Re: Svarik and the company II

[Mirach]

Svar was not able to understand the matter fully, though. He only had a half of soul, and felt like someone who just wants to sleep, and doesn't understand why someone would need to wake him all the time, and why it's bad to tell others that he only wants to be left alone so he could get some sleep. He did understand faintly that they were worried for him, but he was very tired, and to his knowledge and mental capacity, he tried to reassure them best he could that he has all that he needs in the Vein and there is no need to worry or wake him. Now he saw that Conrad was angry with it, though, and that made him sad.

[VisAnastasis]

(I thought Riversong made him half the missing soul, too, so that both of them are whole now, just each having one part of original Svarik? Sort of like a water you share in two glass, and then fill with more water to top. They are not the same, but both are full.. I thought Svar's nature is different generally mostly because he is living and unlibing in same time, and bound so closely to powerful streams of music in Vein )

Falcon seemed frustrated further, with creature's inability to understand, something he seemed to find immensely important, crucial, in fact. He didn't hide his frustration this time, though.

" Just.. just stop it! Don't pretend to be guilable. You were the one that was supposed to stay. You are the one that was supposed to look out for White, for.... For me. You promised me you'll always be there for me. " He thought angrily." It was hard time for us, you know? And in all this time, whenever I would come to you, to play for you, you'd not respond, when White would call for you, you would not respond. You'd never ask for anyone else. Svarik I knew was never self absorbed like that. You won't take interest in anyone, nor in any person that asks or cares about you. You're alienating your friends. You are not there when they need you. " He shook his head fervently." At this rate, by the time you snap out of this, you'll find out it's already too late, and that everyone that once loved you either doesn't trust or care anymore and has moved on, or is dead! Is losing yourself in the Vein worth losing that?"

[Mirach]

(I thought I remembered that he refused? I'm not sure now, but I thought that his half of soul joined with the Vein in place of another half, and that it wouldn't be possible if he had an intact soul...)

Svar still didn't understand what he did wrong. "I am the Vein," he said in thoughts. "You treat me like a human and expect me to be like one, but I am not. Why do you say I'm not here for you? I am always here. Why would you play for me? I *am* music. You don't play for music, you listen to it. But when you listen to me, you expect answers and reasons and thoughts, not music..."

[VisAnastasis]

( OOC: Riversong offered him to make him a soul in a way that he would be able to clothe himself in the form of a bird or similar animal, and that's what he refused, because he was happy in the Vein and didn't want to have forms of flesh - but he filled in the gap still, more because he was persistent than because Svarik wanted it, because he did not want creature to be incomplete.  )

" You are not music, no matter how much you wish you were. You only listen to it, no different from rest of us, although more closely. Music passes through you, but you're not itself. If you couldn't think and reason, you'd not be able to reason to me that you're music, you'd only exist within it, with indifference. No. You're just my Semai that doesn't act like one.  " Falcon replied in thoughts with some more desperate coldness, as it seemed that in that moment, chasm between them grew tenfolds  deeper, as if his mind was slowly getting ready to brake of. " You're.. you're my brother, that denies there is any pleasure in being with me, and when I reach for him, caresses me with guilty pleasure, instead of just pleasure. What kind of brother do you think that makes you? One I can trust? One I can count on? One I can love? "

[Mirach]

(OOC: In that case he covered any "raw edges" that remained after joining his soul with the Vein. As I imagine it, they are one creature now, something like a personification of natural force that just started to gain consciousness, like the Sanctuary or like Death was at the beginning)

"I don't know..." Svar replied. "I don't know what or whom you can love. I love you, but I can't give you what you are looking for. I am the Vein, and with me, the Vein got thoughts. I can't be what I'm not..."

