Senecio adn Tide II

[Mirach]

Senecio took a deep, slow breath, feeling himself shake off the unpleasant memory as he was called Moonthorn instead of his father's name. "I might need some scene direction for thjs role, though," he murmured with a little smile.

[VisAnastasis]

Hans's smile deepened with the actor's response, just like the soft warm feeling tied to it. With clear pleasure, Spirit kept patting his head while giving him instructions.
" Foamy blue flames bathe the lovely little bed in their soft light, and cocoa and marshmallows have such a strong scent you can almost taste them as you breathe in. Everything feels nice, warm and cosy... but Senecio Moonthorn feels no rush to do anything, or reply right away to Aellaír's question. After all, what does he have to feel insecure about, to have to rush with the response right away, as if he were talking to a patron? It is not like the question about a story he likes is a hidden test. Senecio Moothorn knows he will be equally loved even if he does not reply right away, and he also knows there are no right or wrong answers, " Spirit was whispering conspiratorially to man while using the chance to caress him to his heart's content, indeed, in the same way as if he were instructing him on a role, with a meek growing grin. " That's the first thing you must pay attention to, got it? Senecio Moothorn is extremely beloved, you see. To play him convincingly, you must act the part, so you can not say sorry for not responding right away, deal? You must act confident enough that the word sorry feels strange if it ever passed through your lips by mistake, " Hans's smile was reaching his eyes as he coaxed him. " How about you try to tap into more entitled security? Someone who is as beloved as Senecio Moonthorn should be a secure, confident character, who knows other's love for him won't be easily shaken. So, he lays idly, pondering what story he would like, how big a mountain of marshmallows should he swallow up, and what joy he would love to sample. Loved rotten, and spoiled rotten, Senecio Moonthorn is a person who knows he will receive anything he asks for, " so very lightly, creature pinched his cheek in endearment, more of an excuse to keep showing him affection that was pure and unclouded with any shade than a real pinch, as he added. " Aellaír Moonthorn knows just the same, that his dearest little Senecio would never hide the slightest wish for the joy his cool elder can give him. He knows his joy is his family's joy, too. So, Aellaír is also confident and full of curiosity and anticipation, and he leans forth, he grins and he teases, and he bids anew - my silliest, dearest bundle of joy, my Senecio Moothorn - what's on your mind? "

[Mirach]

Senecio smiled to himself, as it was indeed much easier when he took it like playing a role. "I see the vision now..." he said and closed his eyes comfortably as he was thinking without a rush. "I would like a heroic story about friendship," he said finally.

[VisAnastasis]

" How wonderful it is, that you always ask me for things I have plenty to give... " Spirit's grin was pleased and soft, as he straightened a little and made himself comfortable next to Senecio, and gestured to Tide to place his flaming tail in the middle, so he could roast marshmallows. " Let's see... You probably know most current popular mythology on the human side from your theatre work, so how about I pepper in some suggestions from lost civilisations? I'll list you brief spoiler-free summaries, and a word about the cultures the stories came from, and you can pick the one that sounds most fun... " he said softly, and indeed, he began listing stories he thought Senecio might like, with a bubbly feeling, clearly passionate to give him the best he could to cheer him up after strain of the dark memories. He seemed to have been quite used to manoeuvring and roasting food on sticks, probably during his long years of travel, since he took great care to balance sticks and roast marshmallows with one hand, so he could keep patting the actor's head lightly while he talked - just like the actor was using the pretence of a role to more easily accept their warmth, Spirit was innocently using the pretence of the role to give him affection more openly, as would be natural for Aellaír Moonthorn and Senecio Moonthorn as characters to be affectionate and act more familiar. He was clearly a little smug and self-satisfied with the moment of gentleness he had managed to coax naturally, and he clearly seemed intent on acting innocent and treating him affectionately as long as Senecio kept the comfortable pretence of the role, too.

[Mirach]

Strangely, Senecio was able to relax more when he submerged himself into the role. He considered the stories and picked one that he was most interested in.

[VisAnastasis]

Once the tale was picked, Hans began narrating it. He clearly poured his heart into telling the story with proper weight and flair to it, drawing his two audience members in - even if he knew the story, Tide was clearly ever excited when Spirit would be the one telling it anew. Demon made sure to keep their cocoa warm as they sipped through it idly, making more when it would be running out, and Hans indeed made them countless delicious marshmallows to snack on while spinning the tale. Tide who loved eating a lot, Spiriti fed directly from the stick, letting him chew and take marshmallows from it, while for Senecio, he would carefully blow on each roasted marshmallow and double-check it before handing it over to him, so he would not get burned.

