Senecio adn Tide II
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"Oh, that's long healed and forgotten," Svarik said. "You wouldn't blame a wild creature fo scratching when you want to catch it, would you?"
--- "I would like to hear both, but if I had to pick just one, it would be the on that you chose, so I would like tht first. But I also would like the other one." |
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( OOC does my post from last night not show? I copied and posted it again below )
With all the pent-up anticipation and worry that had no outlet, Ben could not help but snort through his nose. " You damn bastard... you really are the same as ever. Instead of offering me reassurances... why don't you properly ask for an apology you are owed? Just because it's gone, doesn't mean it didn't bloody hurt at that time, " he whispered incredulously, with a hoarse voice, despite his claim, emotion on his face clearly being one of concern, as he dared to slowly step closer as if using an excuse to be able to come see him better. " I wonder if anyone in the world can make me as mad as you, in less than a sentence... but I guess that's your hidden talent... just like mine is, to keep causing you trouble, isn't it? " Spirit's eyes were shaking as he was measuring him up and down as he came a little closer, looking him up and down, as if unable to keep himself from double checking, and triple checking, despite his eyes could clearly see the king was alright now. " I... am sorry... for being so natural at it. I never let things go your way... and I won't do it now, either. Instead of blindly giving me absolution, won't you take my apology instead? I... am sorry... for everything, " he could not help but bow his head low, trembling like a leaf, as he offered his apology, his hand gripped tightly, out of his element, unused to both apologizing openly like this, and trying to express himself with only one hand, both speaking and acting awkwardly, as if trying to put sincerity in the truth that always came twisted when he would try to voice it. " For causing you trouble for causing you worry... causing you pain. But since you are going to deny apology is needed just because the pain passed, how can I convince you you have the right to demand it? If I can not apologise for the pain I caused, let me at least apologise for the trouble. I... am sorry. I am so sorry, for being so hard to catch... " --- " Then let me give you both - our Youngest should live in the abundance of plenty, names included. Let us start with the first one, then, " Spirit exclaimed brightly, and he continued as he gazed at the actor fondly, maintaining firm eye contact, as if it was a part of his sincerity and gift. " I have been thinking for a while, what name gifted would feel just right - one that describes you more clearly, or one that rings with the thoughts and feelings I have for you? In the end, I have decided to go with the latter - for there are many people that will know you plenty, and be able to name you by your nature and heart, but can they name you, through the prism of how I see you? Only I can do that, so that's what I wished to do. And the most important element I sought to pursue... was to find a name that shines, " he smiled softly. " In my eyes, our little Seine is like a moon. When many think of the warmest, softest kind of light, they think of the light of the sunny day, but for me and Tide, the most comforting light was the light of the moon, as we travelled quietly through uncharitable cold nights. Ever so beautiful, consistent and reliable part of our lives... ever so insecure of our love. A silly moon, ever unsure of itself, " he teased ever softly, but there was only warmth without even a drop of poison, in delight and sincerity with which he spoke. " You know, the moon can not produce its own light, and it shines by the light reflected from the sun, so of course it's as insecure in its own eyes as it's beautiful in our eyes, which were always hungry for comfort and light in harsh lonely nights. Moon has no power to shine on its own - but it has an equally splendid power, to make oceans ebb and flow as it dances ever so softly around the world. For me, Seine is a man with dance as full as is the dance of the moon and the ocean, and a man whose light is soft and comforting, instead of fierce and blinding like the sun's. Seine is a man painted with fierce streaks of silver - everywhere he goes, shimmers of silver follow, and there's silver joy in his laughter. So, I wished to give him a name that shines like the moon, and glistens like silver. But, just calling him Silver Moon is too cheap from someone that knows thousands of lost languages, isn't it? When I give names, I like to recall all my prettiest, favourite obscure words lost to history and time, and pick one I feel is most right in the situation. My feelings for you are very soft and with no crease or roughness to it, so it has to be a soft name, with lot of soft words. I also ever so love, how your given names so far bear similarity to your birth name. Both Sein Miru and Seine are close yet different to it, just like you from before you met us is close yey different to you that is with us now. So, I knew I wished something that starts with S. S suits you so well in my mind, like a soothing whisper of comfort. So, I pondered, and I thought it through - and I remembered a language, where the word for silver and glitter a the same - Sim. Both me and Tide love glitter and silver equally, so what a lucky find it is, isn't it? It is as lucky find, as was finding you... So, the name which I wish to give you is a name that came from that language. A name that means silver, glittery moon - Simay. " there was vulnerability and a little nervousness, but also great joy and anticipation, as the creature gathered the courage, to initiate a gesture, and place its hand on the actor's shoulder and caress it lightly as it whispered, as if sealing the offer of his gift with the poem he prepared for him, waiting for his response. " Simay... Laugh at the night, at the day, at the moon, laugh at the twisted streets of the land, laugh at this clumsy Spirit who loves you, but when I open my eyes and close them, when my steps go, when my steps return, deny me bread, air, light, spring, but never your silver laughter... " |
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(OOC: It was in my email but not here, but I already figured out a fix - if I reply to my last post, the new one will show up and I can reply to it. Please don't delete that post, I will do it after I'm done. With it deleted, the new post didn't show up to me again and I got an error message when trying to post a reply. Now I see the copied post and can reply to it, but if it happens again, please wait until I post a proper reply before deleting the placeholder post.)
Svarik breathed in a bit shakily. "You did cause me quite a bit of worries... and pain, too. Embracing a creature that trusts you after being scared and lashing out, and holding it in the waters that are hurting it, having to reassure it that the pain is for its own good while you are causing it... Yes, I accept your apology." --- Senecio teared up a little with the great care that went into picking of the name and with its meaning, and he just embraced Hans, having no words in response to being named after something so precious and treasured. |
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( OOC: Oh, I see :) I'm sorry, when I saw the message, I thought my side from yesterday might not be visible, so I thought posting it again might fix it. Next time I'll wait (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤ )
The creature looked up wonderingly with the unusual comment anew. " I... see. I guess... you wouldn't be you, if you did not worry about such minute details, even after doing everything to resolve the situation to the best of your abilities," he whispered, as if trying to reproach him, but his expression was apologetic and compassionate. " Well, my second half seems as talented in causing you troubles as me, indeed, going around and creating whole damn life forms casually, without care for causality or moral consequences of it all... He was certainly, a handful... But you don't have to worry about him, " in all anxiety, he seemed glad that he was able to offer Svarik the truth he was most privy to. " That demonic little part is resting comfortably sleeping most soundly in Death's embrace, as if he was never burned in those waters to begin with... I did not push him out of our role as personification, so he'll face no losses over what you did, either... and who knows, since you took such good care reassuring him, it can be equally likely that he'd be healed and wake up a bit sooner than ten years originally predicted. How anxious and terrified one is at the moment of dying plays a great part in how traumatic death is and how long it takes to recover from it, and he was in pain, but he was not anxious at all... that is all your credit. And... And I am okay, too. There's nothing to worry about, see? " he spoke quietly, stumbling over his words more urgently, as if trying to reassure him, as he timidly raised his palm toward him to see, showing him his pale clear fingers. His skin looked cracked and worn, but it was clearer, and he himself clearly looked a little healthier than ever before, even if clearly frail and a little too thin. " Look, there's not even one burn. It's wonderful, isn't it? Before, even after a tiny moment of rest, the burns would appear and grow on and on, one worse than the rest... Honestly, it was really awful. If I stayed alive long enough, it felt like my skin would melt away until all that was left of me would be charred bones. I... never thought I would see clear skin again... but here it is. It's all thanks to you, so... " he gulped shakily, the extended hand trembling. " I mean, I know everyone helped, yes, and I thanked the others here, but both sides of me would perish without your efforts... So how about being a little more proud of yourself, for a change, instead of sad? Who has earned it, if not you? When the other part is reborn, there's no way it won't tell you that in the end, the pain was just a passing and brief thing, too... " --- After being nervous about how the name would be accepted, Spirit's tension melted away as if it was never there, and with the hug, the creature laughed out loud brightly, and embraced him back firmly, with clear, pure joy. Usually, Hans would be a little bit restrained, as he was ever mindful to not make Senecio self-conscious or uncomfortable with their peculiar history and power dynamic, but at least right now, with the actor's unrestrained gesture, he let go of concern and just closed his eyes peacefully with a contented sigh, enjoying the moment of holding him closely. It truly seemed Senecio's spontaneous and rare emotional hugs were his favourite, as there was a clear pleasure in his response to it, and the same joy shimmered within him as he rubbed the actor's back lightly in soothing circles, indulging in the little unrestrained moment of closeness his sincerity brought to them. |
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Svarik sighed, gently taking Ben's hand and running his fingers along the unblemished skin. "First you offer an apology, and then belittle it," he shook his head. "What you're saying may be all true, but still the memory of that moment is painful. But that doesn't cancel out the relief of both of you being well, either. All of that can be felt at once."
--- It took a moment for Senecio to compose himself and dry his tears. "I... see why you make names into such a big deal..." he murmured. |
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Ben's hand trembled slightly, but he did not withdraw it - his soul was still extremely sensitive and wounded, which reflected in his touchiness, but just like before he fell asleep, Svarik was a clear exception to it. He timidly pressed back the hand holding his, holding onto Svarik's caress trustfully, with longing - despite his words and complaints, he had clearly missed him and yearned to see him again.