[VisAnastasis]

( OOC: I imagine it like that, too, thought I generally see it more than just as force like Death, to be somewhere between White and Death - as personification of Vein that unlike White has soul but is not quite powerful like force, despite, like White,is  more tied to one place than free to move around the world at will like Death can. I generally thought that since his soul is essentially imprinted and sewn into the Vein, that no matter if something was added or not into it, is still is in same situation of being inseparable part of the Vein, holding its fabric together, and that Ben only, as you said, filled the raw edges with another part of soul, in order to give it more place to grow within its place in the Vein - sort of like adding more seeds to the flower patch so more seeds can grow, instead of just having one seed planted. I think it's more matter of feeling more whole and not suffering from injuries of Long night, as Bell would never had let those raw places remain, but , still, either version has similar effect on Svarik becoming more abstract in nature and thoughts as he became part of Vein, so exact mechanism is more of a technicality. )


Falcon was quiet. He seemed t grow a little numb, and there was some hollow feeling of loss to him, almost a little depressed. He seemed to be dealing with his words for a moment, as if diggesting them, before he spoke up quietly.
" So... You're saying... If I get this right... That you claim to love me... yet that you're just... okay, with not being able to give me what I need? That you're not even desiring to try to connect with me? You're acting so self sufficient and so detached, right now... Where did all your fear go, Svarik? Just moments ago, you acted no different than common  human would, accusing us of being under influence of demons, watching us with suspition, fearing for your life dearly. Do you claim your dread is a lie? Or is it just that you no longer have desire hor my reassurance, or anyone's love and care, only the one of the Vein? "

[Mirach]

(OOC: yes, in effect it's almost the same, I'm just trying to find balance between the two to play him...)

"Thoughts and fears remain still... like a cork in the sea of music, coming to the surface sometimes... It is not good for the land under the Vein, though. You want me to be more conscious for you to prove I love you. Love for you is in the music. I can't be what I'm not, like a fish can't climb trees. What do you expect me to do?"

[VisAnastasis]

" For a start? I expect you to tell me clearly, without making it sound better than it is... Is there any point, in me coming to you? " mental voice replied, thinly and darkly. " I don't want to listen to your music, if that's all you want me to do - I can listen anywhere in the city just the same, to same effect. If I can't interact with you as I do with White, I see no point in coming again, if you're satisfied with me and rest of your friends just being, rather than being with you.... So I want you to tell me... Is that extend to which you expect us to share this life we have? That you deem, existing on your own is equivalent to  loving? "

[Mirach]

"I do not really perceive where you are in the first layer, just that you are there," Svar said. "If you don't mind, visiting in the second layer would be nice sometimes... but only if you could bear my company that's not proper company. For me, it is enough to perceive that you are, wherever you are in the land that the Vein gathers music from..."

[VisAnastasis]

" You... You're doing it again. You say it would be nice if I would visit, but then you go on to say it's enough for you to feel that I exist. You're contradicting yourself constantly, to no end. " Falcon replied miserably." How... How can I explain to you, what you understood way better than me before? Let's.. let's say... Feeling someone exists is enough to feel assured they are not unwell, but it isn't same as maintaining bond with them. It's one way street, no diffent from reading a book. What happens depends on what you want. If you want to just be observer, you can just observe. If you want to maintain bonds with others, though - it's something you have to put effort into. If to all that love you you say, it's just enough you are there, you'll push them away, and there'll come a day, when they get over you and don't ask for you anymore. There'll come a day when all your friends have moved on. Don't you see that? Love is not a feeling, love is an effort. You're putting no effort on your side... Friendship, it's... Spending life together with someone. If you just want to observe, you're acting a role of stranger, and you can't complain if  others began treating you the same."

[Mirach]

"I am a contradiction, dear..." Svar whispered sadly. "I am a thin layer of thought over a sea of music and feeling. You ask me to love you in a human way, but don't you have the other part of my soul, with human body and feelings, for that? I love you in a different way, that you maybe will understand better once. But if you want me to do something for you, I can. I will open the gate, if you want it. But with that, I will retreat deeper into the Vein, where is no thought, and won't come to the second layer anymore. Is it what you want?"

[VisAnastasis]

Their joint mind was indeed, full of contradictions of both human and otherworldly kind. It was harder for Falcon to think clearly in the bond, so his reply came slower, but it carried something, not really angry this time - but more worn out, and little sickly.
" Would you retreat deeper into the Vein once Gate is open... because there is no other way? " much quieter, barely audible mental  voice replied this time, tired, weary of argue. " Or because you'd choose to? Would... Would there be no way I can... convince you to... stay, too? "

[Mirach]

"I don't see another way how to open the gate and remain sane with the littel thought I have left," Svar replied. "You are asking for too much at once..."

