter, distant voice. " It's just... that yearning to be special to someone, and wanting to be in a relationship with someone are different things. Just like... I did not have to want to be in a relationship with any of them, to want to be special to Jim, Edward and Demian Riversong, " there was clear pain in his eyes, but it seemed Ben was determined to put it into words like this, because he must have felt that was the only way he could explain it in a way Death won't misunderstand. " Just like it hurt so very much... that Riversong was not enough comfort to you to get better, it... hurt so very much... that Demian was ready to sacrifice it all, if there was but the slightest chance for revenge, as if he had nothing left to lose anymore. Suffering drowns your reason, and you yearn to cry, and scream, and plead, and say - I know Jim and Edward are gone, but I am still here. Why can't you see me even when I am right in front of you? " Ben slowly looked up, watching Death's face so very intently, with bated breath, as he waited for his response. " Why can't we try to rebuild together? I know everything is awful, but we still have each other, so why can't we try to be happy enough? But... you can not say anything to him, but nod along, and make yourself small... because you are worried if you act too familiar, too close, too warm... he will tell you not to get ahead of yourself, and dare think you were as important as his real nephew... he will tell you that you were just a mercenary he looked out for, because his nephew was a lonely child that needed companion, and you happened to fill in the role. I... am so very tired, of ending up with the same, ambiguous hells. Honestly, at this point, I would rather have you hate me, and know for sure that you truly feel that way than live a life of white lies tailored to not hurt my feelings too much. I... will forgive you any harsh words you have for me today, but I will not forgive you if you lie... "

[Mirach]

"So... you didn’t really want to be in a relationship with me?" Death asked shakily. "I wish I knew that. If I knew that you don't want from me what I don’t have, I wouldn’t feel so inadequate. And you wouldn’t have to be worried that I'd pick someone else because the idea of picking a single person is too far from my nature. I tried to see how it feels when I tried a human life, but it only served me to recognize that when I get back to myself, I do not have that feeling in me."

[VisAnastasis]

Ben's hands shook a little, but he maintained the gaze, not looking away, his determination having a stubborn, fiery spark, and despite the anxiety, he seemed resolute to push the situation further.
" You don't understand... It... does not matter, whether you choose to have a relationship, or be Semai to someone else... There are different kinds of bonds, and ultimately, who is to say in the whole wide world, there would not be someone out there who has the same preference for a quiet and unassuming relationship, that is more about spending time together than anything remotely romantic? It does not matter. What matters is... this whole thing we had... It is not right anymore. It... bnever was, " he shook his head his voice higher pitched, almost stern, as he continued. " You... are kind and warm with everyone... Is it out of reason for Riversong to feel inadequate, when a person he always looks forward to seeing the most does not seem to look forward to seeing him as much, and treats everyone equally nicely, with no preference toward him? He could silence the nagging doubts that he was no different from any other subject of your kingdom in your heart, while you seemed to be having fun when you were with him. Perhaps he likes the fairies more, but... he keeps inviting me, and he keep playing together, so I am definitely not just another subject, he would reassure himself. But... suddenly the... war happened and... there was just the two of you left. And there was no laugher anymore. And... I... have been through endless, endless hours of therapy and counselling paid by Edward and Demian, so, so, I know how to put those feelings to words better... But what could Riversong know? What... could you know? We... could not even openly talk about it, without risking the change for worse future lines. And Spirit World's idea of counselling is utter garbage... Why should you need to think too deeply about such things as a Spirit, when you can just die and sleep it off while Death takes care of your soul until you feel better? It's a useless, garbage view that drowns any self-awareness and leads to complacency and stagnation... But I... Had enough concealing as human for both of us and ... someone has to step up, so I will, " he cleared his throat, speaking more quietly. " It sucks... so, so much, to be the one that got away. Whether it's on the day Grandel went mad, or... the Slaughter in the council. It is so hard, to want to keep going when... all sense of normalcy is lost and... the only person you have left does not seem to find any more joy in your presence. When... someone horrible happens to you... you lose the ability, to imagine a future for yourself, because deep down, you can't imagine yourself being happy and thriving again. Riversong... held onto straws. He... could not imagine himself in a future where he could have fun and play and be happy anymore... So, he tried to carve one by force, because it at least seemed viable. It's not that you did not care for him, he would keep repeating to himself... you were just too hurt to give him any warmth. It's not that he was broken and changed with what happened, too... There was not even a single cut on his soul, and he was not there that day - so surely, only Death changed, and he is the same, so once Death gets better, things will get better, surely?  If he could only learn healing, and help you, you'd be close again, and everything would be okay, right? There was great affection, and guilt for being the only one unharmed, self blame for not being able to protect you... but there was lot of desperation there, too. Just like... I think very highly of Svarik, and care for him deeply... but there was desperation, too, in my deep desire for him to survive, and recover, and be okay, and have a good life... "Spirit spoke with a pained expression. " I... held onto hope of him being okay because only if he were okay, betraying Demian to save him would hurt less. I... could not bear to have him be grieved and blame himself for how badly I hurt myself during the long night to save him, so all I could do was panic and be miserable to be around. I... nearly lost the little bit good goodwill I had with him, by latching onto him while giving him nothing worth struggling for. I... held onto you, too tightly, too, without giving you what you needed, too. I... could not let go, of a person that was always there for me, whenever humans or Beings would use and betray my hopes for closeness. I could not let go, of desperate hopes that I could help you back, if only I work hard enough. And you could not let go, of someone trying their best for your sake, regardless of how uncomfortable they made you, right? But it's garbage to live for... both of us, and... Riversong was too anxious ever to raise his voice out of fear of giving you an excuse to cut ties with him, but I... I am very good, at breaking things, so, " he smiled faintly. " Won't you break, this unpleasant, wicked thing with me? I am sorry for cornering you like this, but you are too fucking kind and nice. Even if you dared to keep ignoring me, you would feel damn awful about it, and guilty for avoiding me, right? The thought makes me goddamn livid. It... it is perfectly reasonable to cut out toxic people from your life. But if you do it, you have to do it properly, so that you feel freed, and relieved. I was foaming, thinking how helish it would be, if you kept avoiding me and feeling shitty for avoiding me. I could not let go properly, either, like that... I... to be honest, I did not really think I would actually survive, so I wrote all of this in a letter for you I left to Erdel, because it felt easier absolving you of your worries in death, because... I really needed your warmth to not lose courage, and I did not want to open that can of worms and deal with loneliness on top of worries curse will kill me when we confront it.  But, since... it seems like I will not die, after all, it felt too cowardly and selfish, to just toss a letter at you and call it a day. After everything you did for me, you... deserve to have a proper confrontation, and say everything you wish to say, too, instead of just hearing everything I want to say, too... "

