Re: Svarik and the company II

[VisAnastasis]

" Well, I can always crush you... some shells so you can mix them up with sweets. Shells put within shells. Shellception. " vampire snorted out in almost joking manner, before he added more seriously. " Or you can save part of the shells for future treats, when you want to put a cupcake or some candies into it, so you wouldn't have to come and search all over again. I would be okay with that. "

[Mirach]

"Thank you for the offer, I appreciate it," Senecio said. "But I must admit that I would rather come next time if I need more shells. I'm tired and I still need to fill, decorate and wrap them..."

[VisAnastasis]

" As long as you make sure to promise you shall never come at nighttime again for this, I guess it would be... alright. I just wouldn't want to imagine you crushing your skull on one of these sharp cliffs while I am not around. " Erdel whispered. He bit his lip, and looked up thoughtfully at the actor, before adding slowly. " And if it's too much for one person, I guess I could.. Help you out with it, perhaps? Wrapping and decorating, I mean? " he offered carefully. " I'd like to see how it all turns out. And I have a decent experience with art and crafts from classes in Orphanage. " he added with, surprisingly, a little more vulnerability. " It was never, hm, anything special or awestrucking, but I did get instilled kind of basic skill level, and if you could use another pair of hands, I could be of assistance... "

[Mirach]

Senecio thought for a moment, but then he swallowed his pride and nodded. "Alright, if you want to... It would be faster that way. I promised Tide to visit him after we finish shopping, he's already waiting for me..."

[VisAnastasis]

The pause between Erdel's question and actor's reply was too long, though, and vampire gritted his teeth, seeming bewildered as he noticed Senecio's indecisiveness.
" I am trying really hard, you know. It's not exactly easiest act, to be friendly with someone who swung a knife at you and your loved ones. But I am doing my best. " he said gloomily, looking away. " What... do you have so much against me? Did I not treat you fairly? Were my tries not earnest enough? I don't want your politeness or pity. If you don't want my help, just... say so... "

[Mirach]

Senecio looked at him dumbfounded. "I am trying to be friendly as well, dammit! You just don't let me! You insist on doing everything for me and don't let me do anything for you! You are just making me feel more and more ashamed of myself..."

[VisAnastasis]

" My kindness is making you ashamed? What do you expect me to do, then? Be mean to you? " Erdel stuttered, waving away with his hands with some helpless frustration. " I don't want to be all cruel and sarcastic just so you can feel better about being a jerk to me! But excuse me if I am not exactly all calm and cheery around you... If I recall right, first time we were sitting down all politely, you stabbed me repeatedly! Excuse me for having trust issues, but if being kind does not do it for you, I have no idea what you expect from me... "

[Mirach]

"It's not your kindness that makes me ashamed, but that you won't let me repay it. And also, it's Tide's gift. With something else, I would accept the help without hesitation, but this is special. It's my first gift to him, and it feels a bit like cheating on it..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Well, you should have thought of it before you invited me to get him something! I can't afford to buy him anything, but I was glad I could have done this, at least, to make his day little more special! " Erdel exclaimed tiredly, pointing at the basket of shells. " This was about Tide, not me, and I was content so... I thought having a little bit from me and you both would make him happier. And it's not true that I don't let you repay my kindness. I just don't want you to think you can repay it with money. " he looked away from him, adding hoarsely, almost, with some disappointment. " I just wanted to find some nice peculiar stuff from the ocean, to sprinkle within your sweets - but you was all like, no, please, don't do that, I want those as well to be all from me, and your efforts are making mine look bad. I just wanted to do a cool little art and craft project with you to prepare it, and you gave me a sour face and pause as if I asked you for stars in the sky, yet you wonder, why am I frustrated? I will never give you chance, to think you can buy me - but I gave you chances, to engage with me with something I want to do, like I enjoyed when we were choosing him sweets together. I was straight up giving you chances to be kind to me... " he frown wearily and disappointingly. " ...you was the one that was all protective of your present and acted all bothered by my efforts. You made it about yourself. "

[Mirach]

"You mean that... you consider it kind, if I let you do something for someone else?" Senecio frowned as he tried to get that concept, rather new to him. "Most people I know would appreciate a gift for themselves, or even money. And how is it possible that you can't afford a present yourself? You are the king's friends, and he employs you... And do you really care for Tide that much?" he asked with a little hint of jealousy, as he felt that Erdel would be a better match for Tide than him, being a powerful demon.

