Senecio adn Tide II
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Svarik took the glass and observed the sparkling liquid within - not with mistrust, but with wonder. "Thank you," he said and took a sip from it.
--- "You're not giving little. I have the advantage there that I can sense your feelings, and you're giving me all of those without having to ask" Senecio said. "Maybe that's why I'm trying so hard to be this open with you, to make up for that and give you equally. But sometimes, the feelings I'm trying to describe like describing color to someone blind are a total mess. First, it's hard yo even put into words. And second, I don’t think there's one perfect way to handle something so messy. Not just this particular situation, anything. There may be countless way to handle things, but every one of them is messy in its own different way. You can wish you would have done something else, but there is no way that would be much better, and it's the result that matters." |
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As he did so, he felt a very soothing, refreshing taste wash over his mouth. It was a little like milk, a little like cool lemonade, but without bitterness, with a sweet aftertaste that had the same scent as air does on a hot bright day when one is surrounded by wet grass and fresh strawberries and flowers bathed in sun. It felt like drinking liquid sunlight. It did not contain any too strong power or energy that could fill up his strength much more than common drink would, but it seemed Star tried to pull and gather together meanings and sensations he thought the meadow king would like, to give him something nice to return the kindness after he got so weary playing song for them.
--- " But just because you can feel my feelings, does not mean you get the context for them. I am afraid that I am hurting you unwittingly... for the context you are lacking. It's hard to explain it... But it felt really painful, to see you so troubled, asking for something so easy to fulfil. Such things... hit... very close to home to me. Because... I often have trouble... working up the courage, to ask for small things, too. Most of the time, they... were not possible, anyway. Whether it's things like holding hands in public or inviting me to dinner somewhere nice, or... kissing in public, or... many things, really. Times... were just different, and you could not just be... a giant, towering scary Demon made up of patched-up souls it devoured, and walk around like it was no big deal. A lot of the time, Beings would be seen as signs of bad luck if something ill would begin happening once they start hanging around, so... things we can currently have, living last 300 years in a large city, is not something I could have before, in small villages. Not... even to speak of getting too greedy and asking for too much in excitement, not realizing you ask for too much. You... can feel better than anyone... how entwined with hunger everything about me is. And... you have seen so much... of how not human I really can get. To be truthful, most of my relationships end... within the first few weeks, when... I gather the courage to show more of my inhumanness, or... try asking for more, and the other party's feelings cool off because they... found out they ended up with something... they did not sign up for, " he was still holding Senecio closely against his chest, but it almost felt as if he were the one hiding this time. " That's why... it pulls at my heartstrings greatly when you seem so anxious about asking for something unusual. As if... you're worried I will think less of you for wanting something people don't usually ask for. I felt the same when you were describing your tastes of pleasure and pain to me. It felt so painful, how you expected me to feel disgusted by you back then. I... I don't wish to be the kind of person, that makes you feel hesitant to ask for simple pleasures. Just because your simple pleasure is not holding hands in public, but making a little more sound when being tended to, makes no difference. I... want... to make your dreams come through, too, you know. Even if... we are not in a romance book at all, it will always be a romantic trope, to give your lover what they yearn for. I want to... do better by you. I long to comfort you better, but when you look insecure asking for something, my tongue gets tied and my heart twists and hurts and I forget myself... " he rubbed his head timidly against the actors. " I... still feel so very sorry. I wish I comforted you better, and I long to make up for it, but.. I am not sure what I can do. I... am lacking. I do not have the words... " |
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Svarik drank from it slowly, enjoying the taste. Since he couldn’t play while drinking and the others were also somehow refreshed, it seemed the break was drawing to a close.
--- "You understand that it's not because of you that I feel insecure asking, right?" Senecio asked. "It's because of you that I find it possible to ask at all. Actually, not just that... It's because of you that I was even able to realize that I would like to ask for this." |
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Indeed, after meals and refreshments, everyone was in high spirits to complete the wings, despite the tiredness. They got down to it, working carefully. Ben was too weak to take too active role now for the most part, and he mostly took care of directing them carefully, sitting on the chair for most of the time, only joining in when he had to slightly fix the symmetry. This was the most exciting part, when their all hard work was finally paying off. Now that the giant pile of painted and finished feathers was being put together on the muscles, it was slowly shaping up, and with each feather, they became more impressive and looked more recognisably bird-like. They were shaping up to be similarly soft and soothing under touch as Svarik remembered White's winged form used to be in dreams, but thanks to insanely high-quality materials, Ben's overdoing it, and so many people's care and hard work and heart put into it, the quality was breathtaking. The more feathers they put together, the more the loose power concentrated and flowed and its music shaped up around them, together with power coming from White Eagle's bones, growing into a formidable presence of their own. It was present clearer and more defined than Sun Spirits would be, and perhaps thanks to the addition of Alpha's feathers, it rang more with brighter power of Stars.
--- " Really? Do I... make you comfortable, then... too? " Tide's concerned expression turned into one of hopeful wonder. " I... am sorry. I guess I am just... not in a romance book, either. Do you... know that feeling when... too many things seem to be going too well... and instead of with happiness, you suddenly slip into feeling of dread instead? " he confided quietly. As he finished putting on the balm, he released the embrace slightly for a moment, and he took the nightgown he sewed for the actor the day before from the side, and began putting it on him gently and carefully. " Everything was just so fun and exhilarating while we played... that when reality hit afterwards, the memory of fun felt too good to be true. I would hate it if I was getting ahead of myself, thinking romantic thoughts, while you were dealing with something dark. But when I think about it... You did tell me right away when you started feeling bad, so... thank you, for stopping the game right away, and not trying to deal with it all on your own. It's important to me, to... know you will always stop me, instead of trying to endure it quietly just because you can feel me having fun. I do not need to be kept in romance books at all costs, just because I love romance. Even if it ends up a tragedy... I just yearn, to be in the same book as you... " his cheeks were reddened and his feelings were burning with embarrassment and vulnerability, but he seemed encouraged and hopeful, while he was gently wrapping the actor in freshly washed soft clothes and finishing up fixing his collar to make sure he's comfortable, as it seemed he enjoyed, seeing him safe and taken care of, and wearing clothes he made for him. " If you could tell me something I can do to reassure or soothe you, that would be lovely too... but for a start, can you give me means to not hurt you in future? So... bad memories resurfaced because I was too restrained and careful? You see... With Beings, who usually do not die too easily from one or two injuries, more important than anything is to reassure them first. When emotions like anger, fear and pain are running wild, or any strong emotion, negative or positive, the borders between body and soul grow blurry, and Beings feel very sensitive to touch. It's easier to hurt them like that. If they are collected, they can reasonably remain in check, but if they are going through many emotions, you can cause more damage to their souls if you try to hurt them than if the enemy spears through them. I never was phased too much when White Eagle would occasionally manage to stab me here and there, because it hurt, but I had no emotional stake in it and would recover quickly, just like with a burn from unicorn flute, but if Hans tried to as much stab me with a needle and with actual sincerely violent thought... that would be too painful to fathom. That's why Beings are usually most horribly injured when they are hurt... by people they trust, and do not raise their guard towards. I am not saying a scary guy like White Eagle won't slice and dice you just the same, as the power difference is too huge, and special swords are too efficient not to leave you in awful shape... but wounds hardest to fully recover from, if you survive, wounds most persistent and hardest to close, are always from your loved ones, or when in situation you did not expect to be hurt in but ended up so. So, unless it's a situation when someone is bleeding out to death, reassuring the other side you mean well and calming them down before trying to touch or tend to them is an absolute must, unless you want to make their injuries and recovery worse... And really, even if not Being, if my human boyfriend or girlfriend were abused horribly, how could I not try to soothe them first? But if restraint makes you panic... Yes, I can adjust. It will be a little tough to go against my base instincts... but I can try to be more handsy and touchy if that is what you find more reassuring than words. I will just need to break down the hesitance first but if I can see that you want it, I am sure I can do it. Would you... like me to put an effort into it? One word from you will stop me, any time, every time... " he smiled shyly, but his foamy eyes were clean and pure, with no blemish. " But I must know what you'd like me to do in the future so that I know what to strive for. I must know what you dream of so that I can do my best, to be a good part of your dreams... as you are, immeasurable part of mine. You... have taught me to count blessings I didn't know were mine. I would like to give, the same to you.... " |
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Svarik worked with Conrad, keeping the glue at the needed temperature at every step, but the closer they were to finishing, the more excited he was to see the final result and to see Simbel actually spreading the wings, taking off and flying.