[Mirach]

Senecio drank the cocoa with marshmallows and listened to the story, feeling calm abd cozy. With that feeling though, about halfway through the story, weariness overcame him hard after the eventful and emotionally draining day and he just couldn'tjeep his eyes open anymore.

[VisAnastasis]

Hans lowered his voice to a whisper, and he kept talking for a little longer until he was sure Senecio's sleep was deeper. Then, they quietly ordered the room to draw the curtains closer so sunrise would not wake them, and tidied things up. Spirit then slowly and carefully slipped under the main blanket, and hesitated for a brief moment, as if thinking through if he should or not get closer. In the end, he did not snuggle up too closely against Senecio, not to make him uncomfortable by too much familiarity when everything in this stage of their bond was quite new, so he did not want to pass the line willfully. He still curled under the same blanket at his side, and, since today was a long day for him, too, especially with all the emotionally draining thoughts about Alpha's absence and missed chance to confess, it did not take long for a Spirit to fall asleep, too. Perhaps because he felt safe surrounded by Tide and Senecio's calm breathing, when he finally relaxed, Spirit's sleep was deep, though, and he seemed even more at ease with the actor's presence than if it were just him and Tide alone. Demon, who could not sleep, still seemed to draw quiet serene pleasure from his favourite people being so relaxed, and he purred softly to deepen their sleep, and carefully curled around them in his monster form, watching over them to make sure they were warm and comfortable.

(OOC: Hans won't wake up first, but since he's tense about Alpha's absence and return, if they begin talking he'll wake up eventually. But Tide won't wake them up until they wake on their own unless they have some schedule to attend. If I remember right, they have tomorrow day to prepare for play and ball - and the day after it, is the day where the second acting of the play is held, followed by their private Ball, right? If so, should they be having one more rehearsal scheduled the day before the play or not? I am not too familiar with the theatre world and how often plays have rehearsals between playing ^^  )

[Mirach]

(OOC: they usually don't rehearse anymore when the play is already in the theatre, but if a rehearsal is needed because of an actor change, they would arrange one. They already did though, so I don’t know if they would have one more. More likely they won't. And Senecio would also sleep until quite late, so Alpha would arrive with the bag before they wake up.)

[VisAnastasis]

( OOC: Alpha will time the arrival as he promised at 8 in the morning. If Senecio will sleep in for too long after it, should we have Sage wake up Hans to meet with Svarik and others, or should we have Hans sleep in too and let Sage do it on his own? In either case, if Senecio sleeps in a lot, and if they want to meet Ben afterwards to ask for immortality, should we play those parts with others first, so we know where Ben is first by the time Senecio and Tide go to seek him, and what mood is he in? I know you don't like playing Death much, so we can always summarise that part if you don't feel like playing his talk with Ben, I understand ^^ I assume talk with Jake and Ben will also be a summary since I play both characters? Or will Svarik want to be present to mediate, or talk with Jake beforehand? Also, did Svarik want to have a more serious conversation with Conrad when they manage to get privacy at sea, should we play that before talks with Jake and Death happen? I also remembered that Hans planned to confess to Alpha during Senecio's little play about him, and he hoped it would happen before the Ball and before Alpha retreats to Fourth City, should the little event and play happen today, or tomorrow morning, before time for Spirit Wars play and Ball? I'm just trying to figure out where to connect to ^^

[Mirach]

(OOC: Svarik will want to talk to Conrad if they manage to get some privacy after Sage welcomes them. I don’t think they'd want to wake Hans, unless Alpha wants to. Svarik will also let Jake and Ben talk alone unless they want him there. We can play the talk between Death and Jake shortly, will Ben want to talk to Death or to Jake first? Then we can get back to Senecio (he should wake by then) and have the play for Alpha today and the play and ball tomorrow. And sorry, I may post less often now since the semester started this week.)

