Senecio adn Tide II

[Mirach]

Svarik held her firmly as long as she wanted, not asking anything.

[VisAnastasis]

Despite her newly sown doubts in everyone she knew, still, Svarik was the person in this world whom she had known the longest, and who was vulnerable with her before, and it was hard to voice her insecurities with people she just met, no matter how nice they were. She wasn't really secure in anyone fully anymore, but in Svarik's hands, there was safety and reassurance of a confident adult. All the tension and pent up emotions that were brimming under the surface broke through, and finally, the creature began sobbing, her crying muffled by the cloak she was burying her face in.
She whimpered for a while, before she finally calmed down again, and hesitantly let go, rubbing her eyes with her paws.

[Mirach]

"It will be okay..." Svarik said in simple words, encouragingly.

[VisAnastasis]

Xia nodded absentmindedly, gathering her thoughts. They were a little harder, but for such young creature, still, struggle to express in a brief way.
* It is... hard... to be alive... without... being born. Everyone... was a baby... but not Xia, * she sighed then slowly, but firmly. * Xia... is like Mister Simbel. Both born... old enough to love... but both of no roots to anyone. With love... we have to start... from zero. From the bottom of the well, " she shuddered. " Xia will... try to keep up with Simbel. Jake said, if he could do it, Xia can too. Xia is strong, Xia can fly now. So... Broth-... so Mister Svarik... * she sniffed, giving him a reluctant frail smile. * do not worry for Xia, Mister Svarik... *

[Mirach]

"Don't try to keep up with anyone," Svarik signed and spoke at the same time, to make it easier to understand. "Only with your own heart. You know best the pace you need."

[VisAnastasis]

The little creature shook her head slowly, though, looking absentminded.
* Xia's heart... is... unreliable* she sighed quietly, looking at the distant sea. * It is... afraid of the world. Everything... so big. Xia's heart wants to be small, and hide under the bed for a thousand days... So, Xia can not listen to it, * creature seemed withdrawn. * Xia has to keep up with others. If Xia just hides for a thousand days, it will only mean... a thousand days passed. Xia's heart... is angry... it w-want's to... growl and bite everyone... *she admitted, her little hands shaking. * That is why Xia can not listen to the heart. Xia wants to be loving, confident and pink, like Simbel... "

[Mirach]

Svarik looked at her sadly. "Maybe it would be better to listen to your heart... You only see Simbel now, but he was also weak and scared before. If you want to be loving, you need to start with loving your heart. If you're at war with it, it won't do what you want. But listen to it, and soon it will obey and follow. If you feel it needs thousand says, you can give it thousand days. Maybe you will see that it only needed fifty, after all. There's a place here where you can stay for a long time with only little time passing for others. Maybe Tide would take you there, if you ask him. That place might be good for you, for getting to know yourself."

[VisAnastasis]

After understanding what he meant, little fox's expression darkened with that, with something close to panic.
* No... Alone, on one's own... Xia only being with Xia? That is... a terrifying feeling. Under the bed, at least Xia can hear other people existing in the room. When... w-when Xia is alone it feels... as if there exists no one else in the world, but her, * her lip was quivering in distress, as she tried to steady herself. * X-xia is not ready to... to deal with that. But do not... do not worry, Mister Svarik. Sage said Xia can hide in his pocket again. In Sage's pocket, it is almost as dark as under the bed... * she explained thoughtfully. * And still, there are enough people around, so the world... the world does not feel unlived. But the kitten form... too big, Xia thinks. Xia is considering of being smaller, and smaller... and smaller... "

[Mirach]

"It's good that you know that," Svarik said. "So you want to hide, but not be alone, I get it. I'm just thinking... you know, this must be hard for you, being among all adults and trying to catch up with them. Wouldn’t you rather like to play and learn with children? Keep their pace in growing up instead of trying to act too mature too soon?"