--- As he was finally clean and dressed and all injuries taken care of, Senecio breathed a little sigh of relief. "It doesn't feel handsy to take care of someone if you do it respectfully," Senecio said. "I see why it would feel like that for Beings, though. So, imagine it more like thirst, maybe. Imagine someone who's very thirsty, but you want to reassure them first and talk through everything that happened to them before you hand them a glass of water. It would make sense if they had a reason to refuse, if they though that the water could be poisoned. But if you're not an outright enemy, why would you poison their water? Pain is very real to humans. That's why I enjoy it. It's one of the most real things that you can feel. But it's distracting when you're thirsty and there's a cup of water being kept just out of reach. It can even awake bad memories, if you've been denied water before. Is that easier to understand?" |
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It was truly well worth the wait, as the plumage they worked so hard to make was much softer and thicker than Sun Spirits's or White Eagle's wings were, considerable feeling of power and softness emanated from them, and the ways colours were fracturing and shining was beautiful. After all feathers were placed, Zephir who was good with brush passed across the feathers once more with glue, humming a song quietly, pouring his own effort timidly, to aid them, and reinforce the self-repair enchantment as much as his brushwork and music allowed, painting some light invisible runes with glue as he was adding finishing touches. Once he was done, Alpha gently took the body, and he put on the prettiest black and pink tunic he mended, and put it on the body, as it fit perfectly around new wings, as if it was originally made with them in mind, and he threw a little bit of starlight in all clothes as a treat.
Since Simbel was using it for a while, despite the vessel looked like Tarmagil, it seemed it was altered and affected to a degree, with the unique taste and nature of his presence. With soft tender wings and tail, with flowy shiny clothes, and with Simbel's presence still lingering around it,they felt as if they were watching a slumbering God. Even runes, peeking behind sleeves and shoulders, were intricate, flowy and beautiful, fit for a Deity. Now, the only thing left was to decide where and when to test the efficiency of runes for storage, and wings for flight, but the long fun craft project was wrapped up at last, and everyone seemed in high spirits, clearly admiring the results of their hard work and looking forward to sharing it with Simbel. --- " A little more... " Tide nodded lightly, as Senecio confirmed he wouldn't feel insecure with his being more touchy, now that the actor was clean and taken care of, Demon shifted slightly through the borders between layers anew, changing into two-handed form, and leaning toward him on the bed, lying down next to him, both so he could hold his hand as they were laying, and so the actor could have a clear view again upon the flying glowing butterflies. " It is just that... it's one thing if it would be interaction between strangers or common friends. But I guess it is just that... the power imbalance between a king and a slave is too great. And it's not like the relationship is one between friends, either. You too know that since we started playing more elaborate games, while we were putting the balm, one thing would usually lead into the other, and we'd get more intimate again... But what would it mean for Beast King, if something intimate started developing gradually while he was tending to crying Sein Miru? It would feel disrespectful... like his injuries and being upset do not matter, as long as reactions of his body can satisfy the king. So, since you love it when we tied in punishment or reward, I was originally thinking of trying to phrase reward in a way of King offering whatever Sein Miru wishes, and then Sein Miru being the one to ask, or in worst case, phrase it in such way that since he had terrible experience, king would reward him by giving him a good experience to reassure him. If Sein Miru is the one asking, then the power imbalance is mitigated slightly, though, I know, so I wanted to see if I can leave agency - to him, and through him, to you. I just wanted... you to choose what happens to you, and when. I am not smart, and it is hard to put my hesitance into words, but... if I had to put it to words... Imagine if, due to bad circumstances or being coerced against your wishes, you ended up sleeping with someone at the theatre. No matter if your body reacted positively or negatively, or if they were rough or gentle, that is irrelevant - what is relevant is that I would be an absolutely abhorrent boyfriend if I did not immediately try to reassure and comfort you, and if I wasn't careful not to hurt you more. It is just... base instinct, honed by the life I led, so it's hard to change it. I am not sure... if I could react differently than with caution if something actually terrible in real life happened. If it did, I'd probably not know what to do with myself, from anger and grief, " he gently nudged his face against the actor's hand, and kissed it shyly, before adding quietly. " But it's not like I plan to let you get hurt anew... so you are right, that it is alright if we push what we would normally do, if it brings us joy, even if it's not who we are. After all, it is not like I would ever wish to hurt you if it was outside of the game... So if carefulness and worry make you more anxious and abandonned... I can not promise it would be easy to change it if something bad happened in real life... But I promise you I will work hard to change it within our games, " he promised earnestly and timidly, kissing his hand anew, as he added shyly. " The idea of you being thirsty and getting overwhelmed with bad memories of being denied water you craved... it is unacceptable. How can I quench the thirst of your heart? Would you like it in a more possessive way? I could have Beast King claim he has the right to maintain his property, as an excuse to not have to admit deeper feelings and still tend to Sein Miru, and we could stretch what maintenance means so that Beast King can be as grabby and as close to Sein Miru as we desire him to be. We could even twist and sneak in physical pleasure as a pretence part of maintenance, where the king wants to give Sein Miru good memories without admitting it out loud, so phrasing it in the only way he can muster. Or would you rather like us to play it through gamers of proofs? If Sein Miru feels worthless and untouchable after what happened, should Beast King accuse him of doubting him as Ruler, and order him to let him prove to Miru through actions that he does not see him as worthless of attention, whether through pampering or pleasure? Or all of it? Or something else? It's unacceptable, that I left you thirsty, " The creature shook its head with pure, renewed determination, as it inquired curiously while nestling against his hand and arm in catlike neediness. " What is most delicious water to your unique thirst, my Seine? " |
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"Is it done?" Svarik asked Ben eagerly. "Should we call Simbel to try it out?"
--- Senecio shook his head. "No, that's not... we're still not on the same page. I'm not sure how to explain... This isn't a lovers situation. That's when I called for a stop, when it stopped to be. I don’t know what the Beast king could have done... maybe nothing else, I just wasn’t ready to continue in that direction. But does just taking care of the wounds and discomfort be something more than that? What I'm craving right now is just that simple act without any hidden motives. Why would the Beast king have to find an excuse to tend to someone who is hurt? Is it because he sees the act of tending to someone as intruding? Why? It doesn't have to be... It can be careful and respectful. I would like that kind of care that has no hidden motives, just to help someone who's hurt, done in a way that makes it clear that there really is nothing else, implied or expected for the care. Then I would be ready to better face the emotional side of things. If the Beast king wanted to give Sein Miru agency about what happens to him, the best way would be making sure that he's in a less vulnerable position to begin with. You really don't have that much agency when you are hurt and weak and unsure about asking for help... and I'm speaking from experience. It's so much better not having to ask and receiving help unconditionally instead of wondering what you would have to do to get it. Equating the basic tending with something more that needs consent is like skipping a step. It's just water when you're thirsty. It's a need and there's nothing more to it. Only when you're not thirsty anymore, you can decide if you also would like some wine. But if instead of being given water without any conditions, you're only given the option to ask for wine or not get anything... does that feel like more agency to you?" |
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" It would be better if we perhaps go outside and bring it closer to the pond, so he could have an easier time entering the body again, " Ben tried to sound practical and collected, but Svarik could hear his voice ringing with anticipation he could not contain, too. " Now, we have runes carved within it, so while he can still keep possessing the vessel by wrapping his presence around it, being able to move the body right away, it would be better if we have Simbel's presence fill up the body to its capacity before possession - once it is full, it will be the optimal time to possess it. You will love it when you see it... Instead of as a puppet moved by the strings, where the body falls if the connection is cut or shaken, he will stand or stumble, sit or dance naturally, with no need to constantly pour energy around him... just like a real person, " he clenched his hand in a fist, grinning widely. " Someone strong like Alpha should be able to carry it well... Let's bring it to the garden, and make sure to tell him to not try to possess it right away, but after a couple of minutes of charging it up, for a maximum surprise! "
--- Tide remained close by as he listened, nestling his head lightly against the actor's arm as if needing closeness to feel reassured. He appeared more thoughtful and a little withdrawn though, as Senecio was explaining. " I never imagined Beast King offering Sein Miru no care... After all, Beast King did in the end, when they talked things through, offer him to choose between him tending to wounds, or inviting a royal healer... he gave him a choice, between water or wine, and he even gave him a choice to sleep it off until the morning if it feels too traumatic to take anything but painkiller at first until he sleeps off the terror a little. It is not like Beast King would just watch him suffer with a twisted sense of power... I never meant... to make you feel like you have to beg. There is just... a proper order of things, because... yes... I do believe the act of tending is an intrusion if you are not given consent to it first. It's okay to tend to someone on the verge of death, if they are unconscious or unable to consent, for the sake of saving them... but even if you do, while it is proper of them to feel thankful, it is also proper of you to be mindful that you did ignore their consent. If you choose to do something they feel passed the line, they have the right to feel angry. If you felt you have to cut off their arm to make sure they live, but they think you did not, they have the right to believe you should have tried to get them to a better healer, or at least not cut off their arm unless they woke up, and agreed to it. You... you do also believe... that healers should have informed consent of their patients, before they treat them, unless there's an emergency and it can't be helped. You... do agree with it, right? " Tide was bidding quietly, while holding into the actor's hand tensely, with just a little bit of dread, his voice sounding a little distant as if something was weighing him down. " If you go to a healer, you expect them to treat you without hidden intent, yes, but... if you're not too badly hurt, and would prefer to wait and find your personal family healer, but someone else comes in and meddles and tries to treat you over your will, even if they were a better healer, does it matter? They can not treat you without your informed