Senecio adn Tide II

[VisAnastasis]

Those words seemed to beat some guilt into Tide, who knew it was them who decided this for Senecio. He looked down, thoughtful, as he fought with his feelings, a clear conflict visible in him.

" First reason I would prefer not to is for privacy of others, the second is for my privacy. If you will conciously try your best to focus on me, not others in conversation, that solves the first problem. As for the second," he said slowly, as if having to feel weight of the every word of his decision before he said it." Yes, it is embarrassing and unpleasant for me to be listened to like that. I feel... That there is power imbalance with our perceptions of each other, with you perceiving more of me than I do of you... It's all of a sudden, and it feels too big of a change. It's not exactly a turn on for me to feel so small compared to it," he tried to say so lightly, but his voice was tenser." But you... are as you are now. This is a challenge we must face, or something to get used on, if we are to stay together. If we do not try now, we will just remain distrustful over it, so we might as well try, then..."

[Mirach]

"I don't know if I can focus on you," Senecio said tiredly. "I wanted to try it, see how it's done. If you are concerned for the privacy of others, you can tell them. If you are concerned for yours, I can leave. And if you are concerned for the imbalance..." he looked at Tide with an expression that, even without Tide being able to sense emotions, said clearly *don't let me down now, please*. "I'm an actor. I can express any emotion on my face. I can lie with it, of course. That's what acting is, after all. But I won't lie to you. I can sense your emotions, so I will show you mine, without any pretence. Does that work for you?" he asked, and there was fear in his eyes that it's not enough.

[VisAnastasis]

Tide was at a loss, as despite he tried to subconsciously keep himself calm, Senecio could see confusion and panic brewing underneath.
" I... d-do not understand, " he stuttered pitifully, with a trickling shame with admission. " I know you are good at emoting, but what does that have to do with anything? It didn't come across my mind that you'd deceive me now that you have the upper hand. It is about detriment I am in. Don't you feel like suddenly knowing someone's emotions is like leaping fifty steps in a relationship? You like me as you see me and talk to me, but what if feeling me annoys you instead? " he bit his lip fearfully. " Eros... Eros always says I have a playful demeanour of an oversized puppy... that's not a very romantic way to perceive someone at all. I-if you focus on me, you'll only feel me gleefully snuggling and nestling around every damn Being there is, with half baked thoughts and empty air and only warmth in my head... "

" Tide, " Hans seemed alarmed. " Senecio knows you're a little... challenged in some ways, after chipping down your soul for others too much. But he doesn't deem you stupid. You are still beautiful and mysterious like the sea to him... to us...  " he tried to placate him, but that only seemed to worry Tide more, as he suddenly groaned as he remembered.

" I can say goodbye to being mysterious and beautiful like the sea too, " he put his hands over his dead vulnerably, mumbling with embarrassment. " When you scrape off the mystery of not knowing and wondering, I am just a foolish beast of instinct. I, I do think highly of you, Senecio, as a person, but my instincts are shallow. Half the time when we are together, I am just thinking how astonishingly pretty you are, the second half I am struggling against desire to rub against all of you and leave a scent on you like a cat, and to be a decent boyfriend and not a horny washed out demon cat. Hell, I am annoying to me with how often my mind is stubbornly reflecting on how pretty you are. It's shallow as hell and its embarrassing to feel like that, but at least I can restrain the feeling and myself. And now you'll always know it all the time... that, and all the other random embarrassing impulse feelings I can't control... "

[Mirach]

"That's not true," Senecio said with a slight tremble, afraid that he's going to lose Tide over this matter. " We need to talk about this now. Somewhere quiet, please. I can't focus..."

[VisAnastasis]

Tide brought himself to nod a little, though he seemed conflicted and fearful mostly. Hans, cold headed like always, reached for his bag, and took out the polished brass key with a number two engraved.
" East wing of the ballroom, second door to the left, with a good view and nice double bed, " he smiled sadly at him. " Obviously prepared with better intent, but I hope it will still do for this. It has rather a good sound isolation, at least... "

[Mirach]

"It's not sound that's distracting to me..." Senecio murmured, but took the key and got up to retreat into privacy with Tide.

