Senecio adn Tide II

[Mirach]

"Yeah, but still I imagine it would suck, if you were created as a gift for someone. I'm just wondering if Sage has some plan to find some adoptive parent for her, that's all."

[VisAnastasis]

" Yeah, it depends for whom I would have been made for. It's a whole different world to be made for Tide or Death. One of those would be gut wrenching, while other merely annoying, " Hans shook his head." I just woke up today, so I didn't yet have time to properly talk to Sage about it, but one cannot exactly go around and seek to dump the kid on someone, can he? Right now, it seems most important for us to do damage control, and make sure she is taken care of while she figures out what she wants to do in life, rather than earn money and make friends with stuffed toys that can't refuse her. She is a child, but she is a clever one. We can't exactly trick her into bonding with someone we pick now that she seemed determined not to bond with anyone." He shook his head." It is really unfortunate and tricky matter. For now, since Sage is pretty reliable and knowledgeable, it seems best choice to make sure she feels useful and learns more about the world from him so she doesn't feel helpless on her own. He isn't as free as I imagine a child might desire, but unlike Svarik and Death, at least he will be consistent and truthful. Are you worried still? If you would like, I can call Sage and we can talk about it... "

[Mirach]

Senecio shook his head. "I don’t have anything useful to add about the problem. I just wanted to know if there are some options considered for her. There are a lot of orphans who managed okay at the end, it's just that excitement of hers about a stuffed toy... it got to me somehow."

[VisAnastasis]

Hans glanced at him, watching him in silence for a moment.
" It's.. not like I don't have the money to get her a river of toys... But you understand why I can not, do you?" He asked quietly at last." She would feel burdened, feeling we are pitying her, and that she gets what she doesn't deserve. I was glad that today we could get her things in exchange for her flight, but she would not take it from us for sure if you didn't convince her that her flying is a rare and special treat for us. You did well. She knows I am sleezy, if I said that, she wouldn't believe me," Hans smiled faintly, looking at him thoughtfully." Tell me, is there... Anything you wish me to do for that child for your sake? Well, if you  wanted to adopt her yourself, I would have supported you, but it more strikes me that you would just like to stop feeling bad for her rather than that you want to be her family. But you do have a rather  indulgent mood about you, so if you can convince her that her flight is a luxury you wish to enjoy, I am sure you could at the very least coax her to let you buy her some more nice toys from time to time. I don't think she merely enjoys soft toys as a means to play. Rather, it seems obvious that she never spent the night alone until now and that she desires something to hug. In absence of people, at the very least, I agree getting her comforting toys is most pressing matter. Sage already got her a Being tutor to teach her more words, so she isn't lacking books right now.  "

[Mirach]

"I know it wasn't just a toy that she desired or that she needs," Senecio muttered. "But she has to content herself with toys, and think she has to work for them. That's why it got to me, okay?" He turned away, not wanting Hans to see him getting overly emotional about such a thing. "But yes, I don't want to adopt her... I don't think that would be a good idea."

[VisAnastasis]

Hans didn't comment on the actor's turning away, probably not wanting to deflect from the subject. His feelings didn't exactly reflect worry just yet, but there was a light concern mixed with curiosity and thoughtfulness.
" Do you not want to adopt her because you don't think it's a good idea, or because you don't want here in general? Because, yeah, it would be a bad idea to adopt her only out of pity, but if you would want her for her, honestly, I think genuine open care, even if brief, is better for her than someone that would just feed her well and provide for her. After all, Death was quiet or sleeping most of the time, yet she seemed really happy with him, and she didn't see Svarik often, yet she seemed happy when she was with him up until the point she realized he treats her well out of responsibility, not deeper feelings. " Spirit replied. " Of course, if you ask me, I do judge you're bad at commitments, but it's not on me to dissuade you if should you choose to try to improve yourself. But still, it doesn't have to be so severe, that you may either adopt her or not. You can still approach her with an offer of friendship. It's not like you can't be her friend, and it's not like it was her intention from the start to be adopted by someone. While she may have felt more as a family to Svarik due to her circumstances, she clearly sought very low maintenance friendship with Death, so it's not like you can't hang out with her and get her gifts of friendship, as long as you're clear about what she can expect from you. I don't even think she has the expectations of being adopted by anyone, merely an understanding that most people have parents or some people related to them, but she doesn't. Hey, I never had parents, so I can relate, it sucks, but what can you do? It is what it is, " Hans took a deep breath. " I mean, of course it sucks, but in the long run, she will figure out that only difference from the rest of us is the time - with time, she will naturally get tied up with a lot of different folk, and some of them will stick. I do not believe she will be worse of from your companionship, as long as she can feel the offer is not out of pity. "

