Svarik and the company I :)

[Mirach]

Svarik did a lot of smaller work in caring for the land before he dared to try feeling for the deep water again, relaxing first with some techniques that the Sage taught him.

[VisAnastasis]

It took longer to feel it this time, as he was not used to technique yet and was doing it alone - but soon, he could distinguish it better. He felt its trembling, vulnerable state right away. There seemed to have been pain within it, mixed with sense of  being lost and confused. It was part of Svarik that was mostly subconscious, and it was more impressionable than something that could be easily reasoned with.

On closer inspection, Svarik could indeed feel that Sage unexpectedly being able to reach for it and touch it has been damaging to it. His touch made it feel like it was bare before him, helpless to do anything to protect itself... And yet, it was so deprived of feeling good that even that unexpected pleasure was something it now longed for when it ceased. Hungry for gentleness and safety, yet deeply violated by Sage's ability to reach it and by his intimate touch, the water seemed to feel torn and strained. It seemed biggest damage Sage has done with his unwanted gentleness, was leave it feeling confused and unprotected, no matter of all layers of ground between it and surface, and it was tense, as if anticipating some new pain and ordeal to come.

[Mirach]

Svarik felt its confused state, but did not know how to reassure it or reach for it otherwise than from outside, through all the barrieres that he was not ready to tear down, especially after the Sage's touch. He just remained quiet and listened to it.

[VisAnastasis]

Here, it was reflected as water, but it was just a reflection of something deep within him, not a separate entity, despite he felt distant and out of tune with it. Sage was right that changes didn't have to come from outside influence, like digging into soil, but from inside as well, like self reflection and clear focus. As he put conscious effort to observe it and listen to it, trying to figure out how it felt and understand it, king could feel it as a tense intimate spot within him. With time, as memory of Sage's violation grew more distant and nothing further of such sort happened, king could feel it got a little less tight and tense, and it came as relief to him. It was still confused, but its confusion was Svarik's own, one of not knowing how to deal with anyone unexpectedly being able to reach to the deepest part of him, without him having any way to protect himself against it.

[Mirach]

Consciously Svarik knew that the touch did show him what to focus on and that he wouldn't know it without that, but he did not know how to reassure and convince his subconscious about that. He felt out of his element again, in silence in the middle of the sea, and so he for a while focused on the soil and plants again.

[VisAnastasis]

Unlike those more private scarred parts of him, on surface of his soul, the ground and plants were more used to receiving kindness and care, as they were reflecting parts of him build for receiving warmth from the sun, just like Svarik was used to receiving care of his friends. It wasn't something that could change his feelings deep inside, but care of it was something much more easy to accept and look forward to. It was nice to feel the surface now, basking in sunlight and drenched with water that were both important for his growth, and Svarik could feel himself growing more peaceful while focusing on it, as water, like a balm, seemed to have nurtured him and evened out some strained visible cracks in the landscape.

[Mirach]

After he did that, Svarik sat down on the stones and tried to get to feeling the water from the other side, focusing not on it yet, but on the barrieres starting with the most outward one.

[VisAnastasis]

From first barrier to the deeper ones, king could feel they were different, but had similar thing connecting them. Reflecting on them would often brush up on painful and dark feelings and thoughts, and remind him on unpleasant, violating things in the past, on moments when he felt helpless, more severe the deeper the barrier was. Each fear of being hurt again had become another layer of protection, a defense mechanism around Svarik's essence and music, that distanced him from it and made using magic and playing harder, but also made him feel safer from possible intrusions into his privacy and personal space. That artificial defenses enabled him to feel somewhat safe in a world where danger could be in any corner, under any doors, behind any secret passage... It helped him be able to function after everything that happened... At least until now. With Sage being able to evade all his carefully composed mental barriers as if they were nothing, Svarik could feel said barriers were trembling lightly, with discomfort and mild distant panic at a thought that most deep and vulnerable parts of his soul were not as safe as thick layer of ground has initially made him feel.