[VisAnastasis]

" Is it because of the fear and anxiety you connect with them? "  Falcon asked quietly. " Is the thought of feeling presence of demons more closely so unbearable? You claim to love me, yet you speak of your feelings vaguely, as if you don't want to speak of them to me. Whenever I come, you always look eager to return to Vein's dept at once instead of be with me... You asked me what you can do for me. This is first thing I want you to do. Tell me what's so maddening about the situation, and tell me if I can do something to help... "

[Mirach]

"I don't want to hurt you..." Svar whispered shakily. "I fear you would think ill of me... but being like this is straining. Thinking is not natural to me now, and I am losing harmony with the Vein when I focus on it. I do not mind straining for you, but it seems I am only bringing you grief by it and I just can't explain myself well. If you want to help me, you would let me retreat into the Vein..."

[VisAnastasis]

" There's no notion what that might do to you in the long run. It seems to me like when Beings take form of flowers - it's something extremely hard to snap out of, because flower live on such more innate passive way What if by trying to escape your thoughts you end up losing yourself? What if you get so washed out into it, that in the end, it washes away everything, everything that makes you love and remember me? You already claim to be Vein. What if you forget everything about us? What if you even forget, that you were once mine? " Hands of their Semai trembled powerlessly. " Just as bad, even if not that... what if you do snap out of it eventually... but only after long, too long while? After everything that was certain for you is no longer there? What if you wake up finally, but only to meet a whole different world, where no one you miss is there? Are you telling me that Svarik, my Svarik... would not be devastated so, realizing everyone he loved is dead? I can't... I can't even guarantee you that I'll remain forever here. What... what if you wake up, only to realize that it's been too long, and that I'm gone, too? That there's truly, no one left in this world for you? Can you look me in the eye and say, that it was worth the rest? "

[Mirach]

"You keep expecting me to be Svarik... Is one Svarik not enough for you? I am something else now, something too chaotic yet. Music connected with thought, but not being one whole just yet. You are only addressing one part of me and ignoring the other, but I can't separate them for you. We cannot exist like this much longer. We need to become one... I cannot tell you who that one will be. But I think I will remember. Memories are not forgotten in the Vein, just incorporated into music. Maybe it's also the Vein that needs more time to deal with tge thoughts it suddenly got with that part of soul. I would be sad if everyone would be dead by then, but I can't help it. And the land would remain, at least..."

[VisAnastasis]

" So you would be happy, if land remained, even if all the rest of us are gone? " Falcon asked quietly - is anger seemed spent by now, leaving place only to sadness. " You would miss out on so much... Everything changes, ever so unexpectedly.... Many people you used to love once need love and support. Did... Did you know, that White had a falling out with Erdel since Erdel became a full fledged demon, but that through it, he confronted himself, and decided to reject White Eagle and his hatred of demons? He is giving his best, and he's trying to adapt, to adjust to new life. We managed to figure out how to use Tarmagil's old body for him, and he took over it as his own... He's adorable in his tries to imitate life. His eyes are pink now, and he adores the color. He died his hair pink, you know... He's constantly torn between laughing and crying, my  foolish Simbel... Silver Symbelyme, as he's called now. " Falcon spoke quietly, with some hoarse, a little choked up tone, as he added. " Would you really... miss out on all this... on his growth... on supporting him, in this time, so important to him... over chance to sleep? I don't understand it.... "

[Mirach]

"I don't understand well what you are saying that happened... it's too complicated for me..." Svar admitted shyly. "But it seems like he is adjust and dealing with being someone he wasn't before. I'm just trying to do the same. I told you, I can try to do it while staying more aware, but not if the gate is open. Thoughts about demons could pollute the Vein, and the gare might open further then. It's either me or the gate... there can't be both, even if I would want to remain..."

