Senecio adn Tide II

[VisAnastasis]

More than with words, little embers of hope could not help but be rekindled when Death chose to sit down with him. Still, it seemed he was determined to not get ahead of himself, to speak with no bias, and to give him the impartial truth he promised him, clear from any deception.
" Do not... make me, either better or worse person, than I was. I... Riversong might have wanted to help dearly, but he barely could do anything for you. You carried the fate of the world on your shoulders... he could not ever carry the fear of being pushed away. You were always the one getting him out of trouble and were always the one he ran out to for help and comfort... Only once you pleaded to me, if I could bring your faries back... and I could not fulfill your one wish. I was not a healer that could heal you, nor a fighter, that could protect you from Grandel. I... very much agree, that it is without doubt the worst day of your life, but... But finding you in pools of blood and tears, with your wings torn off was... the very worst day of Riversong's life, too, " Ben spoke hoarsely, clenching his fists and looking at them, as if not daring to look up, his speech uneven, as he seemed to be mixing up how he addressed himself, despite his resolve to break away from being Riversong, as if it was particularly hard to think of himself as separate in moments like this. " I could not protect you, I could not bring them back, nor heal you, nor stop the war you hated... All I could do was fixate on one thing that seemed slightly within my reach. If only I could learn to heal souls... I could heal you, and we could be happy again. We could laugh and play again, and everything would be as it was before. It was not really... much more than childish yearning for a happy ending when every day is a nightmare. It was petty childlike jealousy - not really yearning to be either your partner or Semai for the sake of it... more like not wanting to see you choose someone else. Because if you choose someone else, it would mean someone else is more important to you.  It... would be wrong, though, to call what Riversong acted on the result of guilt. He would not feel guilty for being helpless to spare from suffering someone he gave no damn about, " he shook his head slightly, adding with a more bitter, distant voice. " It's just... that yearning to be special to someone, and wanting to be in a relationship with someone are different things. Just like... I did not have to want to be in a relationship with any of them, to want to be special to Jim, Edward and Demian Riversong, " there was clear pain in his eyes, but it seemed Ben was determined to put it into words like this, because he must have felt that was the only way he could explain it in a way Death won't misunderstand. " Just like it hurt so very much... that Riversong was not enough comfort to you to get better, it... hurt so very much... that Demian was ready to sacrifice it all, if there was but the slightest chance for revenge, as if he had nothing left to lose anymore. Suffering drowns your reason, and you yearn to cry, and scream, and plead, and say - I know Jim and Edward are gone, but I am still here. Why can't you see me even when I am right in front of you? " Ben slowly looked up, watching Death's face so very intently, with bated breath, as he waited for his response. " Why can't we try to rebuild together? I know everything is awful, but we still have each other, so why can't we try to be happy enough? But... you can not say anything to him, but nod along, and make yourself small... because you are worried if you act too familiar, too close, too warm... he will tell you not to get ahead of yourself, and dare think you were as important as his real nephew... he will tell you that you were just a mercenary he looked out for, because his nephew was a lonely child that needed companion, and you happened to fill in the role. I... am so very tired, of ending up with the same, ambiguous hells. Honestly, at this point, I would rather have you hate me, and know for sure that you truly feel that way than live a life of white lies tailored to not hurt my feelings too much. I... will forgive you any harsh words you have for me today, but I will not forgive you if you lie... "

[Mirach]

"So... you didn’t really want to be in a relationship with me?" Death asked shakily. "I wish I knew that. If I knew that you don't want from me what I don’t have, I wouldn’t feel so inadequate. And you wouldn’t have to be worried that I'd pick someone else because the idea of picking a single person is too far from my nature. I tried to see how it feels when I tried a human life, but it only served me to recognize that when I get back to myself, I do not have that feeling in me."

