Re: Svarik and the company II

[VisAnastasis]

" That are your words, not mine. It's your father speaking, though you. " creature whispered hoarsely. " I never said you have no other qualities or that I wanted to dump you, only that your actions left me hurting. You are my violet in the grass... " he sobbed. " Of course I want you, still... "

[Mirach]

"Why... Why would you?" Senecio asked vulnerably, catching his breath. "It may be my father speaking, but I'm saying it as well. His views are a part of me now, even if I hate it..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I am not searching for perfection, and I am not offering a saint... " creature whispered, speaking as quietly as during the whole exchange here and in kitchen. " I need someone who will love me and take me as I am, and I want to love and take that someone as he is. To me, you are a most beautiful rose, and it's okay if you have thorns... " he said chokingly, grasping at his check vulnerably, as if trying to grasp at his wounded heart. " When those thorns prick me unexpectedly, I just can't ignore the pain, that's all... But that doesn't mean I no longer want my rose... "

[Mirach]

"And you think I can ignore it?" Senecio sobbed. "I know that I hurt you... I really feel sorry for it, and I wish I knew how to make it right... But you hurt me as well, and acted like it doesn't matter because of your own hurt..." he whispered, not running anymore, but retreating slowly.

[VisAnastasis]

" Am I the one that decided to rather fall asleep than talk to me about his feelings? You put a wall between us that I did not know how to climb. I don't deny that blame lies on both of us for it, though. You chose to ignore your hurt and shut down from me... And I remained quietly in pain too, not wanting to upset you further. In hindsight, neither of it helped... " his voice trembled. " But I wanted to hold your hand so we could have chance to relax and get to be close and talk it though... Not to have you fall asleep and leave me upset. Had I understood your pain better, I would not feel so neglected and sad. I would acknowledge it and look after you. But I did not know, and I was only left with the blame of knowledge I ruined something important to you without intent, left with knowledge you'd rather sleep then mend misunderstanding with me, left with accusations of hurting you, while I was hurting myself, being denied joy of your company, your present, or joy of sharing joy with you. If we talked, we would be able to understand each other better. You thought you soothed me with caresses, but caresses are empty and sharp like glass without words of reassurance and mutual understanding. " he shook his head sadly. " I can't read minds, and you keep acting as if I can. I could only see I hurt you, but I did not know how. Things need to be talked though, and you were not willing to talk. I can't read minds, but I do know there can be no love without understanding. Or do you not agree with me? If you recall right, we both doubted each other yesterday prior to this. We feared we were not good enough for each other, and would seek Erdel, or someone better who shows up. But we talked it through, and reached better understanding, and was not our kiss as we sealed peace not terribly more sweeter with that? " he asked hoarsely. " Ar least it was so, to me... "

[Mirach]

Senecio kept retreating slowly, shooking his head. "Stop doing that, please... Just stop. You keep explaining why I you have bigger right to feel hurt than me, instead of just acknowledging it so we can move on, if you really want that... I did not want to talk about that hurt. I was too tired for such talk, but I think that's hard to understand to you... Sometimes people say things they don't really mean when they are tired. Speaking of that, I didn't get much sleep anyways, so I'm maybe doing that right now... but that hurt would pass on its own, if you just wouldn't keep adding to it now, more and more... That's where talking led us. You say caresses are empty and sharp, I say words are..."

[VisAnastasis]

Creature did not move an inch, he just watched the actor quietly for a moment. Then he took a deep breath.
" Words are powerful. It are words of your father, that are still hurting you. You are the one that said you needed me to silence them, and that's only way you can do so. So... " he cleared his throat as he added sadly. " I need you to know... That I am only hurting because you are. Your hurt is my hurt. I am here, trying to soothe you, instead of in kitchen soothing my heart, because you are important to me. Do you not see your well being is more important to me than any material present would be? " he whispered fervently, and it seemed he tried to seek for way to change his father's words with his own. " Just because you skinned your heart, does not make you a disgrace. You did not lose value to me, for that. When you aee thorns, they can overwhelm you and cloud your eyes, and in pain, you can say things you don't want to... like call someone that's most pretty, ugly... " his voice trembled. " I didn't mean to say it. I am sorry, and I... apologize. Don't you see how much I love you and how much I desire for you to see yourself with pride? You are not clumsy, you are precise, and elegant, and when you walk, it's like I see a most wondrous dance, and when you act, I see talent, confidence, and beauty. " his eyes teared up anew. " I did not mean to say you are ugly... i am sad you feel it's your only advantage, yes, but I did not mean that... You are full of life's flavors, colors and virtues... You are sweet, and soft, like sugar, like.... cottom candy... " he trembled. " You did not skin your knee, but your heart... Others would say it's a little injury and you should walk it off, but I dare to disagree. What would make it feel better, and hurt less? That's what I want to give you. You don't need to climb any wall, do heavy feats of glory to prove worthy of being with me... Only tell me how to soothe your skinned heart, please. "

[Mirach]

Senecio stopped retreating and just sat down on the floor and hid his face in his palms, weeping. "No words..." he sobbed. "No more words..."