[Mirach]

"It's more pity than anything else," Senecio shook his head. "Like, I wish someone would adopt her, but not me. Sounds rather hypocritical... I don't even know her well, I just know how it feels to long for a toy, but not really for a toy."

[VisAnastasis]

Hans listened to his explanation intently, thinking it through. It felt as if after the last statement, he took a deep breath, and gathered the determination. Slowly, and hesitantly, gathering courage for the gesture as well, he lightly put a hand on the actor's shoulder.
" Honestly, I have my own opinion on what should be done... just not much energy to involve myself. Like you, I wish someone else would solve it. Hypocritical, right? But, if you'd like it... I can involve myself with it, " he whispered. " I feel like she has a unique situation. She is not just any kid... She is made to be happy when she's helpful. Right now, I feel that it is in any case good for her, to keep working. It's not hard physical labour for her, she's mostly transporting people or things from island to island. It's good for her to learn to handle others. But I agree solitude is the problem. Before, any talks of adoption, shouldn't we first focus on her trust issues? Isn't it more pressing to resolve her relationship with Death? " he gulped, as if he found the subject heavy to think about. " I really... find it frustrating, how such a matter happened. They talked things through somewhat and understand the other's opinions, but at this point, aren't they both being stubborn about picking the harder road? " he asked quietly. " He clearly liked being with her, yet he doesn't call for her, hoping she'd be better of once she forgets him for more cheerful people. And she clearly acts like she merely wants to focus on being a professional employee instead of spending any time with him, yet she secretly keeps saving money to buy a gift for Death and have an excuse to see him. Isn't that the real pitiful state of the matter on both sides? Whether we succeed or not, I don't believe Xia can move on and try to trust anyone, as long as trust issues with Death are lingering in the air. And won't Death grow worse again if he learns the full truth about how unhappy he made that kid, and grow ill with guilt? When you think about it, we'd be doing a good deed for the world, if we push those two resolve this. If they choose to have nothing with each other, if at least we make sure they part of friendly terms, she will at least know it's beyond hope. Nobody says one person had to raise a kid as a parent. What do the humans say again? It takes a village to raise a child. We don't necessarily have to find one person to give him all, but I mean, it is clear to me there's no chance to come up with plans to have anyone fitting adopt her as long as all she thinks about in her free time is what kind of gift to save up her earning for, to give to Death. So, won't you be my partner in crime? " he smiled a little unsurely. " She is in constant state of suspicion and alert right now. We can't trick her into liking people again as long as she is like this.  If we are to ensure a better conclusion to their either parting or new start, once she is at a better state of mind, I'm sure, once we find a willing and suitable caretaker, that I could come up with a plan to trick her into getting to care for them... she is really pitiful right now, it will be really hard to find someone who won't take her in mostly out of pity, and that's not good for her. She needs to resolve the things that make her feel so pitiful. "

[Mirach]

"Tide has high hopes for a trip to the Sea Heart with Death, so maybe we should wait until after it?" Senecio asked. "He's not really a person who should be adopting a kid before resolving his own issues, too. Do you gave some ideas how we could help there?"