" I... I thought I had so much good to say. But when I see you, my tongue always gets tied and twisted... I always get angry. I want to apologize for wronging you... but I hope so desperately, that you'd be less affected by what I did than you have right to be, because I abhor to see you in pain. I hate it. I hate it so much, that I just get angry all again. I do not want to get angry... I just wish I could fail to make you sad, for a change, "The creature's shoulders drooped, as it sulked frailly, while his fragile expression was breaking, as if he were holding back tears, trying to force them back - it seemed easier to get angry than to cry. " It's... all of messy and foolish. I... have so much to thank you for. I kept rehearsing it all in my head endlessly... But words refuse to come out. It is shameless, not to thank you. But words of thanks are drowned in remorse. I... am just... so sorry, " his hoarse voice was shaking. " You... always go through things you shouldn't have gone through, because of me. You did not deserve, to have to hold that little thing under the waters while it was dying, either... You shouldn't have had to. Having to endure my temper tantrums while I was ill, just because it was harder to trust other people... it wasn't fair either. The long night... The Derhain fortress... It's so unfair. It's... I am always so damn unfair to you. I am always so sorry. I am always so angry... It... it is such a relief, to see you healthy, " finally, a desperate, low sob, escaped his lips against his will, as he watched Svarik's hand, gently caressing his own. " I was so afraid that I would ruin your life anew... but in a couple of years, he'll get reborn, and when you see him doing well, you won't be troubled that much by what you did, right? It, it will just take a little time... but you'll be alright in the end, right? " --- Hans's face bloomed like a flower, with an even wider, more heartfelt smile with the statement, as he seemed touched that the actor felt so strongly about a subject that was so important and personal to him and Tide. " Yes... It's one of the vital parts of our culture, along with things such as dances around Rules of Deals and Hospitality. What is more personal and important, than the way we address each other? And even more so, what is more beautiful, than carving out names that feel just right, for both a person that gives and receives? There are so many different ways different methods of finding and picking names can be deeply meaningful, based on people's hearts... Isn't it such a delightful custom, my sweet Simay? " he whispered, before adding a little more timidly. " Thank you, for the name you gave me, too... Please, don't ever dare to feel inadequate, just because our methods are different, okay? I find your way of choosing beautiful. It suits you, and to have a name sculpted with such care is precious. I will cherish it, " he made sure to reassure him, and dance around it first, before he asked hopefully. " Moreover, I... like it so much, I feel it would be a pity to not hear it more often. What would be better, than using a legal system to mark it my own and make people have to call me by it every day? Hans... was lovely, and has served its purpose very well, but isn't marking a new era of life with a new name fitting? After we decide about what new Last name for our nobleman family is just right for us, do I have your permission, to change my first name, too, and use it along with it? Instead of being Hans-Something, being Aellaír-Something feels more fitting right now. Besides, whatever you decide in the end for the last name, Aellaír is bound to sound lovely with it, isn't it? Time is ripe for new changes to come... But I won't do it if it doesn't feel right to you, " he reassured him decisively. " Intent with giving a name is important, too. If you tailored it as something more private between us, I'll respect it - but if your main focus was to pick well, and how I use it is up to me, I'd like to use it plentifully... Will you give me your blessing? " |
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Svarik nodded. "Yes, it will be fine. Do you know that the first time I did that, it was on purpose? When you broke into the mansion, and broke your leg, I healed it and hurt my hands with the spell. I could have stopped when the spell started hurting, get some rest and continue later. But I didn't like leaving you with a broken leg, and also... I wanted to make you feel a little guilty and indebted... you know, to prevent a possible further assassination attempt that vould end badly for either me or you. I didn’t want you to be an enemy, and that little trickery was a means towards that. It's a peculiarly similar situation to that last interaction we had, but the intention wasn’t, okay? I dont want you to feel guilty or indebted anymore. I just want you to be okay..."
--- "Oh... that's a bit unexpected," Senecio said hesitantly. "It's not that I would intend the name to be private... I just didn’t think it could be public. I'm not sure how well it’s suited for everyday use. It has a different accent from casual speech, for one. Like, you can use Hans in a sentence without stopping and changing the rhythm of your speech. Also, Aellaír feels like a formal name that would need a shorter form to work well, doesn't it?" |
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" I knew well enough, of your silly tries to appeal to me the day we met... it was quite cute, how complicated your look was at the time, even if I was in too much grief to appreciate it at the time. Like you're doing something you feel you must, but are so troubled over your grand deception, " Svarik's words helped steady Ben a little bit, as he could not help but smile faintly, though he still seemed on the verge of tears, as he quietly, spoke. " I liked... how you thought you were doing the best you could, even though it was eating you to try to weave in even the tiniest amount of deception into it. But I did not... choose not to try to hurt you that day, because of that alone. I guess... we never properly talked about any of it, did we? Think about it... That day, first we met, I injured Mole and made it so that you had to choose whether you'll risk your own safety and go save him or not, and Falcon chose to inform you of it right in front of me, and before and after, both him and Crow casually let me listen to your private plans and conversations right there in your face. Why do you think they would do such a thing, meticulous as they were? They clearly wanted me to see your first responses to the news and what kind of person you were. They wanted me to see how troubled with worry you were, even if you knew Mole's injuries weren't life-threatening. To see how immediately you were ready to risk everything, just to heal him not a day later. How, after I yelled at you and spoke harshly to you, you still gave me your condolences sincerely. How after I told you that if you healed me, I'd intervene with your plans to help Mole and stop you, you were eating yourself for having to tell me you'll go heal Mole first, and then go back to heal me after he's safe. The fact you healed me later... was kind of you, but inconsequential. The way you treated me was just something... that made me like you. The way you treated everyone else... is why I yearned to save you. The way your face lit up when Crow told you that for the first time since he knew him, Conrad woke up with the smile that morning we met, and just how genuinely joyful you looked to hear it... was why I desperately wanted you to live to see it anew, " Ben's smile looked incredibly frail, and it seemed he was only able to speak of his true feelings with great hardships, only because he was pressing Svarik's hand quietly for comfort, as he did so, avoiding his look in shame. " You see... We wanted vengeance, and Falcon only kept vampires safe because of your plea alone... The easiest way to solve it would be for you... to die. I might have had to die if I killed you... but I did not really want to live at the time, anyway, and I... felt at that time that I could trust Demian, to deal with the aftermath. Demain... really, truly trusted Conrad, you see. Even after he refused to give him our vengeance... he did not want a weakling that refused to kill murderers of council members and General Irnet to get to rule. In his eyes, only Falcon could do a proper job, not you, who shielded those people after what they did. There were talks around these days in underground... if you were to die, simply due to instability itself, so vampires wouldn't attempt another coup, Falcon would be forced to kill them and step in publicly and rally people around him. That's what Demian wanted. Vampires to be killed, and Falcon to be forced to step up and take over the country by force. Sure, there'd be civil war, but with Damian's and Anxington's and many other's support, his chances of getting in power would be decent. He'd be hated tyrant by many, sure, but Empire favours the strong, so as long as he's strong, he'd weasel out of dangers, and no matter how miserable he would be to rule in blood, we still believed he's too capable to not be best choice, and he'd never choose to abandon his station as long as he knew he has no other choice to keep the country going. What we aimed for was... killing you, and forcing Falcon's hand, so he gives Demian vampires' heads in exchange for wealth and power to help him while he rules with an iron fist. But everything escalated so terribly... if I had killed you before you went to Mole, that would be it, but by the time I got back to Demian, he and Priest Varen had already chosen, to try to coerce you by intimidating you into signing documents first... It was out of my hands, and the best I could do was take part in it and hope I can mitigate it, and convince Demian in the meantime that you were worth sparing. You... loved your friends so dearly. I... was so sure... even if you were merciful, if you felt that was the only way, you'd sacrifice vampires that were strangers to you to save your friends. Varen had his own plans, but Demian had other ideas. Originally, Demain thought it would be wisest to have you sign them, make Conrad kill the vampires thinking that's the only way to save you, and then, after revealing the truth, force Conrad's hand, so Conrad would have to kill him, take away his wealth, and be forced to take over the country in your stead to stabilize the situation. My testimony of your character was barely enough, to convince Demian not to kill you after you sign the documents and vampires are dead. Conrad cares for you too dearly, and it won't make much difference if Conrad were to rule directly or not, since you two get along so well... so it's it wiser to keep you as a head, to avoid the civil war, since Conrad would keep working with you closely, anyway? It was barely enough, to convince him ... but everything else from that point on was out of my hands. I... miscalculated everything. Just how determined you were... how desperate Demian has grown, how... unscrupulous the people he hired were... How awful Bull Priest was... How terrible a place, the Crypt was. I... I was so angry. I did not know. I truly did not, " he did not sob this time, but silent tears finally slowly fell down, from the corner of his eyes, as he gripped Svarik's hand tighter, as if afraid the king would flinch away from him with mentions of the dark awful past between them. " And... And then, even if I pleaded for Falcon to come right away, it was still too late, and you were so hurt, and then, you were just going to die at Long Night, anyway, even if you struggled so hard to keep me alive and help me while you yourself suffered so? That ain's fair. I... I was so angry. I... somehow always end up so angry, whenever it comes to you... "
--- " Well, I won't say no to a cute nickname based on it, you know. I love names, and you can't stop me from hoarding all the things I love, " Spirit coaxed him innocently, adding. " So, the family could still nickname based on it so it feels lighter in the talks, while officials could still call me Mister Aellaír Something in official settings. My Underground name is Dragonet, so my underground work won't be affected, anyway, so I don't really have to worry about the convenience of people who have to pause to say my cool new name out loud slowly until they get used to it. But if you'd prefer a more casual name for my new official name, can I entrust you with crafting me one, if you so like it? Pick me a name you'd feel most joy to call me with, every day, " Hans paused for a very brief moment, before he revealed a little more quietly, with little hesitancy, although with no shade of fear, as he confided in him - quietly raising a hand to his own face, and tracking an outline of a scar that Senecio has delicately covered in makeup before. " To be honest... Hans was a name given to me by Sage and Tide... It was a comforting, warm pun, a little jest between friends to make the dark world feel lighter, of me just having to have that name, because I was too handsome not to be - Hans. It was a name given gently to me by my family, at a time... when life was so very hard, and I was still getting used to my new face and felt not handsome at all, " his fingers rested quietly upon the place where Senecio knew the largest gash was under a heavy layer of makeup. " It is a very dear name to me... But I... am doing quite well those days. And a lot of things are changing for the better since Thief perished, and Tarmagil died... and you came around, too. So, " he coughed, looking into the actor's eyes shyly, as he bid. " I think it would be lovely, since my first official name in Lowlandian records came from Sage and Tide, for my next name to come from our cute Youngest. Would it be a burden or a joy, if I ask this of you? " |
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"Okay... that makes me feel like I've been proud of making a checkers move while everyone around me was actually playing a complicated version of chess..." Svarik muttered. "But that's all in the past now. Is there something making you angry now?"