consent. The hurt one's will is most important, except in matters of life and death... But how can Beast King assure Sein Miru that he deserves care if Sein Miru even doubts if he is worth coming to rescue for? " Demon asked in a pained voice, burying his face in the blanket next to the actor's head tiredly, as if pouting, his voice coming out vulnerable, muffled through the blanket. " I would never, never let Sein Miru, nor you, suffer with no care, but... do you not think taking care of body before the heart is the littlest bit cruel? How can I let Sein Miru suffer the mortifying doubts of whether he will be thrown away by their loved one even a heartbeat longer than necessary? Wouldn't it be soul-crushing, to have your wounds tended to, and have to wonder all the time, if it is out of love, pity or guilt? I never intended to not take care of you. When you look at me, do you feel the tiniest shred of doubt, that I would not give you water? I would never, ever doubt, that if you saw me thirsty, you'd stop everything to give it to me... but is motivation not important? If I was badly hurt by our enemies, and you tended to my wounds, but after you did so, you told me you just took care of me out of guilt or pity, but will still break up with me because I betrayed you... I would feel betrayed in turn. Because I would abhor, that I thought I entrusted my body to my lover who yearns to comfort me, and later found out they were not having loving thoughts while tending to me. Informed consent... is important. Motivation.. is important. " he was whispering a little hoarsely, not raising his head. " Just like it feels like betrayal if you agree to be treated by a healer and find out they had impure thoughts of lust for you, it is betrayal if you're led to believe someone treats you kindly for loving reasons, only for it to have been treatment done with cold heart... If our order of things does not match, I will gladly skip informed consent, if lack of having to ask is more vital to soothe you, if you're giving me explicit right to skip it beforehand. I never intended to let you keep hurting. Just... to follow the steps a gentleman, not Beast would. Reassure him that there's no way he is not worthy of being rescued. Reassure him that he did nothing wrong in Beast King's eyes. Reassure him that there's no way he'd be abandoned just because he is hurt or may have made a mistake going out on his own... and then, reassure him he has the right to choose what happens to him, and that either Beast King takes care of him, or the royal healer does, but healing happens, none the less, whether tonight or in the morning. If I messed up, of course, I want to understand what I did wrong, so I can do better. But it... hurts, that you have no confidence in me. I.. would have torn off my own failing heart, blood and bones, trying to save you when you were dying in theathre, if others were not there to save you. Seine... in what world in which you are you, and I am me, would Sihil-Tarak you came to know hesitate to do anything to see you content and comfortable again? Whether you are Seine and I am Sihil-Tarak, or if you are Senecio Moonthorn, and I am Tide Moonthorn, or you are Sein Miru, and I am Beast King... " he did not look up, but he pressed Senecio's hand a little more weakly as he added. "I will find you, and I will love you, and I will try to bring you as much water as I can, in every universe there is... " |
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"How long would a full charging up take?" Svarik asked. "Did Janus say?"
--- "You are getting defensive..." Senecio said quietly. "I'm sorry if it feels like I'm criticizing you. I'm starting to feel like you're saying that I'm wrong too, as you try to defend your opinions, so let's step back, okay? I feel like it's a situation where it's not a question of right or wrong, just two views on the same thing. It's too complicated with Sein Miru, and it's not real, it's a game. It just... stopped being a game at some point and got real, so I didn’t want to play anymore. I'm not saying that Beast king did something wrong. I'm just saying what we could have done differently to continue with the game. And I'm not asking you to treat me with no consent. It's just the fact that I learnt, right in that moment, that this particular kind of delay is a game ender to me because it brings me back to my childhood and my father. And having an image of your father in the place of your lover is something that quite kills the mood, doesn't it? And a parent taking care of a child's hurts is something that feels like it should be natural... But to prevent getting there, maybe it would be enough to just ask about it first, before getting into talking. I think I would have preferred to talk at the same time, with treating the wounds. It just... taking care of the wounds makes me feel like I matter to the one who does it without me having to ask. It's not like going to a healer, and it's definitely good to be asked if it's okay first, but the longer it's delayed, the more I'll start feeling like a kid with a father who doesn't care. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you did something wrong with that..." |
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" Since runes are efficient, it shouldn't take more than a couple of minutes, he said, though later, once they add wing runes, time will be a little longer, Janus said. But not more than a few minutes for now, " Eros who was the one to bring the body from the sea explained.
" I can carry it, so what are we waiting for? Let's put proper flair to it! Alpha said brightly, as he gently and carefully picked up the body in his arms, holding it up as carefully if it was sleeping, choosing to volunteer since he was the tallest - even for Conrad, it would be hard to figure out how to carry the body in his arms without wings dragging to the ground. " Let's carry remnants of dinner, and let's pick up some more foods to feed Simbel while we're at it, " Ben said brightly while picking up his own little share of uneaten food that he could comfortably carry without spilling. " Charging up the body requires energy, so it will be faster and easier on Simbel if we give him some food as an extra treat! Let's go with maximum pampering tonight! " --- Tide kept holding his hand while he spoke, but he did not raise his head from the blanket, even if he snuggled closely at his side - it seemed as if his shoulders were heavy and he was hiding, leaning closely for comfort at his side. " Please, do not mistake my words as scolding... They are just... explanations. I just wish... to make sure you understand what was going through my mind when I made those choices... so that you know that, in the times when you were feeling unloved, you were not unloved... even if it feels so real. It is valid, and real that you feel unloved... but... what you feel does not have to match what is really going on. Like... A sick cat may feel lonely and abandoned... but the owner may have left to buy milk, not realizing his departure hurt more than the lack of milk. Just like... I feel really sad when I feel like I am... not a good boyfriend. That... does not necessarily mean I am not... good enough. The feeling might still be... really valid. But when I feel it, I am doing my best to dispel it and keep reminding myself it's a feeling that does not reflect reality... because I can feel secure that you will tell me, if I mess something up. Whether it's sleeping together, or most other things... a lot of our relationship depends on how much I can trust you to always tell me when something I do makes you feel bad. That way, I can make amends, and make sure I won't repeat the mistake. That way... I have a chance to do well. I need... that in a relationship. Ability to make up for things, "the creature whispered. It was still speaking quietly, with its voice muffled by the blanket, but its hand that was holding the actors was lightly moving, caressing the man's palm lightly with his thumb. " It is completely okay, to say I was wrong. I do think I offered Sein Miru both painkillers and tending as a lover, tending as a friend without deeper meaning, tending by healer... So... I am just saying... that it hurts when the other person does not feel the effort I put in to give them what I thought they wanted. Like... anyone would feel sad, if they thought they were watering a flower with all the water they had, only to find out the irrigation system was faulty, and flowers they adored were suffering, and they did not know. But that does not mean you are not right. Just because I offered you water, wine, and various drinks... it matters not what is offered, if a person is already barely alive and can't open their mouth to drink. It is still my fault for not realizing the offer came too late. I just want ways to make up, and ways to make sure I do not make the same mistake again. If it is your preference, of course, I will try to do tending while talking next time. I will make sure to ask about the pain before asking anything else, to double check, so you are not anxious. But it is not like I did not ask because I cared for the story more than for you. I just... I was just stopped in my tracks greatly when Sein Miru seemed astonished Beast King even rescued him... and I misjudged the situation. I thought what you craved was reassurances of bond and worth, and rushed to give them to you, not realizing you crave reassurances of comfort and warmth instead. It's... it's like thinking your plant needs a lot of water, and giving it plenty, and realizing too late what it needed was better soil. It can both be true at the same time... that plant is greatly beloved, and that gardener still harmed it, so... I am really sorry, to have harmed you, you know. Is it... really not clear, that I speak from sorrow, not blame? " Creature pressed his hand anew slightly, and there was deep, unyielding hunger pouring with the gesture, but hunger very much unlike hunger tied to lust - this one was more distant and lonely, and felt more like a pang of heaviness weighing down the empty belly. " Senecio... It is... so not normal, in my eyes, at least... for a parent who loves their child madly, to not grieve, when they realize their child was hurting, while they thought they were taking care of them well. Whether it's the pain of parent or lover... It is still equally hellish. Senecio... I have had... so many bad experiences in love... but you are not one of them. Yet, just because we had so many positive emotions... does not mean each negative one is a hurdle to overcome. Fire, passion and warmth... love is made of all those things. But love is also made from grief, pain and sadness shared. Please, observe the sadness I feel closely, Seine, because not all sadness is ill or unwanted. This sadness is well-earned and justified, and I would never give it away or erase it, because I am only this sad, because I love you madly so. This sadness is an expression of love I have for you, too, because I would not feel sad at all if I made a mistake for someone I did not burn with affection for. You... do not have to make, any excuses at all. You just have to let the words I say, live rent-free in your head, " Tide's voice was shaking slightly, as he added. " Because those are the words you need to be told until you are sick of them, so that next time you're feeling unloved, you won't be able to escape the memory, of how sad not figuring out what you yearned for in time made me. Feeling unloved... is valid. But if I do not plant seeds of doubts in your heart, who will? I must plant, all the seeds I can get my fingers on, restlessly, lest you get overwhelmed in dark thoughts that lie to you. Sein Miru is right in one thing - it is easy for you, to listen to evil voices that tell you you are worthless. Those voices spew lies alone. It is... so far from the truth, that your boyfriend does not care. It is very much, actually, definitely true, that... your boyfriend is easily distracted, not that bright, and so slow... too slow. This sadness is not an inconvenience he wants to get rid of, it is proof that he loves you, clumsily, the only way he knows... but sincerely. You can only pry this sadness out of my cold, dead hands. If I loved you not at all, I would not be able to experience a feeling so wonderfully bittersweet... There is not one nibble of this sadness, that I would ever wish to give up... " |
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Svarik took what he could carry from the remaining food and followed.