[VisAnastasis]

Tide was shaken, but he didn't want anyone to think they are on bad terms. So, even though he was feeling miserable and fearful on the inside, he made sure everyone saw them walk straight and proud, hand in hand, despite it was terribly hard for him to be confident right now. He held Senecio under the arm, until they left the public eye, and entered the private chambers.

[Mirach]

Senecio closed the door, hoping the distracting jumble of feelings would fade with that too.

[VisAnastasis]

It did fade quite a bit, even if not fully - thankfully, with distance to the room, they seemed outside of range Senecio was naturally inclined at picking up. Only some feelings here and there from the rooms around were a little more noticeable, but not nearly as much as deafening flood of feelings in the ballroom before.

[Mirach]

Senecio sighed with relief and sank on the bed tiredly. "Just you and me..." he murmured. "And your naked feelings between us. A bit like seeing you without a mask, right? Why do you think I wouldn't like what I see?"

[VisAnastasis]

Tide sat down on the edge of the bed tentatively. His feelings spoke enough of his thoughts - he felt small and unsightly, terribly worried he will lose the actor's favour over this.
" I guess... it is related. When people see me without the mask, they glimpse beneath the horror of my origin - an origin of souls swallowing up one another to no end. It's a terrifying part of what I am. But seeing my feelings... is seeing how foolish I am, " he still whispered quietly. " And I... I am immature and get easily excited, easily distracted, easily swayed. I am... simple. And my feelings are unrestrained and really, really all over the place. Remember that council of thousands of counsellors? It's always an embarrassing noise. I, I once saw a colourful butterfly and followed it around gleefully whole day and cried when bird caught it. " he stuttered. " It's one thing to say it, another thing to feel how gleefully I am making a fool of myself all the time... That's why Eros says I am lovely and silly, like a puppy... "

[Mirach]

Trying to be open about his feelings for Tide, Senecio didn't hide that he was close to tears. "Why were you afraid to reveal that to me?" he asked. "I want to know all of you so that I can love all of you. I know you are trying so hard to be accepted and hide the parts you don't think are pleasant to people behind lsyers of masks... but how long did you want to hide from me? It's so freeing to be accepted as you are,  Tide. Mysterious is intriguing, it's a nice challenge, to get to those mysteries. But love is Knowing the other. Did you want me to fall in love with your mask?"

[VisAnastasis]

Tide's hands were trembling slightly under the weight of those words, but this time, amidst the conflict, there was pain and sense of injustice, as creature looked at him miserably with its big sad blue eyes.

" Even though you liked me, did you rush to tell me about your tastes the first second? Or, despite you were fond of me, did you not yourself say that you would have been ready to live without physical intimacy if that would have meant we can stay in a relationship? How long did you want to hide your preferences from me? " he asked hoarsely, not yielding, though. " Then how can your insecurities be valid and mine not? It is not fair. It's, it's not like I think you'd suddenly hate me if you could read my feelings, but don't you see how disadvantageous it is? I often have passing feelings that last about as long as something is in my vision. Like, I will often think, oh, Svarik is so pretty and adorable, or Conrad looks so dashing in black, I love it. I have passing attractions. If someone's nice to me, suddenly I'd find them cute. And that's, like just one thing on the list." he pressed his temples. " I often feel foolish things even though I know they are not justified like I felt like I wanted deeply to stop the fight today, even though I knew deep down that it is a play. I feel silly things that have half baked reasons all the time, and it's even worse when I feel strongly in embarrassing matters... " he cringed like he was going to eat himself. " I was basically... drooling over you all the time while we danced, gleeful to show off with you before everyone, possessive of you to the same extend children are with a favourite stuffed toy. It was such an embarrassing childish feeling... And you dislike childishness. It's not like I wanted to pretend I am not childish at all, it's just that I wanted to measure myself to your comfort. Like when you asked me not to carry you in a piggyback ride even though I love giving people I love piggyback rides. It's not like I was pretending to be someone I am not just for being considerate... "