--- Senecio considered the request seriously. "I think Aellaír would sound good as a part of an official name. And the most natural way to shorten it and avoid that weird accent is Aella. But I'm not sure if that fits you so well. The other option would be Ilar. Which one do you like more?" |
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" All the rest of us were maybe playing a complicated game, and your deception may not have tricked me... I have been privy to the world of politics for a while, and I was missing only two exams, to qualify for a spot in the council. If I had only passed them just a little bit sooner... I would have been with Jim and Edward that day, and I would have died with them... We would have never met, for you to attempt, such tiny deception on me, " Ben whispered, with an unusually soft, tender, sad smile. " Who do you think you were tricking, with such deception that was unqualified to be called deception? You clearly hated leaving me hurt, anyway, and you barely hoped, if you hurt yourself to look a little more pitiful with me, I'd feel more reluctant to be your and your friends' enemy. Can it even be called a five percent of deception, when everything around it was so warm? So, you never deceived me... I was always looking straight at you. Sure, it was so very frustrating that day, how overly tolerant and understanding you were, and how impossible it was to make you mad. People should be more mad when unfair things happen to them. Your main coping strategy being sadness and understanding is very frustrating... you will have a very hard time, with swindlers and politicians, using your compassion against you... just like Jim always struggled, in the unscrupulous council. I hated that. But... I quite liked... I very much liked, the person that choose firmly to be kind, even if he could do the same things without putting his heart of his sleeve. I very much admired, the man who had resolved to get his hands cut all over, in the tiniest hope it would make his friends's chances to be hurt just a littlest bit slimmer. That it will make his enemy's chances to see him favorably and make peace with him just a little more likely. I really admitted, that resolve... And I very much liked the person that I saw that day, in all the little things and concerns you gave to your friends. There was no reason, for Falcon to tell you more about me, or give you any hints or direction... He clearly trusted you would show who you are on your own, he only set the stage for you. I thought... with him looking out for you, it was fine that you were a bit naive since he'll fill the gaps you lack. You were filling more gaps than sir Falcon did for you, after all, because sir Falcon before he met you was not the kind of person that would spare either vampires or mine or Demian's life. You were clearly filling in much deeper gaps where his humanity was lacking... so how could I ever look down, on your efforts to make that quiet efficient clockwork machine back into a person, even if it went against my revenge? There are different ways people can be valuable, and precious... And I did not wish to save you because you hurt your hands to heal me... I just very much admired the resolve and hope for making peace, of the person that healed me. And... And right now... What I am angriest, most frustrated about... is how long you were stuck with a person, that gave you so little warmth, " Ben's voice grew louder, more fierce and bitter - but his hand grasping Svarik's was shaking, and the anger was not directed at the meadow king. " How could you possibly know, just how highly I thought of you when all we have had was build on context and bad things we were forced to go through together? It was never a sunk cost fallacy, to me... I genuinely wanted to you be okay, but how could you know, if all I did was scorn you? I was... so unfair to you. I... my heart was a mess at the time, and... Demian really hurt me deeply. I genuinely wished to die. There was no deception to it. But... I also yearned so much, just to see you a bit longer. Just to see you get a little bit better, after the horrible ordeal I put you through. And then... before I knew it, it was too late. I.. gre more attached to you, than I thought I could and you... You grew too attached to me, and I could no longer die without hurting you. But I was so hurt, and I could not live, without hurting you, either. And you did not want me to die, so you endured it. But it does not mean it was right. I... When I was worried about you, I yelled at you to take better care of yourself, when I was afraid for your life, I yelled at you to stop being so distracted, when you were sad, I yelled at you not to be so easily brought down. When you were concerned about me, it was easier to yell at you, than to tell you how afraid I am, that I would die in front of you, and that you would feel guilty about it until you die. When you'd ask me what's wrong, it was easing to yell and blame the stupid curse, that to say that it hurt so badly, how much it shredded my soul, to pass so much music through it to connect Mountain Heart and the crypt... It was really horrible... but if I ever put it to words, and then died afterwards, I felt like I would break you with guilt, because it was something I had to do for you to live... so it was easier to yell at you and be instead frustrated, at the stupid body and soul that refused to heal, " his eyes were teary, but Svarik could recognize something else it the way they were shaking - determination. He clearly tried to be brave, to do what he felt he must. " How do I even begin... to break, those horrible, heavy shackles I have tied you down with? I kept rehearsing it... and it seemed convincing in my mind. But when I look at your face, it seems an impossible task. You are as stubborn as a mule... so what could possibly work? I... You know I'll not seek death anymore, right? It won't be easy... but I am going to sink my teeth into life, even when it is hard. There's also no way I won't help you when you need something, even if... we aren't friends. There's no benefit you'd lose, even if you don't walk on eggshells around me. I.. know I look a bit like a mess, but... I am really feeling much better. My health may be a bit frail, sure... but I am not going to die just from this much anymore, and as long as I'm alive, it will slowly get better with time, okay? So you don't have to worry about my health... and... And Simbel said he'd like me at his side, and... Simbel's pretty stubborn, too, so it's unlikely he'll change his mind too easily, so... so you have to worry about me having no one, if you aren't there. I kept thinking, while waiting, that those are perfectly reasonable arguments, but... I never really know, when it comes to you. I... Just like you never know what I'm thinking, I can't help not knowing how you're truly, really feeling, because your words are always filtered and coated, through your concerns and worries for me. But... what we are having... it isn't right anymore. It... never was, " creature looked very small and frail, but its sad eyes were determined, with through clearly swirming through its head, fermenting slowly ever since he woke up. " A frail vague relationship, where one person can never fully know what the other is thinking, and the other side can never fully know what the other side is feeling... It is such an exhausting way to live. You... you are too considerate, to break it, but I... I am very good, at breaking things... "
--- A slow, bright and blinding smile spread across Spirit's lips. " Indeed, Aella would be a little too soft of a nickname, for sarcastic bastard like me... But Ilar... Yes, I like it. Someone soft like Tide would be fine with a softer one, but Ilar gives me much needed sharper edge, " Being agreed, stepping in easily, into Senecio's way of picking, and nodding with pleasure to his choice. " Now we only need the coolest last name to complete the pretty picture, and it'll be perfect, but we don't have to rush with it, since we have time before official adoption, okay? I really feel like I had been given an unexpectedly big boon today, and I got both a name and a nickname in one day... It's pretty great. But if you think through and decide about last name you are certain about, do tell me, deal? I'm curious to see what you picked, as, like I promised, you'll be the one to have the final say there, too. So, for now, instead, " as if he could not help an endearment, he again reached for Senecio's head, and warmly fixed his hair behind his ear, using it as an excuse to steal a caress as he bid. " Would you like me to speak to you about your true name, or would you rather save it for some other time? Things will always happen, as you wish, so do not feel hesitant to bid me one way or the other. Would you like to speak of it now, or save it for later? " |
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Svarik lead Ben to sit down on the bed with him. "I'm feeling a lot of things, it's almost impossible to fit into one conversation. And you’re right, I'm hesitant to reveal it all at once because of the prior experiences with you. If you want to know it all, I think it would be better to talk it through one thing after another. First I'm just glad and relieved that you are awake and doing well, but I'm also wondering who you are now and what I should call you. You clearly are the person I knew, but there's a whole another person that was before that, is ancient and has great powers. As I talk to you though, you are the same as I knew you... but I didn't know Riversong well, so I can't really tell. It feels like an opposite of what I experienced. I've lost half of my soul while you gained a part, not of a soul but of memories of another life, and lost a soul that has been intertwined with yours, so... I'm not quite sure if I expected you being the same as I knew you or different or if I even knew what to expect. Do I need to get to know you again or do I already know you? I think that's the first of my feelings right now..."
--- "I would like to hear it now," Senecio said. "I feel like it's so much easier to think of a name for you than of a surname that should be mine as well. I think of something grand, it doesn't feel right. Then I think of something more mundane, it doesn't feel right, either. Maybe knowing my own name would help." |
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Ben seemed to find it a little easier to talk while sitting, as his health was still quite frail, but even more so, he clearly looked hopeful since Svarik seemed intent to be honest, so he gave his very best, too.
" That's... precisely what made all this ten times harder," he admitted bitterly, clearly quite intent on being transparent, too." At first, it wasn't that hard... it was bitter, that no one that knew me before tried to save me from the horrible human life, so... screw them, right? It won't be easy, but let's just continue as myself here, and sort out old things as they come. And some things, like dealing with White and Jake were very hard, especially since I was dying and couldn't promise them anything... but then suddenly, Death came after Long night, and kept apologising, saying he came to get his friend back... and that friend was Riversong. And those days, I felt like everything else I had with you and White and Jake was on shaky grounds because of my fears and temper tantrums... so it was too tempting, to not at least lose one thing. So... I latched onto it, and tried to put my mind into it... I was so desperate, to keep at least something for sure, so I tried to balance between the two, instead of letting go," He smiled sadly." It... really wasn't great. but... he expected his long lost friend, and was treating his friend kindly. I did not want to lose it, but not losing it meant putting a pause on everything else. I barely got more distant from my own suicidal thoughts. Getting back into Riversong's mindset... meant getting back to having very bleak present. Riversong... Hated very deeply... that fairies died, while he survived. He lived a depressing tense life, where he was torn between obsession of developing healing powers, and constantly avoiding Death's future vision. The reason he knew about future vision so deeply was that he was very desperate for Death not to worry about his suicidal thoughts or see his daydreams of death as real attempts. It's... it's not like it feels like having two people in my mind, telling me different things. It's just me. But it feels like... having a really bad habbit or addiction engraved into you too deeply to easily shake of. It feels like... mind craving desperately to return to the unpleasant pattern of thoughts, no matter how I dislike it, just like addicts yearn to get back to what they don't want, because habit is too deep," he shook his head sadly, smiling as he confided, indeed, it seeming as if with every word, something tried to hold him back. from speaking. " Riversong's habits... are unhealthy garbage. He is a tight box, impossible to move comfortably in. It's shit. Riversong's instincts want to tie down my tongue most desperately. They want me to keep quiet, even if somebody were to put a knife to my throat, to not dare sway future lines. But... I know you can understand the situation pretty decently from the context, so why should I keep quiet to you? I already told you Riversong was desperate to learn about healing souls... So isn't it only reasonable to assume he was so desperate because the most important person to him desperately needed healing? Death... Could hide it well, but he was... Terribly hurt, for a long time. And Riversong, who was the only one who knew, was always in agony over it - because of being the only one who knew, but being unable to help nor confide in anyone about it. Because anyone else knowing dramatically increased futures where Death could die. So, they both lived in hell, like that, tolerating the war they hated in silence... " Ben explained bitterly." My mind is screaming warning signals at me, not to tell you this... Not to tell anyone. But I... I know you have enough clues to understand... And you have met more Demons by now, than when we last talked. So... Do you understand better, now?" He asked Svarik tensely and hopefully." This bad position I have inherited? This covenant of silence, that Riversong always had to desperately keep. How could I dare, to tell you the war was wrong and Death was ill, when that being said out loud would make it more likely for him to die? And... How could I explain to White that it isn't that Riversong didn't think of his was worthy of help and affection... Or that I did not want to help him with my powers, either. But even if I had full powers, how could I dare help White have a body or ease his restrictions, if... If once he has a body, he chooses to become a Demon Hunter again? Neither Riversong after White Eagle died, or me now, want White to be a demon hunter. By the time I fell asleep, White still had great aggression toward demon folk, even if he tolerated vampires somewhat... so how could I contribute, to getting him back on that sad hunter path? And... Jake... how could I explain properly, that it isn't that I... dislike him... but that I am desperate, caught in eternity-long sunk cost fallacy that I don't dare to throw away? For such an immense sunk cost fallacy as Death, I felt like I had to conform, and do my best to... get back into being a person Death wanted to have back. I could not... explain anything, to anyone, but still had to keep my distance, to not make future lines more precarious. For Riversong, thousands of years of being trapped in the suffocating net of dark future lines, unable to learn healing of souls, and unable to confide in anyone and beg anyone for help... I know how well you handle souls, and I trust you, and I wanted to ask for your help for him... but Riversong was always terrified, of increasing danger for Death, and he knew how Death did not feel safe enough to entrust his soul to anyone else, and felt like him learning