--- Senecio relaxed slowly, as he was also getting a bit tense before, too. "I see... it's all well. It's good that we're talking to make each other understand. I felt like you didn’t understand me well, and I didn’t understand well, either, but I think I do now. I'm not sure if fully, but better. It's good that it's an emotional conversation, because next time I can just recall the emotion and it will remind me... I just want to assure you that I never felt unloved or like you don't care. I just felt craving a different kind of care in the particular moment. My dark thoughts didn’t come from you, but from my own inability to ask for what I was craving. That's something I have to face for myself, because I can't expect you to follow my needs without voicing them. This particular one, though, feels very hard and shameful to voice. I think it all comes to that..." |
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They went outside to the garden, close to the pond, and Alpha gently laid down the body in a sitting position against the tree close to the pond's shore, so it would be more comfortable for Simbel when he woke up. It was already ten in the evening by then, but the moon was bright, and the various lanterns Zephir has built were lighting up the garden well.
Everyone took turns in placing food into the pond, and they brought over even more, to make sure it had plenty of energy. Simbel was a little quieter than usual in their thoughts as if he was nervous about what was to come, but also, there was a trace of electric, palatable tension in the air, reflecting both his shaky hope and anticipation. He ate food they had given him, as he began to pour the warmth and energy of the pond firmly around the renewed body. It was different, compared to last times, and even today, before runes were made. Instead of circling around it, and having the body move like a puppet, the energy of the pond seemed to seep in deep into layers of skin and bone and end up stored within it. Since runesmithing was so efficient, it was able to store a lot, and the hot soothing air around the water grew considerably less dense and colder, since so much of it was going into charging up the vessel for the first time. But even more, as minutes passed, the change was evident - unlike before, where a lot of energy and constant possession without a second of stopping was needed so the vessel would not just stop moving, like the upper stops moving when strings are cut, this time it looked as if a presence was settling in deeply into it, not around it. It was getting more comfortable by the moment, and as charging was almost done, it began shifting, and breathing more slowly and with ease, wiggling slightly, as it was slowly coming to its senses, in a daze - this time, instead of a foreign entity taking over dead corpse and moving it to its will, it more felt like watching someone that belong there, slowly waking up. --- As Senecio finished talking, so very slowly, Tide raised his head from the blanket. His eyes looked a little teary as if he was suppressing tears, but there was hopefulness and yearning mixed with pain, stronger than it. He glanced at the actor's face, before his gaze fell anew at the actor's hand he was holding. " I wished... you could see yourself the way I see you, " the voice whispered, and not standing up, the demon quietly leaned forward and kissed the hand, leaning closely against his knuckles, ever so gently tracing them with his fingertips. " I love how passionate you are about art and things you love, I admire your resilience, and fears in my heart drift further away, wherever you share more of your thoughts and wishes with me. The way you always strive to make sure I feel secure is engulfing me in such a soft feeling, like cotton candy. The heart is a vessel capable of holding infinite love... yet my heart still overflows when I am with you... " he kept holding his hand as if finding courage in it, before he looked up shyly, his foamy eyes meeting the actors, as he smiled, so very vulnerable and frailly. " It might be but a game... but what I said to Sein Miru I mean to you too. Your fearlessness... it is dazzling. Perhaps it was hard to ask... but you still asked, in the end, and you have no idea, how much it means when you give me another thing I can do for you. It's like receiving little hints of what would lead to your happiness, like... receiving a helpful little tip from the side, like someone you trust telling you the lines you forgot, so you don't feel anxious you'll mess up the role just because you are not smart, and tend to fumble and forget important lines. It's... wonderful. It fills me with so much hope... that you feel secure enough in our relationship, to voice what you wish for, no matter how hard it is. You're putting so much of yourself, and so much effort, into making things between us work. It means so much. And if anything... I feel like I am the one, not giving enough back, " he admitted timidly, as he kissed Senecio's hand lightly anew, brushing against it, as if finding it only possible to speak of these things because he sprinkled them amidst acts of affection. " I... am nowhere near as courageous as you. I do love myself, and love existing as myself... But everything around my existence... is pretty shameful, isn't it? I was made from countless killing, death and hunger, a mass of fear and half-eaten souls given form, for a very long time, while I was Us, until I became I. So much of me has grown from that primordial hunger, and it's intertwined through all that I am... Even the talk about my senses and what hunger is to me is not a talk I would have normally had the courage to bring up for months if you had not accidentally gained the ability to see my feelings. Even that, was a conversation that happened due to circumstances, not because I opened up to admit it first... So I can't help but feel I have robbed you, of a chance to feel like I am opening up to you. It is not... that I do not want to. But I am a hypocrite... I am not brave, like you. I am a coward who even after showing you countless forms was nervous about how you will see me as a General today. I am a shameless person who always gets astonished when you respond with fondness to all my forms, and even like that, I still have the audacity to get taken aback when you are worried about how I will respond to requests you are hesitant to voice. I... am a pretty selfish creature, aren't I? Acting like it's unreasonable for you to be fearful to ask for things easy to fulfil when I myself am barely... getting used to you always... having consistent look in your eyes, no matter how I look, and responding with a desire to my hunger, instead of fear. You... Do not understand, what you have given me. You do not understand, how much I long to give back equally, and how I burn with joy when I find a new little thing I can do for you, like a crow that finds a new little sparkly coin to share... but I am at a loss, " he shook his head slowly. " I... am not... even sure I know... what to do beyond this point in a relationship. I am not sure... if I ever was, passed this stage. How do people... just bring up their past or desires or personal thoughts, as if it's talking about their favourite colour? Don't people just... answer questions when they are asked? With someone as spirited and animated as Hans, I could always just follow... and when I would be in relationships, there would be an endless river of questions about my nature, previous partners, and life, so many questions I could barely breathe. So... I do not really think I know what people usually do, because I... don't think I ever got past this point, where there's a certain level of knowing each other and the comfort that comes with it. You... never really asked me about my past bonds directly, but I know you surely got from the talks from Hans that I have been married twice... but that does not mean I am good with relationships. Two marriages over thousands of years of very active searching... are more outliers than anything else, and they ended rather quickly, and... they... were not as... soothingly comfortable as... what I have with you, " he admitted shyly, embarrassedly. " I... am very good at handling things that are tied to little pleasures, like eating well, sewing nice clothes, watching beautiful things, reading beautiful books, doing housework, resting and playing well. I... I am good at playing games, but... most of my relationships fall apart when it comes to anything more than games or poetry... " |
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Svarik held his breath as they were waiting to see if both the runes and the wings worked.
--- "You feel... ashamed?" Senecio asked with a hint of surprise, and then, suddenly, of understanding. "Oh... I get it now. That's how you feel when I tell you that I'm ashamed for something. When you tell me that you're ashamed, I must just wonder whatever for. Every aspect of you that you feel ashamed for I find thrilling. But then I remember that you do have a reason to feel like you do, that you've been made to feel this way by people that were important to you. I don’t ask about them not because I'm not curious, but because I'm not sure if you feel like talking about it and if you're ready to share. Would you be comfortable with me asking, or would you prefer to talk when you feel it's right?" |
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Slowly, the creature opened its eyes. They were as soft pink as always, although they seemed to shine more strongly in the night, with richer hues, reflecting the vessel brimming with energy. While blinking away what resembled sleepiness, the head slowly turned as Simbel quietly looked around. It seemed, before being able to fully recognize the feeling of having new wings, it was hard not to first be taken aback by just how completely different existing felt, now that runes enabled him to settle so firmly within the body, without having to constantly maintain control.