[Mirach]

"Yes, I don't like to look childish and I appreciate you being considerate about that. I would love being considerate to you and stop perceiving your feelings," Senecio said, his eyes filling with tears. "How do you think I feel about doing something to you that you didn't give your censent to, and being unable to stop it no matter how hard I try?" he sobbed. "I didn't want this! And when I ask you to at least give me that consent, you act as if it would be my choice! I know it's too soon! I know you are concerned about how I perceive you! I also know that in hindsight, I've been an idiot hiding my insecurities from you. But I didn't know you that well yet. I got to know you better and I saw I don't have to hide. This is all backwards, I know! You should first know me well enough to feel safe enough to reveal your feelings. I know it's hard to you, but won't you at least try to catch up to that point of knowing me? You are making assumptions about how I will react to your feelings, and they're not true. As if I'd care that you find someone attractive... I would just nod and maybe fantasize about a threesome. I loved the feeling of being appreciated like when we danced..." He sobbed again, the situation overwhelming him with helplessness as he was finding accusations where he was hoping for support. 

[VisAnastasis]

Easily distracted as he was before, Tide forgot about blaming him as an actor began to sob, and suddenly grew unsure and ridden with guilt as much as insecurity, as least thing he wanted was to make Senecio feel guilty for something he could not control. He looked pained as Senecio's words hit him with the hard truth, and his hands trembled, but he did not reach for him - not yet.
" I... am sorry for assuming. I promised you I won't assume the situation after we argued about your gift to meadow king and me, but... it's hard when it's about this, " he gulped, gathering his resolve, and while not being able to look him in the eye yet, he managed to ask tensely, with just a glimmer of frail hope. " I will ask, then. Was... it not embarrassing, dancing with me, while being able to see me like that? You are your own person, not my possession, yet when I am with you, my worst possessive beastly tendencies come forth. You are a person, not a toy, and you are so smart and skilled... I am doing you a disservice with always thinking about how beautiful you are. And... I am doing you a disservice with just how often I am awed at the thought someone like you choose... someone like me. I thought of it, countless times tonight... "

[Mirach]

"N-No... Of course not..." Senecio said through the tears, unable to stop them. "Did I look like I was embarassed? I loved it... I know I am smart and skilled," he smiled faintly, "but being appreciated like that... feeling cherished and protected like that... that's new. And it's wonderful. Without sensing your feelings, I would find it hard to believe."

[VisAnastasis]

Tide's heart fluttered a little, with a frail growing hope.
" I just... know everyone admires your beauty and not much else. I did not want to appropriate all your other qualities, just because that particular one amazed me. It's not like I only think you are beautiful, but, Senecio, " he found it hard to say the following words, but he did, in the end, the reveal all the more painful because he knew the actor can feel just how much these things affect him. " Perhaps it was the circumstances, but often, I had to keep my relationships secret before the world to keep both sides safe from my or their enemies... but sometimes, it wasn't about safety. Senecio, I... I have been married two times. I loved them both, but... both were relationships of a secret. One was with a girl, who loved me, but didn't want her village, that was worshipping the earth Deity, to know I was Being of the sea. The second time I was married with a man that loved me, but we married in secret because he was a member of the royal family, betrothed to someone else, and in the end, he divorced me under the pressure of his parents. " he sobbed, putting his hands over his mouth. " To have someone so beautiful and lovely not blink an eye, but acknowledge me... take me to the ball, and dance with me before everyone without shame... I can not stop myself from always being blown away by how pretty you are, and how someone out of my league like that isn't ashamed to bring me here as an equal. I can not sense your feelings so I find it hard to believe... "

[Mirach]

"I wish you could..." Senecio said shakily. "A King of Beings... a powerful demon that managed to embrace so many voices and make them one... a being so kind that it gave away pieces of himself to save others... cherishing me. Why do you think I needed these clothes from Alpha? I got them so that I would appear more worthy to be by your side..."