[VisAnastasis]

Falcon thought about it.  He seemed to grow numb with it,and his feelings seemed somehow washed out by the conflicting of emotions, and heavy choice that laid upon him.
" You don't want to remain, though... So talking about what would happen if you wanted to is pointless. And I want to help the demons by opening the gate, so talking about what would happen if I wouldn't want it is also pointless.  " thin numb thought came to him. " We will both have to live, with consequences of what we have chosen... I know you can't think clearly right now. That's why I wanted to help you so badly. I wanted to keep you from making the wrong choice. But its clear as day you've already decided on this. Gate opening is more of an excuse to you. If you really wanted to stay with us, you'd have taken the chance. But no matter how much I try to read in you, you're right, I can not find any longing to be with us, or longing to stay... " man replied quietly, defeated. " You're asking for my blessing, to sleep, aren't you? Alright... It hurts me, that you choose this, but if you desire so, I won't keep you from it. I do have some conditions for it, but if you want it, you'll have my blessing... "

[Mirach]

"I... thank you..." Svar said uncertainly. "I'm sorry for not being what you hoped for... I hope the other Svarik is. He is human, where I can't be... You at least don't have to split your affection between us..."

[VisAnastasis]

Falcon snorted a little through the nose, wearily, despite with trace of sad bemusement.
" I can see you're not thinking clearly, and I can see just the same, that there's Svarik enough in you left... Only Svarik would dare consider something as dumb, as there being a finite love someone has to share. " he replied in thought quietly. " I don't split my affections between you two... It didn't have to be this way. I didn't want to be like Star Boy. I've decided on it firmly. I was going to take care of you both equally. I wanted to adjust, my schedule, my life, my time, so I can take care of both of you. I didn't want, either of you, to feel like an imposer... He's the one that sacrificed part of himself, and you're the part that was sacrificed... You're both part of what was mine. " he murmured sadly, and Semai, as if in instinctive gesture, clutched his chest lightly, as he admitted. " I... Do not hate you. I am angry, because I love you. I was ready to stick to you through thick and thin, and treat you with same patience and care as due, and I came to you every day, and tried to interact with you, but your heart's just not in it.. I... Lot of my decision to be immortal is not just... for the war. I wanted to stay here for you, to support you as long as I can, through your formative years, as you grow. To strech out my life thin as long as I can, so I can look out for you until you make other friends and don't feel lonely anymore. I didn't want this immortality, but I choose it, for you, and for that... that foolish human you, only human on pair with you in carelessness... " he sighed a little, with bitter smile. " I loved you both... It's just so... frustrating... That I go above and beyond to choose you, where you don't choose me, but yourself... You're frustrating, my foolish Semai, in all your forms...  "

[Mirach]

"You are saying your love is not finite. It's not, but your time is. I don't want you to divide your attention equally and stretch yourself thin with it. It wouldn't work. The other Svarik remained human, and he needs you more. But me... Right now, I am an unfinished creation. I am torn - the Vein is my Semai, too, in a way. A permanent one, but Vein has no mind of its own. I am its mind, but we are not one, like when you drop ink into water and the drop did not dissolve yet. I can't tell you what the outcome will be, just that this state we are in is not stable. I need to become more like music so that I can merge with the Vein and become its mind. Only then will my "formative years" start. I... I hope you will still be around then... I can't tell you what will become of me, but I'm sure I will remember you. Then your Semai will be the whole Vein, not just a poor torn part of soul sticking out of it..."

[VisAnastasis]

" You are not just a poor torn part of soul sticking out of it, though..You're my treasure.Maybe only I'll be able to hope to keep, in foreseeable future, as all my human friends begin to die and perish." creature whispered a little hoarsely. "  You.. you asked if two Svariks are enough. But, of course not.. " he smiled sadly in thought. " I'd need ten, twenty at least, for a start,heh... You Svariks are such terrible breed, always running of to certain doom, or where I can not follow. I hoped I could... at least have you, if I lose him to his folly... But you acted so coldly ever since you came into this existence. And even now, when you show sprinkle of emotion, you are doing so to bid me to let you fall into slumber, who knows how long... It feels like loosing you all over again." he sighed. " It's... frustrating... to want to do right thing, yet feel...taken for granted... "

[Mirach]

"You can't have me..." Svar said quietly. "There is no *me* now. There is a confusing mix with the Vein. I hope we can resolve it, and then you can have your second Svarik. But if you would like that without this consciousness retreating, then don't open the gate... I can't let the touch of demons mix into that forming connection with the Vein. You wouldn't like that, either..."