"I... I see... " the voice rasped out, hoarsely, as the creature's hands were trembling. It slowly looked up from its place where it was sitting beneath the tree, its gaze passing along the endless group of people who worked hard for his sake. " To have hands that don't get dragged downwards by gravity if you forget to maintain holding them up... To have eyes whose vision doesn't black out if you forget to pour energy into them. To... have legs that shake on their own, when you ought to stand up... To... to have tear glands, that fight with all their might, to do their due work, even if you constantly fight against them... was not crying... always this hard? " he laughed, and indeed, it seemed he was suppressing tears with all he could, as he slowly tried to steady his palms against the ground below him as if trying to check how steady they are to lean on before he tried to stand up. " How wonderfully, delightfully hard... " --- " It is not as if I am avoiding it on purpose... it is just hard to judge when such conversations... should happen. Of course, perhaps some answers would come harder if you asked them right away like the question about why I wear a mask around humans was hard... but even so, even at the very start, would I not reply to you, even when answers were not easy to give? It is just that... You... have been very reliable support to me, so... even if you ask hard questions, I feel like... they would not be as hard to answer to, as they would have been when we just met, " Tide quietly nudged Senecio's palm lightly with his head, leaning closely and rubbing against it lightly, almost like a cat leaving its scent against it, as if he found it soothing and encouraging. " So... It is not like... I am trying to be vague and mysterious on purpose. It is just... that we often... oscillate between extremes. We are either dealing with something awful, like the consequences of your death, or are happy beyond measure. In the former case, it would feel awfully inconsiderate, to ignore your suffering just to open the subjects of my past... in the latter case, it is very hard to think of spoiling the joy and fun of the moment by reminiscing on bittersweet or bitter things. I deeply hate, making you sad, but... I have been having this nagging distant echo of unease for a while. Of course, I understand it is because you are dealing with a lot of heavy things right now, especially with so many changes in your life... but still, you are trying so hard to put how you're feeling into words, to help me understand you better, and grow closer. In comparison, I gave you a lot of little tidbits, about glitters and clothes, and soft textures and cuddles, and games and nice food I like... but none of it was really hard to share. Even today, you shared something so very personal and hard to share willingly, while I even made a scene and got extremely anxious when we were forced to have a talk about Hunger earlier than I thought we would. Even there, even if you took it so well... I could not give you satisfaction of feeling you got to know me better, and instead got you to feel like you robbed me of a choice to bring it up first. I... can't help but regret in retrospect, how fearful I've been when we talked of it. But I just... could not know you'd take it so well. Still, I feel lacking, " he admitted timidly. " It would be nice... if I had something meaningful to give you, that would make you feel... as happy as I am, whenever you share something new and personal that makes me understand you better. I keep trying to share a little more forms each day, a little more tidbits of mine and Han's wandering through the world when it feels relevant... but I don't really know how much you already know, since you hang out with Hans so much, too. Still, this growing greed awakens and gets louder... and I want to give you more. But it is easier to look from outside than inside. I know myself, so I do not feel there is much mystery to me. I keep wishing to give you more, but also not to make you sad, or make something about me when your hurts and sadnesses are incomparably fresher and tender, especially now that you are still adjusting to a more normal, healthy life. I am a coward, who will sooner never speak up, than risk dampening your mood a little, "the creature gulped, but its breath was a little bathed, as he awaited the actor's response, carefully observing his expression to gauge his response as he added. " I don't know... how people usually happen to choose to talk of heavier things... I never... had to make such a choice myself, because I was always the one who was asked questions first, so I didn't have to be the first one to bring things up. But... you have been very dazzling tonight, and you have been very brave, just like Sein Miru, so... Just like Beast King would feel more inclined to give Miru more, I feel so very inclined. But I am not sure what I should give you... You also live so intently in the present, so it's hard for me to figure out if you are curious but wish to be considerate, or if you'd be able to love me without hurdles even if you never learned one thing about me at all. So, I am left in a strange middle ground, where I am not sure... what normal people normally do, to grow closer as a couple... I.. want to show you in word and deed, that you are worth loving and sharing my heart with, but I don't know what humans normally say... " he smiled frailly. " Because I am a Beast... " |
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Svarik offered him his hand to help him het up and steady himself in the upgraded body. "I'm sure you'll get used to it," he said gently.
--- "I can't say I have much experience with normal relationships, either," Senecio said. "I think I don’t really want to hear much about your exes. I don’t even think it's generally advised to go into much detail about that. But what I'd like to know is if there's something I do that reminds you on something unpleasant from past relationships. That's all I would like to know about that. But I always love when you show me your different forms and tell me about how you used them, about how it felt to be a Beast..." |
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Simbel leaned against him as he stood up, slowly balancing himself up, not like a puppeteer learning what strings do, but like a person, trying to get used to the unusual new balance. He held onto Svarik's hands trustfully, his palms holding onto them without him having to consciously choose it, as if by muscle memory, finding solace in his presence in what seemed to be the greatly emotionally confusing moment to take in, and it was clear why the moment he replied.
" I know... It is just... So different... from my first... last memories, " he whispered hoarsely, as, so very slowly, he dared turn his head slightly to look at his back, and carefully, slowly start spreading the large magnificent wings. He was doing it so very slowly, little by little, trembling as he did so slightly, with a fearful expression, as if expecting that it would be painful to move. " Just... so different. The memories... what was clashes so starkly... with what is now. The last time I saw White Eagle's wing bones, they were torn up in front of my eyes, rotting away... but they are here now. They are... on the inside, where bones... s-should be. Now, when I move my shoulder blades... there is just... smooth movement... not the searing pain. Sun.. It... It does not hurt even the littlest bit... " tears were gathered in the corners of his eyes, and he laughed out erratically and nervously, while pressing the king's hand shakily, spreading its massive wings wider, a little more freely, as if to prove his words. A little gusts of wind fluttered, as massive wings moved, less anxiously by the moment. " It does not hurt at all, at all, at all... " --- " Oh, but I never ceased being a Beast, my sweet Seine... I am but a Beast still, wrapped up tightly in a cloak, hoping no one that looks close enough to notice it screams at the sight of me. Just a Beast that has read way too many romance novels, and mimics way humans give love to each other, longing to find what it read about in dusty pages as much as it once longed to find souls to eat... " Tide's look was pensive, and his feelings were tense, brimming with anticipation. He smiled, although the smile was faint, as he looked up, at the soft water butterflies he still kept flying around them softly, and as if deciding on something, he added wonderingly. " You know... For this monster, gazing at butterflies is one of great joys. They are the kind of creatures that always gave me great pleasure and hope... I always found it marvellous, how people saw the butterfly as a symbol of turning from something ugly into something beautiful... All the ingredients for a butterfly are already in the caterpillar... so I always felt encouraged, thinking how all the ingredients for my best future self are already there, I just have to work hard to bring them to the surface. Besides, I found it peculiar, how even people that usually hate bugs, love butterflies. The wings and colours are so large - so magnificent, that they can overlook the tiny wiggly legs and body that would scare them in all other bugs... When I think of a plant of you, I think of thorny roses, but for some reason, when I think of an animal, I think of you as a butterfly. Because I really adore them so, and I love the gentlest touch of their littlest legs when they land on me without care. Butterflies see I am human shaped, and they discern not, whether you are Spirit, human or Demon - they land at you either way, so gently that it's impossible not to feel safe. I love butterflies, with their colourful glittery wings, tiny delicate legs, tender antennas, and soft touch. There will always be people who hate butterflies because they are bugs, just like there'll always be people who hate you because you are you... But just like I can not help loving butterflies, I can not help loving you, wings, anthenas and all... " he spoke timid bathed words to him, as he raised his head, his words a whisper and set up for a change, as he straightened his back. " That's why... the next form I share with you will be the form inspired by my love for butterflies. I love them... but I can not pour all that I am into such form. I can not be tiny enough, to support proper butterfly anatomy, nor is it close enough to my mind to imagine myself as it. So, the form is closest to what a monster that has seen a butterfly from afar would choose to look. A mimicry very unsightly, but... one that Hans loved. Hans was a primordial Being himself, and has seen plenty of crazy things of me... so his main metric of how much he liked my forms was never appearance... but softness and texture, when I would carry him or let him nap while hugging me. Three hundred years ago, after he was captured and tortured, he... had anxiety for a long time, about being able to sleep next to me if I was in a human form, and had insomnia we fought for a long time. This particular form is one I wore very often at night during those times, because it was so inhuman he could not mistake its touch for a human one in nightmares... and because it used to be able to fly once before I gave away too much of my soul, so it is almost most weightless forms I have and feels light even when leaned fully against one's body. He would always hug around my head, and bury himself in feathers akin to butterfly wings, and hide there while brushing my face while getting sleepy... " he quietly shared a precious memory - before he slowly changed form, butterflies around them shimmering, but not disappearing. In a moment, another glowing creature could be seen, a butterfly only in inspiration. It was a wolflike creature with skin that looked amphibian and soft, like that of a sea life, and as many inhuman parts as Beast King, only on form that did not stand upwards, and reflected much more of Tide's gentleness and softness. It was larger than the bed, but its head was of a nice size to make it huggable, with numerous tentacles and feathers akin to butterflies. An unfamiliar creature, unlike any animal actor has seen exist leaned timidly, with brimming anxiety and anticipation both, and it laid its head against Senecio's chest, as if in an offer of trust. Since the form was light, it did not feel heavy at all and it did not hurt when leaned against him, and the gentle caress of the feathers was soft, a little like the touch of the algae flowing under the sea, and a little like the caress of the waves. https://i.pinimg.com/originals/e6/2c/8b/e62c8bdf02083cda222dc679a8c498f7.jpg |
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"That's right," Svarik nodded. "That's how it should be. It should not hurt at all..."