[VisAnastasis]

Creature howled sadly, but it nodded, respecting his wish. It made a hesitant step forward, but then it stopped anew, as if there really was a painful invisible wall between them, that he could not cross. He stepped and leaned on the wall instead, using it as support as he slid down on the ground, and, not able to keep himself from pain and be strong for both of them, not caring that his hand was injured and hurting more with it, he his his face with his palms, and he continued weeping too, in quiet and pained, suppressed sobs.

[Mirach]

Senecio managed to calm a little after a while, although still sobbing. He stood up and shifted closer to the demon and this time he did not ask for permission to embrace him. "When I said no words, I meant this, you silly..." he whispered.

[VisAnastasis]

Creature tensed with the hug. It was too tense, still, after everything, and did not return it, but it did not back away from it, either, as if cought between two fires, or wanting to leave it and wanting to stay in
same time.

" I... am not silly... I am.... slow... I most often don't get... sarcasm and stuff... till pointed out... I often take things... literally... as they are said... " he whispered through tears. " I am a man whom silence burns, like hot irons. I am not man for its vague subtleties... Actions and words, I am always in for that, but there is no comfort in being dormant and doing nothing. You did not sign up for the full package... I am who I am, not who you would wish me to be...  "

[Mirach]

"And I'm just learning what's in the package I signed up for..." Senecio said, and leaned his head on Tide's shoulder quietly, not speaking more.

[VisAnastasis]

" And I am just learning the same...There's no guilt in that.... it's supposed to be beautiful experience, getting to know.... not like.... this...  " creature whispered, and, despite it seemed very uncomfortable with it, as it did not feel the talk was concluded or got closure on it,  it still seemed to try against its pain to reach out for him.... and it hesitantly freed its healthy hand, and embraced him back with it, lightly and vulnerably.

[Mirach]

Senecio closed his eyes, needing to feel Tide's presence to be reassured that the demon still wants him after everything, and only with that, he slowly stopped sobbing.

[VisAnastasis]

It seemed that demons did not have that switch humans do, to stop crying - with endless supply of energy and not able to grow dehydrated, you was able to cry forever... you could cry out whole ocean, without a problem, with enough sadness in your heart. Tide held him close, and as actor requested, he did not speak anymore, but still, despite he tried to suppress it with all his might and his mind being strained by those efforts, he wept still and couldn't seem to stop, and it seemed to be humiliating and embarrassing to him that he's powerless to do anything about it, but stop he could not still.

[Mirach]

Senecio slowly caressed his hand in the embrace. "This is a reassuring caress, okay?" he murmured, as if translating a foreign language so they could understand each other. "It is not empty. It means that all will be well..."

[VisAnastasis]

" But we did not talk talk it through. We did not solve it, and got closure... " creature whispered sadly, still seeming hesitant and pained to say anything, measuring every word now, as if fearing actor would again forbid it to speak. " My freedom... Is restricted. I am told to ignore hurts and let time soothe them, but there is no closure in that. I am ordered not to inquire freely, but ignore my desire to fix and mend, and leave that to time, as if time has any desire to have anything with you. My mind is not human one. Every memory is sharp and clear, and it stays so. I can remember events thousands of years ago, as if they were couple seconds ago. How can all be well, when I would always remember it as it just happened, and remember it without any closure, as this terrible pain? " he trembled underneath caress. " How can you think I will be well, if it always stays lingering unsaid? "

[Mirach]

"But we only kept hurting each other with talking... explaining our own truth..." Senecio sighed. "What is there left unsaid?"

