Senecio adn Tide II

[VisAnastasis]

" You need to consider that Svarik had Erdel protecting him, and when not Erdel, there's Conrad, and that's not even the end of the strong people around him. If it's for comfort, I am pretty sure your chances, with or without your father were slim," Hans replied quietly." If you still feel guilt about what-iffs, we can still talk about it with Svarik and Erdel, and apologise the heck out of it until you feel better. And we still have plenty of time until the whole thing around the next play solves itself... And if you are still not ready by then... We can wait some more," he cleared his throat." Honestly, I feel a little iffy about it... It is a little discomforting thought you accepted me by Being way but struggle with the human one over such an abstract thing as guilt over something that didn't happen... I can wait... But please, do not make me wait for too long," Spirit whispered." It is a selfish plea, but I look forward to this, and I don't want the doubts of the past that never was to spoil admittedly the pretty cool present that we have. I have no qualms about filling any demands you may have to make the change easier to you. You don't have to reject your past just because part is unpleasant. Like I promised you, you can keep the middle name and be Senecio di Parvaio Eldergod... Or.... You may even just stay Senecio di Parvaio. I care not for the name as much as that we are bound by it. If you like it... I may take your name, with Svarik's blessing, and chamge my family name to Di Parvaio," he said unexpectedly, despite names were important matter to Beings, seeming to meen it sincerely and without regret." I can be Hans di Parvaio, if you would have me.. Who says a parent can't change their name to fit the child's liking? Or if you have any other request, I am ready to negotiate. "

[Mirach]

Senecio looked at him in surprise. "You would change it? But... I don’t know. I don't know yet. And I did have a chance for the kill, if I wouldn't aim for negotiation. But I did aim for it, I don’t feel guilty for what didn’t happen. I'm just telling you about my father. The strength of his personality was such that I could only start resisting it after he died. That doesn’t feel very brave, like I would actually do something to oppose him openly while he was alive. It doesn’t really feel like a closure."

[VisAnastasis]

" But it's not like you have to be brave to be my kid... That is not in requirements at all. I expect nothing but what we already have. You don't need... To win a battle of wills with yourself to prove worthy of good life. Sure, you have issues, but so do I. Should I wait until I feel I am more qualified to be a parent? I don't need to wait, I think, and wouldn't you rather struggle about your past with comfort of not having to first do an arbitary test? Whether you accept it yet or not, I would bring you snacks in any case, and I would change my name in any case, whether to di Parvaio or something else you fancy. Why should I hesitate about few letters, as long as we can share them?" Spirit spoke, with a simple and solemn certainty of someone who thought it all through many times." You don't need to be brave for me to think you are... A pretty great kid to have. I picked you for all your other qualities, and, hey, if anyone is good at being cowardly and not facing source of my fears, aren't I? Even if emperor is long dead, I can't even smell the capital city without panic attack," he crossed his arms, a little too tightly in distress he pretended to take lighter than he really did, as he murmured." What could I have done against the emperor? And what could have you done against your father? Very little, but what of it? You don't need to be brave for me to like you... You anxious punk. Closure is another thing, though - of course I support you in getting it. Is there anything that crosses your mind? We are iddle bunch, we can try anything. Do you want us to figure out more nice things to do for Erdel and Svarik so your guilt lessens? Do you want to complain about your situation until you build up courage to curse over it? Do you want us to go to his grave and drink a drink in his honour, tell him thanks for his good intentions, and tell him to screw himself for his cruel methods?" Being encouraged readily with fervent tone that grew from protectiveness." I am extra motivated on this particular matter, I am up to pretty much whatever. I am even ready to get you some of those chill books that give you advices about raising your confidence and read it to you a bit every day and see what sticks. We can try anything and then laugh over the things that ended up being ridiculous and unhelpful. It's not like it's a test and we need to get anyone's passing mark. "

[Mirach]

"You don’t understand..." Senecio shook his head. "I didn't have any particular motivation for being brave and facing those issues, but now I do. You wanting to take the position of my father, even if just formally... is like I would take you to the capital to have fun together. We might actually have fun there, but there are also some ghosts of the past. The Being adoption was fine, it was just filling an empty place because my father wasn’t a Being, he was human. But you want to do it the human way, and so you're stepping into a place that's not really empty yet. I feel like for it to work, I need to get rid of the ghosts first."