[VisAnastasis]

Ben's hands shook a little, but he maintained the gaze, not looking away, his determination having a stubborn, fiery spark, and despite the anxiety, he seemed resolute to push the situation further.
" You don't understand... It... does not matter, whether you choose to have a relationship, or be Semai to someone else... There are different kinds of bonds, and ultimately, who is to say in the whole wide world, there would not be someone out there who has the same preference for a quiet and unassuming relationship, that is more about spending time together than anything remotely romantic? It does not matter. What matters is... this whole thing we had... It is not right anymore. It... bnever was, " he shook his head his voice higher pitched, almost stern, as he continued. " You... are kind and warm with everyone... Is it out of reason for Riversong to feel inadequate, when a person he always looks forward to seeing the most does not seem to look forward to seeing him as much, and treats everyone equally nicely, with no preference toward him? He could silence the nagging doubts that he was no different from any other subject of your kingdom in your heart, while you seemed to be having fun when you were with him. Perhaps he likes the fairies more, but... he keeps inviting me, and he keep playing together, so I am definitely not just another subject, he would reassure himself. But... suddenly the... war happened and... there was just the two of you left. And there was no laugher anymore. And... I... have been through endless, endless hours of therapy and counselling paid by Edward and Demian, so, so, I know how to put those feelings to words better... But what could Riversong know? What... could you know? We... could not even openly talk about it, without risking the change for worse future lines. And Spirit World's idea of counselling is utter garbage... Why should you need to think too deeply about such things as a Spirit, when you can just die and sleep it off while Death takes care of your soul until you feel better? It's a useless, garbage view that drowns any self-awareness and leads to complacency and stagnation... But I... Had enough concealing as human for both of us and ... someone has to step up, so I will, " he cleared his throat, speaking more quietly. " It sucks... so, so much, to be the one that got away. Whether it's on the day Grandel went mad, or... the Slaughter in the council. It is so hard, to want to keep going when... all sense of normalcy is lost and... the only person you have left does not seem to find any more joy in your presence. When... someone horrible happens to you... you lose the ability, to imagine a future for yourself, because deep down, you can't imagine yourself being happy and thriving again. Riversong... held onto straws. He... could not imagine himself in a future where he could have fun and play and be happy anymore... So, he tried to carve one by force, because it at least seemed viable. It's not that you did not care for him, he would keep repeating to himself... you were just too hurt to give him any warmth. It's not that he was broken and changed with what happened, too... There was not even a single cut on his soul, and he was not there that day - so surely, only Death changed, and he is the same, so once Death gets better, things will get better, surely?  If he could only learn healing, and help you, you'd be close again, and everything would be okay, right? There was great affection, and guilt for being the only one unharmed, self blame for not being able to protect you... but there was lot of desperation there, too. Just like... I think very highly of Svarik, and care for him deeply... but there was desperation, too, in my deep desire for him to survive, and recover, and be okay, and have a good life... "Spirit spoke with a pained expression. " I... held onto hope of him being okay because only if he were okay, betraying Demian to save him would hurt less. I... could not bear to have him be grieved and blame himself for how badly I hurt myself during the long night to save him, so all I could do was panic and be miserable to be around. I... nearly lost the little bit good goodwill I had with him, by latching onto him while giving him nothing worth struggling for. I... held onto you, too tightly, too, without giving you what you needed, too. I... could not let go, of a person that was always there for me, whenever humans or Beings would use and betray my hopes for closeness. I could not let go, of desperate hopes that I could help you back, if only I work hard enough. And you could not let go, of someone trying their best for your sake, regardless of how uncomfortable they made you, right? But it's garbage to live for... both of us, and... Riversong was too anxious ever to raise his voice out of fear of giving you an excuse to cut ties with him, but I... I am very good, at breaking things, so, " he smiled faintly. " Won't you break, this unpleasant, wicked thing with me? I am sorry for cornering you like this, but you are too fucking kind and nice. Even if you dared to keep ignoring me, you would feel damn awful about it, and guilty for avoiding me, right? The thought makes me goddamn livid. It... it is perfectly reasonable to cut out toxic people from your life. But if you do it, you have to do it properly, so that you feel freed, and relieved. I was foaming, thinking how helish it would be, if you kept avoiding me and feeling shitty for avoiding me. I could not let go properly, either, like that... I... to be honest, I did not really think I would actually survive, so I wrote all of this in a letter for you I left to Erdel, because it felt easier absolving you of your worries in death, because... I really needed your warmth to not lose courage, and I did not want to open that can of worms and deal with loneliness on top of worries curse will kill me when we confront it.  But, since... it seems like I will not die, after all, it felt too cowardly and selfish, to just toss a letter at you and call it a day. After everything you did for me, you... deserve to have a proper confrontation, and say everything you wish to say, too, instead of just hearing everything I want to say, too... "

[Mirach]