healing himself was the only choice. My lips were ever sealed, against my tries to break out of it and to sit down with you and White, and to tell you, how things are... Riversong dread was too persistent, for me to go against it... The garbage, horrible obsession with secrecy I inherited is so trashy and burdensome. It was a horrible covenant to have to inherit, and even if I weren't lonely and desperate to keep it... How could I ever wish, to make his painful life even more lonely? He... Struggled to help me survive after Long Night, so I could not turn my back on him and leave his future more dangerous, either... Just like Riversong had no one else, he had no one else, too... " --- Hans and Tide glanced between each other, and Tide nudged Hans, as if encouraging him about something. Spirit smirked at him, but then, he coughed and said slowly. " Real name giving... Usually start with descriptions of all one is. Unlike names of affection, it's like throwing a bucket into the deepest well, and looking through all the wonderful things you brought on the surface, and shaping a name by summing it all up. So, I'd start with the whole description, and if it's something you want, you may choose last name based on it. But, after our last talk, I did some thinking and I asked Tide as well... And I'd like to offer you another option first, so you know it's on the table, " Spirit paused a little, before he added, with a tender, but a little embarrassed tone. " You know, I did some research... And di Parvaio comes from "paarvai ", which means, "sight"," perspective""glimpse"... things like that. For us, who were always forced to live in hiding, isn't it quite lovely, to feel "seen"? What I mean to say is... I know di Parvaio feels close and important to you. You are famous for it, and it was the last thing you have left, from your family, " he whispered seriously, looking at the actor's face carefully, to try to see through his feelings on it. " So, me and Tide talked... We really don't think you have to discard so much of yourself, to be with us. You've already discarded so many bad habits and coping mechanisms... You're doing so well. There's no need to discard all that you were - and wouldn't it be just as fun, if you gave us a part of yourself, instead of choosing everything new? Wouldn't it be quite fun to have everyone in the theatre see I am so madly favourable to you, that I'd change my whole 300 years old name of the noble family, into yours? I think it would be quite fun, to have the whole world see I love you that much. So... Of course, if you pick up something you feel is better and want to shed the past behind, of course, we'll support you, and we want to have it. But if you want to hold onto and reclaim a piece of your past, instead... We are just saying - isn't Aellaír di Parvaio quite an awesome name in its own right? " " And later, Tide di Parvaio does have a nice feeling to it, too, right? " Demon added sheepishly, with reddened cheeks, his feelings clearly overflowing with bubbly thoughts. " I am not sure yet if I'd be changing my first name by that point too, as that feels like a choice for that moment and depends on names we weave up to it, and taking your last name is quite romantic in on itself, too... There's no reason to discard everything you love, if some of the old things feel more right... There's no reason why we can't take on part of what you have. Family shares everything, and we can share and treasure whatever we feel is right between ourselves, whether things or names. " |
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Svarik nodded slowly. "Then I see that you are the same person I know. It's not like Riversong it someone added to Ben, it's rather that Ben was Rivesong with this one secret removed. It really is a very confining life. I'm thankful I can't perceive the threads of fate, because always picking the best path between countless others must be insane. It's better to not see it and let things come as they do.. But what if the risk of doaing that would be too high? It's really an impossible situation. But you think I could help... Death? White suggested something like that too, that I could help another injured Being. But my music is not really that powerful, and there are many other, more experienced Listeners, like Melody. Why do you think I would be able to do that?"
--- "I'm not sure..." Senecio said slowly. "I feel like it's my father's name more than mine. I've been trying to reclaim it, but there's still a shadow of him in it, and I'm not even sure what my feelings towards him are now. I was willing to die to make him proud, but I live, and he would be ashamed of me for my failure. But that failure is a relief to me, and I feel much happier now that having a memory of him dictating my steps. I... king of want to be di Parvaio, if that wouldn't be my family name, but just a stage name chosen by me, like most people believed it was." |
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" What... Who said your healing skills are inferior? Are you just being self-conscious, or did someone belittle you, comparing you with your peers? If anyone was mean to you, please tell me. I'll have a word with them, " Ben frowned, his ears perking up, like that of a moody cat, awkwardly raising his fist, as if he were trying to beat someone up - it seemed he was a little on the edge, and could not help get a bit angry. When he gazed back at Svarik though, his gaze was more thoughtful, and his anger was laced with his peculiar sharp kind of protectiveness. " Don't dare look down on yourself, you hear? Or do you think I picked you to latch onto for help, just because of personal feelings? Sure, I care for you dearly, and I trust you, but it's not like trust is going to manifest inferior healing powers into suddenly becoming decent enough. Your powers are a real deal. And you can trust me when it comes to soul healing. While that bastard Riversong gave me a whole rubbish of coping mechanisms to unlearn, he did leave me thousands of years of soul research, and you won't find a better non-healer soul expert than me, " Ben explained more fiercely, if not in his personal connections, clearly at least confident in this one thing. " And healing of souls is not as linear as it may seem, or as simple as healing of body. In the healing of the body, you can clearly distinguish between someone with huge knowledge and experience as better. But in the healing of souls, it's not as linear. It's hard to put it into words... But the healing of the soul is a more spiritual experience, and connection with the healing and what feels safe is terribly important. And there are different healings different souls crave. Death is the strongest force in the universe, but do you know why his healing works on souls with all kinds of personalities and preferances? Because when souls die, their thoughts and egos are extremely faint while they are dead. If there's no resistance to healing, of course, it will work. If you were beaten up and are afraid, but someone knocks you unconscious with a rock and heals you while you are unconscious, of course, it will work. But if someone beat you up and you're afraid and conscious of your awful state - of course, suddenly it's not quite the same, right? Death has a great cheat when he heals dead people because people's boundaries are vague when they die. But having the most powerful healing stream pass through you while you are alive - it can cut you up instead of bringing you together. For... for example, " he paused as if wondering if he should say it, or not before he timidly brought it up. " During... The Long Night... I... Knew, if I used my soul to connect a strong enough stream of music to cleanse the Vein all the way from Mountain Heart to the capital, that it would mince up my soul horribly... It was a ridiculous endeavour, for most souls. But that was something only I could do.. so I did it. But it felt horrible... Like my soul was minced through a meat grinder and turned into goo of inflamed tiny bits, that burned with pain with the slightest touch. Minced up like that, with the slightest contact bringing horrible worst memories of my past that made opening up to healing even harder, it was no wonder the curse was taking over me so easily... how awful do you think it would be if a strong fierce stream of healing power ran through me? It would be no different than throwing fine dust to be washed away by the mightiest river in the world. I knew it in my gut, that it would either corrupt me or tear me apart. Melody's power, too - she is more skilled in handling music than you, but because she is so skilled, you never can relax fully, because her music is precise and exact like the tip of a needle, doing exactly as she desires - and you never know when one note can pierce a little too deep, so how can you relax fully? But you... Your music is not as firm, and sharp. Sweeps of your notes are overflowing, and patient. It's different... from Melody, who feels clearly what must be done, and will do it, even if it hurts more and feels too overwhelmingly fast. You... are silly, and soft-hearted, and overly merciful, gentle like a cloud. Your music is shaped by it, " despite all surrounding anxiety around their talk, it seemed as if Spirit could not help but smile as little, as if he was happy, that after so long time of arguing and yelling at him, he could say something good to Svarik. " Even with music that has to be stronger to pierce through inflammation, you do not make it sharp until the last absolute moment you have to, and build up to it is very obvious, and clear. Nothing in your music catches people by surprise... It is so wonderful. It is... like you. Infinitely reliable and tender, a softness without one sharp edge. Not a sword, or a small knife, but a blunt thin stick that may hurt if used strongly, but will never feel like a threat to your life in the same way a blade would. If Death's healing is the fiercest river that washes away all the pain decisively, if Melody's healing is that of a meadow river, more gentle, but strong when a stronger current is needed to clear the path, your healing is like healing that comes with a feeling of being soaked up safety in a calm soothing lake, basking in the sun. It's predictable, and reliable, and safe. Where Death's and Melody's music is stronger, your exceeds their, in safety it provides. It's... it's like, different people have different instruments that they crave. You'll never move the heart of a person whose favourite instrument is a piano, with music of an instrument they dislike, no matter how good you may play it. For me... if I had to pick a healer, both for me, and Death... It would be neither Death if he could have healed himself, nor Melody, from people I know. It would be you. Lord Nameless is a close second, and ideally, if we are actually discussing real treatment... Some combination of more than one person would be more ideal, for different moment and stages of healing. But if I had to pick only one, of course, it would be you. Both as a healer and a person... you have qualities that make healing feel much less scary than it really is. It is most suitable, for people like me and Death whose wounds are really terrible, so... So there's nothing for you to feel inadequate about, okay? Without you playing for me before we tried to lift the curse, without your music to glue me up a little bit, I'd have surely been washed apart, by the weight of the curse. I... Think your music is beautiful. Your hate for causing pain may seem counterproductive in a world where pain happens nonetheless, but I think it's the softest healing music I have ever encountered and there's immense quality to that. You have every right to feel proud, of this music that can only be as reliable as it is, because you are as reliable as you are, " Creature's cheeks were red in embarrassment, and it was hard to speak, but he clearly tried his best to voice his thoughts because he felt like Svarik had to hear them, and it was the least he could give back, for everything he received from him. " I... don't know that particular Being you say you are trying to help, so I can't say how well you'd be able to help without knowing more, but either way, you'd be wrong, if you belittled yourself as an option just because your healing is different in intensity. Some people prefer soft and shimmering melodies to fierce sweeping tempo changes. You can't just throw everything on Death's plate and think it'll work out. That kind of attitude led us to this place, where he is so miserable. He literally is only the best option when you are dead, but every bastard in the world expects him to be able to solve everything when he is just one healer of one specialization. It's like expecting an expert on sewing battle wounds to fix your hurting teeth. He may be able to do it decently, but he's not the best person for the job. So, don't you dare feel inferior to any of the so-called big shots, okay? In your own way, even if you're not the strongest force in the universe, you are the most delightful one... I.. I think so, at least, and it is so, in Riversong's professional opinion, and many will feel the same. Don't belittle what you can give to the world, especially when it's something that is only so rare and delightful because you're such a rare delightful bastard, you self-deprecating idiot... "
--- " That's why I am trying not to say too much about it, because your feelings about it are so complicated. I don't want to sway your decision one way or the other, " Hans explained mindfully, waving away with his hand fiercely, as if to underline his point. " Just like I'm trying very hard not to talk about your goddamn bastard of a father, I don't want to force your thoughts into one direction on the other... You should do what makes you happy. If you want to keep di Parvaio as stage name we can do that too, just as we can use it as both. You know, we don't have to say now, either, that we are reviving some grand past noble family - we can just say that we are upgrading your stage name as our family name, and it's not like anyone but historians would dig out old records and know. And even if they knew, what would they do? See it and think it's a neat fun fact? So you can go wild and do whatever. It's just that, while thinking about nobleman and stage names, we also have to be mindful and decide... about or well, stage names, you can say, and writing names, " Hans coughed sheepishly. " So far... I always wrote my books under various human pseudonyms throughout history. This first script book we published together, was the first book we made together, and a book where I used name I deem my own, of Hans Eldergod - mine as nobleman name, no pseudonym. And, since we wrote this book together, as writer and cowriter, we're going to write all the next ones together, too - so for that, before we write the next one, I just wish us to be on the same page, and decide what are we going to use for writing and signing our books in the future. What we'll be known to history as. Do you wish us to keep it, and remain Hans Eldergod and Senecio di Parvaio as artists, and have nobleman names completely different? Or do you wish to overwrite previous names with di Parvaio? Perhaps it was your family name, but right now, you're the only person that remains in that family, so it is the name that belongs to you alone now, to do whatever you wish with it, whether give it a new shine, keep part of it and change other part to your liking, or bury it altogether. " |
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"I'm not sure... I know my music is gentle, but it's not strong. It can soothe, but healing grievious wounds is another thing. How can I heal a wound that stretches over a whole layer of the world when all I have is a light touch of a little stick? And if what you are saying is true, then I'm losing time by trying to be a king," Svarik said a bit shakily. "If my music is so good for healing, I should focus on that when there are so many Beings who need help."