--- Senecio watched the form with awe and admiration and then cerfullz touched its head, tracing its outline with his fingers. "So beautiful..." he whispered. "I sometimes wish I could do that too... to turn into something else, not human. Make-up is the closest to that I can do. If you would like and be comfortable going around in some of your other forms like this one, I could do a matching make-up. Like you have a form that's close to a human one, do you think I could find a form that would look more like a beast? Being a human feels like such a boring way to look next to you, I would love to meet half-way." |
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" I did not realize living was supposed to be this... effortless. It feels so light. I... did not realize it was so hard... to keep so much dead weight standing straight. But now... I am not holding up weight. I am just... standing. Comfortably... effortlessly... painlessly.... " his lip wobbled, and he slowly, shyly, gazed around the group, and he laughed shakily anew, having no outlet how such surreal new feelings, and although slight swinging of his wings was growing less fearful, the grip of his hands was still slightly anxious. " It... finally feels just right... Even if it was just this... it is way above too much. It is greedy, to not be satisfied with so much, " the hold against Svarik's hand was tense, but everyone could feel the slowly growing curiosity and anticipation slowly building up, and carefully rising expectations that he was clearly unsuccessfully trying to reign in, as he whispered hoarsely. " You all... tried so hard for me... Even this is above my wildest dreams. Yet... yet, " his voice shook, as it was clear what he was so fearful of - making them sad, in case he fails, after they worked so hard for his sake. " If I... try to fly, and... fall. It will be okay, right? If I fall... if it turns out it's not possible for this body to fly... will you be disappointed in me? "
--- Tide trembled slightly as the actor called him beautiful, tensely and a little shakily nestling closer against him. Since the form was light, it did not put much pressure even if he was leaning against his chest, and the fluffy head was particularly soft and pleasant to the touch - while not amiable in looks, Senecion could notice a big number of Tide's form paid special attention to texture, reflecting his softness and his and Hans's priorities to snuggle comfortably. Amid the fluffy head, hidden between the feathers, Senecio could see Tide's flowers peeking out and growing, barely visible at first glance as if they were hidden among tall blades of grass. It seemed after a few days of getting used to the new piece of soul from Cernunnos, the demon had a little more control over it, as in this form, Senecio noticed flowers were not bright red, but the stark combination of dark and light blue. " That... is very much something... I expect my Seine would say... but it is still hard to get used to, "the creature whispered hoarsely, but it grew a little quieter as if pondering something, despite its touch being a little more relaxed and trustful. Slowly, very carefully, it spoke up, as if trying to figure out the actor's mood. " My Seine... To what measure exactly... are you attached, to your own humanity? You have a very fluid image of yourself... Just like me. I am confident you'd not struggle at all, unlike Erdel, whose self-image is very firm. You would surely be able to alter your form to a great measure, given your flexibility of how differently you can imagine yourself to look. Perhaps even close to the shapeshifter measure, which is only hypothetical, but never achieved in practice. But I believe you changing forms would be as intuitive to you as it is not to Erdel... if you were a Being, of course, " finally he whispered, cautiously, as if trying to approach ideas that might fly away if they startled it. " How... would you feel about becoming a Demon? It might not be easy, or it might be... but since Riversong is coming to sea, it would not hurt to... try to make a deal. No matter how... our relationship turns up... Even if you break up with me... I am quite certain it would be hard for you not to have a good enough bond to be worth staying immortal to with Hans, Erdel, and Janus... well, hopefully, me too... but you understand what I mean, don't you? It feels like a dangerous choice to push you into, because once you become Being... all suicide options will be cut off for good. You'd be stuck as yourself unless you plead with Death to erase your mind and have you start over as a blank sheet. But even if all your memories are gone, your soul would still be yours, and it would no longer go, where humans soul go, but share fate with Beings. There is a finality to it... but if you take a leap... it would give you the ability to change, and it would ensure that, if you die, as long as Death is our ally, you can return, no matter the wait, "the creature gulped, as it carefully added a more personal, timid offer. " That is only so, of course... if you would have no doubts. If you'd have them... I fear there is not too much choice. There is one thing, though, for example, but it's not something normal Beings can do, with how small their souls are... but it is something I can do. I could... Give you a big chunk of my soul. If I give you a large enough piece, much larger than I gave Sage, you would also become something more in-between - neither a Being nor a man. You probably won't be able to go deeper into the fabric of the world, but you should be able to shimmer slightly between the first and second layers of the world and change your forms slightly, to a certain measure. You would not be immortal... but you would have an unnaturally long lifespan. For how long, I do not know though... it depends, and can not be predicted clearly. Sage is over three centuries old, and he still will live, for likely quite some time, since he wants to spend away, whatever life has left for him until it naturally comes to an end. If I gave you a large enough piece, you would live for much longer, but you would still have comfort in knowing that when you die, you go wherever humans go, with your fate tied to humanity. With this option though, we could not avoid a large enough piece of my soul not having some level of influence on who you are, so both options have their good and bad things tied to it, depending on how one looks at it. We never... openly talked about immortality or long life, though, so... I can't help but admit I am a little anxious, wondering how you look at it all... " |
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This post was updated on .
"If it turns out that you can’t fly, then it’s still a success because with the wings you have more place for runes. That on its own is enough, and also, the wings are beautiful. Even if it turns out they can't fly, they look dashing on you. So no pressure, just give it a try when you feel ready," Svarik said.
--- "Yes, we never talked... it's been bothering me, but I didn’t want to bring it up," Senecio admitted. "First I didn’t know that I could become immortal, so I though it would be painful to discuss. In stories, there's always the inherent tragedy in the relationship of a mortal with an immortal... So I asked Hans about how he thinks you would be taking it, and if there may be a way to become immortal to avoid it, and he told me that you've got an apple of immortality promised. I was content that you've got that choice, so I didn’t bring it up, since it's your decision to offer it, and we've just been dating for a month at most, so it seems early for such decisions. But yes, absolutely. I don’t want you to give me a part of your soul, you've given enough of it already and I like it where it is. If there is an option to become a demon though, hell yes. As long as I don’t end up such a powerful one as Erdel. I don’t want all of that bullshit of being seen as a youngling and having to br coddled so that some bad experiences don’t form me in a wrong way. I don’t want any superpowers or senses much stronger than I have now, but being able to change my body would be so awesome. To answer your question, my attachment to my humanity is very, very loose." |
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Others confirmed as well that it would be alright, although Ben seemed spirited as he proclaimed that there's no way flying wouldn't be possible with how overkill materials they poured in to make them. Creature could not help but chuckle a little at his comment, and be reassured that indeed, they would not be sad if he failed. He seemed encouraged, looking up shyly at his wings, his gaze coloured with awe as if he had just now noticed how sparkly, soft and beautiful they looked.