Death nodded slowly. "I must admit that what you suggest would feel like a relief," he said. "But in the same time, I feel bad about feeling that way. I shouldn't feel like that, but I do. Did your counseling tell you how to feel the relief without the guilt?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Things are always easier said than done, sure... but are we not in a position where tensions can hardly go higher? What's the point, of sitting on pins and needles forever? " Ben replied quietly. His ears were hung low and stiff, as it was not easy, but he seemed determined to put disentangling the situation above any personal hopes. " Sure, there has to be some guilt, in breaking apart something one has struggled to maintain for a long while... But does that mean one should keep a plate full of cracks, just because it's with you long enough that you got unreasonably attached to it? If you wait until it shatters, you will only get hurt. Besides, why should you feel guilty about something, where both sides would be equally miserable if things remain unchanged? " he shook his head quietly, watching Death pensively as he spoke, but he kept on as if he hoped his perspective would reassure him. " It was hard to break away while I was dying, sure - there is no way you would want me to go through turmoil that could make me worse. If you were dying, I would be ready to lie and twist the truth to hell and crawl to heaven and back if it meant saving you, so... it's not like you have done something wrong. I would have done the same in your spot, whatever it took to make sure you would be okay, so even though it felt shitty to wake up and realize you won't come, it's... not something I want you to keep dwelling on. While it felt sad at a time, you know what? I... am actually god damn proud of you, " Ben seemed a little more spirited, and he tapped and put his hands together, with a more fiery spark, as if he gathered the courage to speak more freely even if worried he will be told he is acting too familiar. " You are always putting others first, and it takes guts to do something for the sake of your own peace, and it took guts to not follow your guilt and come to greet me and ignore your discomfort. I... am very happy, to see you not being carried by the whirlwinds of desires of others, even if that desire happens to be my own. What would have happened if you went to greet me? You would endure uncomfortable feelings and dread of worrying if every next moment is a moment I will ask you for a relationship, and I would be on pins and needles constantly, trying to fit into shoes that were too tight even for Riversong and me equally, dreading that if I stray too far you would cut ties with me. It might have come at a cost of a little guilt on your and a little pain from my side but isn't it great, that we can finally clear things out? You finally did something to feel a bit better yourself, instead of choosing to deescalate things, at the expense of comfort and honesty, and its great growth. It's a fucking cause for a toast, not tears and mourning, so why should we treat it so? We were both in an endless cycle of de-escalation, trying not to hurt each other, but fuck de-escalation, " for the first time, Ben could not help but laugh a little, timidly, but not without a timid trembling tone of mischief he was more comfortable with. " Isn't it exciting, to escalate things, for a change? If we're already breaking thousands of years old pottery, let's fucking demolish it! Let's see... Hmm... About the whole regret thing... would you feel better if you knew I was also totally utterly miserable to see you again after Long Night? I also felt relief, that I could break away from everyone in Spirit world, and when I met you again... I hated to realize I missed seeing you, but I even more hated the dread that washed over me. I hated the feeling of falling into a narrow small box, while knowing if I did not fill it, you would have an excuse to say I had changed too much to be worth your time. But even so, I hope you don't dare feel some twisted silly regret, you hear? Truth is, I could have brought myself to let go of Death that dragged Riversong down and did not come to save him in his human life... but I can not let go of you, who held my hand and soothed me, even when I was being difficult. I did not come hoping to see the playful happy-go-lucky laughing Spirit King of old to play with. I am strictly coming to see a forlorn, quiet but warm person I spent time with since the Long Night, who would sit in silence and hold my hand when I needed him, and I would rather tear down all we have and all you and Riversong ever had than leave you in this dreaded little box of guilt and regrets, do you hear? I am sure Svarik is pretty great at dancing and playing, but such things are of no relevance to my wish to see him happy, nor is your disposition relevant to my desire to see you live properly - I came strictly to find one forlorn cute bastard who is currently whirling with guilt, and there's no way I am not going to pester you to squeeze all that unnecessary guilt out, do you hear me? " he shook his head firmly and spiritedly. " It is an unusual and unsettling feeling, to step into something different, but why should we stick to empty habits? Why should your relief be coloured with even a smidge of guilt, if nothing bad will happen and only good things will come, if we throw up all this slimy guilt, and know exactly where we stand, with no white lies left to stomach? You are doing great so far, you just need a little, littlest push - don't you want to push this old stale air out of your lungs, say everything you ever yearned to say, choose for yourself the future you truly, deeply yearn for, not empty future best for others - and finally breathe, as yourself? "

