Senecio adn Tide II

[Mirach]

"There are people here as well," Senecio whispered sharply in frustration, feeling like he made a step towards Tide and Tide only countered by stepping back. "Humans I don't trust. Humans I need to keep this secret from or I might get hurt again. If your people know the truth, then they'll deduce what I meant just like I hoped you will."

[VisAnastasis]

Tide's anger dissipated, leaving only a sad and lonely frustration. Slowly, he withdrew, his feelings growing more apathetic and distant too.
" That's... better," he whispered quietly in the end. " It is not about the concealing, but about the tone and context. My boyfriend is upset wit me and wants to rest to clear his head. " He spoke quietly still - to him, it being lucky that no human knew he was sad beneath the mask." That is the truth and I won't accept anything less. Do not reveal what happened to you if you think it is best - but do not come to me all smiling. I am accepting of your frown, " he looked down." But I will never accept that fake smile, and that lie. You want to rest and take breather from my overwhelming emotions. You want silence, not my song. You were honest to me when you refused to return to the ball with me and told me you have no appeal in it. It saddened me, but I knew you were only thinking of your health and... Tgat is good choice... Objectively... " Tide's quiet voice weavered with pain." Do not pretend you didn't want to go sleep or get back home. I understand. You are weary and tired. B-but don't lie that you  came to listen to my song because you desired it suddenly. You got... What you desired of the ball. Tgat... is g-good. That's al least one of us, and I can pull myself together and at least appreciate the fact you got one nice thing you wanted out of today. But don't... mock me with words from Eros's mouth. He is the only one that would nag you about singing because he knows me well and can always perceive when I am miserable, anyway...."

[Mirach]

Senecio straightened his back, refusing to surrender his position. He just walked a bit to the side where they had more privacy, trying all the time to focus on his thoughts. "I talked to Eros," he said. "He gave me some useful advice about controlling this sense, and some rather intrusive advice about us that I didn't like much. I'll try to explain how I feel as clearly as I can to you, because if even the Being who can perceive all feelings doesn't understand, then I don't blame you. I hoped you would... well, if not understand me, then at least believe me? There was no fakeness or lie. I am tired, yes. I'm barely standing now, to tell the truth. I wanted to rest, but now I don't give a damn about rest anymore. Not like this. I should have went with you to talk to your people but I was too exhausted and overwhelmed, and not understanding properly what this ability of mine really means to you. All I wanted was to go home and rest in your arms, finish the nice evening. You've been the first to suggest to not go here at all but rest instead... But you wanted to talk to them and of course you should, they are your people. I could wait for you, but I couldn't turn off this ability, so I asked you for a permission to focus it on you. I should have pulled myself together and go talk to them with you instead. I want to do that now. Can't keep it up long, but I can't rest while it's like this. Nice evening and then rest, that's what I wanted and that's why I approached you with an invitation to make it nice again. I hoped you will be willing to fight for it too. That's what I tried to tell Eros, but he didn't understand. He's too focused on long-term relationships, but you can't have that without small steps. This evening is just one small step, but I want to get all steps right. Don't you?"

[VisAnastasis]

Tide listened to him intently, although it seemed hard for him to focus as if his thoughts were drifting in and out to who knows where scattered and struggling to maintain shape. But he listened to the best of his abilities, and although it took him a moment, he managed to form a reply.