[VisAnastasis]

Hans listened quietly to what he was saying, frowning lightly.
" I merely hope... I am not confusing you too much. I am not saying that I either want or not want you to pursue this. Simply put... I want you to do whatever the hell you want to do, so I can cheer for you or take part while you do it, " he murmured, rolling lightly to the side and watching the ceiling thoughtfully as he spoke. " If what you want would be putting issues aside, I'd encourage you to do it, if it's facing the issues as you say, I'll naturally encourage you to do it. That's all there is to it. I'll encourage you to do what you feel is best. Like I would want people around me to support me in doing what I choose for myself, regardless if it seems best or not to them... I want to do that for you. " he spoke his mind quietly. " It does not seem really complicated to me, even if your situation is. It all sucks a lot... sure. It's making me extra mad that the empty space your father left you with is so messed up. But I would like you to do whatever you feel you need to do to fill it up properly. I just want to help you transition between points A that is now, and point B you pick with the easiest possible way. Maybe you think of it as a mere formality, but... if I am already doing something, I always wish to do it well. By my opinion, supporting their child's aspirations is a bare minimum a parent should do... " he cleared his throat. " So, naturally, I want to do it. Bare minimum, of course, isn't enough, but I have to start somewhere... "

[Mirach]

"It's just a bit of a surprise to me that you would want to be in that position," Senecio said. "I'd say let's focus on the risky play first, so ay least until that's over, I can put those issues aside... swioe them under the rug, so to say."

[VisAnastasis]

" Well, sweeping things under the rug is my favourite coping method, so how can I oppose my future kid learning such things from me? " Hans smiled a little, although there was a touch of frailty under that smile. " To be honest, though, *I* am a little surprised that you are surprised by my offer. I just... can't figure out why you feel it's such an unexpected desire from me, " he complained for the first time since the conversation, rubbing his fingers absentmindedly, with uncertain feeling. " I am a Spirit, and you are a human, is it so strange that I would choose to claim you in both ways? To be honest... To me, it does not really feel like a proper closure of our disagreements... if I don't adopt you. I have plagued you with a lot of doubts about your character and sincerity... Fearing first that you deceiving Tide who is gullible, and then me, who grew fond of how you presented yourself while with me. I doubted and put you down heavily. With my own lips, I told you that I'll hold you on a leash. When you think about it... does adopting you in only the Being way not seem like an act of caution? Like playing safe? " he asked. " It naturally wasn't so for me, but yet - while it changes our bodies, does that act really show any deeper trust you earned from me? It doesn't change anything to the outside world. If I take you as humans do, though, you'll share all that is mine by right. You'll be recognized as my heir and be able to use my power to your liking. To give you the power to be equal to me, and an ability to stab me in the back if you choose, with the blind belief that you will not... Is that not the proper token of my changed feelings? " he whispered. " If I accept you that is a poor actor without any power, aren't I accepting a tiger restrained and declawed by the circumstances of our poor meeting an your heavy past? By keeping you poor, powerless, and dependant on me for your place of life and means of life, doesn't it just feel like I am keeping you in check with all means possible so I can be sure you are pressured to behave? I... don't want to feel like our relationship exists only to fit in a box of my anxieties. I want to give you resources to feel fearless yourself. Sure, you are not a *fearful* person, per se... but I want to erase all the ways in which our differences make my honest and pure feelings seem superficial. All the ways in which you may feel like I am your current patron... not your family. Just the thought that... humans around us see you as merely an amusing plaything of a rich bored noble like myself... " he frowned. " It makes me feel nauseating... "

[Mirach]

"To be honest, I saw us more as friends... Parental relationship is connected with too much of power imbalance in my mind. Like, yes, you get to be the heir, but you need to obey. That's... not what you had in mind, is it? It's just what I think of when you say the word *father*... Also, I got the impression there's a possibility of a threesome somewhere in the future. Wouldn't that be a bit awkward?"