[VisAnastasis]

" He doesn't have to adopt her, either. Honestly, it's up in the air if he has the guts. Even if they are really compatible, isn't it useless if one person is a coward who can't even own up to merely loving someone, not to even mention adoption? " Hans murmured, a little bit of his ambiguous opinion about Death slipping up a little in his frustration. But rather than full frustration, his feeling reflected some unwitting wearier concern. " There is this one thing, though...while Tide doesn't tell Death about it, he is fully aware of Xia's misery. I know Tide, I'm certain he finds her as pitiful as you and me. When they become Semai, what if Death's unresolved feelings about Xia meet with Tide's knowledge about how sad she is? Is it a good or bad thing? If we suppose it's bad, then we should at least have them talk a bit so she can bid him luck on good terms, and so he doesn't find about her misery in a gut-wrenching punch of Tide's thoughts. On the other hand, some guilt might do him good, and after all, isn't thinking through his relationship with Xia better done before she reunited with him? If nothing is done, I think Tide will probably have a harder time dealing with Death's feelings, but if we judge it is better, then we should focus on Xia while Death is away. I personally think that would be a good call. We would basically split our forces - Tide would be focused on dealing with Death's side, while you and I will be focused on Xia's side. I was thinking, in any case, that the only way to approach her without her feeling suspicious is through her usefulness. We planned to work on organizing the ball while Tide is away, so why don't we kill two metaphorical birds with one stone? " he said innocently. " Blatantly put, we can invite Xia to help us with the ball. She will be able to work on something new to distract herself, while feeling useful at the same time, and we can focus on her mental state, and pay her for her time, as well as be her company and advice her and help her pick a gift to buy for Death, to give it to him by the time he and Tide return, since it feels important to her to do that. What do you think? Sincerely, I'd like to involve Sage in our plan, too, to have another pair of hands and make it more natural, but it's your choice. Likewise... " he admitted with some embarrassment. " I won't hide I would like to involve Sage anyway, because it would give you an opportunity to talk with him sometimes. I won't hide this from you because I don't feel guilty for those thoughts. I do not think you have to be on good terms with him, but I also feel like it'll be good for you to resolve your own unresolved feelings so you're not miserable in the long run. That would be killing the third bird with one stone..  "

[Mirach]

"Unresolved feelings with Sage?" Senecio asked. "I don’t really think there's much of that, or at least, they seem like a smallest of the problems," he murmured. "I'm okay with him, it's more up to him whether he decides to hate me or not. If you want to talk about unresolved feelings though...  uhm... you did open a can of worms there. With the adoption... No, it's not you, just... my father, you know?"

[VisAnastasis]

" Nah, you are free to feel conflicted about it all, okay? When I think about it, it was rather sily of me to expect you to take my offer like it's nothing," Hans said slowly, as if trying to give him space, but he did seem to feel a little more tense and guarded as he spoke." It's natural you would be... Taken aback, I mean. It's not exactly an easy thing to accept with your kind of baggage. To be honest, I don't know much about your father, but from what I know," he murmured evasivelly, rubbing his hands like often when he was nervous." I just want to be clear I would have probably be speaking ill of him long before now, it is merely the same common courtesy that makes me strive not to curse in front of Xia that is tying down my tongue. But I am sure my opinion is obvious without me saying it..."

[Mirach]

"I appreciate it, because I don't think I'm at the point where I would be indifferent to that yet," Senecio murmured. "Before you decide to step into his place, I'd like you to understand better.... no, actually, *I* would like yo understand better what I feel to him. It's complicated..."

[VisAnastasis]

Hans nodded lightly, thoughtful about it.
" Well... We will have some time to figure it out, since we wouldn't be going through with it before the drama of the play about Svarik dies down. So we do have some time before that to digest it. But .. would you like to try talking about it now, too, for a start?" Hans asked carefully." Honestly, you seem itsy bitsy troubled right now. I am getting worried. "

[Mirach]

"I would like to try," Senecio nodded. "I really don't know what I'm feeling towards him, or what I even should feel."

[VisAnastasis]

Hans nodded slowly.
" I am... really bad at being a considerate listener. I am not good at being sweet and meek like Tide... But I am willing to use as mild words as possible for this occasion," Spirit said through a smile, but he seemed to be using casual language to fight with his uncertainty. " Seriously, I will do my best to be very agreeable so you don't feel bad talking about it. How do you want us to do this?" He asked with a streak of caution." Are there some particular memories you are troubled by in the moment that you would like to share? Are there some pestering thoughts you want to get out? I can always ask questions, too. " He smiled faintly." At the very least, I am good at drawing information out of people... "

[Mirach]

"That might be best," Senecio nodded. "It's a tangle, I don’t know where to begin."