" Everything is a small step, but... I wanted to give you a small reprieve, even if it would cost us that step. You deserved a reprieve, despite I lose with it, " he whispered distantly and quietly in the end, struggling to keep his tone present. " I offered us to stay at the mansion at first, at the expense of my initial desires for the day, because it was more important to comfort you because you died today. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to go to the ball in the first place. I thought... that you and Hans made the play and ball for me, and I used to look forward to it. Joy... joy is sacred among my people, and I looked forward to that joy, after being hunted down by Demon hunters and having couple terrible days. I thought you made it to make me... happy? To take such risk, to give me a chance to comfort and meet up with my people, and cheer them up, and meet them with you... I thought it was for me, " despite the mask, Senecio felt suppressed bitter tear falling down Tide's face. " I would have skipped it to be with you, though. It's only because we already came, that I dared raise my hopes about it again. I wanted to meet you with everyone and show them my off boyfriend and I looked forward to it so much again... but then you told me of your ability, and I panicked and denied your request. You wanted to just sit and watch me from the distance, not interact with me, and it is spying, gazing to gain insight for yourself, with nothing in it for me but anxiety of what you will think of my every action or feeling. I am as uncomfortable with it now as back then, but I did hurt you, and I also shot myself in the foot with my own hands, with that refusal, because I killed your desire to share something nice with me, like... like when I doubted you put effort in Svarik's present as much as in mine, and I killed your desire to share your gift with me that night, " tears rolled down his cheek quietly, but he didn't seem to notice them with the distance he was fighting. " I am a bad boyfriend, and I hurt you when you needed support. Senecio... Hate me, brake me, crush me, make me hurt as much as you, " he spoke bitterly, revealing how sensitive and vulnerable he felt with words so unbecoming of him. " But do not smile at me and act like nothing happened when I hurt you... Those smiles burn... a l-lot... "

[Mirach]

"I'm sorry I need to deny you something you ask from me, but I can't," Senecio said seriously. "I already hurt you and all I want is to be able to lie down peacefully today, knowing we overcame the hurt we caused each other." He offered his hand to Tide. "Are you willing to help me with that? Oh, and before I forget, I'll tell you something... As a spying method, this really sucks. That's the most important lesson I learnt about it from Eros today, not even from what he said but how he reacted. It gives you insight about how people feel, but doesn't tell you why. It's so easy to interpret it wrong. So just that you know, I still can't tone it down much although Eros said that I should be able to learn. But I'm not really paying much heed to it, like looking at a page and not reading it. You don't need to worry I'll judge you on it."

[VisAnastasis]

Tide blinked away with unexpected explanation, it seeming to take him a moment in his distant unusual state of mind to digest.

" I worried about how you will see me with that in general, but... It would have been easier if you were by my side, not only for the spying reason. If I could have been given a chance to look at your face from time to time and be reassured, it would  have been a balm for my doubts, instead of worrying and looking over my shoulders. But right now, I am most worried about holding myself together," he admitted, as slowly, like through dim light, he reached for Senecio's hand, and pressed it feverishly, like holding onto an offered lifeline - it seemed Eros had lot of reasons to force actor to act right away. " Normally, I am very balanced, but .. W-when... when I am deeply unhappy and conflicted, sometimes it reaches a boiling point, where my mind can't keep itself together anymore, and I turn into a sea foam for a while, before each drop begins to miss the others too badly and they reform as Me again. " He admitted hoarsely." Sometimes, it can take a week or two... Or more. Once it took a year, but I have no year. I can't afford to become sea foam right now, but... It is so hard to look forward to living right now. Hans despises me, Sage doesn't believe in me, and you nearly died and I am losing you for it. We didn't even get to make love since I got back yet, and I missed the ball too and Svarik and Conrad couldn't make it, and Death is dying but I can't do anything significant enough for him yet. Dealing with my feelings is so hard right now. I desire to be a sea foam so badly," demon's hand shook, like he was struggling not to fall apart, as he asked shakily." If you won't break me, then, could you... Save me? If I became sea foam, I know I will regret it later, but I want it so badly right now, like you wanted rest... "

[Mirach]

"Sea foam?" Senecio pressed his hand firmly. "Wait, that fairy tale... is about you? It... makes sense, I guess. You know, I really get it. This day sucked a damn lot. Almost worst day in my life. It had some very good parts, that's why almost. But the bad parts... definitely worst. That's why I felt the desire to just lie down and close my eyes and be done with it. But I will wake tomorrow, and it will be a new day. I know you don't sleep, so it's harder. I would love to grant you the wish to be a sea foam, if I knew it's just for a while. Everyone would deserve rest after this monster of a day. But it's not just for a while and I'm a selfish creature addicted to your company. Stay with me, please. I want to fight and save today for us. Tame the monster, if you want. But I can't do it alone."