[VisAnastasis]

Amidst the serious conversation, the unexpected remark made Hans chuckle a little more bemusedly and brightly, and a little lighter smile played on his lips.
" Look at you, little rascal, thinking such thoughts at an emotionally charged moment... Oh damn... That's why you're even more adorable. Okay, listen... I'll try to answer your worries one by one, " he took a deep breath. " That threesome thing... You are hot, of course, naturally, but I don't really feel the need to put the date in a calendar or something. I'm open to it, but I don't feel like it would yet be too fun while you're burdened by all the emotional baggage from my adoption offer. As for the question of the line between friendship and parenthood... I know it's hard for you to understand this from a purely human point of view... But try to think about mine. I am one of the rare critters that feel an equal sense of belonging to both the Being and the human world. I feel drawn equally to different concepts from both cultures... Why should we struggle to take one box of sweets, when we can take dozen of cookies from all shelves and put them in our box? " he asked wonderingly. " Feelings I have for you... are complex and rich. I love you a little in a Being way, where it does not matter what we are, as long as we proclaim each other family, like by ritual we did. But I also love you in a practical, petty human way, where I don't want people to think you're the toy to ease my boredom, but someone important to me, whom I trust enough to share everything I have, whom I want to shield with my words, power and name, and whom I feel proud and want to boast to others about. I want to... point my finger and tell the world - do you see how awesome my kid is? " his soft smile deepened. " Can I not feel both, ambiguously Being and unquestioningly Human-like? I desire to have a backing to say that no one can mess with my kid. I desire the right to defend you and protect you without anyone having the justification to say what gives me the right. I would like you to consent to me claiming you as my own in the human world, basically, and as a token of that claim, I want to show the whole world you're not to be messed with. For me... a parent should be someone who lifts their children up, protects them, and provides them with a chance for growth. I am thankful for your company... so I wish to give you ample chance to grow. Isn't it all just very simple, if you don't push me into a crude archaic parenthood box? " the creature asked with a faint grin. " I'll have you know I am only accepting getting stuck in an eccentric, weirdly coloured, luxury box, plated with silver. I am getting a really sleazy feeling... when you describe your idea of parenthood. True, a lot of parents and kids have a power imbalance, but we are talking about *me* as a parent, and *you* as a kid. Do you really think that I that gathered the courage to offer you this will bind you with force to behave, when I am not doing it now, either, when you're basically living at my house and being employee directly under me? " he glanced at him carefully. " Isn't your current state even more of an imbalance, than the new one I am offering? You're only not freaking out because we are on good terms, but normally, wouldn't it be extremely scary that you are on paper just my employee, whom I can fire at any time, and a tenant in my house, whom I can throw out at any time? It's a power imbalance if anything is... That's another reason why I want you to inherit me. Everything I have will be yours. You'll be an owner of this house along with me, and you will be an owner of our theatre with me, not just my second-hand employee. You'll just be able to take *your* money from our treasury, instead of depending on my goodwill for allowance. You'll be able to decide at any moment what to get, instead of having to ask me. You won't be just some fun guy whom I am rewarding with presents... You will just be my kid taking some of our money to get yourself or your boyfriend something nice. Am I not talking about equality? " he bid. " Or has the meaning of the word changed while I slept those few days? "

[Mirach]