[VisAnastasis]

" Okay, then... What do you think about starting with the end? With the meat of the issue," Hans probed the question quietly, as if trying to find easiest starting point, but not doing so without a streak of wondering." Through what Tide told me about your mother's pears, you knew her, but only a little, right? You were mostly with your father until he died, right? So, how did he die, and how did it feel losing him? Would you say you miss him as a person when he died, or would you rather say it was more of a feeling of solitude from knowledge of not having any family left? Is that the general gist of a question you are anxious to find the answer to? "

[Mirach]

Senecio bit his lip, thinking about it. "He was dying slowly..." he murmured. "Slowly... since he got sick... until now. Still is. But, speaking practically, it took two years. The second year, he already knew. He spent a lot of time with me then. Talked to me about his hopes and dreams, talked to me about how I could achieve them, about making him proud, about having faith in me... Then he died. And his hopes and dreams... have been dying since then, but very slowly. It's only now that I managed to get free of them. But I can still hear his voice and think about disappointing him."

[VisAnastasis]

Hans was nodding lightly while listening to him, not interrupting him. When he stopped talking, Spirit glanced back at him, a little more intently, trying to sound rational and calm, but not able to hide the bitterness with the baggage actor carried, nor the compassion it was caused by.

" I promised I won't be rough... so I will say this in a roundabout way. About his hopes and dreams... It is not necessarily wrong for a person to want to kill someone. Had things been different, and had Thief not been the reincarnatior or who took over the body of its killer, I would have plotted to kill him ages ago. So, how could I condemn the same thoughts of revenge I had? " Hans whispered, firmly, but quietly, indeed, surely not responding as Tide would, rather, quietly sharing his own truth. " Of course, I wanted revenge too... it's not like I forgive him or some insane notion like that. I merely knew it was impossible for us to win against such an enemy. If... if you were born my child, not his... I would have told you the same, " he replied, fighting light quiver in his voice. " Of course I  dream of vengeance, but the price is high. Too high, if it would cost you even the slightest unhappiness. So, why should we take on an impossible vengeance? Instead, let us work to be as happy as we can and try to do what can be done without sacrificing ourselves. If you were my child, I would have told you this, just as I have said to Tide. I will take on a law career, and you can be whatever you like while you cheer me on... I do not know what your father would have said, had he known the full truth about the Thief and the Empire. Would he be disappointed in you, or in a whole situation where generations of his family lived only for vengeance? Would he deny those facts I present because the truth is too hard to accept? I can not tell. But should you burden yourself with the disappointment of a man who did not know all the facts? Would you feel bad for disappointing a child who wants you get him a star from the sky? Because it'd be easier to seduce, enslave and kill the Star Beings, as strong as they are than it was to permanently kill the Thief in his prime. I... wanted to destroy the man that broke me, sure. But how would I ever..." he frowned. " Want it to break my child, too? It's really selfishness... to want to dream above your means, at the expense of your children. I would never want you to share that dream with me. "

[Mirach]