[VisAnastasis]

( OOC: Hi! No worries, I would have checked on you on Discord if no replies came for a few more days, but I didn't want to put any pressure on you to have to reply right away, I assumed semester had to have started by now ^^ Please do not feel pressure, reply when you have time, take care of yourself, hope you're doing better, sending you 10000 huggss! (づ๑•ᴗ•๑)づ♡

And, yes, we can do it that way, other characters first, and you can start Senecio thread when you judge it's time for him to wake up <3 Since Simbel will be pretty awed seeing the new sights for the first time, Svarik and Conrad could get some time to talk while Sage shows Simbel around the mansion a bit maybe? Sage would try to be considerate to give them time if he sees they have things on their mind. Or they could talk while Ben has his talks :)
As for Hans and Alpha, Alpha would still  feel a little insecure and evasive after the group did not invite him for a sleepover when they were building a pillow fort, since he did not meet with them ever since, so I think it would be more in character if he evaded initiating interaction, so I think it would be more in character if he went to visit Janus to make himself busy talking with him while he is recovering from using too much power, he also has to return bag borrowed from Janus, anyway. In turn, it would be more fun if Hans is in turn insecure about Alpha avoiding him and thus more nervous about confessing, so let's have them apart for a little longer :D Hans would wake first, but he'd be reading some work documents while snuggling with Tide and waiting for Senecio to wake up first since he'd want to check on him when he wakes up to make sure he's fine at least or have breakfast together. Perhaps while Senecio sleeps Tide and him can have off screen talk about immortality? They did not tell Hans about plan to talk with Riversong about immortality, Hans would definitely react strongly about Senecio choosing to pursue it and be happy about it. So we can either have Tide inform him off-screen if you'd find it easier to skip that, or Senecio can tell him that after he wakes up, whichever you prefer <3
Ben would want to talk with Death first, to clear out their situation before talking with Jake, so perhaps Conrad and Svarik can leave to have their talk while Ben has the talks with Death and then Jake? Jake's talk can be off-screen, Ben should be fine talking on his own as long as he gets some encouragement :) So, in either case, the first thing is the group arriving by the sea, right? If so, I will write a brief description of their arrival, if I am wrong and something else should come first, I will edit the post ^^ )


Alpha indeed kept his promise and timed the arrival exactly at eight in the morning. He went into the bag, and gently woke them up. They packed their sleeping bags, snacks and luggage to tidy up the place behind them before they left outside. Simbel was especially nervous and unsure if going out of dimension would work right, but encouraged by his friends, he slowly walked out as well, anxious but expectant about visiting somewhere new for the very first time. He blinked away the confusion, and he seemed awestruck as they all appeared in the beautiful main hall of the mansion, full of interesting decor and shells he had never seen by his own eyes. Sage, their host, bowed and came warmly to greet them, nodding to Alpha - it seemed both the man and the old Demon chose to invite them indoors first, so Simbel who was venturing outside the capital city for the first time would feel less overwhelmed by unfamiliar sights.

[Mirach]

(OOC: Tide could tell Hans about the immortality, so that he already knows about it when Senecio wakes up.)

It took some time for them to do introductions and then have breakfast together with Sage and Alpha and settle into rooms according to their preference.
"Both Death and Jake are here," Svarik told Ben quietly. "Would you like to call one of them to the garden or somewhere else quiet to have some privacy for the talk?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Talk with Jake... is bound to be more messy. There's a lot... to disentangle there and... more to either apologize for or argue about, depending on how things go. With Death's talk... at least I know exactly what I want to say, " Ben whispered a little hoarsely. While he appeared better than his awful state yesterday after he overspent his energy, he was clearly still frail of health, his face pale and his ears droopy, and he seemed rather restless about a meeting he had to go through. While Riversong had delayed it for countless years, though, he was determined to go through it today once and for all. " I... came all this way, any way, so... wouldn't it be better, perhaps, if I go up to see him myself? I heard he has a room here, so... I might as well do it. Do you think... it would be better if I come see him, rather than invite him somewhere? " he asked Svarik quietly. " I can't quite... guess what he is thinking right now... but you don't think he would try to... skip through layers to avoid me further when I've come all this way, right? Still, it might be better if I don't prolong the inconvenience, he is bound to feel more anxious about it if he has to prepare himself to get to some other place. And... Since the bastard is ill, I... don't want to tire out and make him move around this big place needlessly... "

[Mirach]

"I don't know..." Svarik said uncertainly. "It's his space and you would be coming without an invitation. It's hard to tell if giving him a moment to prepare wouldn’t be better than just jumping out at him. Maybe it would be best to give him some heads up and a chance to decide where he would prefer to talk. If he runs away through layers, then he obviously doesn't want to talk and you can leave it at that, I suppose."