[VisAnastasis]

As they were near the wall when Senecio brought them to the side, Tide walked a few heavy steps forward, as if forcing his body to move, until Senecio leaned with his back against the wall, and Being, while holding his hand still, lowered his head unit it was at actor's level, his shoulders trembling, one hand leaned on a wall, the other holding actor's hand still.
" It... Really is... A monster of a day. I thought ... If only it ended nicely. But then it didn't, and even that was my fault. It's like I keep messing up everything today..." He admitted miserably as he leaned his body against Senecio's desperately, as if trying to anchor himself with his presence, painfully revealing his dark thoughts." You said... You would rather be disabled than lose me. I... Became disabled because I could not bare to look people losing their lives if I could help it. But my disability works against us. It's hard for me to ignore my impulses, I have little filter, I can't ignore worry, I can't get sarcasm, and my thinking is literal and plain. I am... Simple minded, and that knowledge will stab you in the face all the more with your power. I... Don't have what it takes to function like normal people. I feel about everything too strongly and over the top. For eveey fleeting thing I bet my whole heart. Who... Who would cry when a butterfly dies? Who normal would want to stop existing for a while just because he had a bad day? Who would be happy out of his mind one moment and terrified... Of his boyfriend... The next second? I am terrible. I am not normal... "

[Mirach]

Senecio leaned between the wall and Tide, relieved when the demon supported his weight. "You silly..." he whispered hoarsely. "*My* silly. You act like I would love you conditionally... I admire the intensity of your feelings. I wouldn't cry for a butterfly. But I'm glad that someone would. The world deserves all the feelings, but most people get callous with time, unable to feel it all. For me, it was since I was about five years old... I don't need someone who matches me with wit and calousness. I need someone to complement me in what I don't have. Do you think we can still end this day nicely together?"

[VisAnastasis]

Tide's heart trembled with those words, in a sea of apathy and drowning in doubts, holding onto them, with growing hope. He breathed shallowly, fighting through overwhelming feelings that threatened to swallow him, and only slowly dared to lean closer, his dress brushing along Senecio's body.
" Maybe... maybe... " he whispered, as he let their heads touch, one ball mask leaned on the other. " I... I often feel like... like a lot of your liking comes from my niceness. You admire me for being a nice person, and it is a good feeling, but... I often wonder, if I happen to step out of line sometimes, will your thoughts on me change? Will you wake up from this idealized dream? If not... " he asked hoarsely, as if his heart depended on it. " If not, kiss me. I can not kiss you and overcome the distance that is between us right now, but you can. If you are not angry at me and disappointed with me, then show it to me. " waves of Tide's fear, despair, and hope were washing over the actor, as he bid in desperate longing. " Kiss me... "

[Mirach]

Senecio looked Tide in the eyes to see if he really means what he is asking for, not wanting to trigger a bad memory. He leant closed, his breath quickened in longing. But he only brushed his lips against Tide's and then lowered his head and kissed him on the neck, just below the ear, desperately and needily. He continued kissing him along the jawline, nearing his lips, giving Tide the chance to stop him anytime he wanted.

[VisAnastasis]

Tide's breath was shallow at first, and his feelings were laid bare helplessly before Senecio - as, on one side, there was a terrible longing to feel his touch and affection and be reassured that actor still feels the same towards him, and on the other, there was a terrible dark and suffocating memory of cold lifeless lips leaned against him. The storm raged within him, but this times, the lips touching him were warm and full of life and intent, and little by little, with each little kiss, the longing and desire grew stronger than fear, and the demon couldn't stay away from any longer. He took actor's face in his hand and passed through his hair, and then, he kissed him on the lips, and sobbed, but then kissed him again, in a shaky battle between the agony of memory and desire of present. It was as if nothing existed in the world right now for him, but Senecio, and he was fighting to pull himself closer into reality, one kiss at a time. His mask fell to the ground, and tears were sliding down his cheeks, but he covered the actor's face and neck with kisses, and each kiss was given with a thorn of traumatizing memory pushing deeper into Being's mind, but the desire to be reassured was stronger than a need to flinch away.

[Mirach]

Senecio kissed him hungrily, little sobs escaping between the kisses as he missed them terribly. But he used his new sense to make sure to withdraw if it gets too much to Tide.