"No, it's just different from what father-son relationship used to mean to me. You're stepping into that one single position that's connected with issues I've been sweeping under the rug. But... maybe it would be a good thing, to redefine it. To see that it can be different..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Isn't what we have pretty different from most the conventional relationships? We are friends of possible benefits but most surely not boyfriends, not quite brothers and not quite a father and child, mostly just two guys who get along too well, with a sprinkle of spite against the world to spice it up. I'm content with whatever we name it, as long as I can dote on you and claim you my own, " Being grinned a little bit. " I'm just a tiny winy bit more sophisticated in my manners of claim than Tide is, who is just overly giddy whenever he can cuddle and mark you with his scent... And no offence, but ever since we talked about your particular distance over performative relationships with patrons, I feel most definitive disgust with the thought you or anyone might grow to see us as such... " the creature murmured, sinking more on the bed, adding with a more tender unexpected streak of wonder. " It's all just... terribly annoying. I... find you delightful. I want to praise you and boast about you with people... I want to get you a lot of nice presents and support your ambitious art endeavours and come up with cool plays for you... But in our current positions, it feels like I am merely a patron, bragging about a talent I discovered or something. If you were my son, though, whatever good I do and say about you is just something I do for the sake of my kid. That's why I feel like that position, at least in human society, fits with me. Even more, as you died... I felt like the feeling of losing one's child... most surely must hurt at least that much, " he whispered grimly. " It may be presumption, but I feel like my feelings qualify me to at least suggest it to you, despite a possibility of you not feeling comfortable with it... I just felt like it was a deal with which we're all winning. You'll get the protection of being a wealthy nobleman and feel more secure and free in your life, and I'll get a chance to erase the unfortunate social dependency implications between us and care for you as equal. We'd get the best of both Being and the human world, and screw over all the humans that doubt our sincerity. I felt it was fitting, and even a bit... cute in the long run... " he sighed a little. " After all, if we share the same name, and Tide married into the nobility, he'll take your name... So, instead of Hans Eldergod, Tide Over, and Senecio di Parvaio, a nobleman and two commoners, we would really be one noble family, of one name in the human world, attested in human archives. I admit the thought was rather... indulgent... "

[Mirach]

"Well, yes," Senecio admitted. "I guess it's something that's worth lifting the rug..."

[VisAnastasis]

" You know.... You sound like you are working to your utmost ability to convince yourself all will be for the best while you are mentally, like, on fire..." Hans said suddenly, snorting a little bit against the nervousness. " You are full of guesses and maybes and vague hopes that you are not making a mistake... It must be really draining to feel unable to be excited at an offer with so ample pros and few cons," the light nervous smile was set like stone on his face, coloured with light worry as he observed Senecio's pale  complexion. With the talk, he seemed more self aware of his acts, and more insecure of the rejection, but still, he seemed to want to act on his feelings. Timidly, he straightened a bit and reached for his bag, and from it he took out a jar of cookies the actor enjoyed. He opened it, took out the biggest softest one, and gently hovered with the tasty treat next to Senecio's cheek, tempting him ." Come on now... you really need some proper energy to deal with this mess. At this point, you will end up looking like a sad washed out rug yourself," he teased, and his grin softened with warmth as he added quietly." I'm... definitely going to research some more and make sure to have even more proper vitamin supplements in the  next batch than so far. It's clearly not enough yet.  It may take some effort but I will definitely trick you into getting healthier, too..."

[Mirach]

"Okay, yes, that sounds like a parent," Senecio smirked, but took the cookie. "I just don't know what even is buried there, and how to begin, or if there may be a chance I'll get used to the arrangement without having to deal with it."

[VisAnastasis]

" Whether you want to try digging deeper, or ignoring your dread in hopes it will disentangle itself if you give it enough time, I will support you, " Hans replied resolutely. He didn't comment on it, but there was clearly contentment upon his face and in his timid feelings as he observed actor eat the cookie he offered him. Instead he said hopefully." Whatever we try... I am really sure it will sort itself out. It may be a bumpy ride for a while, but...." His expression was resolute, as it always was when he would firmly decide on something." I will make sure the worms of that annoying can I unwittingly opened up doesn't eat you up. I mean, I am sure it's damn obvious, but your unhappiness is most definitely an exact opposite I wanted to cause by my offer... It's not fun at all, watching you anxious like this. Anxieties don't suit such insanely fearless kid, and I hate to have given them to you. It just won't do.  "

[Mirach]

"And I didn't want to spoil it for you, but it is what it is," Senecio sighed. He finished the cookie and threw himself back into the pillows, pulling one over his head.

[VisAnastasis]

Hans chuckled at the indulgent move. Despite a little woobly himself and tired with excertion, he took one of the blankets, and covered up the actor, with a timid gentle and soft feeling, before his feelings stirred up with some anxiety.