"He knew nothing about a Thief. He just wanted revenge for a kingdom taken from us, and the chance to win it back," Senecio said. "But he didn’t insist. If I told him I didn’t want it, I don’t know what he would do. He would be very disappointed, I suppose. But I don't think he would press me. At the time he died though, I shared his dreams. I knew I wouldn't be able to kill, but I was determined to work on it, to overcome it as a failure. As I said, it was a slow death of those ideas..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Yeah... I am sure a person who trained you as an assassin wouldn't press you... He'd merely emotionally manipulate you and make you feel like a terrible son and person if you refused to carry on his legacy. That's so much better than physical coercion... " Hans murmured, not able to hide the bitterness in his voice no matter how much he tried. He did his best to in words, though, respond with more measure than was in the sharp feeling. " If you don't want to press someone, you don't raise them like that, to begin with. But practically speaking... have you really failed if someone else does the work for you? " he asked quietly, but seriously, sharing his mind. " You did not kill Svarik, true... But Svarik wasn't the object of your misery, anyway. The person that hurt me, and the person that killed your ancestors and took the kingdom from them, died ten years ago, at hands of others. We did not do it ourselves, but the person is no more. The Thief would not have died without numerous tiny little things happening at once... We can even say that Svarik himself has a little credit for it, because, since he wasn't killed along with the other Derhain, Thief was not in his full strength and abilities. He, and many other people, hold the credit. So, was vengeance not taken? He is dead, after all. " he whispered, just a little hoarsely, with a stuffy, collected feeling with which he kept his dread and fears of the creature he spoke of so casually in check. Taking a deep breath then, gathering the resolve, he added unexpectedly. " And as for the second part of the dream... I fear I do not support the idea of making the life of all of us harder by staging a rebellion. I don't feel the cons outweigh the pros. But... the old sea-kings were wealthiest most powerful family at the sea three hundred years ago. If you become the heir of the wealthiest and most powerful man at the sea currently... isn't it close enough to call it a success? " Being inquired quietly. " Eldergod... is just a last name I choose for myself. It has some meaning, but not the ultimate meaning. Normally it would be hard if the emperor was still around, but with Svarik's blessing, I could change my picked family name. Would you feel better, continuing their legacy, too? No one could carry the name of sea kings after they were crushed by the emperor, but Svarik will sure let us.  How would you like, being called Senecio di Parvaio Morvarid? Your ancestors were Morvarids, and we can be Morvarids too if you'd like. You won't be called a prince, but I can make a deal with Svarik to upgrade my title and make us the dukedom. Being a duke of the kingdom is pretty much just one step away from being a king in nobility's terms, so being a son of a duke should feel little less of a success from being a prince... "

[Mirach]

Senecio shook his head. "I don't want to fulfill those dreams. I'm trying to be free of them. I don't want to be a Morvarid, but I don't want to forfeit di Parvaio, either. He loved me, in his own way. He didn’t want that future he dreamed about for himself, but for me. What I'm having trouble with... is reconciling the ideas - that he could have loved me, but in the same time harmed me deeply."

[VisAnastasis]

" It's pretty common thing, to be honest. Even people that love you to death can harm you and make you feel lesser. Tide is as endless source of grief for me as he is of care... He can't help himself, but his sorrow at my current state and constant worry and focus on my  past really... Crushes me most of the time. I know he does love me, but... It's really a terribly depressing burden of something I can't live up to, to live under. I am sure I distress him too in turn. But that doesn't mean you should be meek just because someone loves you," Hans replied sternly, with a little more passion to his voice, reflecting his stirred feeling of protectiveness." Nor should you try to soften your feelings just because the other side is dead. Just because someone wants to push you towards what they think is best for you, or convince that is best for you, it doesn't matter. You have your own voice. Imagine if he were alive. Would you be able to stand up to him and confront him, telling him you had found better dream than his? You will have all money and luxury, and all power and respect one can get, all while acting, which you live doing above all, and while in a happy relationship. Is it not better fate than fate of a small warrior king of the sea, who would have to fight his whole life against the empire to defend his little kingdom?" He asked, with hope and fire." You clearly picked a superior path from the one your father meant for you, and one of less sacrifice, so why don't you let yourself be proud of you? Tell everyone who screwed you over to screw themselves regardless if they love you or not. Voice your discontent. You can stil admit to love them despite they were bloody bastards to you, and you can still be angry and frustrated for ways they hurt you. It's okay to lash out at or curse all the bastards, whether they are horrifying bastards or just glorious bastards. A bastard is a bastard, whether he hates or loves you, or whether you hate or love him. It's fine to be bitter as much as sweet   "

[Mirach]

Senecio bit his lip. "If he were alive..." he gulped. "If he were alive, maybe Svarik would be dead and me as well. I don't know if I would be able to stand up to him." He looked a bit nauseated even thinking about it. "I guess... that's what’s makes me feel conflicted about the adoption. The day when I feel like I'd be able to stand up against it... that's when I'd be ready to leave that family behind and accept a new one."