--- "I think I would like to keep it just as a stage name. Others might not know the connotations if they aren't historians, but I would know, and it's not what I want. As a stage name though, it's not inherited, it's just mine, chosen by me. That's what I'd like to keep on the book too, but you can use whatever artistic name you want. But for a family name, I would like a new one, since I have a new family. Maybe we could keep the element of *seen* in it, in some other languague," Senecio said. |
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" You damn fool... You absolute idiot... How can a bastard like you have such high skills and good nature, and still have such trashy self-esteem and situational awareness? Sure, if we're going into technicalities, you've been a puppet king, with sir Falcon taking and spreading out among his people insane part of your burdens, but does it mean you should feel bad, for not being able to take all on yourself a ridiculous amount of workload, impossible for one person? Empire is just too vast, for it to fall onto the shoulders of one, Thief was only able to keep it together so well because he had countless lifetimes of experience with ruling, and the ability to coax and push qualified people into uniformly following him, instead of fighting for power among themselves. He ruled with intimidation and force, but just because Thief was a bastard, do you think he was an idle bastard? Just because he ate souls, does not mean circumstances did not make him into an insanely efficient ruler and politician, despite his methods. Only someone as insane as sir Falcon can replicate what Thief was doing because his organisational skills are impeccable. If sir Falcon were to die, yes, sure, you'd be screwed, and you wouldn't have ten minutes free from the day, to heal anyone. But what is there for you to worry about, in this arrangement? Especially now, that sir Falcon seemed to have scammed that poor unsuspecting fellow Eros to be his instant messenger, you two are practically unstoppable and can now work on a lot of things remotely. You can do moderately well with your kingly duties from a distance, and as long as you get a couple more people to spread your obligations with, you may even buy yourself even more time off. The more you can spread things out, the more freedom you can have to move around and do whatever you like, healing included, so what's there to feel blue about? Sir Falcon can't rule without you, so, well, it's hard to say if it's harder being a puppet ruler or a shadow ruler, but still, it does not change the fact that you're a goddamn perfect outlet for each other's ambitions. You could not be an efficient king without him, but the land would not be stable, anyway, without someone as incorruptible and admirable as its figurehead to soothe their fears. Making people feel reassured with such a moral person at the top is as important as ruling efficiently, you punk, " Ben continued fiercely, with the same, unique kind of sharp protectiveness that was unique to him, as it seemed under strong emotions that he was forgetting himself a little, losing sight of his ambition to stay calm and collected when he saw Svarik being sad. " When something's worth doing, it is worth doing it even if you're insecure about it. Both as a king and as a healer, you're uniquely qualified to give things only you can give so clearly because you are you. Tsk... tsk... Whether it's the spirit world or the human world, it's all just the same. People will look down on you if you're not flashy dramatic and outstanding... people will always look at flashy combatants like Sir Falcon with awe, but overlook poor adorable bastards like you, just because his core lies in non-combatant more heartfelt things. Just like Spirits would be in awe of Death, but look down on insane, unique bundle of delight and power that is Simbel. Just like other councillors looked down on my Jim and always tried to pressure him to quit and to suffocate him and question his credentials, just because he was too soft-hearted, naive, and light on tears... He would come home crying constantly when his motions were rejected for petty technicalities. Spirit world, human world, it's all the same... Bastards that don't want things to change will keep making you cry, and think less of you. Listen, punk... You are a great king, and a great healer, both. There's no reason why you should give up either thing you're great at, do you hear? " he ground his teeth visibly, as he gazed back at Svarik seriously, with a sadness that was as suppressed and quiet as he was loud right now. " You... aren't alone, in either ruling or healing. Whether it's Conrad, Mole, Owl and the others when it comes to ruling, or Nameless, Ciel, Simbel, Melody, and that new guy, Tide, that I keep hearing about, when it comes to healing - isn't that a cartload full of reliable people, to count on? You can trust me, I have both ridiculous amount of petty ruling knowledge from my human life, as I prepared to join the council, and an even more ridiculous amount of petty healing knowledge from my Spirit memories. Just like ruling does not happen in a vacuum, healing doesn't, either. How to say it... if there's only one healer, one is better than none, but if the illness is terrible, having a more specialized plan where more people do what they are best at is much better alternative... hmm... Riversong does not have any decent comparison in his vocabulary, so let's go with mine - just like, if you're making a shirt, one person can do a decent job, but if you spread tasks out, and one expert does spindling of yarn, another expert does the sewing, and third expert does the embroidery, won't the final product be incredible instead od just nice? You might not be as expert of embroidery that can make healing look cool, but you're definitely an expert in spindling. Only with hands as skilled as yours it is possible to create such a soft yarn, that can make the softest clothes in the world. Without a proper yarn, no matter what you do, the shirt will be uncomfortable to wear, just like with poor embroidery, no matter how soft the yarn, the shirt won't look great. Everyone's contribution is needed. Just... Just like Death is an expert in his field, and Simbel is in his, does not mean you're not just as valuable, for being an expert in your field, so don't you, a person without whose care my soul would have crumbled into Nothing, dare to treasure yourself so little, " only Ben could say spew such words full of fire, with such a strange pained expression, and a mix of sadness and warmth." So, since we are speaking hypothetically, if... I were to actually devise the best treatment for Death, I would have it include you, Nammeless, and... that Tide guy. You three would be a perfect sum of just enough experts to make healing feasible, without them being too numerous to make things feel too crowded. But... Well, I barely have enough credibility to appear before that guy, so it's sure as hell he isn't going to listen to any such personal advice from me, as he is probably going to keep pretending like he isn't hurting that much until he rots away, anyway, so this hypothetical is probably pointless... But it doesn't change the fact that, if he were to try to heal and get better, that you'd be the first choice in my treatment planning and outline. So... So have dignity befitting of your skills, and don't you dare feel like you're wasting your time, for keeping living as you are. You're doing a goddamn good job, as you're own flavour of a king and a healer. Every person that has even lived in a cog in the wheel, so why should you feel inferior, when you have so many cogs around you, to help you make the clock turn so splendidly? Has it not passed enough, of not living on your own, for you to get used to not having to think of yourself as a lone individual that shoulders everything, but a part of a collective that spreads out big tasks into little ones, in specialisation that is as natural in humans as it is in littlest creatures like bees? You are... no longer a lone bee with no colony, a single human on the run, with only yourself to rely on. You have many people that are sharing your burdens equally with you, so you can shine and do what you're best at as your part in it, so when are you going to stop feeling like you're forced to choose one way or the other? Just because it will take some time for you to wrap your mind around ruling and you already have great grasp on healing does not mean you should throw the other thing in the garbage. It's not like you could study etiqquete and wealth distribution and and get a law degree while running for your life, but you studies what you could, and became an incredible healer in the last ten years, a great one, in your own right. You are doing perfectly well, with time you had so far... "
--- " Let's do it that way, then. Keeping Senecio di Parvaio and Hans Eldergod as stage names and pseudonyms for writings while having cool nobleman names for Lowlandian records seems like it will be a barrel of laughter, so let's go for it, " Spirit chuckled before he grinned back at him teasingly. " Now that we've gotten that out of the way, ready to hear more about your true name, you cute creampuff? I think that by now I've built proper enough suspense, so I think the timing is just right for a dramatic reveal, don't you agree? " |
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"It seems that I'm doing quite well as a puppet king," Svarik said. "There are things that nobody else can do, especially the public parts, but in everything else, I am replaceable. I thought so about being a healer, too, that if I can't do something, then there are others who can. Don't take it as low self-esteem, there is freedom in being replaceable. But you're saying it's not so. That my way of healing is unique. But in that case, isn't my duty to focus on the thing that I'm irreplaceable at? Shouldn't I just do the parts of being a king where I'm really needed, and then focus on healing? Isn't that what you have been doing with your own unique skills since you woke up?"
