Senecio adn Tide II

[Mirach]

"Well, that would fall into the cathegory of things you can influence and worth worrying about, wouldn't it?" Svarik asked. "I'm not saying do not worry at all. But once you see what can be changed and start doing your best to change it, the worry stops being that insistent. You can be working on changing things, and be content in the same time."

[VisAnastasis]

Emmet nodded slowly, though his heart didn't seem fully into it - it seemed that, while he seemed perceptive of Janus's difficulties, he was in conflict with his own.
" Do you... really think... I can make that much of a difference? I don't... like confrontations. He is my master, I should obey him, not argue with him. Guillermo does not.... " shadow of pain passed across his eyes. " I mean, none of the masters I know deal well with arguing. If... if I object to what he asks, I feel I'd just upset him, and he'd not like me anymore. Maybe even... not even want to teach me. I... I really want him to like me. In the same time, though... I wished I could just be understood. I wished I could simply say - this is my way of giving back. I do not... think little of your hunger. I don't trust you enough to offer you more than this, like you don't trust me enough to even ask it from me, but if you can give me a new hand just because you can, can't I give you a finger just because I can? But I feel like going against his wishes, by purchasing different medicine than I said I would and putting him before arranged matter. The thought he may be angry and misunderstand terrifies me... "

[Mirach]

"Well, that sounded like a good start to me," Svarik said. "Why don't you try telling him exactly that? I know you both mean well and I can be there if you want, and help with the bit where he needs to get what you mean. He's got a bit of trouble with that still, but he is genuinly trying."

[VisAnastasis]

" I can see that he is trying... And that's exactly why I find it so hard to lie to him about this. I... am trying as well. " boy cleared his throat, as with king's words, something must have tipped the scale of his heart, and he finally decided, with tenseness, but more certainty. " You are right, master Svarik. I have to tell him. Maybe... maybe he may be angry or displeased with me. But if he cares how I feel, he'll accept it... "

[Mirach]

"He should understand trying," Svarik said encouragingly, getting up and offering his hand to Emmet.

[VisAnastasis]

The boy smiled a little - it seemed trust came very hard for him, but Svarik's encouragement seemed to warm him up to the king a little more. He accepted the offered hand this time, standing up, and quietly and thoughtfully, he followed the meadow king back underneath the stage.

There, the others waited for them - some, like Conrad, calmly, some, like other children, wonderingly and with some worry, and Janus - with a bit trouble standing from weariness, but held wide awake with anxiety and anticipation, and probably as much from nervousness of being surrounded by that many humans at once.

[Mirach]

"Let's just talk to Janus in private, shall we?" Svarik asked Emmet quietly.

[VisAnastasis]

"Y-yes... " Emmet cleared his throat, and then, he looked up to Janus. " May... we have a little talk before we start? It won't take long... "
Being seemed a little uncertain, rubbing its palms nervously, as it seemed to do when it wasn't sure what to expect. Still, as before, he seemed to hold on to appearance that he had everything under control.
" Well, yes, that is... certainly reasonable," he whispered, straightening up. " Um, just... um... we can not go around this basement level much, it's still too unsafe to retreat to some corner of it. So we should go outside, then... "
" Or we can go outside. " Falcon offered. " You don't need to worry about this two... " he pointed at the younger apprentices. " I'll show them some cool card tricks when I'm at it - it's really boring around here, so we might as well play a game while you talk, it seems like it may take a bit... "
" I do not know how long it will take... " Emmet murmured vulnerably, watching at the conflicted Being. " It... depends... "

[Mirach]

"Card tricks sound good," Svarik smiled at him thankfully and when Conrad left with the kids, he sat down between Emmet and Janus.

[VisAnastasis]

The two seated themselves, both trying to appear as calm as they could, neither quite succeeding. It was hard to figure out how to start, but Emmet knew he had to lead here, and that he'd make things worse for both by prolonging it. He fought the urge to look down or away and struggled, but looked up to Janus.