[VisAnastasis]

It was a dangerous dance, between the hunger they both felt, and the terrible experience standing between them. Tide danced clumsily, under the weight of memories, but Senecio, with his sensitive new power, danced well. Despite the reawakened terror from remembering what happened, the intimacy was worth it for Tide, helping his current anxieties and regrets he was agonizing over. The eagerness with which Senecio accepted him was a promise of security, a promise things will be alright, a promise there was something to look forward to. It was an encouragement - and in one moment, when the memory grew too dark and overshadowed the present, Tide had to stop, and he breathed shakily, fighting with it, but the encouragement made him feel present and reassured him it's alright, and he suddenly embraced Senecio instead. Leaning with his face against his shoulder, Tide was hiding in it as he tried to steady his breath, chase away the dark memory, and suppress the growing desire and lust, having a hard time focusing to do all three in the same time.

[Mirach]

Senecio hid his face in the embrace as well, sobbing quietly with a mix of regret at the still fresh memory of chasm between them and relief of overcoming it.

[VisAnastasis]

After the sourness of all the day's argues and harshness thrown at him, a little bit of sweetness and reassurance of closeness and intimacy was something Tide desperately needed. He held him close, breathing in his scent as if using the memory of the present to fight with the darkness of the past. At first, he was trembling and sobbing quietly here and there, but then, with time, his breath evened out and calmed, and instead of just embracing, he raised actor a little bit in a comfortable position, supporting his body weight fully so he wouldn't tire any more. He felt more present then before and his renewed awareness was refreshing. Instead of brimming with apathy that was pushing down the agony, his aura finally settled down and clearing out a little, feeling more like it normally did, being soothed with the same relief Senecio felt. Finally, the actor felt, the fear melted with the reassurance of their touch and closeness, and a slowly budding, shy trust began to grow back in its stead.

[Mirach]

Senecio leaned at him tiredly, Tide's skin feeling nicely cool against his feverish brow. "Shall we dance?" he whispered, his voice still hoarse from the sobs.

[VisAnastasis]

Suddenly Tide chuckled faintly with it.
" If it's a metaphor for something, you will have to be more specific," he whispered hoarsely against actor's ear." I don't get it..."

[Mirach]

Senecio chuckled. "It wasn't. But it could be, if you want..."

[VisAnastasis]

Demon snorted a little more heartily and caressed actor's cheek." I still don't get it, but in general," he whispered shyly." I would just like you to tell me what you would like it to be metaphor for... " he finally smiled, fraily, but with little more of his usual confidence sprouting " Because I am sure as hell not letting you dance in this condition. You are running a fever..."

[Mirach]

"Sex, of course," Senecio said without shame. "Most of the time, any metaphor is about sex. But you're right that I'm not in a best form right now. I really meant just a dance, like we danced before, if you'd carry me."

[VisAnastasis]

At a mention of a chance to carry him in public, Tide's eyes lit up with pleasure even more than at the mention of sex, and there was clear surprise and pleasure in his response, as if someone just handed him a slice of his favourite cake.
" Well... We can make love any day we like," he said, blushing with embarrassment, as he knew actor will realize right away what in his offer appealed to him so much." B-but it is not often we can get a chance to have a ball like this... With humans, and Beings, and everyone..."  

[Mirach]

"Well, we should do it more often then. I'd like one I could enjoy properly from beginning to end, and it's also a shame others couldn't or didn't want to come," Senecio said, meaning Svarik abd Death. "But let's just enjoy what we can from this one." 

[VisAnastasis]

Tide nodded wonderingly as he picked up mask from the ground.
" I always... Wanted to make fun balls, especially when we gained enough wealth to do it," he whispered quietly, while gently fixing Senecio's mask in place. " But I can only make them for humans right now. Making them for Beings, bringing so many in one place, is dangerous. It can attract unwanted attention from Spirit realm. This was first time we dared to risk, because of the play..." Senecio could feel longing and sorrow in demon's voice." This is only a fraction of my people, that were brave or powerful enough to decide to come, and close enough. There are so many more I wished could have come, to see the play, and to see you too..."

[Mirach]

"Then let us hope there will be a chance for more if them, and safer. Imagine a new play and a ball every year, a grand event that everyone is talking about month before and after," Senecio whispered.