--- "I agree, it's properly dramatic," Senecio nodded. |
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" I am not saying Death will die without you, so calm down. I was merely speaking hypotheticals, for best fitting people's choice kind of thing. If you were not to do it, Melody, or someone else with a similar skill set, would do decently enough as a substitute. 80 persent success and 100 persent success is still a success, and without you, maybe something else could be done, to bring that 80 percent without you to 100 percent, but is it even worth discussing, when that bastard will probably just wait for it off and do nothing for his goddamn health? That means the contribution percent you have to worry about is zero, really... What use is your ability to heal, if a person in question just wants to pretend he's fine? Hey, are you seriously going to conduct a survey where you weigh out what you do in life based on how rare is your skillset? If we were going around like that, shouldn't that scary bastard downstairs be a warrior, instead of giddily talking about sewing up shadows and coolness into the fabric? Stars are one of the rarest critters, and there are countless of tailors in the world, so shouldn't he focus on the unique Destructiveness of the Star? How dare he do what he enjoys, instead of turning himself into a weapon of mass destruction he is meant to be? " Ben grumbled with a frown, while not meeting him yet, probably not able to quite ignore the occasional laughter and loud brightness on the floor below them, audible every now and then when Alpha Centauri would be pleased about something while speaking with the vampires. " How dare you want to have a normal human life, and dare to dedicate your life to any ambition and joy, instead of efficiency? Do you think anyone would find peace, in being treated by an overworked depressed healer? Listen, world went round and round before you were born, and it will go round and round... long after you die. But are you seriously going to choose what you give back to it by browsing through your skillset? Are you living, or applying for a job? I sure as hell am not doing what I am doing because my skills are unique. I am doing it... because I want to. Because I want, to live a completely different life, than Riversong did. I don't want a consequence-free, lonely life... Let it be life shredded with consequences... but by Gods, I'll make it so, so it's never again a solitary life again, no matter what it takes, " he clutched his hand in a fist, and he seemed feisty and determined, even if his expression was sad. " How dare you say silly things like Riversong's skill being irreplaceable... Sure, they are unique, but very little changes for the most part, with or without him. He lived almost his whole life in seclusion, so did the world not turn round and round perfectly well, without him using them most of the time? What would happen if he didn't use it? Sure, world and some lives would be different, like little Zephir to whom he gave eyes would probably be blind, and you would probably die at Long Night - but all in all, that doesn't mean he's irreplaceable... Just that world would be a little worse off without him. You also aren't irreplaceable - it's just that world would be a little worse of, without you. But you... you don't need to be useful, to be wanted, or to deserve your place in the world. You already have it, so what you give it is up to you. It is not like Riversong hated helping people... He loved it dearly, but he always ended up used and taken advantage of, so of course he was lonely and miserable and grew distant from others. His reclusive withdrawn habits are instilled in me, screaming that I am messing this all up and that I'll just create an even bigger mess with everything I do. But... Riversong was honest, simple and straightforward. He could not honest his way out of things... but I will definitely weasel my way out of things I dislike, somehow. I am not as simple-minded as he was... I am going to figure it out as I go, through any means necessary, how to not end up lynched by a mob, for daring to not make the whole world immortal and spend every waking moment fixing up the smallest inadequacies until I croak, " he snorted with some dry humour. " You, as well. How dare you spend a happy time building the country you love with people that you love? Why don't you play and play, until your hands bleed? Why don't you go yell at Simbel, for daring to take a bit of time for himself to braid his hair, instead of working non stop? Why don't you go and yell at sir Falcon, for daring to go to the sea to have a bit of fun with you, instead of slaving away every passing moment of his life? How does Owl dare to do anything but make medicine, and how does little Nameless dare to do anything, but sit and engrave songs in stones like he's an engraving machine? If both you and sir Falcon died, you know, maybe land would be worse of, or there'd be civil and religious war for power, but someone would fill the void, even if fates of many would be much worse. If you and Melody suddenly died, some other healer would come along, or hurt people's wounds would keep healing, ever so slowly, as they would have naturally, too, had you not been born. Given the right environment, even without taking care of himself, if the source of stress is removed, Death won't be able to help himself but start healing slowly. The big music of the Heart of Mountains will keep going on and on... only notes of the song that you touched yourself would be untouched. Sure, some souls, like the soul of you who saved the world at Long Night, make a huge difference because they touch so many notes of so many other living things, but it's not like Long Night is something that happens every day. World won't end, just because you lived your life as you wanted. Just because you lived a life where you could breathe, " his gaze grew stern and was filled with grief, as he asked him bitterly and sadly. " You have watched him, but have you learned nothing, of a sorry fate of a man that sacrifices every joy in favour of function? You have watched Death, but how did you learn nothing, or how horrible it is to live a life where you shave off all the joy, and only live to fulfil roles you feel only you can? Death felt only he could heal souls properly... but where his light could not reach, did unique people like you and Tide not appear? He felt only he could rule the Spirits properly... but had the world ended when he abdicated, and now awaits Solstice to rise up and be the next ruler? People burn out. Death burned out so hard that he almost burned down the whole damn world with it. Are you going to use that trash as your role model, who has the worst work-to-health balance in the world, when there are perfectly great role models like Melody around? How dare you have a life of joy, and dreams and hopes that make you delightful, when there's so much work to be done? How dare you be happy, when there's a function waiting to be performed? How dare you give the world a well-rounded, balanced individual for longer, when you can burn away in overwork and die after a few years of starving yourself to death, taking out every strand of light and music in you and spending it like a madman, until you're worn out and die in your sleep? How dare you, see the sad sight that is that bastard Death, and see him not as a cautionary tale of a discordant soul, but an example to follow? How dare you, be a person that enjoys life, instead of a machine that plays flute until it steals all air out of your lungs, Svarik? "
--- " Alright then, Before we dive into the interpretations, let us witness the contents, shall we? " Hans leaned back and made himself comfortable before he slowly started speaking, without rush, savouring every word. " My little Simay... Close your eyes, and follow my voice. It is a cold winter forest of the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year, and we're running through the night lit with moonlight, from the shadows we can not see but know are out there. The world is coated in the moon's silver, and the ground is full of shining snow and hoarfrost. The occasional snowflake passes us by here and there, like a spark of glitter. Before long, with bathed breaths, we reach the centre of the forest. In the centre, shielded by trees from all sides, is a great clearing, and a meadow. In the winter meadow, there is a contradiction - life. Countless roses grow, with lush velvety leaves, silver petals, and fierce thorns. In the middle of the meadow, there's a little stone house, barely one room big, as ones they build in the Mountains, with barely a little hearth in it, but it call for us, with a promise of warmth, with a long silver smoke raising from its chimney high up into the sky. We run through the sea of endless roses, toward the little house. We fear that our feet will get pierced up by the thorns, but thorns shy away from us. Instead, without turning back, we can hear painted howls of our shadowy enemies, pieces and torn up by the roses, and meadow bathes in the scents of iron and flowers, dulled by the frosty winds. We don't dare turn back to see it, but we feel it in our gut, that the roses will protect us. Once we reach the centre of the meadow, we enter the house, and we feel warmth and safety wash over us. In this little place, shadows can no longer reach us, and the thorns that frightened us before act as our shields. We sit around the little hearth, and the light it casts upon us is silvery and blue, as if someone tore away a slice of the moon and lit it up to keep us warm. The fear seems negligible compared to the pleasure of being safe, and the longest, scariest night of the year for us turns into the most joyful. Nothing evil of the world can touch us, in this shelter where the light of the moon burns and lulls us to sleep, where we wrap ourselves in silver blankets, and roast silver cheese and drink blood-red wine. Various healing herbs are drying and hanging around the little home, filling the air with a feeling of safety and making us all the more drowsy. That little house - that is you, my Simay. Everything is the centre of that little forest, shines with your name. Soothing silver light in which the world is coated, the moonlit hearth that keeps the shadows away when the world is unsafe, the tasty scents of cheese mixed with red wine, red and iron, the smell of blood and fragrant winter roses... The little house, where all is safe, a place of comfort within the frosty winter. Your name is a world of delicious contrast - of winter and summer, cold and warmth, sweet cheese and sour wine, and deep pain and pleasure, woven so tightly you can't distinguish between them. Your name sparkles in the moonlight and in the silver roses that grow under it. It reflects in the thorns that run deeply through you and are frightening to your enemies, but reassuring to your loved ones. No matter how tight they grasp you, they feel safe, for the thorns will never do anything but draw a little blood. Your name shimmers, with the scent of iron, and the soothing smells of medical herbs. Both the scent of the wound, and the scent of balm soothing it. Everything within it is safe, and shelters from shadows and cold... It may appear cold on first look, but for weary travellers who are forced to walk the roads of the night, there is no more welcome sight in the world, than the safe little home where no shadows can reach, where the loveliest scents and tastes gather up, where million little safe Details get summed up into one Picture. Everything that is safe, coated in silver and warmth... " even not seeing him, the actor could feel a tender bright grin full of fierce affection in Being's voice. " It is all you, our dearest Senecio, our sweet Seine, our precious Simay... " |
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Svarik smiled just a little to himself. "You are right, you know? What a life would that be, if I took an example from Death? So why are you doing it? Simbel told me that you've been exhausting yourself by helping everyone you could since you awoke..."
--- Senecio listened, captivated by Hans's voice and the images it painted, entranced by the beauty of it. He seemed a bit tense though, as if he at any moment expected to find something ugly, deep inside the safery of the house. |
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Ben's cheeks reddened a little bit with an unexpected turn of the question. But, despite looking unsure, it was clear that he was decisive in telling the truth and only the truth now - almost as if he feared that the moment he weaved in the tiniest bit of deception and lies into it, Svarik wouldn't be honest, either.