" My master... " he whispered, slowly, carefully, as if trying words. " I have... something to ask you. It is important to me, and I'm afraid you'd... get angry with me... "
The creature winced visibly with Emmet's last words, but he didn't respond right away, as it seemed he tried his best not to make this about himself.
" It is... hard for me to believe I could get angry at a question," he said slowly, a practical side of his breaking through. " You do not... seem like you plan to stab me, or hit me, or insult me. I... do not know what else could be there... Did I... respond poorly to you in some way, and you are afraid to call me out on it? " he asked tensely.
" No, I didn't mean it like that, Master. " boy rushed to add. " M-maybe anger isn't the right word. Maybe... maybe you could say I am afraid you'll get... disappointed... "
" Di-- disappointed? " Janus repeated after him, suddenly more baffled than fearful - it seemed that he understood even less with that.

[Mirach]

Svarik sighed. "He's afraid you will feel bad or even guilty for his decision when it is just that - a free decision he made, not prompted by you in any way. Please Emmet, tell your Master what you decided."

[VisAnastasis]

" Y-yes... You see... I know you dislike humans and all that. I understand you probably have good reasons not to want any of us to touch you. But I don't really... know how to show my feelings other that with that. " Emmet whispered tensely. " What I want to say, I mean is that... I can't trust you as a master if you reject everything I can give you... "
" But I do not. " Being was baffled, and rubbed its hands a little vulnerably at the words, defending itself. " I do not accept your touch... but do I not accept your talks? Do I not accept your time? If I did not value those things, I would not take them so freely. "
That statement through of Emmet from the course a little, and he bit his lip, realizing he's too vague again - but it was very hard to stop oneself from dancing around the subject.
" I did not mean that, Master. I meant... I mean, that what you give me is not equal to what I give you... "
" You can not compare... "
" But I do, and it is not enough for me. I need to know the truth of what this is, whatever it is... " Emmet steadied his voice, and said firmly, dancing no more. " Master, you do not desire my touch, but you're always glancing at my hand when I'm not looking. My pain makes me look tasty to you, doesn't it? "

Now, that was a direct question, but it was clear the boy was about as good at communicating as the Elder God - it suddenly grew all the tenser, and not knowing what to do, panicking, it looked up to Svarik, for a hint, for help - it seemed that to lie came hard to lot of older Beings, and saying the truth, the truth of hunger Svarik witnessed when Llyr's tail was cut, seemed even worse.

[Mirach]

Svarik only sighed inwardly this time, and nodded to Janus. "It's alright," he said. "It's not an accusation."

[VisAnastasis]

Being still wasn't sure how to respond - accusation or not, it was a reality he liked to ignore.
" It... does not matter, though, does it? "  he cleared his voice, speaking hoarsely  - but this time, sounding all the more like suppressing something, and consciously trying not to let his gaze fall along with boy's hand. " The worst of your pain comes from that one finger, Svarik the human said the same. Once it's cut off, you'd have nothing to worry about... "
" It isn't about worry. It... it's all complicated. But the point is - I, I am not stupid. I can connect simple things. " Emmet raised his voice a little, more with panic than anything. " You can not inform us that you feed on pain, and then pretend that our pain does not affect you at all... "
" Lot of things affect me. Yelling, for example. I do not like this... " Being's voice trembled a little, and he seemed to withdraw, looking hurt and exposed. But ironically, that seemed to make Emmet fearful, and he finally said it.
" I... I like you, though... " he said, his eyes tearing up, as he tried to keep a brave face at a wounded Being. " And... you know... how you always keep scrap metals, to reuse when needed? I do not like wastefulness, either. And it is not like it'd be years of consequences - only a few minutes. I do not want... you to have to look at me throw this pain away - it would be like throwing away a perfectly fine warm food in front of a starving man. I can't throw away a perfectly... edible finger... "
" You mean... "
" I hope we mean the same thing.. " the boy whispered. " Because it's an unsaid thing that weights between us, doesn't it? Because you won't ask for it for some reason, but you desire it...  "
The being was completely dumbfounded, and at least, it snapped him out of withdrawing - but not shame. It's mouth was watering with the mention, and its cringing made its thin frail figure stand out all the more against the blue lantern light. The hunger was in its eyes, but sadness upon its twisted face, as he put hands over his month.
" It is... a terrible thing to want, isn't it, though? " he whispered at last, looking away, grief in its voice. " I... am so sorry, child. I thought... I hoped you wouldn't see... "

