Re: Svarik and the company II

[Mirach]

Senecio tightened his embrace vulnerably with the first part, the words finally feeling like a balm to his hurt feelings, and not further jarring of them. At the end, he couldn't have but chuckle at little. "That might be a bit too much, but it's nice to listen to it. And you are marvelous, deep and mysterious like the sea, and so very kind and sweet.... I would never hurt you intentionally..."

[VisAnastasis]

Tide sniveled frailly with the compliment, with vulnerable and sad, but deep longing for warmth and gentleness, for something kind and reassuring, for something to soothe the deep hurt.
" If it's...um... convenient... Would you... Would you mind telling me again... that I am... uniquely beautiful? " he bid longingly. " I felt so special, when you said it last night... It felt like most perfect present... " he explained hoarsely, hiding his face in embrace vulnerably. " If not that... anything nice, please... If you can not find words, it's okay if it's some part from your plays, even... I won't mind... as long as you mean it... Just something... anything nice, please... I am... in need... "

[Mirach]

Senecio smiled a bit. "You are the most unique and beautiful creature I know," he whispered into Tide's ear. "You are beautiful and radiant like a diamond with many facetes, reflecting light..."

[VisAnastasis]

Tide snorted a little shyly at that, and hesitantly caressed actor's hair.
" And you are like a diamond in the rough... " he replied to him quietly. " I have been watching humanity for such long while, and I know to recognize them. Sage was once like you... A frail young slave, with no roots and family - and, behold, what a wonderful diamond I made of him! " he finally smiled a bit more freely at a pleasant memory. " I am a craftsman, a gemcutter, and I can recognize thousand of precious stones and nurture them to shapes most fit for them... " he leaned his head against actor's, as he breathed out innocently, beside his face, a gust of fresh oxygen, through bathed breath. " You think yourself a piece of coal... All I want is a chance to show you you are unpolished diamond instead. All I wish to pursue, is a chance to polish you, till you sparkle and reflect light with many facets, like you say that I do... "

[Mirach]

"I really hope that you can do that, and won't be dissappointed instead..." Senecio murmured, still a bit doubtfully.

[VisAnastasis]

" You know... And please don't take it the wrong way... But you have a bit of double standards here.." Tide sighed a little. " You got hurt over me doubting you... While you are actually the one that is doubting me all the time. You always doubt my affections, and consider my statements don't hold weight as if I may change opinion every moment now, don't you? " he suggested carefully and tensely, not wanting actor to get mad again, but having to say it. " Please, correct me if I am wrong... But it seems to me that, in grand scheme of things, whenever I do or say something, specially nice, or something I pour my heart into, it's not me, but you, who goes *I don't believe this, nope, too surreal, must be dream*... And once I doubt you, and get all the backlash... it just doesn't seem... as fair to me... "

[Mirach]

"I do not doubt you..." Senecio murmured tiredly. "I do not doubt that you love the one whom you imagine me to be. I just can't get rid of the doubt that I am not like you imagine me... and when your doubt confirms mine, then it hurts."

[VisAnastasis]

" I don't want it to always be like this. I feel like I am having to restrain and censor myself, so I can not accidentally make you think I mean ill of you or don't like you. It's hard to feel restrained for someone who loves to be free and spontaneous. " Tide whispered miserably. " I want to get to know you better, but I can only do that with communication. If I say or do something that hurts you unknowingly and you shut down and become unresponsive to my efforts, then it feels like you are punishing me and pushing me away, and it hurts. What do I have to do... to prevent that? Tell, me, please... Because I don't know... and just being kind and loving apparently does not work... " he stuttered painfully. " Because you assign it to whatever love-struck imagination you think I have... instead of to sincere liking and infatuation with you... "

[Mirach]

"You just know me for three days, I don't think it's enough to say if you love me or just someone you imagine me to be. We will only see that with time. But I know that you would not hurt me intentionally, either. So if you do that accidentally, do not be afraid that I would want to punish you. It is forgiven the moment it is done. I just need to deal with the hurt in what way seems best for me. I may need some time alone to get over it. I'm used to do that, not to talk about my hurts. Talking just leads to more hurts, from my experience... So if I want to be alone then, it is not to punish you. It's just.. because I need it, alright? If you want to talk after that, we can talk. I will tell you when I am ready to talk, but it just might not be right away..."