[VisAnastasis]

That sentence was, at last, something that made Xia snap out of her dark thoughts, startling her too much. She stared at him with a stunned expression for a moment, and then whistled, forgetting herself, before remembering they don't understand demon tongue, and then began signing with her paws, her moves revealing her confusion. " There... are... other children like Xia? " she asked in disbelief. * But Xia has seen no one... *

" Doesn't Sage have grandkids by now, and do not many servants and guards here have children? " Falcon tied in the conversation for the first time after a while. " I am not saying there are thousand, but surely, you must have seen some... "

" Oh... Mister Svarik's friend... means... humans children, " Xia's look grew uncertain as she understood, shaking her hands. " Xia... has seen them. But it does not feel... like we are truly the same. Humans children... they look nice, but... they are... little. They won't understand Xia's language or know the language of hands. It is lonely... not... not talking, but... Knowing you can not talk if you want to talk. It is... hard enough for Xia already... That she no longer has Death, who Xia could always talk to... and ask, and learn things. It used to feel... of no effort at all, talking with him, even if Death was adult, " she shook her head. " But there are no adults just like Death, and no child as Xia, either... "

" Well, soon in the capital, we will have Solstice to raise, and he is sort of a bit like you, a child that is a child and more than a child in the same time, " Falcon said gently. " And on top of that, no one says you'd only have him as choice - although the trio is so protective, I am certain there are at least some Being children in Tide's realm. Sage, who moves around the seas as much as Tide, should be able to introduce you to some... We could ask him... Since you require more challenging talks that common children, Being children, who take many more years to develop and mature, should be able to both play with you and teach you more of the world than human children of similar mental age could. And if demons, they could speak with you comfortably...  "

[Mirach]

"There certainly should be some," Svarik nodded. "And also some human children who speak the hand language. Deaf children, or children of a deaf parent. And when Solstice comes to us, it would be great if he had a friend to play with."

[VisAnastasis]

Xia didn't understand at first what he meant, as she hasn't seen a disabled person before, but when they explained to her some humans can not hear or speak with words, and that sign language is actually a language made for them, not just one of the universal languages, her face lit up with wonder and she nodded slowly.
* Xia... did not know, that there are people like that. It... just seemed... that it was something lot of people knew. He can talk still, but mister Svarik knows it, and people in his house know it. Tide knows it, and Sage knows it... It just seemed... like one of the things some people know... like Mister Jake knows to cook, " It would not be fair to say she looked hopeful, did it seemed she was encouraged, not fully trusting those claims before witnessing them, but beginning to feel her options were not as limited as before. " Xia... guesses, then... If they are deaf, then children of humans... can do, too. As long as Xia can be understood, at least. If not being understood, there is no difference if it is a child or adult... "

[Mirach]

"We could certainly find such children in the city, and Sage could do it here," Svarik said. "Would you like to stay here now or return with us? You can move between them as you wish, of course, but if you prefer company for the journey, we'll travel back in three days "

[VisAnastasis]

Xia didn't respond right away after she understood the question. A lot of thoughts seemed to be going through her head, making her more indecisive.
* Going back... or staying... it feels about... the same, * she admitted quietly, looking in the distance. * Same kinds of people, on either side. Here, Mister Death will stay, to the City, Mister Svarik will go. Xia... did not understand before, but she does now. Xia... used to think... people can just... be real friends for... liking each other as company. But there are different kinds of friends. Mister Svarik... you just... like Xia, do you not? " she finally asked. " Liking and loving, it seemed to Xia the same... but it is not. The way Mister Svarik looks at Mister Conrad, Miss Melody, and Simbel... it is different. What good... does coming with Mister Svarik bring? Mister Svarik will be busy... living his own life, with the family he picked. Xia... tried to pick others on her own. " her voice wavered. " But it... does not work out for Xia... does it? Not when others won't pick Xia back. Maybe one day... people will want to pick Xia for real. Maybe after a thousand days... but now, they do not, so... it is hard to choose... what tree to pick... when no fruit seems tasty, Mister Svarik... "

[Mirach]