[Mirach]

"It would be a terrible thing to want from a perfectly healthy hand," Svarik said sensibly. "But the pain is there already and the finger is getting cut off. There is nothing wrong with wanting it. The other option is to waste it, so what's the harm?"

[VisAnastasis]

" You ask me... what is... the harm? So calmly, you ask me so? " Being, still covering its face with hands subconsciously, asked, its voice trembling with a mix of temptation and horror. " Are you saying... you do not see the terrible implications of it? How... could it possibly be a good situation, where a master has eaten from the body of his apprentice? It is not... good for them, to look at me and always wonder if they are one accident away from being eaten by me. To live in misconception I'll not be at ease unless they feed me with their flesh. " he retorted sharply, embracing himself vulnerably around shoulders and looking down with shame, his reaction so much different than either of them expected, but clearly sincere. " They can't... they don't deserve to live like that. And I don't want to live like that either. I... like how things seem to stand now, and I do not want to ruin it with... the foolishness of my temptations... "

[Mirach]

"The first I wouldn't mind, personally," Svarik said. "One accident away from being eaten, I mean. If an accident is going to happen, it will happen anyway. It's not like you would cause it. Or done on purpose by me. That would be wrong. But if an accident would happen that would make a part of my body of no use to me, I don't see anything wrong with giving it where there's some use of it. I would be glad it still has some. I would mind the misconception, if it were true. But is it? How do you see it, Emmet?"

[VisAnastasis]

" I was scared, at first. " Emmet admitted quietly, not being able to lie. " When you kept insisting that you exchange my whole hand with a mechanical one, no matter how in detail you went about how it would feel like a real hand, I was thinking about the implications you speak of. But as soon as mister Svarik suggested it was enough to cut off one finger and make a simpler hand... You went with it. When I choose that option, you never tried to convince me otherwise. "

" It would be wrong. " Being shook its head resolutely. " I couldn't understand why would you want a simpler version at first. I needed a moment to take it in... But then I understood. It's better than you're happy with the toy, than unhappy with something I made you feel you had to take... "

" Yes. And that's what changed my mind. " the boy noted, and, for the first time, he repeated what he said to Svarik before, with more colour to his voice... " You did not think little of my feelings. And I do not... think little of your hunger. I don't trust you enough to offer you more than this like you don't trust me enough to even ask it from me, but if you can give me a new hand just because you can, can't I give you a finger just because I can? "

It was Emmet's truth, and it rang true indeed, the words boy thought through for a long while not being something Being could refute right away. His gaze was uncertain still, but for the first time, it looked hopeful.
" Do you... really want to do that? Or are you compelled to do it because I am your master? " he cleared his throat weakly. " Please, speak truthfully. I would never choose to teach you no longer if you didn't give it to me. But if you gave it to me but regretted it afterwards... I... am not sure I can properly name how I would feel... "

[Mirach]

"Yes, that is important," Svarik nodded. "Do think about it, before you reply," Svarik advised Emmet.