[Mirach]

"I don't really want to say much," Death said slowly. "I don't know what to say. What I want is to just leave. Would that be alright if I leave? But.. you said you wrote me a letter. May I still have it?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Well, Erdel did send back the letters I entrusted him through Mister Eros, but... are you sure? Well... it's not like it will change much, and I don't want to deny you such a small request. Just... when you read it, make sure to keep in mind it was written from the perspective of someone who... thought he was going to die for good, and felt apologetic... for putting you through this whole mess for nothing, and then leaving you on your own. So... just make sure you keep in mind it is a little bit outdated, okay? " Ben managed to smile very faintly as if trying to reassure him, keeping stoic and steadying his expression as he reached for his bag and took out a slightly crumpled letter from there. " Don't feel pressured to reply... You don't have to do anything at all, in fact, as long as you promise me you won't be rotting away with any useless guilty and self-deprecating thoughts. I can't be at peace, either, if you're miserable about our parting. So, as long as you promise me you will take care of yourself and not wallow in useless feelings, I... will promise I won't be miserable, either, so there's nothing to worry about, okay? You can have the letter... How about exchanging it with information? " he grinned as if to make light of it, as he offered the letter, but his gaze as he looked up was sombre. " Death... are you happy here? Do you want to make this place your home, now that you are no longer King? " he asked quietly. " You don't have to justify and you owe me no explanations... Just yes or no will suffice. Do you want to stay here? Do you have plans to join this Mister Tide's kingdom? I merely must know, because I need to know what you want so that I can include it in my future plans, and when negotiating with people here. I... To be honest, whether you join Tide's kingdom or not, I plan to join almost definitely, as long as Tide leaves a decent enough impression when I meet him,  so that I can create a big enough distraction from your abdication to put myself in more centre of events and create more open communication with Spirit Council by engaging with it directly. Currently, both Simbel and our side in Capital, and this side protecting you are in a precarious political state, and Solstice is too young, and... since someone has to step up, I am thinking of doing so, and playing up on the role of hurt miserable Spirit who was all grieved that you were persecuted and shunned over something you did to help me, so that I can speak fiercely against the current state of affairs and create a big shit show to divide council and public opinions in too, perhaps bait Civil war a bit, well, we will see what works best when it comes to it. So, while I plan to go through this and make concrete plans with everyone first, I believe that I would be the best person to publicly criticize and engage with the Spirit Council, and issue appeals so that I can lock them in bureaucracy so they can't act too rashly, and so they have to pay attention to me. I need to stir up a big enough storm so the public won't stay still if they try to harm people that are helping you here, and make public opinion against Council precarious enough for them so they will have to start negotiations with Mister Tide for peace in efforts to not escalate things further. I can't do it all on my own, naturally, it will be very hard to pull off and require a lot of teamwork from all sides, but as Riversong I am a person on our side with the biggest credibility and ability to speak before the Council and hold public speeches in Spiriit World without them being able to raise a hand at me, so whatever plan we do make regarding that, I will probably play a big chunk of part in peace negotiations, so... there's nothing for you to worry, I will make sure it happens one way or the other. The point is, I will make plans with others, and see about the best way to take care of technicalities, and you won't have to do anything at all. Me joining the kingdom does not have to make you anxious, for you won't have to see me at all, so you have nothing to worry about. You have worked so hard, for so long... Please, make sure you rest properly now with all rest long earned and long overdue " Spirit's expression was softer and gentler. "  You don't have to worry about a thing, so just yes or no will suffice - do you want to stay here, and live peacefully here for the time being? " he asked quietly, but firmly. " I will take care of everything this time. Please, don't be petty, and do not try to look into future lines or any suck shit, to find suitable future lines, and what seems like the best future for the world or any rubbish like that. Just tell me if you'd be happy here and if you want to keep living here, without the anxiety of the Spirit world rushing in and forcing you to move away or hurting people you care for here because they protected you. You can rest and focus on getting better, without forcing yourself to do anything anymore or have to do things opposing your nature any longer. Just tell me if this is the future you yearn for - and I will take care of everything this time. "

[Mirach]

"I don't want to stay here for long," Death said quietly. "Just for a while, before I leave. I don’t belong in any kingdom. I see that now. I never should have accepted the request to become a king of Spirits. I'm not a Spirit. I'm not even a Being. I should finally stop trying to act like one," he said, and there was a strange calmness in those words.