[VisAnastasis]

" It just seems to me... That it may not be... best coping mechanism, perhaps? " Tide suggested, carefully picking words. " Please, hear me out... Try to think about it, with unclouded judgement. You want to let time soothe you, instead of me. But don't you think that, perhaps... I could be a better mended, than time? After all, Time does not care about your well being, where I do... And it's clear time did a very poor job for you, if words your father told you as child still sting so deeply... Maybe I could be better healer, than time, that's all I am saying..." he whispered quietly. " You are used to quietly get over your pain... You are used to scrap your knees and suffer silently and pretend it's not a big deal... But you signed up for a demon that is hyper sensitive, and has deep desires to fix everyone's scrapped knees. That's why I am so beloved in my world. I literally, like, am ready, 24/7, to tear of parts of my very soul, to help my people. That is ho you signed up for. " he smiled sadly. " And you are now part of my world, like it or not. I felt better, despite I am still hurting, when you told me of your father, because I feel privileged, when you chose to share me more of your world and your hurts. I don't want time to heal your scrapped knees... I desire to have that privilege. I know it requires adjusting from you.... But will you at least consider this plea of mine, please? "

[Mirach]

"I might not be able to do that right away," Senecio said quietly. "Not before I know... no, before we both know... that you really love me, and not an image of me. And I don't know if even then. When I'm hurt by something else, I can imagine going to you. But if it's you who hurts me accidentally, I might need some distance to calm and collect my thoughts, to be able to talk about it..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Okay, we can start smaller... Going to me for hurts old and hurts from others, so you can get used to it... that could be our start, if you want. As for hurts by my hand..  I will be... more patient, then... and not demand it right away..  as long as you do reassure me that you are just dealing with hurt, and not trying to punish me for my wrong doing." Creature whispered quietly. It sighed, as it, vulnerably and hesitantly, as if offering him a frail piece of himself, added." I have been... in many relationships, short and long... and when I was more innocent, and less wise - I had my share of... ending in toxic relationships too... " he said quietly, with strained voice, leaning at his side vulnerably." It was demanding, manipulating and demeaning... but when you long for love as deeplyvas I do, you end up falling into pit of dispair, and feeling that mishandling is just sacrifice you need to pay for love. It was hard to let go, but I learned my lesson... and ever since, I was very careful. I double check all the time, if both parties are safe and secure in it, because toxic bonds are most terryfying ones. Because cruelty is in them, posing as love, andbit is hard to tell difference..." He gulped." It's not... about thinking you are incompetent... I just need... to feel safer. Last night was terifying, because it was manipulative. Joy is sacred, and you was denying me joy and responding dully and appathetically to my needs and excitement. You made me feel quilty for doing something wrong, without telling me what, and denying me chance to make amends like I am a dog who misbehaved and won't get dinner because of crime he does not understand... it was... so very hard... it was not act of equals... it was demeaning... and I was scarred and sad... in toxic setting..."

[Mirach]

Senecio sobbed again with the reminder how deeply he unknowingly hurt Tide. "I did not mean any of that in such a way... Please, trust ke in this, even if you don't trust me in other things. I would never do something like that to you with intent..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I can feel more secure in that belief today, after all you told me. But last night you told me nothing, and any safetynor security was out of question." Creature whispered." That is all I am asking... please, try to reconsider your decisions before you make them? Please? Because that is only way you can tryly earn my trust. Even Hans, I don't trust all the time, as that is normal, and yet, you demand my blind trust after only three days?" He gulped." I am not belittling you... but please, do please take in consideration... that we met under very unfavorable circmstances. You literaly tried to hurt my friends and you hurt my nephew. I am taking a big leap of faith by trusting in you... but that is what I want to do. I believe you can grow into a beautiful butterfly, if given chance to heal properly, and I really like you, and I hope you may help me grow a little too. I think I we have a great potential... I live for a day, when you can say something outlanfish, and I can just grin at you and believe you fully, but we just need to work a little, a little more hard to get there, you understand? I know it is not easy thing to ask for... but I please, bid you to try... not to demand my blind trust so soon... just like you need time to be reassured about my affections, I need time for this..."