"Yes, liking comes on a scale," Svarik nodded. "But it's not just liking or loving. There's everything between that, and most people only love a few persons in their life. And maybe just one or even nobody with the kind of love that forms life-long bonds. Many people are content without it, with just friendships and liking. There's also the kind of love between parents and children, equally strong, but ready to let go when the time comes. I think that's the one you seek. Even that one needs time to develop, though. When children are born, their parents know about it months ahead and start forming the bond over that time. But when they adopt a child, it needs time for them to get used to each other, and the older is the child the more time it takes, because they need to catch up with each other. You were born a few years old already, at least mentally. The way I talk to you now, a child wouldn't be able to understand. That's why I think it really doesn't matter if you stay here or come with us - you can form that bond wherever you wish to stay, even in both places. It just doesn't work instantly, I fear..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Mister Svarik... not need feel guilty, * creature replied with signs after a short silence.* Xia understands... With others... You had  more... Time. But you... Do not want to adopt Xia, anyway. It does Matter not... The time. To you, Xia... Is being... A thought after other thoughts," she seemed to have gotten more eloquent in expressing her feelings, even though she needed a long time to sign." Xia... Does not want to be like fox Yiska and kitten Sunshine are to you... more Mister Erdel's than Svarik's," she shook her head lightly.* It is... B-better this way,* her eyes were teary, but she smiled bravely.* Mister S-Svarik... You know... It is okay you don't like Xia... Like family. Xja is not better. Xia... Xia got to... Like Death.... Much more than Mister Svarik. " She admitted unexpectedly." So, we are alike... b-but... Xia is glad... For you, at least. It must be nice... To be adopted... so sweetly... by so manu peoples... Like Mister Svarik is... "

[Mirach]

"I'm sorry," Svarik sighed. "You really can't have too many such bonds without weakening them by not having enough time to dedicate to them. At least that's how it works for humans. And I... well, I kind of adopted a country. I'm glad you found someone who you like more..."

[VisAnastasis]

Xia shook her head lightly.
* It is.... better and worse. * she sighed, appearing more withdrawn into herself as she slowly replied. * Xia... feels like... Xia tricked Death. Xia did not come to him with... expecting. Xia wanted to... be helpful. But... Xia can not... see the future. Xia did not know she would... enjoy him in her life so. It... is hard to explain. With Mister Svarik... it is not... about quantity... of love. Just... with Svarik, Xia could only come up with Svarik things. Laughing, playing with toys, eating sweets, wrestling on the grass... Xia can come up with all this on her own, because... because we come up with things... alike. When Svarik thinks the sun is nice, Xia also thinks that. Svarik and Xia... are nice flavour... but the same flavour, Mister Svarik * she looked at him, with meaning and vulnerability. " But Death... is different. Pleasant in... a different way. Death is not just... same as Xia. Svarik and Xia... are like honey. Death... like... Uncl- like Cernunnos's tea, * she stated, with certainty, but also this time, deeper grief. * X-xia... Xia can eat plenty. Xia wanted it both, honey and tea, but... She realized she can not have honey. Not when everyone else takes so much. It hurt, but... Xia won't be greedy, she decided... S-so... it is okay. She will stay, and have tea, but... * her lip trembled, as she fought tears. * If the tea... wants n-nothing... but to stay... in the teacup... what then? No tea for... the thirsty Xia, either. X-xia... does not want... cake or meat. And... not any tea. No tea with fruits, or with flowers. Xia... wants this one...  t-there... is no another... no another tea in the green land, or blue sea, like... like this one... "

[Mirach]

"I see," Svarik nodded. "But I think it will work out at the end, you know? Not right away, though. You need time for this kind of relationship. You can like the person, but you don't know them fully yet. Like Conrad and me. It took us quite a while to be sure of each other. It was quite dramatic in times, right?" Svarik glanced at Conrad teasingly. "Fake-jumping from the roof, just to nane one example..."

[VisAnastasis]

While Falcon was usually more reserved with his feelings before others, with that reminder, he grinned more widely, with unmistakable shameless pride and a hint of pleasure.

" Oh, yes, that was a good one," he confirmed wistfully." I dare to say, that is surely among top ten of my shenanigans with you..."

Xia, who didn't understand the strange context, watched them with eyes wide from shock.

*Misterr... Falcon... Jumped from roof?*she sighed with confusion.* Is... Not it bad? Mister Falcon... Hasn't got wings..."

" Oh... Indeed," the smile still lingered lightly on Falcon's lips, and maybe because of precious memory, he replied more sincerely than he normally would to a stranger." You see, little one... Mister Falcon is good climber, so he is an exception to the rule. It was no danger to him. He just... Wanted to see Svarik's feelings for himself more clearly. You can say Mister Falcon was doing a little test, to, hmmm.... Weight out how much Svarik was distressed with him being in danger," the smile was still on his lips. " Do you understand? To test something means to try out different methods to find out more about it... Or in this case, about him... "

Xia calmed and nodded more enthusiastically to it, thinking about the new word that seemed important, putting their talk into context for a moment.