(OOC: I'm trying to reconcile this version if Death with the canon one, I'll see how well that goes.)

[VisAnastasis]

" So, you wish to disentangle yourself from those ties... but you still want this letter? You know, the letter... is not from Riversong, but me, and you won't wrong Riversong's memory if you do not take it, " Ben said quietly. " I can't say I don't relate to the feeling of not belonging... Not when I am a Force that is treated like a Being when I feel so human. But does it matter whether you are a force, Being, or a snail? A snail does not have to be a human, to be a part of a human family, happily munching on an apple slice in its warm corner of the home. If they tried to force you to act more human than you feel, I would understand, but what if you are allowed to be as you are? " Ben's eyes shook slightly." I heard they feed you a lot of spicy things you like, bring you kitten-shaped cookies and treats, and that bastard Erdel brought you edelweiss seeds from the mountains as a gift when you asked for plants to grow... I can see your clothes are embroidered with kittens, mist and care... What is the harm if whatever Thing that lives under the name of You lives in abundance, cherished and loved as you are? If I promised you would never have to deal with any roles and Kingly bulshit Spiriti Kingdom threw on you, and live eating delicious things, growing herbs, drinking teas you like... would your wish to leave after a while remain the same? "

( OOC: Of course <3 as I said, no worries, we can do it in whatever way you find comfortable to have a resolution for Death you feel is truest for him. I'll try to wrap up as soon as possible so you don't have to struggle long, I just asked this question so Ben /and I can understand the difference from current to canon <3

[Mirach]

"Living here, no matter how comfortably, is still a role," Death explained. "Even the life I had before becoming a king of Spirits was a role. I liked it and I tried my best to play it and blend in, but now I feel like I need to stop playing for a while, before I become too unbalanced. We... We're not as much alike as you might have thought, not as much as I tried to pretend. You are a part of Something, you know? Just like everyone else. But me, I am made in equal parts of Something and Nothing. At the beginning, there was Everything, and it was all it was and also wasn’t. But it was alone, and a part of it longed for company. So it happened that Everything split into Something and Nothing and I was born. I am the border between them, and I encompass both sides. You were one of the first Beings to form when Something started taking many forms, splitting into individuality. All living things are born of Something, so that was where I turned my attention and manifestation, too, trying to belong. But I'm different. I remain a border and Nothing is a part of me. I'm getting tired of only paying attention to one side of me and ignoring the other."

[VisAnastasis]

" Both you and I have souls, so some would say Simbel who has no soul is more different than us both, while others would say animals are lower than Simbel even if animals have souls. Where would the end be, if I based how I felt about you on what you are?" Ben pointed a finger at Death. " Do you think my feelings would change whether you are Something, Nothing, or in between? Riversong did not care either, because you were his Everything. And I am not Riversong, so I am not going to burden you anymore, but you risked your existence to save me, so whatever you choose to be to me, you sure as hell are Something, " his lip trembled slightly. " Fingers, fins, or feathers, we all feel the world so differently, and I don't care how differently you feel it. As long as you are a person who felt it worth the struggle to put on a role to save me, I do not care how different we are. I would care for you, even if you were a rock, no  -even if you were Nothing. So... " he continued carefully. " So, if I understand correctly, ideal existence for you isn't having a constant life but fading in and out of existence periodically, being the person for a bit and then retreating for a bit as you feel the need in the moment? So, would the ideal life be us to maintain your room as your own little home, to periodically return to when you feel like being a person for a bit, helping out Mister Tide with healing, drinking tea, eating something nice, checking up on people or patients - before you turn off again? I just need to know what feels "just right " for you, so I know what to fight for. If both of us do not join, we will sow too much unrest... so I will join the kingdom on my own, then, and see what position to take to keep things more stable when you are absent. Well, it is not really pleasant to have to do such a thing as a family ritual as a mere formality for entry, but... it is what it is. If you are not joining officially, yes, it would be even better if I join, so I can draw attention, so nobody tries to rope you into any position, so you can fade in and out of existing without feeling anxious about things changing for the worse while you are absent. Naturally, I hope you to get in at least a little better health before you are gone for too long, so the rest of us won't have to be anxious if you're just absent for a while, or if you're unwell but beyond our reach, " he shook his head quietly. " But I do not care what kind of unique fractal and partial existing feels most fulfilling to you... I just need to know what it exactly is, so I can make sure you can have it from now on... "

[Mirach]

"I'm not sure if I have a soul, actually, or what it is that I have," Death said. "I am the only one who knows how much of a difference there is between Something and Nothing. It's ao much bigger than between different living things. It's a thousand times bigger than between a living thing and a stone. Even the emptiness between stars is a part of Something. I believe you that it doesn't change your feelings, I'm just trying to make you understand, as much as you're able to. As to what would be ideal for me... I think just having a place where I can leave and return without much fuss. And when I leave, ypu don't need to be anxious. Nothing can happen to me, literally."
 