[Mirach]

Senecio sobbed again, and then he nodded heavily. "I see now... it's unreasonable to expect you to trust me right away... t stings when I put a lot of effort into something, and then I am dobted about doing it... like climbing that house, you know? But I can't expect you to know if I put effort into something or not... You can't know that. I will not expect you to, I promise. But could you do just one thing for me? Do not assume. Don't say "you didn't do it, did you?"... If you are not sure, just ask. "Did you do it?" I will tell you. If you assume that I didn't right away, then I can't tell you... I only can defend myself..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I see... I agree, that I have made that mistake. It was out of my anxiety, but I did assume too much. I put you in... unfavorable position... " Tide howled sadly. " I apologize. I never meant to hurt you intentionally. I will not assume your incompetence again, like I did last night. I will just ask when I am not sure. I see it's a trigger for you, so I will avoid it, to the best of my knowledge... And I am thankful... that you told me about it. You have given me a tool for making sure I won't cause you this same pain twice. That is communication. That is meaningful, to me... " he whispered through his heavy tears, and maybe with it, he but dared to lean to him a bit, and he lightly kissed his head - not like a lover this once, too vulnerable for that still, but this time, more gently, protectively, with more warm parental note.

[Mirach]

"Thank you..." Senecio whispered tiredly, gently leaning on him.

[VisAnastasis]

Creature did not reply, it just remained quiet, letting him lean on him. It was not crying anymore, but it more seemed as if the talk distracted him from it, than that he was at peace yet, his emotions too stirred by stress of suffering through the night, to just calm on their own instantly. He remained so, though, for as long as he could, feeling actor needs a brake. He did not speak up for long while... He was just silent.

" You said... When I asked you... That you are not used, to be asked for permission... that if you don't say anything against it, that it's alright, and that if it's not alright, you'd just tell me. Does that boundary still stand? " he asked but quietly only after a moment. " I don't want to try anything inappropriate... I just wish to know... Because I am in pain, and there is maybe something you can do about it, if you really want that... but I need us to establish clean boundaries, to feel safer interacting with you again... because you was touching me without permission... and I don't like that... as my body is but my soul... and I need boundaries... "

[Mirach]

Senecio withdrew quickly and miserably. "I'm sorry..." he whispered downheartedly. "I'm forgetting myself..."

[VisAnastasis]

" It is not sign of rejection, do not see it like such, please... Those are just my boundaries. I want to be comfortable with you, and that is only reason I am insisting on them. " creature whispered quietly, relaxing a little. " Those are mine... Can you reaffirm me, please, now anew, what are yours, so I am sure you can be comfortable with me too? "

[Mirach]

"I'm sorry, I'm just not used to speak about things like that..." Senecio murmured. "If I don't like a touch, I withdraw... if I can. I know I can with you, and that is enough for me."

[VisAnastasis]

That * if I can* may have been subtle, but it was still an insight into actor's life, a subtle one that, unlike sarcasm, Tide's mind was inclined to pick up, though. That insight, a sign of trust, seemed to mellow him up a little and regain a bit of his affections.  

" So you will tell me, if you don't want it? Okay, then... That is all I desire to make sure of..." creature said with a little compassionate smile...and then it stood up. It did not leave, though. It leaned forth, and gently and inocently, as if he was indeed made from something soft and frail... he raised him up from the ground, not into an embrace, but into carrying position, same one as one that first night, picking him up from a ground like a flower. That one was out of necessity of jumping out of window, and this one out care, though - and Tide innocently curled actor comfortably in his strong hands, and started carrying him, as you would a little child.

[Mirach]

Senecio chuckled, but then he closed his eyes. The position, although rather undignified, felt strangely calming and comfortable to him, like something he wished his father to do when he scraped his knees, but that he never got.

[VisAnastasis]

Tide walked through the halls aimlessly for a while, letting the talk and experience cool down a little, so they could both calm down a little bit. It was not time, but actor's apparent ease and pleasure in his company, that soothed demon's feelings a little, and helped him not to feel as conflicted and uncomfortable.
After an aimless lasting walk through the beautiful halls, only after a while, creature slowly climbed up to the door, to his room.
" This is not an end of my plans for today... I'd prefer you to look at it as a little... brake. " he said to actor then. " That is, I am not done with what I wanted, but I'd prefer if we could make a short stop... Because, there is this, um, little kindness you could do for me, that should not really be delayed, and... I've delayed it last night already... "

[Mirach]

"Yes?" Senecio asked, not sure if Tide means the present or something else.