[VisAnastasis]

" Of course I care for him. He was kind to me ever since we met. He respected me in every way. I am... proud... to be considered a friend, of someone like that. " Erdel said hoarsely. " He is a great man. It is... Such unexpected delight for me... To meet a demon, a demon of all things - who is so.. purehearted. Don't you know how pleasant change it is, to be in company of someone who considers you wonderful instead of filthy but passable mistake of nature? Existence of someone so delightful despite being demon.. is a proof I may not end up a mistake, either.... " He looked away. " I told you. I got.... divorced. Ser Falcon assigned me a very generous pay, and I chose to spent three years of it that he was willing to give me in advance, to make sure my wife and child is secured. It is a heavy matter for my heart, but while it's not fun to be penniless, I need not eat or sleep, and I could never justify taking a penny for myself, for possibility of them surviving ever with little less comfort. I wanted my baby girl to have a good future, once. If they'll accept it, I'll send them more, when I start earning anew, though, I doubt my wife shall allow even that to me - she'll probably remarry soon enough... " vampire stuttered reply through his teeth, his voice sounding rather rasp, as it seemed the reminder had caused him much pain. " That's why... I don't have money for presents, and I am not ashamed of that. I may not be a proper demon quite yet, and I can't transform nor I have blessings, but I am still... doing my best. I am  honoring people that looked after me and took care of me. At least I am good at that. "

[Mirach]

Senecio calmed with that, and nodded slowly. "I remember... But I could get you some present that you wanted... I was asking you all the time. I was even asking you about a present for Tide, if you wanted to give him something. And I really don't know anyone who would consider helping someone with something a kindness from the other side. Did you really enjoy it?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Of course I was enjoying it... at first. It was nice to imagine how happy Tide would be, when he gets it. The bakery, and all the glitters and sweets, it was fun.... But then you ruined it for me, with that, that... selfish attitude. " vampire rasped through his teeth, crossed hands, avoiding his look - it really seemed that he wouldn't bother to speak up of it, had actor's behavior not offended him. " It is not about me helping you... I really thought that... That you wanted that help. I thought you wanted to make Tide happy, by giving him the best possible gift to his tastes, by asking someone who knows. I had overflown you with advises, and I invested myself into it. But I see I was wrong.... You don't want best possible gift for Tide. You'll settle for lamer gift, as long as it's all from your highest regarding self and as long as you don't have to share the credit. " he gritted his teeth firmly and angrily. " For me, it was not about doing this for you... I wanted to do this *with* you. I was telling you or doing what I wanted to do, like with seeking shells, but you did not try to adjust to my wants, being all preoccupied with your precious fancy present, or trying to force another meaningless overly expensive present in my own lap. You did not invite me here for my sake, or Tide's. You was only doing it to try to appease your conscience. "

[Mirach]

"Is it selfish that I wanted the present to be from me? I do appreciate help and advice, but as it turned out, it would be mostly your present. I just imagine giving it to him and saying "here, this is something from Erdel and me, we made it for you together..." That's nice - for a common friend. But does it sound romantic to you? This is important to me. If you want to give him something as well, you should have told so, and we could make two presents together. I did enjoy working on it together and looking forward to Tide's reaction. With two present, we could divide the credit. But with one? Imagine giving flowers to your wife, and saying "by the way, these are from me and our neighbor, we bought them for you together". How does that sound to you?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Why is fact you couldn't gather enough shells on your own so shameful to you? I was not ashamed that you bought all the expensive sweets - I just did what I could and let you do what I couldn't. Tide was not like you. He was not proud ask for someone else to do something that he couldn't do, like bloom flowers. Or did you already forget that it was meadow king, not Tide, who grew the violets for your present? Tide may have gathered the seeds, but it was my king that invested a lot of his music and magic, to make them bloom for him. That present would not be possible, without sire's part in it. And was Tide insecure about it? You can bet he wasn't. " Erdel whispered quietly. " He was grinning from ear to ear, thanking him thousand  times, beaming, sincerely and brightly, that he had the chance to get those cute little purple flowers for you... My king also did not ask for anything in return, but simply did it for Tide's happiness. You ask me if I call you selfish? Yes, I do. It's not like this is one and only present for Tide. It's just the first, and if you really wanted to be romantic, there was no point in asking me what gift a demon like Tide would find meaningful. You should had lazily bought him flowers and he done with it, without bothering to be creative like he was for you. He would find meaningful and fulfilling, to see we set aside our differences, in order to join forces to make him something glittery and lovely... not if you got him couple of dead flowers.  " he sighed sadly, still refusing to look upon actor. " I've been trying to, whole evening.... But my strength is spent. I bothered for nothing. It all seems... effort wasted... "