[VisAnastasis]

" You might be an expert on Something and Nothing, but I have inherited a whole lot of junk knowledge from Riversong, and his research of souls is extensive. He studied all types, from Personification, Being, human souls... He studied souls from the largest primordial to ones no bigger than the hole of the needle to help you, so... Can you trust me at least that much, to not go until you are the littlest bit better? " Ben asked quietly, his voice tense, and hands clutched anxiously over each other. He had a little strange, submissive, bargaining tone, almost as if someone poor standing before a rich stranger, trying to make a pragmatic enough offer to not be turned away for a loan. " You let me touch your soul a little, too, while... placating me when I was still ill, so I know Riversong's research holds up to what I saw. While density and the way it is structured might not be the same, it can still be soothed like souls can, by touch and Semai bond, just like both humans and plants can be suited by pleasant music, even if plants understand it differently. It can be pierced and hurt, and you still tore off a huge part of it to keep the world safe on Long Night. I... do not give a damn about the function of Death, I know it would keep going, but if you pass into a state of Nothing while still weak, your will might not get strong enough to pull back, and never returning until the end of Time is no different from dying for good, or worse, if while long absent from us structure of your soul crumbles a bit under its vast weight, some parts of you can slip away into nothing too, and you may lose part of yourself, even if world stays the same.  How about getting just a tiny bit better? I heard you received the apple of Hesperides... So, how about indulging in life for just a little longer without all that Spirit King nonsense, until you feel the time is right to eat the apple? No matter the degree of success, it should work to help structural instability. You wouldn't... want to worry your Semain now, would you? And, in case you are absent for a very long time, by the time you wake up, Nameless could have already passed away from old age, and won't you feel sad, to miss his life completely? If you expect intervals between leaving and getting back to be shorter, like a couple of months there, then back a little bit, and then a couple of months away again, it is not much different for him than having a family member who's a traveller, but if you can be absent for centuries at a time, isn't it all the more reason to stay bit longer beforehand, to not miss his life? Is it a state where we can still do something to snap you out of it if some awful medical emergency happens, or are you unreachable until you materialize on your own? If so, how about staying, just at least until we sign a peace treaty with the Spirit Kingdom and things stabilize? We need you in case fights happen and someone gets hurt, and even more so, you underestimate love for you in the Spirit world. If we claim we give you asylum from Hunters, but then you are suddenly gone, it would look like Mister Tide is keeping you locked up somewhere hidden and the War could restart. We should be able to stabilize things once these initial crises pass. I... I swear I am not trying to play some long game, hoping for more, " he whispered tensely, shifting awkwardly. " I... I really do not want to be with you. Riversong did not have a concept of what type was, and while I never was in a relationship, I am absolutely confident you are furthest from my type. I would not date you if you were the last person alive, and if you asked him out, Riversong would have accepted, but he would definitely not have been happy like that, either. He... merely clung to it, because he felt that he could not keep claiming you most important person in his life if he were to choose someone else over you. So, I truly have no expectations, and you don't have to rush to leave sooner just because I will join the Demon Kingdom. I will just do my part to resolve this mess quietly, and you won't even notice I'm around. It is not a bad deal for you... "

[Mirach]

"You really are making this harder," Death said. "You decide then. How long should I stay?"