[Mirach]

Death nodded slowly. "I must admit that what you suggest would feel like a relief," he said. "But in the same time, I feel bad about feeling that way. I shouldn't feel like that, but I do. Did your counseling tell you how to feel the relief without the guilt?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Things are always easier said than done, sure... but are we not in a position where tensions can hardly go higher? What's the point, of sitting on pins and needles forever? " Ben replied quietly. His ears were hung low and stiff, as it was not easy, but he seemed determined to put disentangling the situation above any personal hopes. " Sure, there has to be some guilt, in breaking apart something one has struggled to maintain for a long while... But does that mean one should keep a plate full of cracks, just because it's with you long enough that you got unreasonably attached to it? If you wait until it shatters, you will only get hurt. Besides, why should you feel guilty about something, where both sides would be equally miserable if things remain unchanged? " he shook his head quietly, watching Death pensively as he spoke, but he kept on as if he hoped his perspective would reassure him. " It was hard to break away while I was dying, sure - there is no way you would want me to go through turmoil that could make me worse. If you were dying, I would be ready to lie and twist the truth to hell and crawl to heaven and back if it meant saving you, so... it's not like you have done something wrong. I would have done the same in your spot, whatever it took to make sure you would be okay, so even though it felt shitty to wake up and realize you won't come, it's... not something I want you to keep dwelling on. While it felt sad at a time, you know what? I... am actually god damn proud of you, " Ben seemed a little more spirited, and he tapped and put his hands together, with a more fiery spark, as if he gathered the courage to speak more freely even if worried he will be told he is acting too familiar. " You are always putting others first, and it takes guts to do something for the sake of your own peace, and it took guts to not follow your guilt and come to greet me and ignore your discomfort. I... am very happy, to see you not being carried by the whirlwinds of desires of others, even if that desire happens to be my own. What would have happened if you went to greet me? You would endure uncomfortable feelings and dread of worrying if every next moment is a moment I will ask you for a relationship, and I would be on pins and needles constantly, trying to fit into shoes that were too tight even for Riversong and me equally, dreading that if I stray too far you would cut ties with me. It might have come at a cost of a little guilt on your and a little pain from my side but isn't it great, that we can finally clear things out? You finally did something to feel a bit better yourself, instead of choosing to deescalate things, at the expense of comfort and honesty, and its great growth. It's a fucking cause for a toast, not tears and mourning, so why should we treat it so? We were both in an endless cycle of de-escalation, trying not to hurt each other, but fuck de-escalation, " for the first time, Ben could not help but laugh a little, timidly, but not without a timid trembling tone of mischief he was more comfortable with. " Isn't it exciting, to escalate things, for a change? If we're already breaking thousands of years old pottery, let's fucking demolish it! Let's see... Hmm... About the whole regret thing... would you feel better if you knew I was also totally utterly miserable to see you again after Long Night? I also felt relief, that I could break away from everyone in Spirit world, and when I met you again... I hated to realize I missed seeing you, but I even more hated the dread that washed over me. I hated the feeling of falling into a narrow small box, while knowing if I did not fill it, you would have an excuse to say I had changed too much to be worth your time. But even so, I hope you don't dare feel some twisted silly regret, you hear? Truth is, I could have brought myself to let go of Death that dragged Riversong down and did not come to save him in his human life... but I can not let go of you, who held my hand and soothed me, even when I was being difficult. I did not come hoping to see the playful happy-go-lucky laughing Spirit King of old to play with. I am strictly coming to see a forlorn, quiet but warm person I spent time with since the Long Night, who would sit in silence and hold my hand when I needed him, and I would rather tear down all we have and all you and Riversong ever had than leave you in this dreaded little box of guilt and regrets, do you hear? I am sure Svarik is pretty great at dancing and playing, but such things are of no relevance to my wish to see him happy, nor is your disposition relevant to my desire to see you live properly - I came strictly to find one forlorn cute bastard who is currently whirling with guilt, and there's no way I am not going to pester you to squeeze all that unnecessary guilt out, do you hear me? " he shook his head firmly and spiritedly. " It is an unusual and unsettling feeling, to step into something different, but why should we stick to empty habits? Why should your relief be coloured with even a smidge of guilt, if nothing bad will happen and only good things will come, if we throw up all this slimy guilt, and know exactly where we stand, with no white lies left to stomach? You are doing great so far, you just need a little, littlest push - don't you want to push this old stale air out of your lungs, say everything you ever yearned to say, choose for yourself the future you truly, deeply yearn for, not empty future best for others - and finally breathe, as yourself? "