[Mirach]

"I'm sorry," Senecio whispered, sitting down tiredly. "I just wanted to get this right... There is a difference with the violets. The king did it for Tide, not for me. It would feel weird if he grew them for me... And you didn't really want to be friendly with me, did you? Why would you? You have no reason to be friendly to me. You just wanted to give a present to Tide..." he murmured with the experience of his little, friendless world. "It's fine... just finish it and give it to him. I can buy flowers..."

[VisAnastasis]

" You think I would be happy with Tide getting a lame gift from you and cool one from me?" Young demon sighed a little less angrily, more baffled. " Tell me something... were you, like, dropled on the head as a child or something?" In the sour sad tone, there was bemusement. " You would have to be, not to heed for future, like this. I ideally want to be Tide's friend forever, or in worst case, as far as our lifetimes will allow... tell me, what is point of that friendship, if each time I visit him he feels awful and awkward about my uneasiness with his boyfriend. Don't you see we need to sort this through, if we aren not gonna make him unhappy? And don't you know it literaly costs us nothing not to jerks to each other and get along?" Vampire whispered, baffled." Do you know I spent, like, hours of morning, searching for shells, some for my friends back home, and rest to give to Tide? I presented him with such gift already, that's why I know he enjoys it. I didn't want to give Tide *the bestest* gift myself. I wanted to help *you* make Tide the bestest gift ever. It's a world of difference. One puts me in focus, other one puts *  the gift* in focus. Whyever, would I have desire to do this on my own? I am no artist, really. But I sow the craft as something we could use to get to know each other better, to get more friendly. It's not my fault you came of as so disturbed by what I wanted. I.. needed that, if I was to be calmer with you. Building trust is not easy. It takes time, and both sides willing to mend and make steps to each other... I am exhausted, from making steps whole evening.  It is not my fault your priority was not to make a step in my direction, but instead  to, like, protect, clearly more important copyright of your gift. Really, are you a lawyer or an actor, you... you.... stupid donut? " Creature murmured tiredly and with frustration. It was embracing its knees and looking aside in the distance, looking quite tired and pained, as if the efforts exhausted him emotionaly, and left him drained and vulnerable.

[Mirach]

"I am... just someone who played dozens of lovers but has never been in love myself..." Senecio sighed. "I want to do this right, but I don't really know what that is, just what's in the plays. So you wanted to, like... bond with me, or befriend me? I really didn't think you would want that. But you do not really want it, do you? It's just for Tide... I just wanted to make amends, because I did not want to hurt you, but I did. I was clear about that, I believe. I did not expect us to become friends, and I still don't. You don't feel it, do you? You just want to force yourself into it for Tide. Just tell me if it's not so, and I will try to reconsider what I think. Because I think you are just trying to pretend something that you don't really want. And by the way, I agreed to your offer of help. You are just judging me for the pause before an answer..."