" I... have no plans, on being a martyr for the common good of the world... I am... doing it all for myself. Because I have no plans, to let Riversong's fears ruin my life, too, " he whispered quietly, but firmly, speaking slowly as he looked down thoughtfully to the floor, as if he found it harder to look at Svarik while sharing something so personal. " At the start, when I just regained my powers, I tried not to do too much... To save up my power for Long Night, but also, because Riversong's fears restrained me, warning me that if I am too open with my powers, I'll get estranged from everyone. Whenever he tried to belong somewhere and reveal his nature... people would use him, and guilt and blame him if he ever refused anything, blaming him for every misfortune. If you really love us, why don't you make us all immortal, they would say. If you really love us, why don't you fix up all our insecurities and make us all really strong and powerful, and give us all powers under the Sun? It... was not love. It was slaving away, until his strength was so spent and he'd be barely awake from tiredness and overwork, for no thanks and barely any warmth. It was one bad situation after the other, when he'd get too invested in one group or tribe, get conned, and where Death would have to step in to save him and comfort him from yet another failure to belong somewhere, whether among Beings or Humans. So... I am not saying Riversong's fears are unfounded... All I am saying is... While it made sense at the time to be sensitive about using my powers on others... the moment I grow ill and could no longer use my powers at all, everything felt extremely shitty. I hated it. I hated it so much, " he shook his head firmly, gliding his teeth. " It... was so hard... to watch people that were nice to me, and know I had a chance to do something nice for them before, but wasted the time I could have done it because I hesitated until I got weak enough that I could do nothing at all. So, it is not like I expect... my life will be that different from Riversong's. It is not as simple ands him not using his powers for others and being miserable, and me using power for others and being suddenly happy. I am so, definitely going to have this hit me over the head somehow, like it hit him, too. But... if it will be life filled with regrets, anyway, why shouldn't I pick the regrets I want? " he asked, with a little brighter, determined tone, that, despite being frail, had just a little, tiniest bit of hope in it. " So what - if some people will blame me, for not working myself to the bone for everyone, and for being selective? Sure, some will point fingers at me, or try to hurt me or to beat immortality out of me... But I want to do, what I want to do. I want... For people I like, to have no scars, to have healthy skin, healthy bodies, and complete souls. I want them to have all that, even if they may come to despise me for not giving more to them or to the rest of the world. I want... to live among people, even if people may despise me for not giving them everything, compared to not having to give anything to anyone, but living alone. I... am never going to live secluded, under some rock, crying bitterly about how no one likes me. Why should I care, if no one likes me? " he waved away with his hand with fierce and determined grit. " My life was bought with Death's suffering, with blood from your chest, and with lord Nameless's broken bones. So, by Gods, I will live it fully. It is too expensive life paid, to be wasted feeling sorry for myself. I... to be honest, I am generally quite miserable, and my prospects seem rather bleak, so I can not quite imagine what kind of crazy life it's going to be, and it'll definitely be unpleasant in many ways, but it will be automatically better than Riversong's life, by default. Riversong... had a soft, tender heart, that broke every time he was blamed and hated and stabbed and hit. But I, I am very used, to being looked down on and hated. I am about as much used to being beaten up and hurt... I don't need, Death to come in and hug me, so I don't drown myself in tears, or come in and save me, so I'm not locked up somewhere and forced to do as I'm told so I don't end up hurt. I'd have my teeth knocked out readily every day if it meant being able to keep seeing Simbel's smiling face so... So, I'll be okay, no matter how this whole experiment turns out. If we all choose our regrets, I want to regret doing too much for ungrateful bastards, instead of doing as little as possible so I'd face as little dejection as possible. May those bastards deject me to their heart's content... I am going to keep doing whatever the hell I want to. I am not going to have pitiful sad regrets, like not being loved for who I am... I am going to have megalomaniacal, huge and dramatic regrets, and regret that I did too much for the greedy world. If I am going to be guilted for not doing more no matter how little or lot I give, I'm going to do everything I want. I'm never going to hide under a rock, just because no one can hate me if they don't know me. If I'll be a hated bastard nonetheless, then I'll at least be a hated bastard who does whatever he wants, instead of a hated bastard who's always anxious about being loved... It's... too exhausting to live like that, and it's built-in too deep, so it's not easy, but I... I will definitely break out of his bad habbits, somehow... " --- Hans's smile grew deeper, as he could guess his thoughts. " It is dark, so it's natural it feels a little scary, in an unfamiliar environment. So, it's expected, that it may take a while, for you to get comfortable in it, " he spoke, and ever so gently, he extended his hand toward Senecio, and unexpectedly caressed his cheek, as he continued soothingly. " It's unfamiliar and new, and you are seeing it clearly for the first time, so it's okay to be a little worried and afraid. But look - can you see, how bright, the fireplace shines? It only feels a little bit eerie because the room is so bare. The household was clearly humble and poor, and everything in it, soothing and lovely as it is, is leftover from past times. The house has not been lived in for a while, but it is still a sturdy, good house, with a good foundation. The dry soft healing herbs are filling the little room, collected most carefully from all over the forest, and they are lovely and precious. The walls have a few cracks, but it's okay, we'll build clay paste and use it to mend them. The blankets are old and a little torn on a few places, but they are still so soft... It's all okay. It is old, but it still shines in the moonlight light of the silver fire. We'll spindle up some new soft fabric, and patch up the holes, and they will be as good as new, " he caressed the actor's cheek most tenderly, as he continued, whispering to him conspiratorially, as if sharing a secret. " The floor may be bare, but we'll bring some wool, and weave a soft wool carpet. The walls may be bare and lonely, but we'll gather and dry field flowers and hang flower decorations all over the wall, and we'll crush the flowers and chalk and rocks from the river, and make paint, and paint all over the walls, until they are full of paintings we all love. We'll cut down some trees, and build sturdy and warm beds, and fill them with the softest goose feathers. We'll build a cupboard, and fill it with dripping honey, mead and dry meat. We'll bring books from the valley, and read them inside, while the sturdy windows keep the night winds outside at bay, " he gave him a dazzling smile. " So is it not fine, that it is still a little bit bare, a little bit poor? Something being bare can be exciting, too. It means there's so much space left, to fill it with wonderful, beautiful things... Is there anything more exciting, than making a house a home? If there's a bit cobweb, we'll clean it' if there's dust, we'll sweep it away. It just wasn't taken care of too well, but that's the fault of previous inhabitants, never of the poor little house. It is a little worn and damaged from previous bastards that took itsa warmth and safety for granted, and it's now rough around the edges, but we love it here. For us, there is no house as beautiful, as this little moonlit house, where our heart is. We never wish to choose another... " |
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"Okay," Svarik nodded. "Just pace yourself, alright? There is time. I know it may not seem so, but you don't have to do everything at once. I think people here don't only want your skills, but also your company. By the way, if you have been doing that every time you got close to people, how many immortals are actually running around. Just so you know, I will ask you for it too. Not now, but eventually I'll have to because I can't just leave Conrad alone in it, can I?"
--- Senecio sighed a bit shakily. "Then you are welcome to stay," he whispered. |
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" R-really? Y-you mean it? " From previous tight composure, Ben's face crumpled up with shock, and he turned his gaze back to Svarik, his eyes growing wide. It was clearly the first time he heard of it, having missed so much while he slept. " I... I mean, if you're sure, of course. of course! I, I mean, of course, I would never refuse... but are you sure? I... naturally always hoped you'd ask, but there's no way I'd force you into a path that made you miserable, " he rushed to add, sounding a little more tipsy and disoriented now, as if he did not know if he should allow himself to be relieved and overjoyed, or worried, not able to decide whether he should fluctuate one way or the other. Instead, his voice grew a little more high-pitched and anxious, as he rushed to add as if fearing Svarik would misunderstand his efforts. " A-and... I do say I made trouble for you... but there's no way I'd jump into it as Riversong would have, without contingency plans. I just didn't get the time to discuss them yet. Riversong... was always so needy to feel wanted, so of course, the idiot was always honest, and pressuring me up with his honesty. But when I woke up, I sobered up and thought it through... I mean, am I not someone who spent half of my life in the underground first and then preparing for the council? I am well versed, in treachery and half-truths, and luckily, Riversong's honesty did not yet have time to ruin things. So far, the only people who really actually know of my true power and nature are the Grand Seven, and those few who took part in planning safety measures during Long Night, so very few. And I've been doing a lot, but I've been vague about it, and I limited myself to mending scars, illnesses and bodies, and did not dare spew any of the dangerous things, like immortality bullshit. No matter how loyal someone might be, if they learn I can give immortality, loyalty would falter. It's just too tempting... But I do want to fix illnesses when I am able to, so it's fine if they know I can do that, and feel greedy to ask me to help their friends or family members who are troubled. And fixing up scars or birth defects in one thing, so I've been acting like it's about the limit of what I can do, but I as hell ain't going to reveal I can move up and alter all muscle and bone structure. I am as hell not going to be trapped in a vicious circle like he would, of powerful and wealthy tribe members pressuring him to make them more beautiful or have them lose weight and gain muscle and fitness artificially. It takes too much effort, for slimy selfish bastards, or worse, artificially altering beauty standards feeds the insecurities of normal self-conscious depressed people, so either way, it's just not a volume I could handle, because a number of insecure people will always exceed people who are physically ill and whose quality of life would actually rise with my intervention. Ohh, and you definitely don't have to worry, about me randomly giving any special powers to anyone, or saying I can strengthen them. I am definitely not falling into that rabbit hole to ruin us, either. If someone's body was a little weak or battered up due to old and continuous injuries or an unhealthy life, I would strengthen and even it out a little, but just claim it was more of an easing of old injuries and illnesses, not actual strengthening. There's no way in hell I am going to make your life that miserable, by people getting an idea and starting rumours that I am your soldier and power factory, it would just strengthen militant currents in the country. I am aiming for as few blind spots and as much long-term sustainability... That bastard Riversong sure as hell did not even know what the word sustainability meant, " man puffed out his cheeks in a surprisingly childish gesture, sounding just a tiny, littlest bit proud of himself, as he continued. " So, I'm planning to set up the scene to condition people to not expect things that would bring up trouble... but things that could help Simbel. It would be good, anyway... if some nice miracles happen, now that he is a new Deity... in Bull's name, so people feel more lulled into a false sense of safety, and believe more easily, that Simbel is Bull's brother. I... wanted to talk to you about it, you know. I haven't decided on anything concrete without you yet... But Riversong was incapable of deception, but... I'm not. What do you think... about maybe spinning some public tale, that my power comes from earnest praying to the Bull, or some bullshit like that? Through it, we could more easily get people to feel hard limits, that I can only do what Bull wants to allow me to do... And... I thought... I could keep living among humans more easily that way, if we spin my immortality as a blessing from the Bull, " he whispered. " Falcon's... immortality, too. I have been a little worried from the start, you know, about how he'll handle it when people notice he's immortal and get questions. All throughout history... there are cases of people getting greedy when seeing immortals, and trying to capture and kill them, so they could study or dissect them, in hopes of gaining their immortality if they drink their blood or eat their flesh... Impossible thing, you understand, but greed is greed. Most of the immortals Riversong created sooner or later fell to similar things if they did not have outside protection from Being companions, so I doubt there are many immortals left, from the ones Riversong made in the past. Things would just.. turn out that way. I mean, for immortals that managed to slip through the cracks. For most of them, though... Death has the authority, to strip anyone from immortality, so he'd strip them away if he felt they passed the line, so it's unlikely that many slipped his gaze, to begin with, " he spoke more quietly and thinly, of such past, looking more small and faint, as he shared. " So... if we claim immortality and strength is not our domain, but only domain of the Bull's whims... Bull's authority will protect you, and drive away the attention of evil eyes, because the greedy ones will assume they have to please the Bull, not force and pressure us to give it to them. I think only way we can do this... without me being forced to run away to divert their attention, is to claim it under Bull's powers. Riversong... really got into a lot of trouble, over strength and immortality matters, most of all. There were... a few occasions where he made some people immortal, and that one time when he was very lonely and seriously messed up when he made a whole tribe of immortals hard to kill, and that tribe became a dominant warrior race around, and Death had to step in and clear out all the mess and revoke all those immortalities... But even more so, there were many occasions, when he was beaten up, battered and stabbed, and even a couple when he was imprisoned, and when humans cut up parts of him, trying to see if... if eating them would grant them immortality or powers. I mean... Death always saved him, so things never went too far, or too dark... It was never... something Death or he could not fix. If he was stabbed, he could mend his flesh, if his limbs were chopped off, he could reattach them... He could fix himself up. But it does not change the fact that he always got himself in trouble because he was too honest and needy. If... If I mess this chance up, I'd have to make a run for it again, like he always had, and hide in a hole at the end of the world, and I can't afford it. Not this time. This city... is the only place I have left. If... if I am forced out of it, I'll have nowhere else to go. I... hate those lonely mountains, and those empty streams of the Singing river, with no person to talk to, and only the sounds of animals and Mountain heart overflowing, with no human voice to hear for miles and miles, and no one that would call me by name. It's hell. I don't ever want to get back there... "
--- Hans could not help but laugh, his laughter unrestrained and bright, like foaming of the sea - Senecio could not help but wonder, how more often he was hearing it recently, as they got closer. " Thank you, my littlest apple pie... I have never rested more soundly, under a more safe roof... " he confided in him conspiratorially, and then, as if stealing a moment of gentleness, he cupped his face slightly, and lowered it lightly so he could kiss his forehead, and he brushed along his hair caressed it reassuringly... While he certainly seemed pleased Senecio was so touched, still it seemed he disliked shaking him up and tried to comfort him somehow, yearning to soothe him after making him anxious with such personal imagery. |
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"That's wise," Svarik nodded. "It seems like it's the nature of humanity, to just want more than we have. By now, I haven't even met that many Being compared to how many of them there are, yet I've heard too many stories about Beings imprisoned or exploited by mortals. So it feels a bit like being a part of it with my requestt, but I still mean it, for two reasons. First is all of my immortal friends, but especially Conrad. You caid I balance him. Can you imagine him in eternity, working endlessly like a clockwork machine, loosing all hiss humanity in the process? I can imagine it too well, if he's left on his own again. My second reason are those Beings that humans so like to expoit. It will happen again and again to good-natured Baings, ale I would like to be there to help."