[VisAnastasis]

" You told me that already, b-but that's such a silly t-thought, " Tide rasped, and in his words, feelings much brighter, bigger than himself were shining, of love and fervent admiration, as he added passionately, what may have appeared harsh to others true as he had seen it. " At first, I was a mass of corruption born out of cruelty, that through self-love got crafted into half baked person longing for love. I am a foolish sensitive creature that gave away parts of itself to the point of damaging myself, out of compassion. I love myself, but I am not what I used to be, since I gave so much of me, and it's not like I wasn't childish to begin with, for aeons, long before the concept of childishness existed to be named. For me, you are the most beautiful and graceful man in the world, the most playful soul to hold, and the pinnacle of what I never knew I needed, and I want you all the more because you want me. I want you to keep wanting me. If... if I embarrassed and ashamed you, and you grew embarrassed of me before the world... " Tide's eyes filled with tears. " I don't know how I would deal with it again... "

[Mirach]

"I'll never find you embarassing, Tide," Senecio whispered tiredly, blinking away tears. "It's me who cares about opinions of others too much. That's why I feel embarassed easily. I wish I could be freer and care less, like you, but I can't..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Wait... you shouldn't think like that. " Tide, true to his promise to be easily distracted, suddenly took Senecio's hand in his vulnerably, but this time, with more vigour and conviction behind his downpour of emotions. " Don't put me on such pedestals, please. I am a living person with the same doubts as everyone. You worry about what people you know think of you, while I, in turn, don't worry about people in general, but what people closest to me think about me. I was eating myself wondering what you thought about me after the dance when I realized you could sense my emotions, the same way people are embarrassed what someone might think of them if they walked in on them singing in the shower, " his cheeks were flushed red. " We both have equal potential for embarrassment, and I am very embarrassed right now. Don't... don't fall into the pattern of envying me on being something I am not... I don't care for the random opinions of random people in the theatre or in the ball. But I do care about your opinion, " he smiled faintly. " I care about it so much you should find me embarrassingly clingy for it, not admirable... "

[Mirach]

Senecio's hand still trembled a little  but he kept it in Tide's. "Okay..." he whispered. "I won't put you on a pedestal if you don't put me on one. Could we just agree that we maybe deserve good things? In particular, each other?"

[VisAnastasis]

Tide's heart skipped a beat with the words. He pressed the actor's hand, holding it close, as he gazed back into his eyes, with feverish longing.
" You... always say the most attractive things, " he whispered, in a faint soft tease. " But realistically... I think it's going to be hard for both of us. I, in particular, am not used to having it so good. With you, I dare to dream of having more than I ever had before I knew you. You make me greedy in a most wonderful way, " he whispered. " It's hard not to be blown away by that. But maybe we could... set conditions? " he asked suddenly. " With this new power you have, I have two conditions for you, if you meet them, I promise I will do my best not to question suspiciously good thing I have right now? If you have conditions, you should ask too... "

[Mirach]

"I would rather reserve the right to think of some later when I get some perspective," Senecio said. "But tell me yours."

[VisAnastasis]

" First, it's not really that I am fearful that you would lie to me about your feelings while having access to mine. It is more about specifically fearing you will grow to find me embarrassing with having such a close look. The first condition, I just... want to be kept updated, so I can be sure where I stand. When I embarrass you, do not hide it from me to protect my feelings. " he whispered, holding actor's hand closely for support as he spoke. " The second is... Please, do not lose your perspective, and confuse my temporary feelings with my choices. " he gulped. " If... if you had this power back then when you refused to let me give you a piggyback ride, you'd feel I was deeply disappointed because it is something I love doing. But do not mistake temporary disappointments with... what I choose to do despite disappointments. I choose not to insist because it would be disrespectful to you. Just... being disappointed with some things right at that moment does not mean I am disappointed in you as a boyfriend. I dread this may lead to misunderstandings... "