[VisAnastasis]

" That bastard thinks he can just act all chummy and close and risk his soul and fate of the world to save someone, and then just pretend nothing happened and cut ties... " Ben murmured bitterly, clutching his fists for a moment, before he took a deep breath, and steadied his expression, clearing his throat. " Well... I mean, we will never get anywhere if I push firmly, too. Tempting as it may be to run after him if he runs away, it's better to not give that idiot future lines to see where he feels cornered, or he'll act on future lines, instead of real present, so... No, unless he's actively dying again, I won't press about seeing him in person. I... could not stand aside and act ignorant if he was in a critical state, as long as he is doing alright, I won't be a bastard that made him worse when he barely got better. And... I hate to admit it, but you're right, " Ben grinned faintly, trying to fight his anxiety with teasing. " It sucks, but... yeah... he barely feels comfortable at any place in the world, if he's comfortable enough in his room, I should not ruin it with my impatience. Perhaps... Mister Sage could go for a moment, and ask him... where he would prefer us to talk about... if he wants to... " it took him considerable effort to brighten himself to say it, after coming all this way for a talk already, but in the end, he did affirm slowly, chewing the world carefully, while Sage stood up to do as asked. " Tell him... that it is fine if he does not want to see me... and that as long as I don't hear him worsening his health while I am not looking, I will overlook it. But make sure to tell him... that in either case, whether he sees me or not... once he decides, he must inform me what his plans about joining Mister Tide's kingdom or not... because if he does, I am going to do it, too, " he steeled his voice, and tried his best to smile even though his expression looked frail, as he spoke firmly, clearly thinking through this a lot. " He may inform me by letter if he chooses not to see me, and he may request to never see my face in either case, and I will make sure his wish is fulfilled... but those are just technicalities. I have no lingering attachments to Spirit World, and if he deflects while I stay in Spirit Kingdom on paper, it will just paint him more in the wrong and give radical Spirits more justification to say he strayed from the right path or other garbage like that, and use my dead name as sword against him, so, " he shook his head slowly. " However he feels about me, I am not letting him deflect alone, okay? If he joins Tide's kingdom, i will, too. That is up to me to decide, and whether he wants to see me, where and when, is what is up to him... "

[Mirach]

When Sage came to ask him, Death looked scared for a moment, as if he really wanted to flee. But after assuring that Riversong doesn't want him to return and only came to talk, hecreluctantly agreed and asked to meet him in the garden.

[VisAnastasis]

Sage first returned to tell the news to Ben, and he talked with servants and set up a small table in a secluded part of the garden, among roses, for two of them. Then he returned to help Death reach it, holding a respectful distance but helping out when he felt right to make sure he did not stumble.

In the garden, Ben awaited for them alone. He did look to be in frail health and worn out from yesterday, but he was clearly better from the last time Death saw him when he was riddled with heavy burns and cursed. This was also the first time Death had seen his altered appearance since waking up, and he looked much closer to his previous human form, only with emerald eyes and long ears partially concealed in the hair. Those ears were tense and stiff right now, as he was focused on the cup of water servants brought him. He was not looking at Death, but fiddling with decoration on the cup, tracing wavy painted lines on it quietly, as if he found them particularly interesting. There was no way he would not have noticed Death coming, though, so it was clear it was a form of consideration, as it seemed he tried to make himself smaller and set up an unassuming atmosphere so he would not startle him.

[Mirach]

Death did not sit down behind the table but remained standing a few feet away, as if leaving himself the ability to leave fast. He took a good look at Riversong and his new appearace. "Did you want to talk to me?"

[VisAnastasis]

While Ben did not have high hopes of a positive outcome, seeing just how reluctant Death was to meet with him made the littlest bit of hope he harboured die. It hurt, but he cleansed his teeth, and gulped, keeping as collected expression as he could, fiercely determined to do this properly, once and for all. He slowly looked up, taking in Death's appearance, too, before he smiled faintly.