[VisAnastasis]

" At least until you eat apple of Hesperides, so your essence gets stable in case you are absent for long, and at least until we sign the peace treaty with Spirit World. It would be disastrous if you're away and Spiriti council uses your absence as an excuse to accuse this Mister Tide that he's keeping you captive somewhere to use you for his sinister goals. Some most powerful Beings will understand the situation, but those most powerful ones usually don't have reasons to meddle in earthly affairs, most common folk would be greatly alarmed and anxious if you are unreachable right after it is announced you began mingling with new Demon King. It depends on everyone else, but I will try to see for it to be done as soon as possible, both so Svarik, Simbel and others aren't anxious, and so you can leave sooner if you feel like, " Ben whispered quietly and tensely as if hoping he could convince him to take enough time to get better before he leaves, as he seemed greatly anxious of Death leaving before he is stable for some reason. " As for more details - when you are gone, are you fully unreachable until you return on your own, or is there a way that we can summon you for help? If no, we definitely need at least until a peace treaty, because we would be quite fucked up if we have battles with Spirit World and someone gets injured badly without you to help. For some injuries, like Svarik's on a long night, you and I still have the best synergy to fix it... so can a peace treaty at least be the baseline? As for other things... When you are absent, do you think you'd be absent for few months, then get back a bit, then few months and back a bit, or will intervals be more like, few centuries and a bit of time back, and so on? If you expect it to be frequent brief intervals, then it is not too big a difference, as you can still see him just like traveller family member can, but if you'd be gone for centuries, and would miss lord Namelesses whole life... it would be best if you first spent all the time you can with him. You might want to leave as soon as possible now, but I believe you'd come to regret, not spending little more time with him if you happen to miss most of his life. Mister Tide is going nowhere, but Nammy's life is a thing that won't repeat again, and you trusted him enough to consider him to take care of you in second life, even if it did not come to be. I do not think he will wish to tie you, but he would worry too, if he can't be sure if you'd be alright. He was really worried and wanted to come, but we convinced him it's better for you to not have to deal with too many things at once until you entangle them, so he sent you letter to ask you if you'd like him to bring you anything delicious or to knit you something cozy and soft when he comes visit. I.. did not want it to seem like I am holding his letter hostage unless you meet me, his letter is with Simbel, you can pick it up at any time you like. So, either way, not to fuck us all up, at least stay until a peace treaty, and not to fuck yourself up and be sad later, at least until you decide how to part and what kind of relationship you want to maintain with Nammy. And... our safety does not depend on you getting better and eating the apple, but... if you don't do it, none of us will be able to sleep soundly without worrying during your absence, so if you don't wish to torture us with uncertainties, " he clenched his fists anxiously. " The least thing you can do is eat an apple and get a little more stable in health. I don't want to hear confidence in his health from a punk who nearly died from his injuries just a few days ago, and someone who said he'd be fine taking on my curse weight for a little bit, only to turn out he nearly died... I am in a maximum state of distress and distrust right now... I just need little, littlest precautions taken before you leave, so that we can live normally while you are away, instead of wasting away with second guessing... "

[Mirach]

"I can wait for a few years, but it's getting harder," Death said. "It feels like being more and more tired and knowing that you need to sleep soon. Just... don't ask too much of me, okay?"

[VisAnastasis]

" You mean as in time? Don't worry, I will try to see if I can haggle and offer deals with as much... of Riversong's acquaintances in Spirit World to cooperate with us, so we can wrap immediate danger for the start at least, so you can leave sooner. " Ben whispered quietly." How long... do you expect intervals between sleep and waking to be? If it is a matter of centuries instead of months between sleeping and waking, you should see to part properly with Nammy and spend all the time you want to spend first. And a sleeping person can wake up if there is an emergency... is there a way for us to "wake you up" briefly if something bad happens? If not, I... will try my best to fix whatever issues arise enough until you wake up, but I... can't promise miracles when it comes to things beyond my skills. I... am aware my conditions are bothersome, but I still think it is a solid deal for you, to promise to do my best so you will return to your little home here in the world as similar to how you left it as possible. If... if you find it unfair, if... if you have conditions of your own to set, I will try to fulfil them. I will hear you out, even if they are ridiculous or bothersome. I will yield as much as possible if there are conditions you really want to set to even the scales for the deal, but I really need you to get the littlest bit better before you leave, lest I go mad from fears in the meantime, so I am willing to yield as much as possible... "

[Mirach]

"It is just a metaphor. I will not be asleep," Death said. "I will always be there, on the border. You can come close to it and call to me from this side. Anyone can do that and see that I am present, that I didn’t dissappear in Tide's kingdom."