[VisAnastasis]

Erdel was quiet for a while. This time, he took a while, before responding, as if wanting to make sure his words have weight .
" You are right... I was judging you for a pause... But not because of pause. I just felt frustrated, because I tried so hard,  and none of my tries seemed to be accepted fondly. Or am I not right, that you would accept my requests quietly, but not with gladness, only because you wanted to be polite to someone you hurt and felt it would be rude otherwise? I was just tired of trying, when my excitement was met with... apathy. " he murmured. " I can't do this, if my help is seen as meddling, and my tries as annoyance. It just sucks out all the joy I could have from it. It came of as very rude to me, and it hurt my feelings. " he whispered, still refusing to look at him. " If we could not find common ground while doing something nice for someone we both care for, then what kind of lover to him are you, and what kind of friend to him I am? I didn't say I want your undying devotion... nor desire it, right now. But I sow you wanted to make amends, and I wanted to give you chance to do so. I am not saying I am comfortable right now... But if we don't make first steps, we'll never be comfortable with each other. You'll always be bothered by guilt and shame when you see me, and I will always be bothered by painful memories, of what you did to me. If we want to get along, of course first steps will be hard... But they're doable. Only not if you deem me an annoyance of your conscience, instead of... a person. I see you as person, though. I don't want you to be overwhelmed with guilt, like this. I know how terrible that feels, and if at least you're free from such feelings, I'd say, that I would prefer that. Why is it so hard for you, to believe? "

[Mirach]

"Because..." Senecio threw his hands up, "because I don't know anyone like this! I don't know anyone who would honestly try to put l behind and get along after this. First it nice as we were shopping, I though that I could make it a little better, at least. But then, when you wanted to help me in everything, and do everything for me, I started to think you really *want* to be an annoyance on my conscience, and that you are doing it on purpose to show me how much better person you are than me and how I can't never repay you what you are doing for me... I just... could not believe that you are even better person than that, and that you would really want to try getting along. I'm really sorry for misjudging you like that..."

[VisAnastasis]

A little praise, however strange, seemed to appease Erdel's stirred feelings a little bit. Anew, he gave himself a little time to take in the words said, before he replied quietly.

" I told you... That I can not give you my forgiveness yet. I need some time, to heal a little, and to see, that I was not wrong about you. I told you I will not give you forgiveness you seek, before, as I return in two weeks, I see that you're really treating Tide well, honestly, without pretenses. I sow that as a concious but honest effort from my side, to get along... When you came to me today, with offer of getting something to Tide, I just thought that you have chosen to make an effort from your side sooner. I could see in your eyes that you felt guilty and ashamed and I wanted to humor you.  It was still little too early, yes, but as it was honest, it seemed alright for me to accept it. " he shook his head quietly, keeping his look safely at the sea. " I did accept it begrudgingly, I admit... I really grew fond of the idea, thought. I loved all the sweets, and I adored all the glitter. I was thinking, yes, Tide's really going to love this... " he sighed. " But then you was all, like... Yeah, I invited you to tag along... But like, just to tag along... I really tried to participate... to find some neat shells and stuff... to mix it up with sweets with you later.... You was the one who was treating me as if I am just... just some guard meant to monitor you, and nothing more. You excluded me... and it was not fun or funny anymore, to me... "

[Mirach]

"So you really enjoyed that? Diving into the cold water? Digging in the dirt?" Senecio asked faintly. "You was doing all the hard work..."

[VisAnastasis]

" But it was something I *could* do. I was build for this - to not be bothered by cold, to see through water and smell through soil. This was something I could do, but you got all bitter about it. I wasn't bitter, when you was throwing your money around, and got to buy, like, half the bakery shop, was I? I recognized that with that money, you was able to do something that, with all my strength, I couldn't. " vampire murmured tiredly and unhappily. " In human views, what I did would be hard work - but it's not a hard work for a demon. That is my only advantage. That's only thing I have going for me - this raw power. Water is not cold for my senses... Tough soil is but like honey compared to my sharp claws... It was not hard work for a demon. It was just something... I was... dare I say..." he cleared his through as he added word uncertainly. " proud... to be capable of. Before you started treating it as meddling in your gift, and I felt ashamed for it... "

[Mirach]

"I apologize, then," Senecio said quietly. "I did not understand your motives..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Well... I guess we both did too much of assuming, based on what we'd expect in each other's places. I... Apologize, if, um... I ruined this, um... gift of yours... for you... with my meddling... I will admit... I don't feel it's quite fair, since you was one who invited me in the first place... But I could see how you could feel of it, as... nuisance... I don't find it fair, but I understand it... " vampire replied, a little more hesitantly, but truthfully. " So... What should we do now? "