* It... Seems conflicting. Xia... Could not do that. But Xia guesses... That is... How some people do it?* She questioned thoughtfully.* Xia thinks... That she may be... Testing Death, too?* She tilted her little head unsurely, as if trying to figure out if she is doing it right.* Right now... Xia feels we would both be unhappy to each other. So Xia choose... To leave Death alone. Death says firmly, he does not love Xia. If Xia is away from him and he misses her, then Xia would confirm there is hope... That it is worth struggling. If he does not miss Xia, then... X-xia will know she was wrong, and... She should not make him sad anymore by... B-by loving him. Is... Xia choosing... properly or poorly?*

[Mirach]

"Well... people generally don't react too well to finding out they're being tested, just as a heads-up," Svarik said. "And interpreting the results might also be tricky. For example, how do you find out he missed you? If he calls you back, it seems easy, but if he doesn’t, he might still be missing you but thinking that you want the space to yourself."

[VisAnastasis]

* Xia thought about it a lot.. Xia might not know him much... But Death will surely call her, * little creature replied, with a conviction that seemed firm before, but was a little undermined now. * Even if it was not Xia... Mister Death is always sad when it makes other livings sad. He will surely call Xia, but he will call her not for missing her, but for being sad that Xia is sad. So... Xia just though... When he asks for Xia, Xia refuses the invitation, and tells him of the testing?* she tilted her head as she often did when she was unsure of her conclusions. * Mister Death values... the word... the word is... *

" Honesty?" Falcon suggested.

* Something like that. Or maybe... clarity? Consideration? Certainty? Xia though, Xia should be clear. Xia just send him note that she misses him, but that Xia won't come to Mister Death if he is just sad for Xia, but if he misses her. Death can only see if he misses Xia if he is not with her. Xia is giving "Death" space. Space to... choose. Jake... Jake says... * she paused. * You can choose someone without loving them, or not choose someone even when you love then. If Xia does not give Mister Death time, he will just keep choosing not to choose... will he not... Mister Svarik? *

[Mirach]

"I don't know, little one," Svarik said truthfully. "He's Death. I don't think anyone of us has the capacity to understand him. Maybe Senecio got closest when he was in his character. But even with people, you can only assume why they are doing something and what they are thinking or feeling. You can only guess, and get closer in your guesses the more you know the person. You can give him tests, but you can never be certain what the results mean. It may be better to just spend some easy time together without overthinking it."

[VisAnastasis]

Xia seemed to struggle between wanting to nod or shake her head, conflicted for a moment.
* Everything... Used to seem simple," she growled in frustration.* Maybe... Xia should. Just... Not right now. When Xia thinks of him, she has bitty, clawy, angry feels... So... Maybe just... When...  When Xia is... Calmer. If Xia comes as this, Mister Death will know she has sharp feels to him...  And Death is uncomfortable of bitty, angry feels... *

" Where did you get that idea?" Falcon asked with raised eyebrows.

* Xia... Has trouble to explain. It just... Feels... True. Like Mister Svarik's eyes litting up where he sees sweets. Mister Death's eyes dim whenever he is uncertain, and Xia does not understand all words Death speaks with others... But understands enough,* little Being replied quietly and suddenly looked up to Svarik more seriously. * Some things just feel true... Like this feeling, that if Xia leaves the sea right now, Mister Death will feel she gave up on him.*

" So you decided to stay at the sea after all?"

* Yes,* creature signed confidently, as if this talk cleared away last of her doubts. * Mister Svarik will not... miss her enough to make Xia worth staying beside him. Yes, neither option feels tasty... But if Xia leaves, it would mean giving up. Xia won't. Death has to give up first* tiny critters finally grinned shyly as she admitted.* Besides, there are no winged ones here... Only Eros has one winged form, but he can carry no big weight. Xia, Xia can. Xia was useful yesterday, she is sure. So, Xia... Xia began thinking.... Maybe Xia can ask Sage... To give her a job... a real job this time?* She inquired shyly if her idea was good. * Then, Xia can be more useful here... Maybe... Buy some sweets for Mister Svarik, and...  Just maybe... Buy some nice wine... For Mister Death.... If she earns enough.... *

[Mirach]

"If that's what you want, ot should be possible," Svarik nodded. "Just keep in mind that for others time and money can have a different value than for you. You have a lot of time and little money, so you are willing to exchange one for the other to be able to give presents. But for others, the time with you might be more valuable than the present you buy with it. You need to find the right measure."