[VisAnastasis]

" I need to explain you my truth, in ways you can understand... And you need to explain me your truth... in way I can understand... That is how we reach... mutual... higher understanding... " creature whispered. " Without it, we could kiss and hug and caress all we want, but we would remain strangers. I did not mean to belittle your pain... I just desired for you, to understand mine. I just feel so sad. I am insecure about lot of things, and I often double check things to feel safer and calmer, but this is not, how I wished that day to end. For you, it was hours since it happened, but for me, it's been seconds... " he shook his head sadly. " You.... You ask much from me... When you want to drown my voice. And when you are hurt, and just brush me of and close of before me - it will always be much to ask for. When I see you scrapped you knee, and I wish to see if I can do anything to help, and you say it's just a scrapped knee, you'll always, always cause me pain. Time is an aspect that has effect on you, but it is not factor to me. I will just remain, feeling forever like I ruined, spoiled, hurt and let you down. Going to sleep without making peace with me first... It will always be worse than if someone stabbed me through my chest, because this is you, and because you are precious and special to me, and you rather wanted time to soothe you, than me, whom you dare call precious. I... am very sensitive, and even smallest of things stay with me forever. That... is what you signed up for... "

[Mirach]

Senecio sighed. "I understand... I know what I did wrong now. But I don't really know how to explain that I didn't mean it in other words than I already used. I did not want to make a deal of it, but I did not feel like I would be able to enjoy giving you the present. I see now that I should have talked about it, not go to sleep. But it was already long past midnight, and I didn't have the strength or will to talk anymore. I spent it all with Erdel. But I never meant to sleep without making peace with you. I told you what that caress meant. It wasn't empty..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I... felt like I was a child, being berated. " Tide admitted quietly. " It was like... Waving a colorful fun flag before my eyes... But then shunning me, and telling me I did not deserve it, because I misbehaved. You was not, like, let's please check it out together in the morning... you was, like... go see it, but I wish no part of it. It doesn't matter what you want, because all I want is to sleep.. " creature sniveled pitifully, hiding itself in his embrace. " I understand better, now, how you felt at a time... But it burned back then. I felt... Looked down upon. Less important that sleep. Less important than your time... Neglected. " he took a deep shaky breath. " I... love caresses... I love cuddles, and I enjoy kisses... It was only at that time, that they didn't feel honest... They felt like a pat on the back. Like... You wronged me and I won't give you chance to make it right... but here... take this caress as charity from me... As positive reinforcement... For misbehaving child. That's how it felt. "

[Mirach]

"But that's not how I meant it," Senecio whispered. "And I'm sorry that you would think that of me. You keep telling me how you think I have more than just a pretty face... and when it comes to proving that you really mean it, you doubt that I would get a nice preent for your friend, and you think of me that I would deem you less important than sleep... and then you tell me that I'm not even pretty to you anymore..."

[VisAnastasis]

" I thought about it.... I don't think I want to tell you that you are pretty anymore, anyway... " Tide whispered quietly to his ear, leaning head against his, and tightening the embrace vulnerably. " I don't want you to keep thinking I am with you only because you are pretty, and worry that I will leave you when you stop being pretty... From this moment on, I hereby pronounce you no longer pretty. " For the first time since last night, creature brought itself to smile faintly and very frailly through tears. " You are not pretty, you are just mine... And since you're no longer pretty, you can stop worrying I will break up with you over such a thing as beauty or lack of it... I never found you beautiful over shape of your face or color of your hair or eyes, anyway... " he brushed of the silly thought with a sneer. " I only found you beautiful because of that wonderful, entranced way you looked at me, and beamed in my presence... it was magical, and enchanting, to watch you delighted and see your eyes glowing... " he breathed out longingly, as if memory of it was filling him with weakness, even now. " When I would say you are beautiful, that's what I meant... I am not a poet, though I love poetry so much. I only know to say... dear boy... I look at you and see you as cotton candy.... because I love the fluffy and colorful cotton candy so much... that is all i know to say... "

[Mirach]

Senecio smiled a little. "That sounds nice... But you can also tell me that I am pretty once in a while. Maybe I'm not so shallow all the time, but I am vain."

[VisAnastasis]

" Okay, if it's your need, it is noted and will be respected...I will use my chance, then... " creature said, and he shyly leaned forth, and repositioned embrace so he would embrace actor with both arms, as he hesitantly and with vulnerable bathed breath added beside his ear. " I believe in you... You are important, and your hurts are valid... And for what is worth, I think you are the sweetest cutie pie in existence... You are as pretty as the sun... You are ethereal angel of loveliness... Your eyes shine like stars, and your laugh is like fluffy buzzing of bees... You are wonderful... "