"  You should rest up. Just one little thing before. Real talk here... It is what it is... But make sure you don't fall into misunderstanding that you disappointed me, okay?" He whispered quietly, before taking the free blanket and curling on the bed. " At least, the disappointment is only extra superficial and temporary... You got it? Nothing is spoiled," he murmured quietly, revealing his anxiety firmly this time, without beating around the bush." We can figure things out as long as you are alive, which is just right by me... But I fear of you hurting yourself.  I would be bedridden with guilt, if I felt I was a large contributing factor to some grim decision. I am genuinely worried. So... Can I ask you a difficult favour? When you are feeling desperate... Would it be alright to ask you to come talk it through with me?" He asked what must have been on his mind for a while." I will pretend like I am totally clueless about your suicidal tendencies like until now, in peace, I just really need to ask this one thing of you while we are alone. Tide is... Too sensitive about such things for me to comfortably ask while he's present..."

[Mirach]

Senecio peeked out from under the pillow. "If it may calm you," he murmured. "I'm a coward in that. My plan of suicide was an elaborate ruse aiming to get myself executed, I don’t think I'd do anything myself. And I really didn’t see any way out... But it turns out there was one, and suddenly I have many ways and options. I can't imagine feeling that desperate again, with everything. But life can be a bitch, giving you things and then taking them away. Okay, I'll talk to you if that happens."

[VisAnastasis]

Finally, Spirit's expression and feelings brightened up with that promise - it seemed, while he did have many feelings with their talk, deep down he did also fear he may unknowingly push him to some desperate act with his emotional demands.
" Then... it's good," he replied at last." It is just that, while you seem to be doing better, way too huge amount of your emotional stability seems to depend on your relationship with Tide. I am not saying there is no progress, but... It worries me that a lot of time you seem one argue with Tide away from thinking desperate thoughts," he explained, huddling himself more with the comforting soft blanket, as he murmured a promise of his own." Everybody argues sometimes, but I most definitely guarantee you that Tide adores you madly. If you end up arguing, don't feel too bad... And you can always call me then, too. I am 99% sure most argues would be his fault, anyway, so I will gladly yell at him for you before helping you resolve the conflict..."

[Mirach]

Senecio smiled faintly. "I'm not sure about the percents, but fine."

[VisAnastasis]

" It's a deal, then... Well, not an official Being type deal, but still, if you break if, I'll make sure to feel super sad to condition you to keep keeping it. I'll definitely guilt you into staying alive for a long time, " Hans grinned back at him, but couldn't help but yawn a little then. This was the first day he was awake after a while, and today was a day full of emotional talks and events, and it seemed that he needed a break about as much as Senecio.

[Mirach]

Senecio pushed aside the pillow as it was getting a bit uncomfortable laying under it, and put it under his head instead. He didn’t say anything more, taking the moment to rest.

[VisAnastasis]

Hans didn't ask him anything new, either. It seemed like the heavy conversation, on top of a lot going on since he woke up, was the last drop that exhausted him emotionally, and he, likewise, tried to restore a bit of his composure. He was curled on the bed and was not quite on the same level of covering himself with the pillow, but he did cover his head with the blanket, only part of his horns and streaks of his blue hair peeking out a little. In the silence of the room, the actor could but hear the quiet peaceful sound of Spirits breathing, which sounded a little sleepy. By reflection of his feelings, though, that was tangled up and chaotic, sometimes brimming with a streak of warmth and softness, sometimes with rushes of confusion and tension, it seemed the creature was digesting and dealing with a lot of things of his own, too.

[Mirach]

Senecio didn’t disturb him. Caed by the silence, he dozed off after a while.

[VisAnastasis]

Hans remained deep in thought for a while longer, before sleep overtook him, too, and he dozed off as well, not able to resist the temptation of warmth and silence.

Around an hour or so afterwards, Tide returned. He wanted to greet them and inform them that things went well on his side, but he stopped himself when he saw them asleep and smiled a little. He gazed upon them contentedly, before he quietly took the book from the shelf, and sat down on the free armchair at a side, deciding to let them rest for a little longer.