[Mirach]

When Svarik could feel that, he felt shaken by the realization that what he thought was healing, since it brought relief and lessenning of the pain and fears, was just erecting more and more barrieres, that not only the hurt could not penetrate, but healing couldn't get through it as well. He understood now, after the intrusion, that he has to tear them down, or they will get much thicker if he doesn't do that now.

[VisAnastasis]

The world seemed to get a little restless with his restlessness - but it did not respond to him. There was no one here to advise him, no one to tell him what to do, or decide in his name. Here, he was truly alone, on his own, with none but himself, and no sounds but one of his own soul laid before him. Whatever he was to do,  he only had himself to counsel with, and there was something scary, but also somehow freeing about it.

[Mirach]

To calm himself, Svarik started tending to the land again, since it bith felt pleasant and occupied his thoughts. But he could already feel the barrieres hardening, as they were trying to get stronger to keep out possible future intrusions. He understood then that he has to do this without the Sage's help, and that there is no good in waiting for him. Carefully, he tried to feel the most outward barriere and see what it is made of and how could it be loosened before the land dries again.

[VisAnastasis]

The most outer barrier was perhaps best one to start exploring from. It was embodied by the first layer of soil, that had both lot of hardened ground and debris, and lot of fertile ground bound to it. It was one that contained all the sickly grass and plants, and despite they were sick, the fact they were growing at all represented some primitive coarse starts of healing up. That first barrier was most faulty one, as, while it aimed to protect him, it also allowed for kindness and gentleness to reach him, blocking out thinking about it too hard, but being helped by signs of care and attention, such as was rain that Sage had given it. It was place of his soul, with this little bit of greenery, that king was most in tune with right now, and most clearly represented his most basic needs and desires.

There was great need it him not to be hurt again, though, and just like water from surface couldn't pass down too deeply through soil, barrier did not allow sensations and thoughts that felt in any way threatening to reach deeper parts of him, in fear of injuring himself further if they are too much. His soul could tolerate kindnesses and care of friends, but whatever required more emotional investment from his side tended to be cautiously kept at safer distance, as his own way to protect himself and brush of unpleasant sensations and topics from touching him.
Deeper barriers he was trying to feel around, the severity of that closing down was bigger. From this starting point, the very last barrier before the water felt almost impenetrable, considering how long was path to it - but everything had to start from someone, and by feeling out his soul and trying to understand its ways of protecting itself from being overwhelmed by what happened in past and anything that could hurt it in future, Svarik already felt he was starting this out better than he did when he tried to dig water out with bare hands, and that he was getting somewhere.

[Mirach]

Svarik kept his focus on the outher barriere, and he tried to guide the water from the rain as deep into it as he could ti make it softer and less resistant 

[VisAnastasis]

That approach was more fruitful, as, no matter how hard it was for king to open up, it was undeniable to his senses that water was something he needed and that even the toughest resistance couldn't deny that was very pleasant to feel it again after such long time.
A little progress at a time, inch by inch, more of the parched land from within the soil was receiving its water as it sank deeper, and exploring feeling of relief that came with it was very nice and soothing, as it allowed deeper more concealed parts of Svarik to come in contact with that precious healing balm.

[Mirach]

Svarik guided that water in this manner through a few of the barrieres until he felt it's too much for once and he needs rest before trying to do anything else.

[VisAnastasis]

While he was resting the few breached barriers very lingering little vulnerably, not used to being handled, but by feeling water after a long time of being closed up and twisted, they seemed to slowly and hesitantly relax and grow looser, and it seemed some stretched up a little instinctively to make more water come through in contact with them. It was easier to do this when Sage wasn't there in person, and there wasn't anyone around to make Svarik feel threatened - like this, experience had left him feel touchy and vulnerable, and little fearful of it perhaps going wrong, but surprising lack of pain, and even more so, soothing of existing pains, was helping the process go more smoothly, as instead of forcing it upon himself, Svarik's soul seemed to respond well to relief being washed upon it patiently, responding to it like to a little intimidatingly strong, but soothing healing song.

[Mirach]

Svarik rested for some time, just feeling the results of what he did so far and letting it sink in. Then he again returned to tending to the soil, fineing that relaxing.