" It is strange... I was not sure how I would feel when I saw either you or Svarik... but I guess my personality is indeed trashy. I.. can't help, but be angry, " He spoke of anger, but his expression was sad. " Riversong has left me with many infuriating things... but few are as infuriating, as his blind trust in your words. When you said you would be fine, sharing my curse for a little bit, and that you will bounce back quickly afterwards... I believed you. Death Riversong knew, after all... would never dare risk getting unwell, because playing with his life meant playing with fate for the universe. So, I trusted you, like a fool... only to wake up in a world where the first thing I learn is you nearly died and had been hunted by Demon Hunters because of making a deal to reborn that demon part of me as Demon, in order to lift my curse, " despite all his determination to deescalate, Ben could not hide incredulous, slightly frustrated streak in his pained look. " Just how low do you think of me, to think I would not want to talk to you after all that mess? Should I just comfortably stay in the Capital, never asking a word of you at all, never checking to see if you're indeed recovering and safe? Just how warped your view of my decency is, to think I would not want to talk with you at least once a single time? "

[Mirach]

"So you wanted to tell me that you're angry?" Death asked. "Or that you were worried? Is it an apology that you came for or something else?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Well, I can be angry and worried at the same time, can't I? Life is rich with garbage feelings like that. And... I hope you don't dare fucking apologize. There's a difference between being somewhat angry, and damn mad. I would be livid if you tried apologising. Sure... does it suck that you were acting all supportive and warm while I was ill? Of course... but I... walked into that one myself. I clearly drew the line, that I wouldn't feel safe enough to be helped by strangers, so what choice did I leave you, than to act friendly, if you wished to help me? I... won't hold you accountable, for such... white lies. I was not... really clear of mind at the time. I desperately needed someone, and you were there for me, so... I do not blame you. If I thought I could help you by lying to you, I would surely end up lying, too, and Riversong did plenty of pretty pretences as well... So, no hard feeling, see? " Ben waved away with his hand, speaking slowly, as if trying to make his voice steady and speak plainly, drawing a line. " Still, in your particular situation, wouldn't truth feel better? I wished I could use dramatic flair and offer to never speak to you again... I was considering it seriously, but... statistically, you see, it seems incredulous... that either you or I won't come into a situation where we need to help someone, but can't do it efficiently without each other's help. Our powers have too much synergy for that, and I sure would feel shitty if I promised you you'd never have to see me again and then came crawling back for help. I assume you wouldn't feel all too pleased if you said you don't want to ever talk to me again, and then had to ask for my cooperation, too,right? It's a shitty situation, but it is what it is. So, how about we settle for some minimum ground rules of courtesy? " as if he was negotiating, Ben clasped his hands quietly, clearly trying his best to maintain a practical and calm voice, despite it could not help but shake slightly every now and then as he spoke. " Would it not be nice to clear out lingering misunderstandings and uncertainties, and go through our future plans, to make sure... to make sure we do not get in each other's way anymore, and that we can meet on amiable terms... as proper coworkers... should circumstances be such? Even people that hate each other are able to meet and talk without feeling like garbage when they have a more important task at hand, and unless I am misunderstanding something about our situation even more erroneously than I thought... " he spoke slowly, hesitantly, as if he indeed was not sure what to expect from Death's reply. " At the very least, what is between us can not be called hate, right? "

[Mirach]

Death leant his head a bit as if considering the words. "You are different," he said. "How much did you change? Who are you now and what do you desire?"

[VisAnastasis]