" It truly is an overkill... You... you did not have to make them so beautifully... yet you did. I don't know how to thank you. To fly again... that is... to fly for the first time... I guess it is natural, to be nervous, but... I will try, " He teared up anew, but still, he turned to Svarik timidly, as he turned the hand-holding gesture into a gesture of invitation, as he shyly offered, asking with longing even greater than one of flight. " Before I try, though... would it be alright if I hugged you? " both his voice and wings trembled slightly, nervously, as he admitted, looking quite flustered. " Is it normal... for people to be constantly bombarded with... so many chemicals, so many big feelings, so many impulses? It is so present, so engulfing, so overwhelming, to constantly have things flooding through you, without telling them what to do... Where... everything had to be pushed to work before... now, it flows. My heart... Overflows. I... want to hug you all, but my mind keeps racing, wondering if such acts initiated under this face that used to belong to your enemy will startle you, wondering if I am too needy, wondering if the order in which I hug people matters, so you all know I love not one of you less than the rest. Tarmagil used to be your enemy, and I can not help but worry to hurt any of you with bad memories. Yet, " a more familiar, dazzling smile slowly spread across's creature's face, as recognisable on Tarmagil's face as they once were on White's in the dreams. " When I think of who to hug first... I can't help but turn to you. You, the first friend I made, in this strange, new world... " timidly, as if trying to initiate it, the creature let one of his arms move to Svarik's shoulder, and then, hair, patting his head gently. " When we met, I could never dare dream to be able to touch you like this... Even before today, I could never relax with the joy of it, for the moment I'd let go of control, I would not feel the relaxation - the body would just fall. It is long overdue, but... If I offered you a hug of this silly, worried creature, that's too concerned to startle you to act on its own... would you take it? " --- Tide's heart raced with his response, and he tried to reign it in as if trying to stay neutral on the subject it was hard to be neutral on. The beast howled quietly, leaning closer against the actor's chest, tucking its head under the actor's fingers as if seeking comfort. " You say it is my decision to offer... But I think it is not something on me to bring up. Whether we succeed or not, choosing to pursue immortality is a choice only you can make for yourself. No matter how much I may want to, I can not make you want to live for a long time... How long you want to live has nothing to do with how much you love me.. I would love to be with you forever... but I would hate it if you only remained with me because you don't want to make me sad with your loss. I know we dated not too long... But I think it is a separate matter, from dating. I... would love to remain in a good place in your heart and remain friends, even if you choose to dump me. Even if we break apart, or if we never got together, I am sure Hans would love to get you to be immortal, too. He tries really hard to convince Sage to pursue immortality since Sage was the first person he bonded with after a long time, but immortality just does not appeal to him. The choice between the two is something only you can make, too... And... since you were struggling so hard with suicidal thoughts, even though it would hurt me terribly... I could not bring myself to sound as if I am pressuring you into an option that takes your way out for good, " he whispered quietly, staying close. " Becoming Demon who gets reborn every time he dies... unless Death takes away your memories, it will take away that choice to die for good. Immortality from the golden apple... is just immortality, with it, you will live forever unless you kill yourself or someone else kills you. I don't technically have the apple in my possession... But I have a deal with the parents of Hesperides - if I am in a happy bond that lasts for five years, they will give me an apple for my partner. It... ended up being so because they gave me an apple in the past, but I came across as quite heavily injured Being, so it felt like a waste to save it for myself, with the person in front of me in pain... So, I ended up using the apple for injured Being once, and then, I got an apple two more times and fell into the same temptation, so... It ended up being a deal, that I would only get more apples if it was more certain I will use the apple for my partner, " he fought shyly and embarrassedly, before adding carefully. " Becoming a Demon, though... It is possible now if we manage to make a deal with Riversong. You are still quite young, and power takes a while to settle in, so it can't be helped that, at least until you settle in your Blessings, Beings will get a young impression of you. Everyone calls it child, but it feels more like adolescents, I guess? Human and Being childhood are not perceived the same, we only use the word child because we have no true equivalent human words. Beings can get smart enough to be able to consent to sexual things by 20 or so years of age easily, but in powers, they won't be considered mature Beings until at least they get their first Blessing. Erdel's powers are overkill, so it's harder for them to settle, and if he grows corrupted, consequences on the world and himself will be more visible. If you do not grow well, you can still get corrupted even if you have very little power, but if you're very weak you won't be much more dangerous than a mad human is. There's a difference between the danger of someone who can destroy the city if they get mad, and someone who just loses their mind but is too weak to properly destroy things - a difference between Erdel and Janus. If so you choose, it will probably be more possible to coax a deal if you want to be a very weak Demon, like Janus, instead of a strong one. As soon as you become a Being, by default you will keep returning to life after you die, and you will get the ability to travel through layers and change shapes. As for how differently you can look... it depends almost fully on you, but it can be influenced by what powers you have. If you have very little, or neutral powers, it should be possible to have more control, but if you have something very specific, it might need to be manifested because it would feel uncomfortable to try not to have it, or impossible, even. Like in any form I take, I must always have blue eyes like the foam, and like now, after I gained Cernunnos's soul piece that has such a strong taste of nature, in all my forms at least slightly I must grow flowers when happy. The soul piece has just too strong a taste of nature for me not to manifest them, just as I can't look fully human, and have to manifest feathers scales and fur beneath my clothes. Since I am so patched-up creature, those are some of my limits, but others have different limits, based on many things. Hans, for example, must always have bright blue hair and horns, and now can't have form without scars. Solstice, on the other hand, can look quite different and decently humanoid, but he can't maintain a form without wings for too long else he'd grow unwell - so almost all his forms have some form of wings or wing equivalents. Someone like Erdel has a different hurdle - he has seen himself as human so intently and has a clear image of himself. It will be quite hard for him to not look humanoid, and while he is great at sensing things, honestly, his shapeshifting abilities are horrible. We can not know how.. you would be, and one who may know best is not me, but you. But if I had to guess, I imagine you'd skew more toward being the opposite of Erdel - not very versatile when it comes to using powers, but a master at form-changing. Those are just my thoughts, though, and a lot would change depending on whether you'd be getting more powers or really have nothing at all. In either case, every healthy being can manifest Blessing, whether tiny or big, so as long as you eat well and play well as you are now, you should have no trouble manifesting blessings when the time for it is right. Erdel is really impatient because he wants to be helpful to others, but like I told him, I must tell you, too, that there's no rush. If... if you choose the demon path, and we manage to make a deal, you might manifest your Blessing the same day, or it may take decades. But there's no reason to rush it. It would appear when the time is just right for it..." |
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"Of course I would," Svarik smiled, opening his arms. "This is not the face of an enemy anymore, it's the face of a friend..."
--- "Well, it's first your choice to offer it, and then it’s my choice if I accept," Senecio said. "And I certainly would accept... because I make impulsive decisions. That's what my decision to die was, too. Life seemed to have no sense, and I saw no other way to get out of an obligation, so I thought, why not die? Now it seems that it would have sense to live forever, so again I'm like 'why not?'. By the way, I was also decided about the name Moonthorn the moment I said it, I'm just waiting to tell Hans so that it feels like a more serious decision. So, knowing myself, I can imagine if I choose the... let's call it 'regular immortality', heh... I would one day decide that I'm done with it and just kill myself. But if I wouldn’t, I could have decided in a week that I actually really want to live. So, going with the demonic immortality seems better in making me actually deal with things and face my problems, and protect me from my own rash decisions. And it has the bonus of being able to change my form at will, which, to be honest, is like 80% of the decision. Well, a little less actually... there’s also the thing about us being able to make love all the way, which is also a big one. So yes, if there is an option, I want to be a demon, no hesitation." |
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Simbel's face crumpled, and his heart beat with joy, as at last, he seemed to let go of the worry of accidentally triggering dark memories of people he loved, because of the sad origin of his vessel. He finally felt free, to act as his heart told him, and he leaned forth and embraced Meadow King firmly, with all the warmth in him. He sighed contentedly, full of longing and relief, the soft tender wings wrapping around Svarik's shoulders and shielding him within themselves, the same way they did, long ago, when they first hugged in a dream, when the form Svarik knew was the form of White Eagle. Tarmagil was quite tall, so Simbel could press Svarik's head against his chest and wrap arms and wings around him fully, brushing his hair, with shaky joy, as if he had been longing to do this for a long time. He relaxed against Svarik's body, leaned closer within a hug, and sobbed quietly - to Svarik, it felt so gentle and tender, like being hugged from all sides by a warm protective cloud, with the warmth of feathers resembling the warm safety of the sun. For Simbel, it must have been the first hug in which he was able to experience the real feeling of relaxation in, without just losing control of the body, and his shoulders were trembling lightly with an overwhelming new experience.