[VisAnastasis]

There was some ease and reassurance about being able to do that, and not having to rush anything. Not forcing himself on this, and not having to finish any obligations, talk with anyone, put on a polite smile for anyone - all that was refreshing change. Despite it wasn't his comfort zone, tending to land was something that already was build into him, and it was nice, to be able to breathe and just do what he wanted to, undisturbed by noises or anyone's distress. After a long time, he was doing something just for himself, and both that knowledge and this new experience sinking in felt nice, as it was freeing to be able to make choices again and not fear for his own safety, now when he was alone by himself and could put some thoughts and acts into some relaxing self care.

[Mirach]

Relaxing did not come that easily to Svarik, as after a while he started to wonder if Xia and Erdel aren't worried for him, and if the Sage is feeling better already. But he knew that worrying about that will not help anything, and tried to clear his mind from those thoughts.

[VisAnastasis]

His worry was lightly reflected in the surrounding, as it seemed to make sky a little grayer in color again. King knew Erdel and Xia reasonably well - it was most definite they would not leave his side, Xia, because of desiring to protect him and have fun with him, and Erdel, well, as he desired to protect him from harm, so it came to similar grounds. There was no ways to check on them, though, without Sage who could go in and out of the Heart as he pleased, so only thing Svarik could do was trust that the man of the sea reassured his friends properly about king's state before he went to rest.
It dawned on meadow king, that best way to make sure they won't worry, is probably to just look after himself well now that he can, as they'd probably be more worried if he ended up hurt or unhappy with this experience, much more than by just having him be absent for a night, since at night, he always would sleep while they remained awake, anyway.

[Mirach]

Worrying about his friends was the first symotom of Svarik getting a little restless, as he wasn't used to taking care of himself for this long. He would do that, or allow his friends to care for him, for some time, but then he would start worrying about other things, subconsciously feeling that others deserve care more than himself. He walked restlessly for a while as the sky darkened. Then he stopped suddenly, as he realized one thing - that the feeling is just another of the barrieres, and one rather hard to overcome. It was more subtle than seeing himself as not worthy of the care. His friends did help with that, he knew he deserved it. The problem was that he felt that others deserve it more and should get it first..."

[VisAnastasis]

Putting himself on the last place, however nobly did he try to justify it, he could feel, was in its own way, a form of neglect. He did not see himself unworthy of care, but he devalued himself by always striving to help others instead of help himself in this state in which he was deeply hurt too. He ignored and supressed his suffering, not dealing with it under excuse of helping others. It was not like he did not love helping and did not care for his friends - but by bottling down his experience and not dealing with it, he was denying himself care he needed. How many time did he even play for himself since Long night? No more than once. And how many times did he play for others? Countless. Carrying for others was a defend mechanism as well - doing something that helped others made him feel more valuable and worthy... but it was a double edged sword. To be able to heal, he needed to really allow himself time to care about himself instead of just pretending before everyone, even himself, that everything is fine now just because the events passed - he needed to learn, as Sage has told him, to just have time for himself, and truly be patient with oneself.

[Mirach]

It was a difficult barriere to overcome, even if Svarik already acknowledged it. He started lightly, by trying to convince himself that his friends will be fine, even if they maybe miss him or worry for him, that right now it's more important to focus on himself than on Xia missing him and that he doesn't have to feel quilty for that.

[VisAnastasis]

The sky was dark with his concerns and worries, and there was some tension within the earth, as his alert attitude was making his soul subconsciously uncomfortable and tense, anticipating something bad anod coming up with bad premonitions. Image of his friends worrying was something hard to get rid of, and it seemed to slowly start disrupting the peace that the rain has brought upon him before, those worries being something he had to deal with if he didn't want them to overwhelm him. Erdel and Xia both were strong, capable of defending themselves, and capable of patience to wait for him, as they both wanted him to be well more than just wanting to have all of his own time for themselves without giving him free time to breathe  - it was something he had to accept, if he wanted to let go of it and be able to deal with his own hurts, instead of just worrying about inconveniencing them.

[Mirach]

He spent some time thinking about that idea and slowly accepting it, finding it hard to do even if he knew it's true.