[VisAnastasis]

" I... don't want to trouble you with having to endure me clinging to you out of my unwelcome worry. But that Star guy, Alpha... would it be alright if I send him to check on you from time to time? You will have no obligation to see me, to talk to me - you will be... free of me. Just sending someone else to make sure you're still well? " Ben asked hoarsely, and paused, as if weighing something out in his mind, before he only explained sparsely. " When...  the day when the... Slaughter in the Council happened... Demian and I were sitting at the table, sharing small talk like usual, waiting for Edward and James. The Council was messy those days, but... no one could anticipate that vampires would dare go against all factions to take over... It was... devastating, to recall that peaceful moment later, and realize that while we were happily waiting... they were already dead. Whether I ever see you again in person or not is irrelevant, but... I can not live like that forever, wondering if any time I am the littlest bit happy, I may reflect on it later, and realize you were already gone at that time, like... I was sleeping soundly, not knowing a thing, while you were dying, and that I would have woken in the world where you were gone, had this Tide not saved you. Like Riversong was happily humming songs while making colourful flower crowns to surprise you and the fairies, not knowing... they were already dead and that you were whittling in pain while he was picking flowers for you. It... is not a way to live every day, without going mad.  I... would be willing to fulfil any condition you want in exchange... But if the only condition you want is to be able to leave as soon as possible I will try my best to resolve immediate troubles urgently, so you can leave. And if the only thing you want from me is the letter, " his expression was wavering with pain as he reached for his pocket to the side, and took out a letter he had written before, carefully extending it so Death could take it without touching him, smiling frailly. " Here. You may have it. I.... am glad I could at least give you something. If I knew you'd wish to keep it, I.. I'd have tried to write more clearly.  I.. have worked with Erdel around council a lot while we were passing exams, so he should be able to help you read it, if you struggle with some words. My... hands were burned back then and it was hard to hold the pen without pain, so my handwriting is not my best. I am sorry... "

[Mirach]

"You're afraid to be happy because you think something bad might be happening in the same time? Something bad is happening all the time. If you let it spoil a happy moment, there would be no happiness at all. You might need some help woth that, I suspect. I'm sorry that it won't be me. I don’t think I can help you much with that. But yes you can send Alpha of you want, or someone else you trust," Death said, appearing more distant with every moment, as if he was already withdrawing.

[VisAnastasis]

" W-well, I mean, whoever you ended up living with, even if we cut ties, I was sure I could have pleaded with them to tell me if your health is getting worse, but when you're away from everyone who could call me for help in emergencies, it's harder not to be worried, mister-nearly-fried-himself-to-death-with-fever. But... it's enough, as long as I can send someone to check. If... your health gets better, I promise to not trouble you with checkups often, and... if you recover fully, I will stop. So, the sooner you recover, the sooner you'll not be troubled any more, so, for now, eat and rest plenty so you can get better, you punk... " Ben sighed. " Little white lies... it is a small surprise how big they can grow in size. We... met a long night, the day after... Demian died. It is no wonder it was hard for me to reject the promise of warmth you offered me. But I also... did not wish to cause you the same pain I went through. I... had the impression it would cause you great grief if you felt like you lost him for good just to save the world... so how could I not try to step into Riversong's shoes? Maybe it's just a temporary discomfort that would disappear as I walk more, I thought, as I tried to fit in. You grieved so dearly for fairies and even for White Eagle... so how could I tell you that friend you came to look for is no longer where you can reach him, too? I... am not Riversong, and there's nowhere you can find him anymore. Despite it stings right now... I am relieved, that I can be just me, after all, without causing you grief. In the end... thank you, still, for... raising Riversong, as well as you could. You weren't that great at adulting either, but you did the best you knew. I... grew up poorly as a human, and I don't have that warm sheltered feeling of being raised by someone... but Riversong did. If he did not, he would have grown much more bitter and twisted, and it would be harder, to reconcile within me memories of someone worse than me. You did the best you could... so thank you. You and him... played many games, before everything, so let me play one last game with you in his name. Here in this garden, let's play a game for eternity ahead. I will show you how it's done... You are the one who is searching, so, I will not seek for you. Seek for me, if you're even in trouble, or need Riversong's power. I will rig the game in your favour, to make sure you can always find me easily if you have need of me. Tag, you are it... " Ben spoke a little more hoarsely as if holding back tears, using the same words he did with Svarik, as if it was too hard to say goodbye in other ways. He left the letter in the middle of the table, before standing up and turning away as if he tried to leave now before overstaying his welcome any longer, seeing how withdrawn Death has grown.