--- Tide's feelings felt a little flustered and embarrassed, and a little vulnerable for some reason, but still, he relaxed and nestled his head against the actor's head more, as if finding comfort in his presence, slowly letting the words sink in. " If it is on me to offer... and on you to choose to accept it... I know you do not know me for long.. but will you still pursue immortality with me? " the voice quietly echoed in man's ears. " I know our time was not long, but I can not pretend to be reluctant. I could have purposely waited to say this, just like you are waiting to tell Hans you decided right away to be Moonthorn... but what good would it do, if I pretended to be reluctant? I... can not say I am not often guided by impulses, but I do not wish to call this a choice of impulse. Some things... you just feel in your soul. I knew I would come to love Hans when he was just a feisty, pitiful little blob, that tried to drag itself under the rock to hide despite falling endlessly, I knew it even then, the first day, before our eyes even met for the first time. Some things you just... have a very strong feeling about. It is not like love on the first look... but a tug of the heartstrings. A feeling when you see someone, that it is impossible for who you are not to grow to love who they are, "the creature spoke to him, and was a little silly, how closely it nestled, burying its head against the actor's upper body. Senecio could not see his face, but the timid but hopeful warm voice was as clear as a sea that perfectly reflects the stars. " We both met many people before we got together. Either of us could have settled with someone decent, if we wanted a superficial appearance of happiness... But with you, no joy is superficial, and no pleasure is fake. I do not wish to pretend I don't speak of immortality because I am insecure, when I burn with greed, more each day, trying to show you beautiful things and give you beautiful feelings, burning with longing that the promise of sharing beautiful things with me forever would eventually make you yearn for immortality with me. I... already yearn for immortality with you. I have lived for endless thousands of years, without knowing you, and whenever your eyes sparkle or you lean trustfully against me, I keep thinking, "The large gentle creature could not help but start purring, and Senecio could feel a couple of flowers blooming more and peeking more from beneath the grassy long feathers, with streaks of his joy. " How nice of life it was, to save some of the best things for later... I know we still have a long way to go, but this soft safe feeling is not a lie, and I want to believe in it. It... is so terribly scary, to think that if we argue or if I die and waiting grows too depressing, you may impulsively act on temptations of death, and that I might lose you. It is scary to think that I might kill you by accident myself when even injuring you weighs heavily upon me. It is selfish of me, but I can't help wanting to take your full way out of permanent death. I... am very confident, in my patience. If you become a Demon and either kill yourself or end up killed, on accident by me, or with malice by others, I will wait for you as long as it takes... If you grow corrupted, I will take care of your soul until you either recover or the stars turn cold. I do not love you by chance, by accident, by impulse. I love you intentionally, with every bit of conscience that made Us into Me. It might take a lot more effort and time to earn it, but I... want to be Tide Moonthorn, to Senecio Moonthorn. It is beautiful, and I want to share all the beautiful things with you, for longer than forever... " |
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Svarik embraced him as well, enjoying the feeling of the wings enveloping him. "Even if it would turn out that they can't fly, it's worth it just for this," he smiled, caressing the base of the wings on Simbel's back.
--- "Is that... a proposal?" Senecio asked a bit uncertainly. "It sounded a lot like a proposal... Just want to make sure. About the immortality, yes, I'll go for it, and if there's a chance of becoming a demon, I want that. I feel like it would even fit me more than being human." |
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The creature was shivering vulnerably - the last memory, so sharp and clear, of having wings, was a memory of demons forcefully ripping them off while hurting him. The touch upon them was sensitive, and the warmth of it was contrasting so heavily, with violence so stark in his memories. Still, he timidly leaned close into the touch, enjoying it trustfully, letting the new soothing memory suppress the old, heavy ones.
" It... is so much. Too much. I... will never be able to replay this. I do not even know where to start, " the hoarse voice rang next to Svarik's ears, as a gentle hug tightened. " How... can I ever begin, repaying all of you? I... not in a million years, could I guess, that meeting you would lead me to so many good things. We... could have so easily, never met at all. Thank you. Thank you so, so much, Svarik. I... was so fragile, and so faint. I had so little warmth back then, and my thoughts were muddled so... I could not speak with you, just a small negligible pond in the corner of your garden... The best I could do was give you all the warmth I had, try to pull you into a dream, and desperately hope you won't leave. It was cold, and damp at the pond... and still, you took that leap of faith, and fell asleep, and met me. Thank you, so much, for giving me a chance, to befriend you. I... wished I could do this for so, so long... I wished I could comfort and hug you in real life, as your real friends could. "The creature brushed Meadow King's hair, a gesture overflowing with warmth and joy that was growing brighter by the moment, as he kept speaking hoarsely. " Love, love... let me tell you how much I've come to love you since we met. There are 387.44 million cells in miles or rooths that I have grown. If the word 'love' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the love I feel for all of you at this micro-instant, my friends. For you, my first friend. Love, love, love... " --- " So... you really want to pursue the Demon route? Not just think it's more convenient.. but really want to? That's wonderful! Thank you! Thank you so much, for choosing this... I will make sure you don't regret it! Let's try to speak with Riversong about it as soon as we find the occasion. And, as for... what I said... " Tide's feelings were timid and embarrassed, but not uncertain. Still, he nestled closely, as Senecio could not see his face as he spoke. " I did tell you before, that you look so terribly marrigeable to me recently... Temptations are great... but I stand by what I told you back then. Rather than me asking, I will leave the asking to you. This is still your first real healthy relationship, and you should be given plenty of space to gauge if marrying me and considering me your life long partner really feels good, and propose when the time feels just right to ask... After all, if I asked you now, I am quite confident you would just say you have no reason not to get married... but I'd rather wait until you feel greedy and needy like you absolutely can't keep yourself from asking... because you really mean to, not just because it feels like there's no reason not to. In past times, or now, in some households, there are rules that make you frowned down upon if you sleep with someone before getting married, and some cultures don't consider it prudent to live under same roof if unmarried, or sometimes even hold hands unmarried, or be in a private setting with single people if unmarried, alone without a chaperone... but it is not like we are losing any of the closeness if we wait. This... is a Being concept, so I am not sure how to put it to words... I just would not like it... if you felt pressured for our bond to work, least you lose your new home and stability. Beings do not really... have or need the concept of marriage. That is a human concept, that I want, for my fairytale romance, but it is not Being concept initially. Beings that are around humanity may choose to adopt it, but Beings do not need it. Beings don't really... have the human unspoken incentive, that you should break ties with your exes. After all - when you are immortal, and there's few immortals around you, it would be awfully risky to try dating among each other, wouldn't it, if each breaking up led to you losing a friendship. I told you me and Hans tried dating on an off for a few times shortly, before we figured out we just can't satisfy each other's needs romantically. What we have is just too platonic, and that's alright. Most of my partners were human, and I had only couple Being relationships, but I can not imagine myself, suddenly deciding to never see them for whole eternity. Most of Being relationships start when friendships get quite close, so you decide to experiment for a bit, and then you realize you are not compatible, the experiment ends, and you return to being friends. Only if other side does something terrible to you, you cut them of for good, but it is not something unique to relationships - whether relationship or friendship, cutting of toxic people from your life is fully different matter. What I mean to say is... you grew up with human culture, not Being one. So, if you choose to break up with me, it would be hard, but I would understand, if you'd be having hard time keeping bond with me.. But I do not want you to misunderstand me, and think I would want to cut ties with you if you break up with me. When I did a family ritual with you, I meant it. Being families are fluid... Roles do not matter, as long as being with someone makes you joyful... and you make me so joyful, "the creature purred next to him, his feelings overflowing with both embarrassment and sincerity. " So, I absolutely, definitely do not wish you to mistake this for a proposal. Proposal if it happens, will happen when you choose to make it. Rather... this is a promise, of eternal care and affection, in your chosen eternity. Eternity of being a Demon is awfully lonely, if you feel like you're all on your own. It would be no different, from the awful loneliness of your human life, and... it is no good for your health if you feel like you must fit into some narrow box and pass through some narrow proper set of steps, to be my boyfriend or husband, to not end up alone. I... want you in my life, so very badly, and I'll always take care of you, love you, and look forward to spending time with you, whether it's in the context of a relationship or friendship, as long as you'll have me. You have been so good to me, and I can not see myself, breaking relationship with you unless you do something truly terrible to me, so... "The creature nestled against the actor's side vunerably, as if seeking his comfort. " You... do not have to think anxious thoughts, and worry about proposals and such. I only long for such things, as proposal and marriage, because I long for all romantic things. If they invented a more romantic version of marriage, I would want that, instead. What I long for is to live with you, play with you, get to know you better and get closer to you each day. I can have all those things without marriage. If we were forced to live apart on different ends of the city until we got married, as things were in old cultures, I'd miss you every night, and would have a hard time waiting for you to ask me, but you are always a whisper away, and the fact fills me with immense joy. It is a delight, to be able to share the house Hans built with you now. Sounds of your steps echoing through it brings me endless delight. I have never felt this way with anyone. So... safe and full. So Gently Seen. How could I not want, the eternity of that delicious feeling? Everything about you is so marriageable. So tender, so delicious, filling me with such high hopes. Everything... " |
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"I can’t really say how much that is, but is sounds like it's a lot," Svarik smiled, caressing his feathers. "So, you would understand that we love you too, and there's no meaning in a talk about repaying. The satisfaction of seeing you happy is repaying enough."
--- "It did sound a bit like you were proposing when you spoke about taking my name," Senecio winked. "But we have a lot of time, especially if I become a demon. I don’t want to rush. Not because I would be undecided, but because I want to enjoy every relationship stage fully. Now I like having a boyfriends. Once we're both satisfied with that, I think I would have a blast of being engaged, too. Planning a wedding without any rush, until everything feels perfect. I do enjoy planning a lot, just like working on a play with Hans. I don’t really need a wedding for the sake of a relationship. It's more to show off, like a performance. I don’t think it would change much, but if would certainly be fun." |
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