[VisAnastasis]

Emmet must have imagined this would be a much simpler matter - for it was simple for him. But Janus's trail of thoughts was not what he expected- he must have been used to either harsh denial and punishment, or acceptance without thanks. But Janus was serious, and Svarik was right, and he thought as seriously before replying.
" Our situation... it is strange. I am not good at putting things into words. I know I want this, now. But I can't see how I will feel in the future. You are my Master, and that depends how you act. " he replied finally. " Will you... hate me, for insisting you take it, despite your fears? "
" That... depends. " Being admitted to the truth hesitantly. " Will you... think more poorly of me, after I eat from you? Will you fear me? "
" I have seen people glad at the thought of causing suffering... And that thought appals you. Only thing I have seen to anger you so far is injustice and needless suffering. " Emmet noted quietly. " The more you hesitate, the higher I think of your morals. But I do want to do what I can for you. I don't think I will regret my offer unless, in your worry that I may think worse of you, you begin to think worse of me... "
" Oh... I see. That is... what you said at first, wasn't it? You... really do not fear me? You really just.... fear my disappointment in you? " slowly, it dawned on the Being, and it fell silent in contemplation.

[Mirach]

Svarik nodded encouragingly, seeing that the talk is finally going in the desired direction.

[VisAnastasis]

" Yes.  " With encouragement, boy brought himself to admit. " I know it is silly, as we barely know eachother... But you are trying so hard to make sure we are comfortable, and... You are so capable and smart, and... " Emmet blushed." And you are putting so much effort in teaching us. It's all those things that make me care for your opinion of me... "
" But you did nothing to make me think ill of you. You were... Kind to ne, ever since I came here, despite how I appear and what I eat. " Creature spoke up slowly, carefully, weighting words nervously, as if by spoon." Even with your mailfuction and pain that comes with it, you put so much effort into making me comfortable. I can not hate a person attacked to such thoughtfulness... "
It was an unexpected praise, one that left the boy speechless for a moment, not sure what to say.
" I really want to do this. It isn't rational. I know that it is early for such trust... but it's complicated. You could say that I have a strong feeling I would regret not doing this if I don't. I would not y happy with a new hand if I did not have the benefit of knowing I gave you my finger and that you are less hungry... "
That seemed a perspective that was much closer to Being's heart, and something he could understand. Slowly, he spoke up.
" I guess... I guess none of this would mean anything. " He said hesitantly." If receiving more than you can accept made you miserable... "

[Mirach]

"If you will accept. Falcon will get the finger to you as soon as it's cut. Coordinate with him, so nothing goes to waste, alright?" Svarik told the Being.

[VisAnastasis]

" But... isn't.... isn't it a human custom... that I should stay with you during this? I am Emmet's master, after all. " Being stuttered with some apprehension. " I... should not... leave Emmet alone, with two strangers. With one was bad enough. I am supposed to... make sure he is okay... "
More than what was said, what was unsaid seemed to encourage Emmet a little, as although the overprotectiveness of the Being was a lot to deal with, it was hard not to find his crude attempts at manoeuvring human customs reassuring.
" It's alright... They look fine enough, I'm pretty sure I'll be alright. But if you're worried, you can remain close by the door, so you're sure all is okay. The other two kids will want to stay with me, anyway, so it won't be just me and two men, it'll be three of us, so you can be sure I'm not at any disadvantage. And it'd be easiest for us, wouldn't it? That you can eat without feeling like everyone's staring at you... "
" Your arguments are.... disarming. " Janus bit his lip. He was watching the boy by now, directly, and while before there was a shame, now was more intent, protective note in his gaze, wondering and vibrant with a sudden idea. " The way you speak makes things make sense... But I can not just accept this, just for the logic. I have two conditions in my heart. "
" Yes? " the boy asked hopefully.
" First, you have to promise me that you will talk with me if you have... any doubts about me. You... seem to want to be a good apprentice so hard... but I want to be a good master, in turn. " Being whispered, quietly, but firmly, having decided at last. " I can not be calm around you if I keep fearing you're wondering if I may find you tasty. Yes... I do. But that doesn't change anything. You can... you can like eating fish, and um... still not eat pet fish in a bowl. Cravings are irrelevant. I need to know that if you have fears about it, you'll... tell me about it... or... tell me to leave my position. " he said unexpectedly, though the words only faintly went through his teeth, with sadness. " I can not coexist with people that feel threatened by me. That's my first condition. "

[Mirach]

"It's a good condition," Svarik said to Janus, to let thr Being know he is doing well in this.