" I... don't necessarily have to have changed much... to not want to be the same person. I am just a person doomed to lead the same kind of life, whether as a Being or a human. What I want right now... is to change it. I am too exhausted, by living life wondering if anyone cares for me, or if they are just telling me polite platitudes so I don't get sad. I don't want to live like that anymore, " Ben spoke quietly, as if not being able to bring himself to reply directly to Death's question right away, but he spoke in circles as if trying to work up the courage to it, as he lowered his gaze to the glass in his hand, tracking it as if it was the most important. " To be honest... I was almost happy... at the Long Night, when I realized nobody came to save me during the trashy human life I had. Why should I keep living as Riversong, if all the bastards in Spirit world left me on my own? But... when the biggest bastard of them all appeared, and acted all warm and supportive, saying that he came to pick up his friend, I... could not bring myself to refuse him. I desperately needed someone... so I struggled and tried to fit into box so small I could barely breathe in it. I felt guilty, taking warmth meant for your friend, but... it was just the warmth of a healer, not a friend, in the end, wasn't it? So... I feel less guilty, for taking it. I am no longer going to play... this twisted game of silence you and Riversong played... not necessarily because I am some grand great upgrade from Riversong... It is not... that it is uncomfortable for me to fit in Riversong's shoes. It was equally uncomfortable for Riversong to fit into Riversong's shoes, " his voice was more hoarse and tense like a spring, as he adamantly denied it - it seemed important to him somehow, to mark clearly that it was not his difference from Riversong that led to this decision. " The reason... the reason Riversong knew so deeply about how your future vision works... is that he desperately fought, every day, to weed out any future in which you see him acting out on sad and desperate thoughts. He did not even wish you to see futures where he was desperate ort sad, not to speak of futures when he was acting on it. He... really, really hated his life... but he did not want to cause you pain, by having you feel unloved. It is not that he wanted to die and leave you on your own... He was just grieved so deeply, that he survived... while your faries did not. He felt it would have been better if he was the one that died instead. He felt terribly guilty for those self-centred thoughts, and he could not name the feeling properly, or make you sad by saying it... but I understand it perfectly. I know well enough, how guilty I felt, that I was not in the council that day, and that I lived, while Edward and Jim died. Survivor's guilt... is the trashy thing, " Ben's hands were shaking slightly, " But... he had little experience about the world and little understanding of his feelings. All he could see is that you never smiled after your fairies died, that you never played again, and that you lived in pain every day... And he was one of few who knew of your wounds, but all his power was garbage when it comes to healing souls. So... he grasped his research about healing and held onto it because it was the last straw he had. It is not... that he desired you, in any way a lover would. It is just... that it was the only thing he could grasp onto. It was more hopefully to think that it is not... that he was not enough to make you happy again... You were just in too much pain. If he could just find a way to heal you, you would laugh as you used to again, and you would play with him and be close to him again. It... was never anything more, than grasping only straw he had. If... if you were the one that actually confessed to him, he would be the one that would have no fucking clue what to do with that information, so... " he shook his head quietly, drawing a clear line. " So... I guess you could say, what I feel like I want the most in the moment, is to not be misunderstood. To give you context and truth you were lacking, because Riversong was too scared to bring up any subject that could tear you apart. Riversong... used to live in terror every day, that he will act too familiar and too close, and that you will draw the line and tell him he's forgetting himself... that he isn't really someone dear to you as your faries were, but that he merely let you tag along in your games out of pity for your most troublesome subject. He... would accept any relation requirement you set, if it meant keeping your affection. I almost slipped up, and almost ended up going along his path... So, I kept trying to fit into those garbage uncomfortable shoes, but... They are too small. If you asked Riversong to be in a relationship, he would agree, not because he wants you, but because he does not want to lose you. It's... garbage, unhealthy situation on both sides, so... I guess what I want right now, is to be the mature one, for a change. I know you didn't want to talk with me, but I felt like I really owe you this... unconfession, if you will. I... will likely be often coming to Mister Tide's kingdom for political reasons, so I just do not think... either of us deserves to feel like garbage when we happen to be close by, or when circumstances make it so that we must work together for a short while. Spirit world... will nitpick every single thing about every single aspect of our lives, too, so it would also be good if we could maintain a minimal appearance of friendliness in public, " he cleared his throat weakly, still avoiding Death's eyes. " I mean, I can always act like a clingy ex-friend you don't want anything to do with, while I still cling to you and support your decisions, but Spirit Realm bastards will still nitpick and question if we broke away our grand garbage friendship because you went down the wrong path of befriending demons and all, and use our coldness as excuse to put you in worse place, so I think maintaining some public appearances for a while is wiser choice, as long as there is no ambiguity and both of us know where we actually stand... "

[Mirach]

Death very slowly approached the table and sat down on a chair opposite to Riversong. "You are telling me... that for all this time, you felt uncomfortable with me, and were only acting based on your guilt? You were trying so hard to be such a good friend to me, tried to find a way to heal me even if it wasn’t in accord with your essence... not because you wanted me to love you, but because you felt guilty that you lived? Do you have any idea how hard I tried to love you becase of how much you were doing for me and I felt that you deserve it and I should, but it just made me feel guilty because I couldn’t?"