--- Senecio took a moment to calm himself and relax a bit. "But how can all of that fit into one name?"" he asked. |
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(OOC: Hi dear! Unrelated to messages, when scrolling on tumblr, this post popped up, I don't know much about writing and ai, but apparently, it seems a lot of AO3 writers recently started locking their fics to protect them from ai, I don't know if you've seen the circling post or if it's relevant to you, but sending just in case ^^ https://www.tumblr.com/arcticfern/755228009464807424/for-those-who-dont-know-how-to-lock-your-fics-i?source=share
Ben could not help but glance a little more thoughtfully at Svarik, as if he did not expect that answer from him, growing a little quiet for a moment. " Perhaps... you haven't met that meant Beings yet, but I guess you still have seen quite a wider world, while we were apart, " he smiled a little sadly, watching him wonderingly, as he continued. " But... why does it sound like you're trying to give me justifications? Even if you asked for immortality because you wanted to have an eternity to eat cakes and pet kittens, without doing anything grand for the world, I would give it to you, you know... You don't have to come up with some a business plan for me to say yes, you know? I mean... who has more right, to coax something out of me, than you? "he was fiddling with his fingers a little embarrassedly. " It isn't... really about immortality, either. Sure, our debt to debt ratio is vague and convoluted, as we could claim either way, that you'd have died without me during Long Night and I'd have died without you after it, but it doesn't mean those two cancel each other out. It... I know I may have been a little prickly at the start about using my powers, but even if grumpy about it, did I not always do whatever you asked of me? Of course, I'd be a little prickly, with Riversong's bad experiences ringing warnings in my head... but it is not that I at any time did not wish, to do what you asked. And who has bigger rights, to pile on ridiculous requests on me, than you? You... you don't have to give me convincing arguments to give you immortality, you know that, right? " he asked carefully, as if hoping he wouldn't fall into misunderstanding. " It's enough that you really want it, and that it's within moral bounds. Like, for example, while I am not able to do it anymore, if I were, and you asked, I would definitely not be doing things like bringing intelligent Beings into existence, since it's too much like making child soldiers, but since I can't do it anymore, it's a bit hard to imagine anything else you could ask from me, that would fall outside of my moral framework. I mean... even if you wanted something cringe or silly, or something short termed for fun, I'd do it, too, if you really wanted it. You want me to give you purple hair, or silver eyes for a few days? Do you want green skin that can photosynthesize light? Want to have stronger than average hands, so you can crack walnuts between your fingers? Want a stomach that can digest metal, so you can prank people by munching on ore? I mean... honestly, I can't really come up with anything else sleepy like this, and Riversong's sense of fun was non-existent, so there's nothing to pull from, but anyway, I'd give you any ridiculous thing you ask for, you know, so... you don't have to give me some grand justification, okay? If you want immortality, I'd give you immortality, no strings attached. Are you... worried that I'd say no, or just troubled about exploiting me? I'm telling you, you're the last person on earth I can sue for exploitation, " he smirked frailly. " Whether by justice and court rules, or fairy tale rules, there's no ground on which I can claim that you did not earn right to ask more from me. Who has earned it more fairly, if not you? " --- " That's the beauty of Being names. On how much you can sum it up, compress it, and chistle it down to the barest meaning - to one to three words. You need to carefully pick up on meanings and craft it around symbols and allegories. You need to craft it by the scents, and materials and elements - anything that can sum it up most accurately, and that rings most true to the person, so this is a part where it gets subjective, and where we can brainstorm more, to figure out what feels just right, " Hans explained gently, using the given opportunity to explain to indulgently keep patting actor's head lightly, playing with locks of his hair. " Perhaps the easiest example to compare would be Morning Dew since her name is very clear and you have met her. Just like Morning Dew, lot of Beings choose to speak their names on the current language person speaks to them with, to communicate it better, but some often prefer to choose, as I often do, from past languages whose sounds we enjoy, and translate the meanings of our names into their words. For example, in Morning Dew's case, calling her something, hm, for example, like Li Talia would carry the same meaning under different language, so it's only a matter of preference if she wants to call herself Morning Dew or Li talia. Rose under a different name smells just as sweet. In her case, it is not like she is named Morning Dew because she's literally made of dew or water... It is a name that strips down to the core, all that she is. Name that holds the light that reflects under the morning sun, lightness of water droplets, freshness of the plants, and softness and transparency of air mixing with the dew as it dries in the early rays of sunlight... It is a very light name, light like the caress of the wind and dance upon the wet grass. Some light and soft air needs such an airy, translucent, delicate name... But you are different. You are not ever moving like a dance upon a meadow, never the same and never predictable. You are strong, and reliable, like a home that keeps shadows of the night at bay, and yearns to shelter and keep those around it warm. You don't have translucency of air... Your element is the earth, ever versatile, warm, reliable, soft and pleasant to the touch, the soil both upon which sturdy house is built and lush roses can grow. You are not a sunny breeze, but a reliable consistency of soil and stone, a bringer of both safety and sustenance. A beautiful, dazzling shining stone, coloured by moonlight, " Spirit spoke softly, while caressing him, looking very contented and pleased, that he could keep giving him what he was best at - warm words. " You can take a lot, out of such glowing stone, that is the foundation of the house. If you went for the simplest customary translation - you can, for example, craft something like Silver Stone, Siver Rock, or Silver Land. But it's not magical enough yet, not fully encompassing. It does not feel enough homely. What is associated with safety? We could go with guard, too, and craft something like Sterlyn Guard, for sterlyn is the name of the type of silver that is especially clear and pure. Or we could focus more, on the safety and protection of the thorny roses, circling our warm little home. A wide thorny patch, within which we are safe... You can be Moon Briar, named by your silvery heart, which yearns to shield and aid your loved ones, no matter the cost to yourself. While it is all true, it is all a littlest bit too sad to me - sad, or not enough. I wished to circle it up more. More ambiguous, more tender, as is this soothing, comforting feeling you bring to those around you. Isn't something like this better? Foundation - Rosales, or Rhodes. Both are variants, that in Spirit language mean, "from the place of roses". The name, that marks this secret little hidden place, where roses grow... " he grinned a little bit. " Beings seeing you will see the earth and stone, and sweet smell of flowers, and warmth, and safety - but what speaks more beautiful tale, of earth, and soil, or soothing scents and promise of safety, than safe place overgrown with roses that call for you to come closer, and hide where shadows can not see you? Silver, proud roses. So, the name that I spoke of as a cheat name that I wished to give you, was actually some combination of all of the above. My personal favourite summarisation is using the short version of Rhodes, Rho, combined with silver. Argatrho, Rhosterlyn, Rhosil, Rhosilwi, Rhohiriwa, Rhochandi, or Rhosilber, perhaps... It can get really subjective, is what I mean, but in my opinion, the closest call would be a name that marks all of that place we love, there, where the silver roses grow... " |
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(OOC: I know about it, but I'm not sure if I want to restrict my stories for people with an account when there is still a waiting time for one.I'm not worried about AI using my style since I write original stories in Slovak, not English)
"I didn't mean it as justification," Svarik said. "It was rather meant to show that I really mean it, because I was hesitant about it before. And yes, I've been to a few places and met a few Beings. I don’t know if you've heard about elder god Janus. He's also been imprisoned by a power-hungry king, and it twisted his essence. I've made a deal with him. He can do some very helpful things for Simbel, and allows me to try to figure out how to help him with that. He is a demon, so Simbel can't do that much, and his essence is twisted in a way that only allows him to feed on pain, even though he doesn't want to. I've spoken with Simbel about how we could help him, and we wanted to discuss it with you, too." --- "I see... so the true name is not actually a sound but a meaning, and you can use any words to convey it, some more accurate than others. I'm glad I don’t have to pick one right now, I don’t really know. I kind of like Moon Briar, even if it's not the most accurate. Or Silver Briar... or Moon Thorn. Moonthorn. Hey, that would actually sound great as a surname, Senecio Moonthorn." |
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